“We’ve been working on rebuilding our marriage for several months now,” said Tina. “But I’m having a hard time coping with the memories from that whole dark episode in our marriage. It’s been almost ten months since I found out about the affair.
The period surrounding that time was one of the worst of my life, from a year before Dan’s fling when we weren’t getting along, to the days and early months after I found out. It continues to haunt me, in the background of every effort we’re making to save our marriage. I just want to get rid of these memories. Isn’t there some way to hit the ‘delete’ button so I can be free of them, once and for all?”
Like Tina, you may also feel like you’ve barely survived one of the worst times of your life. First, congratulate yourself: If you’re reading this, it means you’re still breathing. As bad as things were, and maybe still are, you are surviving.
But getting through a period of turmoil can leave your mind working overtime, as it sifts through and analyzes the facts, turning them over and scrutinizing them, filling in any blanks with conjecture and snippets of fantasy.
When problem memories or images come up, do you find yourself saying anything such as:
1. “What could I have done differently?”
2. “Maybe I should have married someone else instead, and this wouldn’t have happened.”
3. “Why didn’t I see what was going on?”
4. “I wonder if they enjoyed talking and laughing together.”
As you can see, there is a whole lot of baggage that often comes with a memory or from an event you’ve imagined from that problem time. In this blog I am going to guide your understanding of emotionally-laden memories, and provide you with three steps that will help you better cope with the painful memories you may be suffering with.
The Cerebral Warehouse
Every day we’re experiencing the textures of life. We’re processing events, situations and the people who touch us. And with the processing comes the formation of memories. Our unique, individual stories are built on these memories.
Think back over your life: you have memories with associated emotions ranging from very good to very bad, and everything in between. You don’t just have time/date-stamped events stored away. Your brain has processed and categorized those events according to their personal meaning to you, which includes your deeply emotional memories, before storing away the entire packaged event.
No matter how those events have been experienced and processed, those memories and the associated thoughts and feelings are yours. We’re not going to consider, for the moment, the accuracy of that stored package-just that it is stored in your brain.
Most of you don’t remember what you had for breakfast in 2006 on the morning of June 12th. It didn’t have an emotional impact on you (unless you became violently ill or it was a special occasion). Longer-term memories usually stick because they have tugged in some way at your emotions. And when it comes to a bad time in your marriage, or worse, learning that your spouse has had an affair, some very powerful, negative emotions have been created in relation to those memories.
Pulled From Storage
Just because your brain processed and stored a memory doesn’t mean you’re done with it. As you’ve experienced, memories will come forward at various times, just when you thought you were “over” them.
As I wrote to you recently, images can be triggered by your senses: sights, sounds and scents that have been attached in some way to an event. Your brain pulls the memory-with all of its attached images and emotions-and you find yourself looking at it and revisiting some of those attached emotions, yet again.
When you are bothered by your memories playing reruns in your head, there are ways to change your thinking so they lose their emotional impact. You can also learn to cope with them. You can start to fight back against those bothersome memories when you begin thinking that you will accept that which you cannot change.
Events happen in everyone’s life: good, bad, and indifferent. You don’t have to be a scientist to understand that an event that happened in the past, is now passed, and you cannot change it.
When an unpleasant memory comes forward, here’s a way for you to better cope with it:
Step 1: Don’t resist it.
Let the memory present itself. Your normal reaction would naturally be to resist the memory from entering your mind. Sometimes this works, and sometimes it doesn’t, depending how you fight the memory. This is a different tact to take: allowing it to come forward without resistance.
For example, Tina from the opening story may struggle with the memory of Dan’s dark silences and how he would physically pull away from her when she came near. Tina may be inclined to resist this memory, but if it’s going to come anyway, she can choose to allow it to come into her mind.
Step 2: Assess your reaction.
Decide what it is you are feeling about the memory: you’re angry, sad, indifferent, happy, or . . . You may be surprised to find that through this exercise, when done repeatedly, the reaction you have toward the memory may begin to change. The goal is to loosen its powerful grip on your emotions, allowing your reaction to fade in intensity.
Step 3: You’re in charge of the story.
Use the voice inside your head to accept what is and what was. You can tell yourself things like (fill in the blanks): “______ is what happened, ______ is how I felt about it, and I will be all right-I’ve already lived through it.”
Or, “People have put up with a lot worse than I have and turned their lives around in a positive way. I will do that, too.”
Or, “When I think about ______, I currently feel ______ and this, too, will pass. When I look back at this from the future, I wonder how I will feel differently.”
Many people struggle with and suffer through negative images, thoughts, and haunting memories. It’s no small matter when it happens to you, and can cause yourself and your spouse distress for years if you don’t learn effective coping mechanisms to help you find the peace you deserve.
Wishing you hope and healing for your marriage,
Stephanie Anderson
Editor-in-Chief
Marriage Sherpa
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In the future i hope you prepare more great posts like this one, because it really perked my interests to your blog!
