Cheating men (and women) have one thing in common: they’ve lied to their spouse, if not in word, then most definitely in deed – and their spouse wants to know how to end the lies.
If you have been lied to by your partner, you probably feel devastated. You may be struggling with emotions such as overwhelming anger, sadness, grief and depression, your head whirling with negative thoughts and images.
It’s not uncommon for affair victims to ask how to end the lies that have overtaken their marriage. In this blog, we’ll look at three tips. Read on…
Why Cheating Men’s Actions Devastate Affair Victims
The worst thing about cheating is how it makes the victim feel. Their trust has been broken, the affair almost always catches them off-guard – and they feel can even feel foolish, which is devastating to self-esteem.
You trusted your spouse to keep their vows, and now you find out you’ve been lied to? It’s a difficult pill to swallow when your faith in the person you love has been ripped apart.
What can begin is a cycle of self-doubt and self-questioning: “How could I have ever believed him?” or, “Why did I let him/her take advantage of me like this?”
How to Survive an Affair has sold over 20,000 copies and we have hundreds of written testimonials that have told us that Dr. Gunzburg’s program was the single reason they survived.
- Regain your self-esteem after the affair…
- Replace the anger, depression and sadness…
- Forgive your spouse and get a heart-felt apology…
- Rebuild the trust from the ground up…
- Open the lines of communication…
- Eliminate the negative thoughts…
- End the affairs for good…
- Make the relationship better than ever…
In a recent survey done by Marriage Sherpa, victims of cheating men had similar desires: to end the lies and get their spouse to be honest with them. It’s a simple human need: when you love someone, you want to know they care enough about you to treat you well and to be honest with you.
Honesty is a huge component of emotional connection. When it’s broken, you become disconnected from the person you love and cherish. You wonder how they could have had an affair and destroyed this connection.
There isn’t much you can do to force your spouse else to tell the truth. You can be receptive to his efforts, but the effort must come from him. If your marriage is going to survive, your husband or wife is going to have to make a real effort to restore your feelings of trust and safety. They have to prove to you that the lies have ended and that you can let feelings of trust blossom once again.
If this doesn’t happen, it is going to be very difficult for you to save your marriage. Marriages take two people to make them work. If one of them isn’t fully invested in the relationship and continues to lie and deceive, the likelihood that you will be able to repair your marriage is pretty low.
However, if your partner is committed to rebuilding your relationship (and you are too), then you have a very good chance of not only rebuilding your relationship, but making it better than it has ever been.
End the Lies and Rebuild Your Marriage
Lying can be like an addiction, especially for people who have used it as a way to cheat on or otherwise deceive their partners. You lie once, and tell yourself you’ll never do it again. But it served its purpose so well, that when another situation arises that seems to “require” a lie, you go ahead and do it again. And then again, and so on.
Most people don’t go into a relationship intending to deceive their partners, or even think they’ll ever cheat on their partners. In fact, they think they are so safe from the danger that they engage in actions risky to their relationships. Then they lie about it, and soon enough they are in so far over their heads they don’t even know how they got there.
To end the lies, here are some tips:
Tip #1: Implement a “No Lies” Policy
If you are the cheater, you begin a “no-lies policy” for yourself. You make the choice and commitment to yourself first, to never to lie to your spouse about anything ever again.
As the victim of the affair, you can implement this policy as well. In the days after an affair revelation, you may find yourself wanting to “pay him back” and do things to hurt him – which may include lying and more. If you want to survive an affair, you’ll need to be vigilant regarding your own actions as you watch for your spouse to prove their honesty to you.
You tell one “little white lie,” because you don’t want your partner to be hurt by your actions, you feel guilty and don’t want to admit what you’ve done, or you “forget.” Then, one lie turns into another and another. Soon, you’re running into a problem we’ll look at under Tip #2.
Tip #2: Be Aware of Slippery Slopes
There are lines that anyone can cross into dangerous territory – both cheating men and affair victims. Be aware of what’s called the “slippery slope:” those actions that seem well-intentioned at first that can quickly cross over into trouble for your marriage.
For example, if you are the affair victim, you may find you need a shoulder to cry on. If you have a close male friend, maybe you spend more time with them. You may find you’re really drawn to the support and understanding you’re getting – but you’re getting onto a slippery slope here where things can quickly become a situation in which you’re now having to shroud some of the truth of who you’re spending your time with or the fact that this person is filling an emotional need.
The cheater must be aware, also, of their actions and what brings them to the brink of the slippery slope – and avoid those actions/situations at all costs if you’re sincere about ending the lies and saving your marriage.
Tip #3: Question Yourself and Set Boundaries
The cheater must be vigilant about situations that bring them close to the slippery slope. To end the lies, you need to not put yourself into a position in which you feel a lie is necessary. Get to know what those areas are: can you tell your spouse the truth about what you are doing at any given time?
This is a good habit for both spouses: question yourself and your actions so that you’re aware of what may make you feel the need to lie. Many of us rely on our gut: we know when we’re doing something that is sketchy – so stop yourself before getting in too deep. Have boundaries that you won’t cross, which can be accomplished through self-questioning.
My best to you as you end the lies and rebuild your marriage.
Do you ever tell your spouse a “little white lie,” thinking it’s harmless?
Do you know where your boundaries are to avoid slippery slopes?
Has your cheating spouse made efforts to end the lies? What are they doing differently that they didn’t do before?
Please share your ideas and personal experiences on this topic with other members of the community.
Wishing you hope and healing for your marriage,