“My self-esteem has taken a plunge,” Terry confided. “Never did I think that would happen to me! I’m at the pinnacle of my career, raised a family-three well-adjusted kids. Just when I should be able to bask in all that I’ve worked so hard for over the years, I find out about the affair. Now here I am, like some teenager, wondering if I’m attractive enough, smart enough, accomplished enough. It’s a real challenge to work on saving this marriage and the doubts I now have about that, when I’m also trying to deal with all of these self-doubts-it’s overwhelming. My self-esteem is completely eroded. How am I supposed to work on building a better marriage, when I feel like I’ve lost my sense of self?”
As you read Terry’s story above, you might have found that your experience mimicked some of what she was going through. You might have been moving through your life, accomplishing your goals, with your marriage serving as a comfortable, secure backdrop and foundation.
Then came the blow. Your spouse upended your marriage vows and the very foundation you relied on, and your belief in the life you had was shaken to the core, and with it, your self-esteem.
Suddenly, your inner conversation was, and probably still is, filled with questions of self-doubt about who you are and what you’re worth. Where you might have once stood tall and proud, you may now feel like a paler, more timid version of your former self.
If you’ve been injured by an affair, there are many layers of devastation to work through that are a result of learning of the affair. You may be struggling to overcome a multitude of complex feelings and thoughts, both on a personal level and in regard to saving your marriage-just like Terry.
Most of the focus after infidelity is given to the loss of trust that occurs, because trust is such an important issue in faithfulness. Today, however, I want to focus on the blow your self-esteem takes when you learn that your husband or wife cheated on you, and how it affects how you feel about yourself. In this blog, I want to share steps to help you reclaim a healthy sense of self-esteem.
Are any of the feelings expressed by Terry familiar to you? Here are other examples:
1. I look so tired all the time now, no wonder my spouse strayed.
2. With this paunch, my spouse probably isn’t attracted to me anymore.
3. If I hadn’t let our intimate time together get stale, maybe this wouldn’t have happened.
4. My husband (or wife) is probably bored with me, since I rarely have anything interesting to say.
When you are haunted with words of self-doubt, it can be difficult to switch gears from tearing yourself down to being your own advocate. Your self-esteem may already have taken a beating just by the news of your spouse’s affair. Now you may be struggling with your own inner dialogue, which could be adding fuel to the fire that is devastating what’s left of your self-esteem.
Today I want to help by giving you steps to help you overcome your inner crisis.
Your Self-Confidence: A Crucial Component To Marriage-Building
If you are also trying to repair a damaged marriage amidst this inner turmoil, you suddenly find too many challenging questions on your plate. From healing yourself to healing your marriage, it’s a lot for you to take on all at once.
If you are trying to work, keep your kids going, maintain the household and all of the other myriad demands of life, there’s only so much of you to go around.
In the midst of all this, you need to take some time for yourself and work on rebuilding your self-esteem. Your self-esteem is an essential, crucial component of saving your marriage. To build a marriage that is stronger than what you’ve had, you will need a strong sense of inner self-confidence, and the courage to demonstrate your self-confidence. Here are some steps for you to take as a beginning to help you get through this crisis period.
Step 1: Commit to Yourself
Before you can commit yourself to saving your marriage and building it into a stronger relationship, first commit to this: to salvaging your self-confidence and building a stronger relationship with yourself.
Your self-confidence is damaged, and only you can repair it. Commit to making the effort to heal yourself, first and foremost. Your priority at the moment should be to focus inward as you work through this self-healing process.
Step 2: Define the Crisis
When you experience a crisis of self-confidence, you are already asking yourself many questions, as we observed in Terry’s story. The questions can cut to the core.
Submit to this self-evaluation. Ask yourself the hard questions. I encourage you to write down what you’re asking, and what your answers are to your own questions. Get it all out in the open, no matter what the question is, and no matter what your answer is in response.
Remember that you are the expert on knowing your thoughts and feelings. I am not saying that your thoughts or feelings are equivalent to or based on “the truth,” only that no one knows better than you what your thoughts and feelings are.