Good answers in return of this issue with real arguments and describing the whole thing on the topic of that.
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I think cheaters need to have a taste of their own medicine why can they experience the pain and sufering they are putting us thru. We will forgive but never forget. How about the third person will she/he feel any remorse I will like to know.
Thanks for the sensible critique. Me and my neighbor were just preparing to do a little research about this. We got a grab a book from our local library but I think I learned more from this post. I am very glad to see such fantastic information being shared freely out there.
Your article made me understand some things.
It has been several months since I found out about my wife’s affair. While I was devastated by it, I still love her and want to save our marriage. Her affair started out as email, facebook message and instant message exchanges and progressed to phone sex and probably phone text messages. While I suspected something was going on for quite sometime (she denied it), I discovered her affair for real by accidently seeing an email she left on her computer when she ran to another room to answer her cell phone. She has pretty much refused to talk to me about many of the details of her affair, other than to say it is over, so as a result, I’ve been haunted by all kinds of negative images, especially at night when trying to sleep. I ordered and worked and continue to work the “Marriage Sherpa – How To Survive An Affair” and while it has helped a great deal, the images kept coming.
The way I have been able to overcome the images is to immediately write down what the image is (the images – thousands of them seem to happen in an instant or like a flash of light). I believe in Angels, The Spirit World, The Heavenly Realm, etc. as well as the dark or evil side. I immediately instruct (command is more like it) the negative spirits, evil spirits or whatever they are to leave me alone and go to my wife’s paramour. I am almost immediately flooded with warm positive feelings and visions or images of happier times. Will it work for you, I don’t know, but it sure works for me.
This whole experience has been the worst time of my life. It will take a long time (maybe a lifetime) to overcome all of my negativity about my wife’s affair, but with “Marriage Sherpa’s” guidance and direction I am improving and have a lot more control over my feelings, thoughts and emotions – a whole lot more than I had just a few months ago.
Hi-I also have been betrayed by my partner (also ex-husband) a relationship of 23 years. I found out 7 months ago, but really only found out the truth of “who & when” in the last month and a half. These cheating idiots do not seem to realize how much more they put you through trust-wise and time-wise with their “damage control” which I think is damage control to their own image of themselves and the image you now have. Each time a new truth emerged, I had to start over again dealing with the situation as it was newly “known.” ie when it took place & with whom (he is still working with her, but as a stop on his sales route twice a week)
I don’t know if any of the women experience this, but this woman is a lowlife and whore who came on to him and was ready to “do” him immmediately. You would think a guy would realize this is an “unsafe” sexual situation & that it was not truely any great compliment to him…if not him, someone else!
I think men buy into the whole “guys will be guys” etc., whenever it is convenient for them, but as we can see from the men’s posts, it is just as devastating to the men to have been cheated on. I think they are pure & simple cowards…(cheaters) if they had any guts they would tell you they want to “play around” so you can make a decision about whether or not you want to participate in this risky behaviour. I think the lack of respect and consideration & the pure selfishness hurts most-which they don’t seem to have a problem living with until they are caught is the worst. They want to make sure you are home baking brownies or home watching TV, as they want to have the security they are NOT providing.
I am lucky I am not married to him at this point, and have one grown child. I have joined a dating site locally & plan to see how it feels to get some attention (non-sexual) from some other men. I will let other men help me build up my confidence again. I will see him at the same time, as I am not “cheating” i am regaining lost self esteem he so carelessly & thoughtlessly relieved me of. Maybe one of these people will catch my fancy…even though he is very “sorry” I can see that he is open to this kind of behaviour and there are no guarantees for the future. (especially if he likes skanky whores, as I am not one.)
Heartfelt condolences to all that have had such a spouse/partner, especially those with children, especially SICK children and other complications that “tie you in.” Do remember that despite your current feelings, other men who may be of higher quality are out there!
My heart goes out to you all and I know how you feel. My husband cheated on me with someone he sees through work. It lasted 6 months but in that time i lost myself completly. I had my suspicions but could never prove it. I even sat next ot her for a meal out. Little did i know she had slept with him.
I cant get all the images out of my mind it trully is eating me up.
He took her to a hotel and must have called me to say he loved me while with her. How can you lie to someone you are supposed to love. The thought of now ever going to a hotel with him makes me feel sick he has made something that used to be a treat for us for anniversarys etc into something grubby.
I am 34 have 2 kids and to be honest dont look half bad considering. She was 23 busty and blonde but also really common.
Why would be need to find someone like that when he said he was happy with me. He ended it when i found out but still sees her because of work. Everytime an email pops up with her name on my heart sinks.
He tells me he is sorry for all the hurt and that he was stupid. He cant even give me a reason for the affair he was happy with me. So why did he do it. I desperatly want to forgive and move on, how can I when all i see is her face when he touches me. I too have taken my ring off and have told him I will only put it on when i am ready. Will I ever be ready i suppose only time will tell !!
