What is the best way to prevent adultery from happening?
Make the ground for adultery infertile so it doesn’t have a chance to take root and grow. It’s much easier in the long run to prevent adultery from happening in the first place than it is to try save your marriage after the fact.
In this blog, I will give you three steps for preventing adultery, based on the number one adultery squasher. Keep reading…
A Top Ingredient for Marriage Success
Have you been truly honest with your spouse, and has your spouse been truly honest with you?
If one of you has already had an affair, the answer is obviously “no.” When trust is broken in a marriage, it means that at least one spouse has been dishonest.
And that is the best way to prevent adultery from happening again, or happening in the first place: using honesty as your guiding principle. The key to a successful marriage built on trust is the open exchange of information and ideas with each other—even if some of those ideas are ugly.
Open lines of communication are critical for relationship success.
In the last blog, I wrote about how to handle connecting with an old flame. One of the best practices you can employ to prevent adultery from finding fertile ground is to be open and transparent about it with your spouse. It’s when we begin to hide or otherwise veil the truth that problems can seep into the marriage.
You can damage the lines of communication in your marriage even if you never tell your spouse an outright lie. In fact, there are many different ways to lie to your spouse. Each of them can damage or even destroy the open flow of information I described above.
There are various shades of untruth. For example, you can make up outright untruths and offer them as reality. Those are lies of commission. There are also lies of distortion. If you say that you are going out to gas up the car, but you also plan to call a co-worker you’re attracted to, it is a lie of commission and distortion.
These are partial shadings of the truth, which is still a form of dishonesty. And anytime you are tempted to offer a partial-truth shading, you know you are creating fertile ground for adultery to take hold.
There shouldn’t be any questions about “what your spouse has a right to know.” When you are married, just about everything is your spouse’s business. That’s called open and transparent lines of communication, and it’s one that helps keep the marriage strong.
Transparency is the key to a happy, healthy, fully intimate marriage. It is one of the keys to rebuilding honesty and trust after it has been shattered.
If you can become so open that your spouse can actually see through your words and actions and know what you are thinking and doing, this sends a message that you are being honest, and opens the lines of communication in your relationship.
How to Be Transparent
Becoming transparent with your spouse is a process. It isn’t going to happen overnight: you’ll have to learn skills and practice them regularly if you want to improve the level of transparency in your marriage.
Step 1: Share Everything
Talk with your spouse about your life. Share information about what you are doing when you’re not together: where you are going, what you do, how your day progressed.
This should never feel as if you are sitting under a spotlight with sweat running off your brow as if you were in an interrogation. If you look at it that way, you are not defining transparency right in your own mind. Instead of thinking as if you’re reporting to a judge, jury and executioner, redefine it as sharing yourself—which is a generous gift on your part to your spouse.
When you share everything, adultery has a hard time getting planted, its seeds squashed before they can sprout.
Step 2: Freely Express Your Thoughts and Feelings
By making a habit of sharing your thoughts and feelings in an ongoing manner, you can avoid building up resentments or hurt: your spouse will know immediately when something has upset you.
Also, share your dreams and ideas. Positive interactions such as this are a bonding opportunity between you and your spouse, a chance to boost your intimate connection. This makes the ground infertile for adultery, because there is no “drive for connection” that can allow someone to try to justify cheating.
Step 3: Using a Suspicion Filter
Suspicion is a challenge in a relationship where someone has had an affair or lied to his or her spouse. In this case, the victim has developed mistrust, and being suspicious is only natural.
If you are the victim of dishonesty, consider developing a suspicion filter. When you are having suspicions, run them through the filter before offering them to your spouse. Ask yourself on what basis an action or words are causing suspicion? If you feel your suspicion is justified, present it to your spouse in a calm manner with the reason why you are feeling this way.
And if you have been dishonest in your marriage, understand that your spouse is struggling with mistrust, which is due to your own actions. To prevent adultery from occurring, you need to be open to sharing, even when you are feeling accused.