After you make an honest self-evaluation, analyze your information. Can you put a name to the inner crisis you’re experiencing? In order to cope with the crisis, you need to understand what it is.
Step 3: Cope with Confidence
After you do your self-evaluation, we can expect that you will understand more of your own motivations for tearing yourself apart. Now, your “job” is to argue with yourself against the negative thoughts and feelings.
For example, in the opening segment one of Terry’s questions was: “Am I accomplished enough?” But Terry already knew the answer and told herself, “I’m at the pinnacle of my career.” If one of your self-questions was whether or not you’re accomplished enough, ask yourself: “How exactly can my spouse’s affair take away from my accomplishments?”
This exercise will help you define your crisis of self-confidence, and then your “job” will be to question and argue against those self-defeating thoughts and questions. For some people experiencing a blow to their self-esteem after infidelity, there is something appealing about staying mired in the self-defeating thinking. It can create the illusion that you are taking care of “the problem,” because you are actively focusing on something and feel that you are somehow controlling things and making them better. But focusing on an illusion accomplishes nothing in the real world. You need to break free from this pattern.
I provide very specific steps in my program, How to Survive an Affair, to help you move beyond the self-defeating thoughts you might have after you discover infidelity in your marriage. You will find the Nine Shockwaves and the Monster Emotions that you, as the victim of your spouse’s affair, may need to work through as you begin to heal your marriage.
Use this link now to get started with the healing process:
If your self-confidence is flagging, it may be too much to try healing your damaged marriage unless you are also taking care of yourself. The program helps you take a look at the overall picture of surviving an affair, and how to break it down into three manageable phases.
My best wishes for you as you cope with confidence and regain your self-esteem.
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.
P.S. For more step-by-step information on focusing inward and coping with confidence, please see my program How to Survive an Affair today. Inside you will find multiple key exercises that help you cope with the pain you are experiencing after learning of your spouse’s affair. The program gives you a workable, realistic plan to support your efforts as you take the steps necessary to heal yourself as well as your marriage.
P.P.S. Now, I’d like to hear from you. Have you experienced a crisis of self-confidence? Simply scroll down and click the comment link at the bottom of this page.
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An essential step of individual improvement would be to train your self to weed out the negative thoughts. This must be a proactive process. When you possess a negative thought, quit, think, and rephrase that unfavorable thought into one of positive modifications. Before you know it the amount of negativity inside your thinking will reduce.
I live by “nothing is for sure”…. you don’t need his love to validate you…
What do you want? What makes you happy? What are your standards? Do not settle for less than God’s best for your life and life of deception and lies and treachery are not God’s best for you.
I found out about the affair about a year and a half ago. We were supposed to be working it out, but he continued with his paramour. Even after I moved out, he chased her. Anyway, I recently celebrated my 40th birthday and had a 40th bday celebration in honor of women and even used this experience to inspire other women and wrote a book entitled The ABCs of You: Words of Inspiration and Affirmation in Celebration of Women. http://www.abcsofyou.com. I did my book signing on my birthday to celebrate life and the blessing that God has given me. Even though this situation hurts like hell and still leaves me baffled, God is still faithful. I even started graduate school. This episode moved me to achieve something for me that I always wanted for myself. Praise God for that. But I still understand having those days when you just wanna cry out to God and ask why? And you know what…those days are okay too. It is part of the process and part of your healing. Be encouraged and be blessed.
We married 22 years After the discovery of my husbands affair, he has never admitted it, all though he has lived with her for 4 years, not admitting that either. He kicked my self esteem out from under me more than once. Every time I rebuild or try to rebuild my self he comes along and knocks me down. I have lost my nerve my confidence and will to improve my self. Now I have fear,and no confidence..how do I get that back. How do I not let him destroy that which I build.
We have never lost contact although he divorced me ..so I thought but found out later he did not file the paper work.For some damn reason I still love him and would like to rebuild..he claims he wants this to. But is stuck, he has issues(that are none of my business) he says its not that simple to come back, but he wants to.Ya right! I have tried everything I know from trying to work with him to completely having no contact.