Brief history, I’ve been with my husband since I was 16, (him 17) had a child at 21, got married at 25, then we had 3 more children. So all in all we’ve been together 21 years at this point. Earlier years we had some issues over emails/phone calls, don’t know if there was anything physical at that point. Oct. 2007 I put a tracking device on my computer to monitor my 13 yo son, and as they say, I was going for the guppy but caught the shark! I was totally unaware anything was going on, the first email I saw was confirming plans for the next day, he had been telling me he had to go to work early… Then I continued to read several emails frum multiple women about their “meetings”, disgusting details. One of the women he met while n Vegas 17 months previous, she lives 3000 miles away so other than Vegas I know there was no other Physical contact, but they were ” in love”. I even got to see a video he emailed her saying “I love you and miss you” (vomit). I thought he was truly remorseful after the truth came out, but since have found “other” email addresses and disposable cell phones. Somehow I still love him!!! Why? I can’t have sex without thinking of the past and I’m almost 3 years out! Will I always be like this?? It hurts so badly!
I completely understand where you’re coming from. My husband who is 12 years older than me, had an affair with a woman who is 10 years older than me and very wrinkly (too much sun exposure!), has receeding gums and is quite frankly quite unattractive in both looks and personality – one of those people who feels she needs to tell everyone what their shortcoming are! To top it all, she was a close family friend and had befriended me at a time when our marriage was in dire straits after he was recovering from a near fatal accident. She used the confidences I trusted her with to tempt him into a relationship. He was weak and foolish. Unfortunately for me, I found out just before christmas when I caught him emailing her from the family PC. He felt a need to offload all his guilty secrets and proceeded to show me every email correspondence they’d ever had. Some were very graphic and quite frankly disgusting (she should be a pornographic novellist). I am an ex-classical ballet dancer and at 38 I still look young and have a strong, small but fit body. I was absolutely horrified that my husband would have an affair with this woman. She is the epitome of unattractiveness and I cannot believe that he would sink so low. He says she was just a receptical. It doesn’t help to hear this. I have lost all respect for a man I used to hold in such high regard.
My husband had a short affair with one of my friends. It has been just under 3 years now since I found out. My husband is so ashamed of his affair and is truly sorry for the pain that he has cause me. We are now very close and my husband is making every effort to show me that he loves me. Do I fully trust him? – probably not. If it happened once then it can happen again. I still have not gone a day when I don’t think about the affair and most of all HER. I can’t believe that a friend would be prepared to shatter my marriage when we have both been so kind to her over her own problems. She no longer lives near us, but I still run over in my mind what I would say to her if I met her. How long will I have these thoughts?
how come my post doesn’t show up here?
How does it make YOU feel to have been made a part of a plural marriage/relationship? Is being in this marriage, more important to you than being RESPECTED? We teach people how to treat us hon.
I can guarantee you…the other woman WILL have more children once she realizes the first 2 didn’t send you packing. Is this all you want out of your life & marriage?
Go scratch every panal of her car. Gosh it makes you feel better!!!!!!
My husband had several on night stands too. Then the big one. Fifteen years with the same woman. I know how you feel about not having a clue. I didn’t either. Now I wonder how I could have been so stupid. He said half the time, he didn’t want to be with her, but she was threatening him, and didn’t want to be exposed. She also told me he would be financially ruined if he left me, and that he wasn’t with me out of love. I confronted her and said he never loved her, and then she admitted if he did love her he would be with her not me.What I find amazing is that most of the stories I read are very similar. The only thing I’m most surprised about is how does an affair last for 15 years, and the wife is clueless. I don’t get it. What are we, deaf, dumb and blind. I’m am so torn up with this, it consumes my thoughts most of the day. Are these other woman so desperate they hang around for that amount of time, then go whining to the wife who never did anything to hurt them, just to get even with the guy who played them all those years. I thought I was the only one whose husband could carry on for so long and not know. Maybe we could help each other in some way to put this in the right prospective. We’ve been married almost 38 years. It seems like such a joke now. He’s doing all he can to fix things, but the lies and deceit are just killing me. I hope you respond to this blog and let me know how you’re coping with this.
i would like to respond…know that you are a strong woman, of great substance and reslience (as demonstrated by your survival thus far). he is your husband and he is living with you. you must take pity on her…her desperation to be near is really sad -isn’t it? It is sad that other women seek out men that are married, whether consciously or not…they will rarely ever be first in the man’s life. Isn’t sad that they often use sex to draw in their men? How much do they compromise their integrity to get what they want, for immediate satisfication? anyways, this is your town, keep you head up and walk proud for all that you’ve been through and have continued to endured, with your integrity in tact. -and yes, your husband is with you, by choice. you have my faith and support…you are not alone.