My best to you as you prevent adultery from entering your marriage.
Do you and your spouse practice transparency?
Does being transparent make you feel more connected to your spouse? If not, why not?
Do you see how easy it can be for adultery to gain ground in your marriage if you don’t practice a policy of total honesty?
Please share your ideas and personal experiences on this topic with other members of the community.
Wishing you hope and healing for your marriage,
Stephanie Anderson
Editor-in-Chief
Marriage Sherpa
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[...] 3. An expectation that the cheating spouse will look, sound, and act remorseful when affair-like issues arise, such as when a movie plot includes the beginnings of infidelity, or other things arise that remind either one of you of adultery. [...]
I really like Cynthia’s response, thank you.
“It takes two to speak truth –One to speak, and another to hear.”
- Henry David Thoreau
A lot of affairs could be avoided if Mr. Thoreau’s quote was adhered too. I find articles like this to be somewhat dangerous, in that it puts all responsibility on the person vulnerable to having an affair(“YOU! need to do this”). In fact, it does take the vulnerable person being honest and open, but the other spouse has to be approachable as well, and really listen to what they’re being told. Lines of communication can be damaged by more than dishonesty. Ridiculing your spouse who is trying to be open is very damaging. Being overly defensive can prevent your spouse from being open. Worst yet is ignoring your spouse when they say repeatedly that there is a problem.
I would recommend that everyone in a relationship be honest, open and transparent with their partner and, JUST AS IMPORTANT, learn to listen as well.
he has no self respect for himself nor his spouse, the bastard!!!!
Ethel
I can so relate to your story mine is similar although I am a year recovering as I found out nov 3 2010 I can tell you from my experience that “the reason they won’t talk or answer questions” is that they are still lying about what took place. It took me a year of digging for me to uncover what took place. I needed to know in order to move forward. His thinking was to not talk about it and forgive him.REALLY? I know your pain and how can you begin to be transparent if your not honest as to what took place? Mine was with 2 women via texting skype and numerous ph calls, all about sex, but he swears the act never took place,regardless it still crushed me. But after digging on the computer I did find hidden conversations and was able to confront him. “Ies and not being transparent kills a marriage How do you stop looking to see if there going to do it again.and trust, when you’ve been lied to even after being caught! It baffles me and am having a hard time moving on. He has said he was sorry and would never do it again, but then why lie for a year? Has anyone else experienced this?
it’s been 3 years he cheated a few times and the last time he left he didn’t even tell me where he was going left in the night what to do? he doesn’t want to be honest finally actually even admitted to the affairs 2 years after he was found out says it was my problem I drove him away even though I begged him to get consuling and not just throw 30 years away he hasn’t hardly contacted his 7 kids in 3 years tells me he’d come back but give me a list of conditions like don’t ask him to get a job no promise of commitment just i promise i won’t do it again (and i’ve heard that line before) I asked him what make that statement true this time? he said I saw the damage it’s done I told him when you start being honest with me and offer me something of how you see the realtionship working in the future ? and start taking some responsiability for your own actions and stop blaming everyone else. and start to mend your relationships with your children then you can come and visit and we can talk he says you aren’t forgiving you can’t put conditions on love if you really loved me nothing I did would stop you from loving me I said it’s not that I don’t forgive you I’m willing to give you another chance you just have to show me that it will be different . what to dodon’t seen like I can reach him to understand it’s not the act of cheating it ‘s the utterl lack of honesty and taking responsibilty and doing something about it that is what I have difficulty with. what to do?
Lori and HnH,
I love what you wrote.
I recently found out that my husband of 21 years has been having an affair with a co-worker 17 years younger than he is. He chose to accept her offer for NSA sex last winter and it developed into a full blown affair. We have always had a passionate, pleasurable relationship. We have everything you could ask for, passion, material possessions, a nice house, cars, three terrific kids, good jobs, etc. Family, friends and co-workers were as shocked at his indescretion as much as I was. I (we all) never imagined my well respected man of honor and integrity would ever commit adultery, but he did.
