Your spouse created a tangled web of deceit, pain and suffering with which you’ve lived every minute after learning of the affair – that’s a lot to juggle in surviving an affair.

Once you were broadsided with the awful affair revelation, you may have been so thrown off, you began to demand all the details – and got them.

Now what? Your thoughts are overrun with those details, haunting you day after day, night after night. Here are 3 methods for regaining control of your mind, banishing those affair thoughts and healing and conquering all that’s needed in surviving an affair. Keep reading…

Affair Details and Damage Control

Once the ugly genie of affair details has been uncorked, it’s impossible to stuff those details back in the bottle. But in a moment of shock and dismay, you weren’t thinking about the toll those details would take on you. You demanded answers in an effort to understand the incomprehensible.

A victim of an affair is already going to get caught up in a negative thought loop. It’s a natural response to an unnatural situation: your spouse broke their vows and has brought you pain like you’ve never known. Your mind keeps sifting through the information, searching for answers to the questions “Why? How? Who? Where? What?”

If you don’t know the details of the affair, think carefully before asking for them. Surviving an affair is a delicate dance, and your mind can do enough work on its own, creating a scene and populating it. If you ask your spouse for specifics and he or she supplies them, the images in your mind will be further fueled, which can make surviving an affair an uphill battle.

Before you go down that road, be sure that you know what a certain detail will do to promote your healing. If you think it will only hurt you further, think twice before asking. But if you’ve already asked for details before you’d had time to think through whether or not knowing them is a good, healthy idea, then what’s done is done.


 End the Affair NOW and Save Your Marriage from Divorce

An affair is a traumatic experience that devastates not only your marriage but your self-esteem. Only 30% of marriages survive an affair. Prevent your divorce by discovering:

  • How to feel normal again… today
  • How to get the details
  • How to stop the affair
  • How to restore talk honestly
  • The fastest way to rebuild trust

If you don’t discover the specific steps you must take, you may not survive.

Click here and to learn More


Either way – whether you asked for details or did not – you are in “damage control” mode. Your mind will reel with thoughts and images based on the horrible fact of the affair. That’s enough to fuel anyone’s nightmares.

So now what do you do?

Reclaim Thoughts Spiraling Out of Control

As the victim of your spouse’s affair, you’ve been sent on a journey to what may feel like the center of chaos: your thoughts swirl, it feels as if the foundation has fallen away beneath your feet, and you’re plagued with a range of nightmarish images.

Many affair victims describe it as going crazy. And what is “crazy,” other than an inability to control what’s happening in your head?

It should come as some comfort that what you are going through is something that every victim of an affair goes through: a loss of control – one that is temporary. Images fade. Think about any loved one that you’ve lost: doesn’t the image you have in your head begin to blur after so long, without a picture to freshen that mental image?

So even with details of your spouse’s affair, with time, the images you create will fade. What you’re experiencing now is a temporary loss of control over what thoughts and images enter your head. Your mind is obsessing over details, and the reason you feel like you’re going crazy is because you feel out of control.

Here are three methods to help you regain control of your own mind once again:

Method 1: Journal Your Affair Thoughts/Images

To regain control of your thoughts, you need to first understand what’s currently taking up space in your cranium. Sure, they’re negative thoughts and images. You feel awful more than 99% of the time because of them, and you may think every thing in your head is just one big negative thought. But, what do these thoughts consist of?

For about a week, try to capture what’s going on in your head – and write it down in a journal or type it out in a computer journal. You won’t capture every single thought, but you will develop a true picture of what those thoughts and images really are.

Method 2: Determine Affair-Thought Patterns

Once you have a week’s worth of notes from which to work, you can begin to analyze what’s plaguing your mind and causing you repeat pain. Are you seeing certain times of the day these thoughts occur? Any particular recurring themes or images?

Certain patterns will begin to emerge, which brings you one step closer to controlling your thoughts. If you know that, for example, you have thoughts of the affair while driving your car, you can move to method 3, below.

Method 3: Change the pattern

If your drive to and from work is one of the key places during which you have thoughts of the affair, plan to have something along with you to change the pattern. It can be something such as listening to the talking heads on the radio debating the news of the day, or a different radio station played louder than you usually would.

Whatever the pattern is that you’re experiencing, think of – and implement – a strategy to counter it.

Moving through these methods will help you regain a sense of control. By understanding what it is you’re trying to control, you’ll find that what may feel like a 20-ton monster is really not – it’s something that you can manage and tame.


My best to you as you regain control of your thoughts and the details of the affair begin to fade.

Do your thoughts feel out of control, as if you’re losing it?

Did you ask your spouse for details before you had thought of the consequences?

If you know specific details, do you think you are better off from knowing them, or do you wish you could put the genie back in the bottle?

Please share your ideas and personal experiences with other members of the community.

Wishing you hope and healing for your marriage,

Stephanie Anderson


Marriage Sherpa

Incoming search terms:

, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,