I’m so sorry to each person that has endured this pain of betrayal. I was married four years. On August 10,2009, I threw my ring at my husband and told him to get out. I first asked him to sit and talk with me as I had discovered his emotional affair, even with phone records and emails documents in my hands, he denied this and reduced me to simply being “crazy.” The thing is I wondered if he was right. We had been in the process of fertility treatments and while he is younger than me, it was his sperm that wasn’t strong enough, so he was being treated and we prepared for more treatments together. He finally admitted his emotional affair, then began making efforts to reunite, only for me to discover that he was already having a complete affair with yet, another woman. I had an infection and went to the doctor, suspicious…when I asked him, again, I was “crazy.” In short, he gave me an infection and I felt so dirty and stupid. Now his childhood friends have taken to inviting the other woman to parties, when they know I won’t go…because I’m so devasted. Still, I feel betrayed by them too, and so deeply hurt. These people attended our wedding, one was our best man…I can’t sleep, still. I’m so tired of crying and feeling pushed aside, disregarded. I should say that I created every bday party and holiday celebration, making the family closer…and they always thanked me…but, now? Is this how I continue to be honored. He will never divorce me and I haven’t spoken w/ him in over 2 months -I’m scared to have more pain, I just can’t tolerate it anymore. Yesterday was another point of serious hopelessness and wanting to end it all…I know I won’t because of my nieces and nephews, but when is this pain just going to stop? I’ve never felt so alone and I don’t imagine I will get to ever have a child now…I’m 43. Thank you all for your courage, it gives me strength.
My husband had an affair and still talks to her everyday. why? Because he has 2 children with her. We have been married for 35 years, his affair started when he met her at a casino. She was a cocktail waitress he was a truck driver. I found out about her when their first child was 4 months old and she was pregnant with the second baby. It is the most gut wrenching thing anyone can ever go through. Fast forward to present day. Baby # 1 is now 4 and baby#2 is 3. They all live in a differant state and she brings them to see him every few months. I have never meet any of them and really want to. Not to kick her teeth out but just to see their kids and see who my compitation is. Why don’t I leave him? Because I love him more than I hate what he has done.By the way she is 15 years his junior. She was 6 when we got married.
It was bad enough that his tart had kids in the same school and lived in the same village, but then she moved into the same street a few doors down. I see her, I see her car, I see her at the shops…I wish I knew how to forget. I hate her which makes me hate him. I still feel so angry. Can I trust him when he is home alone? Can I trust him when he says he is just popping out to the shops? Probably never again.
Ive read thought the blog and I understand your pain I found out my husband had a affairjust alitte over two years ago. It started in 2004 and continued until I confronted him in 2008. he says they were only together one time but I still do not believe him. I found emails that he saved from her where he claimed that he loved her. His excuse for that is they are just friends now and he tells all his friends he loves them.Ive been with him for 17 years and he never has told any of the friends I know he loves them. The worst part of it all is he still doesnt see the problem with him keeping in touch with her. At the time of the affair I was dealing with our 2nd son taking him from doctor to doctor to be dianosed with autism and getting no support from him. After I confronted him I confronted her and he took up for her and said I had no right to contact her. She has since cut off his access to her email but I am worried he is back to his old ways again. While he was having the affair he was very secertive when he was on the computer when i would enter the room he would shut down the screen and just be sitting there. I caught him one night online in an game called second life havin cyber sex thats what started my detective work. Now he has pass word protected his email and his log to the computer and have not been able to get in Ive ask why he did this and he said he didnt want our kids to have access to the internet this is a load of crap. I had to good out and be tested for HIV and all the other diseases which made me feel awful. Everything came back fine, but I should not of had to even think about this. The one thing I told him when we frist started dating was I could not forgive someone who cheats so that was the only thing I ask him never to do and look at where we are now. We are still together because we can not make drastic changes in our autistic sons life, I can not forgive or forget. but he acts like nothing ever happened. I dont know if couples be come closer or if they all survive. But for me the pain is slowly dulling maybe we”ll get back marrige only stronger But he has to be more open with me to get started. And he has to replace my rings because I told him the day he made contact is the day we were Divorced.So as far as I am concerned we are room mates.
I found out over a year ago that my husband had an affair that lasted a year and a half. This affair began in 2004 and ended in 2005. They continued to remain friends which continued to add to my suspicions. I discovered saved emails last year. Anyway to make a long story short, I as Bill still have problems with trust even though I know my husband has not had contact with her. I wanted details but he will not give them to me. I have images that still haunt me and certain things trigger memories I’d rather forget. I guess what I want to know, is do we ever feel completely safe and trusting again with our spouse who did such a terrible action? My husband has proven himself over and over again that he is here to stay, and yet I still have doubts. Do couples truly become closer after all this pain and do their marriages survive?