He chose to cross that line – he wasn’t looking for it, so he says. But when she offered an open door, he walked through it again and again and although he says he was conflicted the whole time, he couldn’t bring himself to do the right thing. Like an addict, he was under her spell.
Like you Lori, I considered having my own indescretion, but I have much more respect for myself and my wedding vows than he did. I can honestly hold my head up and know that I have integrity. I love my husband dearly and although I am completely devastated and broken hearted by his actions, I am committed to making my marriage better than it was before. He is remorseful and regrets his choices and wants desperately for me to forgive him. We are working the program and in counseling.
I don’t know if I can ever forgive him for what he has done to us and our family but I have come to a point (only 4 months from the day of disclosure) where I have begun to accept what has happened and am willing to do the work necessary to try to rebuild.
Honesty, transparency and total committment from both of us are necessary if this is to work. I pray every day for grace and strength.
unfortunately we learned this all the hard way (at least I have learned to speak up loud and clear)
CS chose to avoid any and all issues and then turn to an old girlfriend to escape mid-life realities
now I talk alot and try to encourage him to also
it is HIS responsibility to not ever turn to another for attention or to avoid issues – or keep on walking to a divorce attorney! Once I can live with and learn – twice it’s done
I feel a bit relieved by what Lori wrote. I found out my husband was having an affair on the 22nd Oct this year after 19years of marriage. I am so diversitated it’s unbelieveable. The pain, betrayal and everything that comes with it. I hate him so much right now. I can’t bear to share the bed with him. He quickly told the other woman it was finished when I found out but he refuses to give me some answers to my questions. This is what is contributing to my anger and resentment. I have been blaming myself for his affair wondering where I went wrong and how I could not have prevented this to happen. In all this the children are so disturbed and can’t stand the sight of him! I don’t know if and when I will ever heal but I will keep praying. Best wishes to you all
Cynthia,
I agree with all that you said. We do need to tend to our marriages as though we tend to a garden. But if something is not right, you have to weed it out & water it. You don’t get advice & councel in an inappropriate way from an inappropriate person. You take care of the issue with the person you promised to God & everyone that you would live with as husband or wife.
It doesn’t matter how bad the problem. There is never a reason of any kind to cheat. There are many other ways to correct the problem. Adding a third person to the equation can never work or make sense. It causes hurt & complications far greater than the original issues.
Like I said before. Most of us here need a break from blaming ourselves for what our CS has done to us. None of us were perfect, but none of us including our children deserved the fallout of their indescretions.
HnH & Lori,
You are both so spot on! It is so nice to give ourselves a break from a lot of the people out there saying that somehow WE caused our spouses to cheat. Thanks for the reminder that all of us hurting spouses needed to hear. We didn’t cause it & it was their decision no matter what! They are in a dark place & need to work on THEMSELVES! What we do or are does NOT justify ANY of their adulterous actions.
It feels so nice to read these new blogs & give myself a break for awhile! You always deliver great words of wisdom HnH! And I hope to hear more from you Lori!