Here he comes an there goes me again… how do I stop it and rebuild me into the strong, healthy, person I use to be.?
I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in 2002. Besides the fatigue and other problems, I developed ED. In the fall of 2004 I got suspicious and read my wife’s email and discovered an affair that had just started. A year later it finally ended. I had surgery, getting an inflatable implant, but my walking ability diminished, had bouts with incontinence, and had to stop working in 2005. In 2007 I got the same suspicions again, ending with me catching her coming out of a hotel with a co-worker. This all happened while we were in marriage counseling! The physical affair ended 6 months later, but the phone calls etc continued ’til this past November.
I know it was a reflection on her character, and not me. I stuck with her out of love. My military retirement and VA disability gave me a good income and I still had a preteen daughter at home. I was proud of my accomplishments, my positive response to the affairs, no violence, etc. despite being a gun owner (I was even armed when I caught her at the hotel but never considered even a threat of violence). She says she’s sorry for what happened but she still shows no interest in me physically. She denies my MS is an issue, but how can I not feel differently?
I get around with a van with a ramp for my scooter and hand controls, and I’ve gotten involved in activities, as well as going to a gym. Yet I still feel inadequate, less of a man, etc. I even considered having my own affair. It’s hard to feel positive about my value even though I rationally know better. The “Survive” program helped me, but I still get those nagging feelings of being sub-par. It also goes without saying my trust level is near zero despite hearing “nice words” from her. I wonder if I will ever feel better about me, and my relationship with my wife.
I am so sorry to hear of your pain. Last year I discovered that my husband of 30 yrs (together 40 yrs) has had many affairs over the last 10 years (though just admitted to the last one, when he was caught and confronted). After the discovery, we tried counseling. I found out during the counseling that he was lying about having ended the affair (the first step in recovery and he had committed to doing that). In my own private session with the counselor, I told the counselor I knew my husband was lying and why. I did not ask my husband about this but instead kept going with him to our joint marriage counseling sessions. Just a few weeks after this, my husband decided he really didn’t see the value of the counseling (and the expense) and thought we’d been given enough of the recovery steps to try the exercises for ourselves. I worked at the steps the counselor gave us; my husband worked at things half-assed and then, at nothing.
It’s 6 months later and I’ve continued on with my own counseling. It’s been a slow process for me to heal from all the direct and collateral damage my husband’s actions have caused. I had hoped that he would change but simply put, he doesn’t want to. This is all a very convenient situation for him. It’s so unfair to me but mostly, to our children who I feel have witnessed a dispassionate marriage; we’re just roommates, not unkind to each other but a long way from the loving, supportive, intimate relationship we once had.
And so, with a great many tears and a great deal of thought over many sleepless nights and lost days, I’ve come to realize that I’ve lost any hope I’d had that my husband will change and for me now, lost the love I had for him after so many years. But, and I think this will perhaps sound odd, I’m okay with moving on. Actually, am looking forward to a different life.
The decision to stay or part is so difficult and personal that only you will come to know what’s right for you. But I’d like to throw out there a little gift for you that I’ve learned from my experience…your husband’s behavior, perhaps his “personality flaw”, has
NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS IRRESPONSIBILITY AND LACK OF COMMITMENT AND FAITHFULNESS.
It is with this in mind, the understanding of whether he truly wants to work at the relationship (and how much xxxx your willing to deal with), and whether YOU want to stay that will likely bring you to a final conclusion about your future. It’s really scary stuff, I know. It’s a process and you may come out of all of this happy with him, in a supportive, loving, monogamous relationship or happy without him (yes, that is definitely possible). You may stay very happily single or end up in another relationship with someone who truly loves and respects you.