Inquiring Mind
We’ve been married almost 45 years. Last April I found out that I had herpes and apparently had it for many years and didn’t know what it was. I confronted my husband and he admitted that he had been with seven different women over a period of about seven years starting about four years after we were married. I was devastated. He admitted that he had brought the first one to our home and had sex in our bed. I always was home with our baby girl, but I was hospitalized for kidney stones and that is when he took advantage of the opportunity. I thought I’d die while hearing it. I made him tell me all the details but it took several months to get the truth. He kept lying. When I threatened divorce, seriously, he came forth with everything he could remember. Unfortunately it was 30 to 40 years ago, so he conveniently can’t remember much. I’ve been in counseling for months and am on an anti-depressant. I have come a long way, but I am still haunted by the images. I can’t have sex with him without thinking of each of them….the sex in our car, sex in my bed, the oral sex, the hotel, the friend’s apartment, oral sex while working as a police officer…in uniform!!! I never had a clue. He professes to love me and wants to live the rest of our lives together. I’m trying but I do have setbacks and go into rages. I have so much anger to deal with. I’m reading everything I can get my hands on to help myself. I’m not sure I can make it. I am 62 and feel so alone and fear being alone. We had two other children while he was being unfaithful. He says he did stupid things, made stupid, selfish decisions, and regrets it all. He said he stopped at some point. He doesn’t really know what made him stop, but he did. He says he never had any feelings for any of them, never had any relationship with them except for sex, never had conversation with them, never felt any emotions…he just did it for self satisfaction. He was with two of them three times and the rest of them once each. Even though it was many years ago, it is new to me and fresh. My heart aches because I do love him. I know I should be able to look at all the good years we have had together and put the affairs behind me…back in the past where they belong, but I just can’t yet. You would think that because it was so many years ago it wouldn’t hurt so much, but it does. Unbelievable hurt!!!
As I read your comments my heart breaks. I have been at this crossroads of discernment for several months now. We’ve completed part of Surviving the affair but are at the point where I have to come to agreement. I’m struggling with this. My partner of 11 years basically lived two lives the first 10 years. While I was working, raising my children, and being the best partner I could be (we didn’t live together) he was involved in multiple affairs and admits it had nothing to do with us but everything to do with him (the Tiger Woods syndrome). The truth started showing itself after he moved in with me. I guess it was harder for him to wake up to me everyday knowing of his lies. I always knew he had a dark side (just didn’t know what it was) but chose to love him anyway. As difficult as it is to believe I have forgiven and I do love him. He is working very hard, going to therapy etc. However, I don’t think I want to live with the burden of his choices. And I think he has a major character flaw and is probably incapable of loving completely. My struggle is making the break. Has anyone been hurt by multiple affairs or this kind of situation?
Your post struck a chord but my circumstance is different. Husband (of 20 years and we lived together for 3 before that) had an affair with our adult foster daughter. You can imagine the collateral damage that created across the entire extended family. In my book, it’s adult consensual incest; he says she was ‘never really a daughter’ to him. Initially we went for a lot of counseling and seemed to be making progress; I forgave but the forgetting was tougher. We are separated now (have been for 9 months); he wants the marriage again, but I am happy on my own and can’t imagine us back together. Being apart, we have had no opportunity to rebuild trust or recreate our relationship. Marriages take nurturing, broken marriages take even more nurturing.
We had been married nearly 33 years at the time. Dated 5 1/2 years before that. We have been together since high school. She was only 34. A couple years older than our son. She hasn’t even been alive as long as we have been together. So it is hard to look at this older woman in the mirrow these days. The one that was replaced for a time. And he admited…he enjoyed every bit of it.
When I found out about my husband’s “emotional affair” I demaned to meet her (as he met her through business and we work together) So I went on a business trip with him to her house where her husband proceeded to tell me that if it made his wife happy to screw my husband it was ok with him, and I did not matter in the least. They live 60+ miles away. Her husband even drove her to our town, and dropped her off so she could be with my husband. To top it all off, she is in a group that ministers to women. For this reason, it is very hard for me to ask God’s help now. The way the three of them treated me…I cannot begin to discribe how all my faith and beliefs are shattered. My husband swore to me after this meeting that he would end it. A week later, they spent their first time at a hotel. Her husband stayed home with the kids so she could be with mine. So no, I have no trust for ANYONE. I question all motives. Whenever I am in a car and hit the highway, all I can think about is the time my husband spent driving to be with her. I cannot stay in a motel without feeling dirty. I cannot make an emotional connection with my husband because he gave that connection to her.
By the way, it has been three years since the affair ended. For the first almost two years my husband changed most of his behavior but accused me of not “having my heart in it.” Almost two years of no contact and guess what. He called her again. AGAIN, any little bit of faith that was restored was right down the toilet. Not a day goes by that triggers down’t hit me a dozen times. I am sick of it. Sometimes I am physically ill. With all the counceling we’ve done, this past year he seems to have really come around. My delema is, down inside, I think the only way for me to “move on’ will be to move out.
Well put Bill. Everything you just wrote is almost identical to what I have been going through. The part about the mistrust. I think that is the most difficult part. After being lied to, cheated on, and deceived, the trust is gone. Thanks for sharing your story.