My spouse and I assume mutual personal responsibility for the quality of our uniquely intimate relationship (marriage). Both realize that in our culture, marital dissatisfaction will not be tolerated without consequences that we prefer to avoid. It is our love, our commitment to one another, and our self-interest that causes us to continuously reflect upon our own and our spouse’s ways of participating in the marriage. If either of us fails to participate with full commitment to our own and our spouse’s understood and accepted needs, desires, and wishes then we are creating a marriage that is at risk for becoming an unsatisfying union. How we cope with that dissatisfaction is something we prefer to avoid learning about our selves and our spouse. It is simply more self-fulfilling to work at mutual satisfaction. It is with this goal of self-fulfillment through mutual satisfaction, in mind, that we tackle whatever conflicting needs, desires, and wishes arise. Thus when necessary, marital negotiating and compromise can be done successfully because both of us believe in our mutual concern for one another’s marital satisfaction. When this balanced concern for our self and our spouse’s satisfaction becomes unbalanced, the marriage suffers. The reasons for the lack of balanced concern may be emotional immaturity, mental and emotional illness, cultural influences, upbringing, etc… Regardless of cause, the painful damage that results from this unbalanced concern for self and spouse, and how each spouse copes is as highly individual and unpredictable as the reasons for the original cause of pain. It is this cycle of causing pain and responding to pain that begins to define our marriage, and replaces our concern and efforts toward mutual marital satisfaction. We are no longer willing to risk vulnerability because we no longer trust that our spouse is committed and able to participate in a mutually satisfying marriage. We are now on-guard for the next cycle of pain. Counseling, behavioral changes, faith, anti-depressants, other relationships, hobbies, work, and so forth may be how we will cope and may make the marriage tolerable. However, without the full restoration of real mutual concern for one another’s marital satisfaction that leads to a relationship of trust, commitment, and maturity, the marriage will continue to be unsatisfying. As I said many words ago, we’d prefer to start and continue marriage with our commitment to mutual satisfaction–much easier than the healing and changes required if we are to find a new beginning for our marriage.
I really like Lory’s response So wise
Gives me support in seeing my own situation more clear
This darkness I saw in my cheating husband, was sorry for him being lost in that darkness
I tried hard to bring him back – but partially because it was one way communication (he changed so much by this darkness, he behaved violently and will show me all sort of disrespect) and I was not reaching that little girl to ask her if she realized how much pain she is bringing to the whole family). So this was just me trying. Nobody else. One way in regard to our relationships. Or rather – each person was acting according to the situation he find himself: two of them pulling their story together (he partially from embarrassment and opportunities connected to China and the girl from desire to get to the West by the means of influential older lover – sugar daddy. This is wht he became – sugar Daddy), but myself and our daughter, we were so hurt, that all we can do – by being good, let them to do what they were doing – to destroy our life
I am not sure at all, that 50/50 is right equation in relationships
In fact it can’t be even and anyway one can’t count all the time
Marriage teach us also a generosity, when one observes another in generous gestures
N.
well said Heaven N Hell,
No has the power or influence over another person to stop an affair, there is only one person that can do that the person considering having the affair.
I found out last 5th November on a cell phone about my husband, could I have stopped it I don’t think so, but with hindsight I should have realised it was happening, all the lies and the deceet that came out of that mans mouth. Will I forget NEVER. Will I ever forgive good question!!!!!!!
I am in total agreement with Heaven N Hell.
It is ultimately our character, principles, and truly embracing what God demands of us over impetuousness and selfishness that will be the determining factor when making the choice to commit adultery. I do not believe that we can be tempted with something or someone if it isn’t one of our ‘temptations’.
I can understand the ‘wisdom’ in the ‘fertile ground for adultery’ theory, I truly can. However when I was in a really bad place following my husband’s cheating… these types of articles tore my heart out, and for good reason.
The ‘fertile’ ground theory relies on the precept that as long as you perform well enough, as long as what you offer is better than, and as long as you make yourself worth loving… you will be loved and loved right.
In my heart I know that love has nothing to do with having a use to someone else. For if that is the case, there is no love present.
Marriage may begin with peace and contentment and over the years may lose some of that. However if we are forever driven to find the thrill, we may one day be taking that dive out of a plane and our parachute won’t open. Such is the case when a cheating spouse has been caught.
When my wounds were wide open and bleeding, I had thoughts of cheating to get back at him (anger) and then to fill a deep need inside of me to be wanted and valued by someone. However, after deep contemplation I realized something.
There are certain lines in the sand that when we cross them, we become them. There is no going back. There is no ‘unbecoming’. There is no way to undo it. Such is the case with the marriage vow. Even though my husband made that choice to cheat, he is now tormented by it.