For now, whether you stay or leave, I’d like to suggest that you try to concentrate on making yourself #1 in every way you can think of. I’m not saying in a selfish way, like with “an attitude” (well, a little is OK for the gander:)). Just think of you as being defined as just YOU, not “US”–that’s what I always did anyway and why I think it’s been so painful. The “US” is a part of your self-definition–it’s not all of who YOU are. Try that feeling on for awhile…even if it’s just for an afternoon. Maybe try writing down what it is you want from a relationship (with him or anyone else)–be specific, then how you feel about where you are, then express and ask for what you want. He’ll either do it or not but you’ll have the satisfaction of having expressed yourself in a constructive, meaningful way to you. If he agrees to what you want (e.g., date night every Friday), decide the particulars like who’s going to make the arrangements, what day of the week, etc.) This way, there’s accountability—something you and I have both missed out on!!
You’ve been and are in the trenches and no one can “rush” you through processing of all of the feelings you have. But, it is a time when you might try something — try to concentrate on yourself, what you want, what gives you joy and fulfillment, and brings you happiness. Maybe it’s getting together with girlfriends, maybe it’s reading a good book, uninterrupted. Identify activities that bring you enjoyment and give that back to yourself. You deserve that! And, I do think it’s important to write down anything that makes you feel badly about yourself. Then, write a positive statement. Again, gaining 11 pounds is not a reason to cheat on you. “I feel gorgeous and am comfortable with who I am.” I don’t care what you look like or how you feel about yourself. Just try saying that 30 times a day. Your brain chemistry will change and you will feel better about yourself. (We’re a big part of our own self-talk—so say something else!!)
I wish the very best to you. You will survive this, probably stronger and happier than you’d ever imagined, no matter what happens.
Whatever I have done in the past was never good enough. I’ve always been blamed for just about everything, from the allergies that the children had to not supporting her.It felt as if I was never good enough for her.
When I confronted her with the affair, she had a nervous breakdown. During treatment it came out that she had a number of unresolved issues with her mother , some dating back to her childhood. One was her own ego.
All the years I’ve been the target for her passive aggression.
I still wonder if it was worthwile to pay such a price and whether I should not simply call it a day and cut my losses by ending the relationship as it seems to me she’s not really willing or committed to the relationship, if that is what one can call it.
I don’t think I will ever gain confidence in myself after learning 6 years ago that my husband has had many affairs, emotional and sexual. As if that didn’t crush my self-esteem, he also told me in writing during counceling that “he wanted to make love” to a woman that had become his “best friend” years ago for at least 7 years. “He was her care-giver and being with or talking with her daily made his next day BEARABLE. He also told me of another affair in which a woman did sexual favors that I had never done for him. I hate to admit that we are still married and tomorrow will be our 44th anniversary. He has put me through hell for 6 years of non-caring, non-supporting emotions. My love for him was and is very REAL. I need feedback.
Reading “what affairs do to self esteem” along with everything else from Dr. Gunzburg rings very true. I also went through this stage….there is nothing quite like losing what you loved and believed in to make you have a long, hard, honest look at yourself in the mirror. There is a choice to be made–your experience WILL change you–do you want that change to leave you bitter and therefore perhaps alone….or do you want to suck up every ounce of positive out of your horrible experience to make you a stronger more confident person? I chose the latter and much to my surprise the blow to my self esteem was a short stage. Today I am stronger and more accepting of who I am than I ever have been in my life and it feels incredible. Never did I think something so good could come out of something so bad.
This is true for me in all ways but one yet–sexually I haven’t been able to wrap my head around not comparing myself with “her” and have become more timid and inhibited than I used to be sexually. When the affair happened I was at a point in my life of wanting a fuller more explorative sex life and then wham–my husband found it with someone else. The affair was short but of course damaging.
I believe I’m healing well from what happened save for this, it’s been a stickler to get over. It’s interesting reading/hearing about what each individual finds difficult to deal with, everyone is different. As with everything else I’ve gone through in surviving the affair I believe I will overcome this as well…those dreaded words again…”in time”….
Please stop billing my credit card. I am ok without your help. I do not need your $50.00 a month insight, or your letters to cheer me up.
Brad Goldston