My husband cheated on me while I was pregnant, also. It hurts me because I feel like not only did he cheat on me, he stole one of the most beautiful and precious times in my life away from me! He admitted to sleeping with one person, but still denies the second. The second person told me all of the details, and still, my husband won’t admit it. This all happened about a year ago and still I have haunting images and thoughts every single day. I too at first wondered what I did wrong, but I know that I have been the best wife that I can be to him. It’s just a problem with him. He definitely has changed, but I still don’t trust him and I still deal with the emotions of what he did to me everyday.
How do I know that I can trust him? How do I know if he is not making a complete fool of me again? He says he did it because he thought he could get away with it. I think he likes the comfort of being married, but finds it thrilling when some woman pays him attention. He says he’s changed. Now what am I supposed to do? Sit and pray till I find about another affair accidentally? I almost feel like I am waiting for him to slip up again, so I can tell myself that I gave him another chance and now it’s time to let go. I think I would almost be relieved if it happens again. Atleast I will not waste my life being suspicious and insecure and playing detective all the time!
can’t believe i’m replying but have to intercede….my perfect husband of 32 years has had an affair with his secretary! and he says he ended it and it was stupid of him and it disgusts him! But unfortunately he sees her every day of the week…is it still over? I forgave but can’t forget!
Bill, it’s like you wrote my story. I feel exactly the same way. I wish I could help. Let’s help each other.
my wifes affair is now ten years old’however i didnt find out until five years ago. at the time she was 39 and he was 60. when i found out i went and talked to him. as it was now five years after the fact he was very open about details. WOW I couldnt believe the kind of sex and the places they did it.All I can see is an old man having his way,like he says,”anytime any place” Sometimes I wish I never talked to him. When I have sex with my wife im always thinking of what he was doing with her. Visions.Images’all with an old man. Sorry i have to stop right now, its getting to me. you may use my comments to help others
I know how you feel I too cant forget about the affair my husband had 1 year ago.He became distant and talked about splitting up but swore it wasnt because of another woman.I had my suspicions but it wasnt till I found a text message he forgot to delete that the truth came out.I became quite the detective,got him on a recording telling his friend all about the affair and how I found out.I wont go into everything he did and said but it wasnt pretty (he even got our daughters lying to me as they knew about it one is 21 and the other is 11) anyway once I found out everything (she lives 20 mins from us)I told him to get out but when he realized that he was gonna lose everything (after I seen a lawyer) he decided that he didnt want to break up he wanted to make it work so I have the same question that others have ,is he still with me because he wants to be or because he doesnt want to lose everything.Its hard for me too because our older daughter is still friends with this woman and it drives me crazy,I dont trust him at all whenever he leaves the house I think hes going to see her or talk to her on the phone(they would talk for 4 hours a day )as far as I know he hasnt talked to her in a year ,but she finds things out about us from our daughter,any input on what to do would be helpful…I dont know what I would do if she only lived 1/2 mile away..oh and this woman was an ex girlfriend of his they dated when he was a teen and after 22 yrs of marriage he began having the affair..
its gotta be hard on you Laura to actually see her around town I feel if I ever ran into this woman somebody would be picking her up off the ground..sorry I couldnt be more help
What a good exercise .I will continue to try it maybe it will help. These stories sure help out.I too am trying and fighting to save my marriage. My husband cheated a yr and a half ago. I still cry at night from fear it could happen again. But I love him so and our family is so important to us both. This has been the test to beat all aftr a 25 yr marriage could have been lost. Just keep the faith and pray…it has certainly made things easier to have you all tell your stories
I don’t know how to stop reliving the affair, when his girlfriend moved into my town, it’s been 4 years since i found out about the affair and i started seeing her around town. I found out she moved a 1/2 mile away from our home about 6 months ago. I feel that if i see her and memories pop up, the chances of him and her starting up are great. Please give me your thoughts on this
laura
I walked in on my husband and his affair in the shower so I really didn’t have to ask for many details. After all their clothes were neatly folded on my daughter’s bed (she didn’t live at home any more, thank God.) and their “bed” was still in place on the floor there. He told me he would break it off and that was three years ago. I believe his last contact may have been May 2009. At that point I made a decision. Newly retired I’d stay with him until my retirement check settled down and I knew what I could afford. It would also give him a final chance to “fix” himself and work on the relationship if he wanted to. February 2010 I sat him down and told him — I’m not here because of some passionate love. I’m here because I was raised to fulfill my service obligations (his dad and my mom are both quite elderly) and to gain balance in my individual life situation. I have determined that I can walk at any time now and he needed to understand what I see currently as a non-marriage. We were married for 17 years. I’ve had 3 years of hell. Can we fix it? Yes. But I am no longer willing to do it myself, alone. Do I know what I want him to do? No. He needs to figure that out but I can tell you and I’ve told him — lies, foregetting things, mood swings, etal don’t help. It also doesn’t help that his Hispanic hussy walks like a ghost in our house…Yes I still remember that day but I no longer lose sleep or cry much. Time tends to put things in perspective — I can do this on my own and I don’t depend on him for much of anything.
