Question: What is a marriage without trust?

Answer: Completely unstable.

What you may want most in the world is to rekindle an open, honest relationship with your spouse and be secure in the knowledge that the web of lies and deceit has ended. You want to keep the doors of communication open so you can begin to heal, save your marriage, and allow your marriage a chance to flourish.

But how do you do this? In this blog, we’ll answer that question—a solution in 3 tips. Please read on…

Marriage and Trust: The Rebuilding

How do you end the lies and rebuild both your marriage and trust?

It’s an interesting question, and the answer involves multiple components. In previous blog posts, I have given you techniques for being transparent, and as you and your spouse use them, you should begin to sense a shift in your marriage.

It may feel like you can’t even see the horizon where honesty may exist, and it will seem as if it takes you forever to get there. It will take effort from both of you. But if you keep at it, eventually the tide will turn and the environment in your marriage will go from one of deceit to one of understanding and trust.

As you work through the building blocks to having a transparent relationship, you slowly rebuild the trust that was destroyed by the affair. With time and patience you can begin to rebuild your marriage and restore trust.

And then you must take measures to protect the work you have done.

This is the final building block to transparency—the finishing touch. It’s a very simple concept: keeping the door open. Once you’ve opened the door to a transparent relationship, keep that door open. That’s all you have to do to finally put an end to the web of lies and maintain an environment of trust for many years to come.

Keeping the Doors Open

Here are 3 tips for keeping the transparency going so your relationship can thrive:

Tip 1: Be conscious of behavioral slips

Take the time to analyze your behavior toward your spouse and watch for any slips that may shut your spouse out.

It’s easy to fall into the habit of unwittingly shutting your partner out, losing the momentum of making a real effort to open up to one another. It seems that once couples begin to move past the affair, they forget the importance of transparency and close one another out again.

Tip 2: Recognize distancing behavior

So what can shutting out your spouse sound like? Here are a few examples:

“You’re not my mother.”
“It’s not important.”
“Nothing’s wrong.”
“What do you want, for me to write you a full report?”

There are also nonverbal cues you may be giving that shut out your partner, such as rolling your eyes or not responding to a question you’ve been asked.

Tip 3: Eliminate bad behavior as you find it

Eliminate those distancing behaviors. Your marriage is too important, and you’ve done too much work to simply shut your spouse out again.

Words or actions like those examples under Tip #2 will shut down the lines of open communication you have worked so hard to establish. They close your spouse out and tell her she isn’t important to you.

My best to you and your spouse keep open the door of transparency.

Have you and your spouse worked together to open the lines of communication through transparency?

In analyzing your own behavior, do you see signs where your transparency efforts are slipping?

Are your spouse’s efforts at transparency beginning to slip?

Please share your ideas and personal experiences on this topic with other members of the community.

Wishing you hope and healing for your marriage,

Stephanie Anderson

Editor-in-Chief

Marriage Sherpa

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