If evil were to have a face one of its many faces would be adultery. It is insidious in its way of inoculating the person doing the act and everyone around them with long lived harm.
I used to be one of the walking dead. One of the casualties. All of that despair eventually made me strong. My strength came from my choice to remain true to who I am and to live as God has chosen for me. Picking up some guy who makes me feel better is certainly not what God wants for me, nor is it something that God ever wanted for my husband. When we allow those other strange seeds to peak our interest and take hold in that fertile ground of our own brokenness adultery grows. It grows like a weed in a garden of roses. Taking it over.
Christ loved those who others found unlovable. There was a reason for these lessons in the bible. It was to teach us that love is abiding and it has nothing whatsoever to do with your usefulness to society or to your spouse. You have value and it is a value that abides and endures.
No marriage should be a living hell and no marriage that is a living hell could thrive, so I makes good sense to have a happy home.
However, people do not cheat because their ‘deal’ at home isn’t as good as the excitement ‘Bambi’ the stripper provides. People cheat because they allow themselves to go to a dark place.
Evil and deceit take whatever form it needs to in order to tempt you to cross that line in the sand. If one were to take an inventory of all of the various faces of evil we’d see it in business, in violent crimes, in all shapes and forms. Evil wants to find what peaks your interest and once that’s accomplished it will use that to direct you if you allow it.
Our worth is guaranteed in this world. The marriage vow is a covenant between two people that is intended to prevail ‘for richer or poorer, and in sickness and in health’. It is undertaken with the anticipation that things will not always float one’s boat. Do not believe for one moment that your worth as a spouse is tied to making things fun for your husband or wife. The covenant and the love that backs it is meant to sustain the bond. If your spouse has chosen to go to that dark place, know that it is not a reflection of your marriage as a union. It is a reflection of what is inside of them, what isn’t inside of them, or that they are simply lost.
If your spouse is lost on a walkabout in the darkness, it does not matter how wonderful you are … because your wonderfulness has nothing to do with why they are lost. Fresh baked cookies, a kiss on the lips hello darling, and being a great lover will not make right what is not right inside of your spouse. Each person is on a journey and marriage is one of the roads your spouse has chosen to travel. How well they travel this road is up to them.
As for the spouse who was harmed by the cheating… I can say this…
Having walked a mile in your shoes, remember… to love yourself and to remember that God loves you. Know that your marriage is a journey in life that we can travel with love and honor, or one we may travel with selfishness and greed. The road does not make the driver make the wrong turn. You or your marriage does not find what is lost and cannot prevent someone from being broken.
Always remember that your worth is not determined by how others treat you. Do not torment yourself. Do not try to find ways to become a better deal. Do not try to become a three ring circus to keep someone’s attention. In the end, you will have simply exhausted yourself. The healing that came to my husband occurred when he had chosen to see his actions through God’s eyes. The changes came when he realized that his journey was not being well traveled and that he had to make personal choices on the kind of man he was going to be. So he works to become them, but not to keep me… for himself. And that better man becomes someone I may want to know. That is what I believe marriage is really about. Not the things we ‘do’, but who we ‘are’.
In the US, there is a slogan from Smokey the Bear (mascot of the US Forest Service on the dangers of forest fires): “Only YOU can prevent forest fires.” It was about people being accountable for their actions and using safe practices so as to not start wildfires and burn forests down.
Only YOU can prevent yourself from committing adultery. That’s just 50% of the equation. You do not have the power over another person to prevent them from committing adultery. You can HELP INFLUENCE affairs from not occurring in your marriage, but the terminology “you can prevent affairs” is incorrect and misleading. Despite the blog articles suggestions — albeit excellent ones – honesty, communication, transparency — nobody has that power to prevent someone from committing the act of adultery. You can only prevent yourself from committing adultery. The other 50% is up to your spouse.