My husband’s girlfriend/affair of almost two years “accidentally” called our house after my son was in the hospital with a heart scare. She thought, as he had done to her so many times before, lied that he was not coming to see her because he was married (he lied and said he was separated) He had been flying accross the country for two long weekends a month just to be with her. He told us he was given a promotion that required the travel. All this was not only an amazing shock and horror but it also drained our finance. When the call came to me at our home my husband was on a golf trip neither the girlfriend or I knew about. This was the worst experience of my life. I still now a year later and a year into marital therapy feel haunted by the images of their sex, sharing their “I love you” as she kindly forwarded me the texts they shared with one another and verbally told stories to me that night of their relationship. It does still run like a movie in my head and brings me to tears at the drop of a hat. Although my husband said he only said “I love you” to her as a way of staying in the relationship having him both share such physical and emotional intimacy with her while we were married has been a heartbreak I have not been able to recover from yet. I feel the daily struggle and share so many of the same feelings shared between these blog entries. That is comforting as I often feel I should be more “over it” now – particularly as my husband has stayed and worked in therapy with me to repair the relationship. Some progress has been made but the ability to recover from the images of what he has done seems unattainable. I appreciate reading the difficulty others are going through as well.
Hey, I’m sorry to hear about the afair and I know how much it hurts. When I found out about my husbands affir, I didn’t wear my ring for a long time, not until he put it back on me nor until it felt right to have it on my hand again. Since his affair, we had a divorce open and were separated for ten months. We filed a reconcile and are now trying to work it out. Things were great in the beginning but now just isues upon issues. No more affairs yet that I know of but you never know. It is hard not to suspect something. Goodluck to you.
My heart goes out to you. To be pregnant and to not know why he had an affair is so hurtful. I found out many years later that my husband’s best friend set him up with a woman for a nightly fling. I was 9 months pregnant with our first child when my husband had his first affair. I was not withholding anything and could not understand what was going on and why? Not until 35 years later did I find out about the set up. That episode had put a wall between us that did not come down until I found out about the second affair. He just wouldn’t tell me what I had done, or why it happened. What a waste of years and time that healing could have taken place, but he was too ashamed to tell me the truth.
Now I find that any date mentioned which relates to that time during his 2nd affair sends me into a tail spin of emotions. 6 years is a long time.
I did the same thing, I could tell things weren’t quite right in our home. My wife started spending more and more time away from the house. Things she could have easily done during the day she opted to accomplish in the evenings in essence denying our family of her time and presence. I asked sevaral times if there was someone else, initially it was denied, then after a few months it was described as just a good friend, eventually I became confrontational and got the truth. The affair had been going on for almost a year at this point. I too wanted the details and while not really specific I heard enough to drive the stake right through my heart. We have been married for almost 25 years, we have been through a lot as a family and as a couple, raised two children who are out of the home, and still have our 11 year old daughter. The thought of the affair is such a painful occurance that denies me of my sanity throughout the day. I am simply overtaken by a series of emotions that range from anger to guilt to the desire for revenge, however most of these feelings are towards her partner primarily because he is also married. I feel he took something from me and each day I have to rise above these feelings to avoid from doing somethiong really stupid. Towards my wife the most powerful feeling is a sense of mistrust. I find it hard to believe anything she says, I can’t help but be suspicious of every phone call, every trip out of the house makes me uneasy. I was lied to for so long that now it doesn’t feel right to trust with ease. While I have been told that the affair is over, I still have doubts, on ocassion some of the same patterns resurface, the distance between us is evident despite all of my efforts to regain closeness and rebuild our marriage. I love my wife dearly, I gave her my heart to safeguard many years ago and truly do want to be with her forever. After finding out she apologized for what happened and I forgave her, and mybe that came too easy. Because now at times I regret it. Forgiveness helps them get beyond the act and in some cases without ever admitting that what happened was wrong. I feel I constantly compromise of myself just to keep going. I know thing s will never be as they were, and maybe they shouldn’t be, however I did hope we could go forward and heal. Mend what was broken and move forward with a different outlook. I don’t know if that will ever happen, it’s hard to see a clear path forward with all of these things weighing on me each and every day. I thank you all for sharing your feelings and stories. I know that this seems to be more common than it ought to be. But for me it’s somewhat comforting to know that what is going through my head and heart is not abnormal. Thanks Bill
Hey. My husband had an affair only three months after we were married. He played in the minor leagues and while he was two states away from me, he was involved with another woman sexually for a month. I feel the same way that you mentioned in feeling stupid for staying with him. I think what hurts me even more is the fact that he lied and lied about it for months until the girl finally told me the truth. He all the sudden wanted to be done with me, telling me that he didn’t love me and wanted nothing to do with me and that I was the biggest mistake in his life. I then saw the numerous phone calls and text messages on our cell phone records. He lied and said his roommate was using his phone. Then I heard a voice mail on his phone that said, “hey baby, it’s me, it’s two o’clock, call me back!” I was thinking…. baby, it’s me… Only I say hey its Me, because I’m the only me to him because I’m his wife. Well I was wrong. He dogged me for accusing him of lying and having an affair. He told me that I was a nag and he didn’t want to be with me because I accuse him of false stuff but in the end it was all true. It hurts so bad that he lied and lied and in the end everything and worse was true. He had convenced me that he’d never touch another woman no matter what. He did a really good job of lying to me. I knew something had happened but I honestly only thought maybe they kissed but man was I wrong. No protection was used and I didn’t understand this at all. He could have brought a disease to me or got her pregnant. My brother also plays minor league baseball and when he was transferred to another state, he let my husband use his car until it was shipped to were he was. Well, he had told the girl that he had an affair with that the car was his brothers and he let her ride in it many of times. Well, my husband is the only child and it was his brother-in-laws car. Another painful thing that I couldn’t understand is while he was gone, I was at home with our two sons and our oldest has ALL Leukemia. Our son was at the strongest and toughest part of his chemo treatment, and was extrememly sick. It was horrible. Trying to take care of my 2 year old that wouldn’t get out the bed and just cried and taking care of our 11 month old alone, while he was being extremely mean and hurtful to me and having an affair at the same time was hard and still I don’t understand how someone that loved you could do this. This affair happened in March of 2008. I found out for sure all the facts in August 2008. Still till this day it hurts when it pops up in my mind. The memories are so clear to me. I don’t know why I stayed with him after this, I really don’t. So for you guys that are recent victims of an affair, I hope that by two years later, the memories are gone and not still clear as day. I feel disguisted, betrayed, hurt, and mad. An affair is an extrememly hard thing to face and to get over. Now, don’t get me wrong, I go many days without thinking about it and am ok but when it is brought up or something makes me think about it, then this is how I feel. I guess it could be worse and my marriage wouldn’t be existing if I couldn’t have gotten over it to a certain point. Praying is what helped me through many of days and my two sons. It was so hard to turn to God at first because I didn’t understand why but once I did, things did become a lot better. I realized that forgiving him is what Jesus would do and was the right thing to do. I’m not perfect and am thankful that God has forgiven me of my sins.
My husband told me that he told his lover he had too much to lose to leave me. So, yeah, now is he staying because he loves me, or because he doesn’t want to be wiped out financially? I know we’d both end up in poverty if I split. It has been very tempting. I feel like it just might make the whole thing go away if I were to leave.
We’re getting along just great after 2 years since the revelation. His affair lasted 5 1/2 years out of our 38 year marriage. I want to know how to look at our marriage. My therapist says we weren’t really married during those 5 1/2 years, just two people living together. Mentally he had divorced me, but I didn’t know it. Yes I have those thoughts, too, how could I have been so blind? So now I don’t know how to look at it. Do we celebrate 39 years this year, or do we go back to 2002 and start adding from there? Or just start over? If we start over what do I do with all those years we were married? In my mind we are not married right now, just living together with benefits I took my rings off, but am not ready to say we’re married other than legally.
I too asked for intimate details. Now I sort of wish I didn’t. I can’t get the images out of my mind. My husband had several affairs one of which lasted almost 15 years. I had no clue and that is something I can’t get our of my mind. How could I have been so stupid. I have corresponded with one of his women and she has told me he does love me, but he did say he did not want to leave me because he was afraid I would wipe him out financially. He says he never said that. Now, I wonder if he is telling the truth. He is doing everything he can to make up for everything, but now I wonder what is true and is he still lying to me. We have been married for a very long time. I think I should see a counselor, but I have a hard time letting anyone know what has happened. So many people think we had the perfect marriage and a lot of people have told me they are jealous of what we have…Isn’t that a laugh.
I insisted when I found out about the affair, to hear all the details, it was as if I wanted to hurt more and more, now I cant get the images of what he told me out of my mind, its the first thing I think about when I wake, and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep, its like a slow torture, and now wish I had never asked,
Keren
I found out last June that my husband, of just over 4 years, had been having an affair with a woman for almost 3 and a half years. I was totally devastated. There hadn’t been any problems in our marriage, none that I’d felt anyway. During his affair, he had heart surgery, we had 2 cycles of IVF. Miscarriage. Moved house. A triplet pregnancy. Lost 2 babies and still he carried on with his affair, even through it all.
Once I found out about it, he said it ended. I think it is. He is much better now, more careing, considerate and generous with his time, which he wasn’t before. He is patient with my paranoia. But I sometimes feel I let him off! He did something so awful by betraying me in such a way, that I stayed with him. I feel stupid at times for staying.
Like Tina, I wish there was a delete button. I sometimes wish I had never found out because all the pain and hurt that I now feel. All the time. Every single day I feel these things and I want it to end and I don’t know how to make it stop.
I love my husband but I wonder why I love him for what he has done to me. I actually feel sometimes: what could I have done differently but I didn’t do anything wrong. I have been a good wife. Kind, affectionate, generous, do all the things that they say a ‘good wife’ would do so I ask myself, WHY?