Do you find yourself desperately trying to understand why your spouse cheated? Do you search your brain looking for a logical explanation to make sense of your spouse’s actions only to be left wondering over and over again?
If so, you aren’t alone. People who are faced with the devastating realization of an affair almost always ask themselves this question at some point.
If you have gone through the trauma of finding out your spouse cheated, you probably want to know, “Why?”
In this article I will be exploring an answer to this question. The answer I offer probably won’t be the one you expect, but I hope it will help shed some light on this problem. Please read on.
The Cheater’s “Leaky” Character
The truth is that there is no single, simple “reason” people get involved in affairs. Human beings are complex creatures and we all have different “reasons” for acting the way we do.
I have seen a common set of themes come up over and over again that people who cheat use as a justification for acting the way they did. Here are some examples:
“I cheated because I wasn’t getting my needs met inside the marriage.”
People who say this are usually under the deluded notion that going outside the marriage is a legitimate answer. It isn’t ever legitimate for reasons I will explain in a moment.
“I did it for the thrill.”
Some people are thrill seekers who think they just can’t pass up the opportunity to get a thrill. The very fact that these people are doing something taboo boosts the feeling that they are compelled to engage in the affair.
“I had the opportunity. What kind of man would I be if I turned down an opportunity for sex?
Some men think that they will not be considered a real man if they turn down a sexual invitation from someone attractive.
I did it because it made me feel like I was worth something again.
Some people have a low sense of self-esteem and get an increased sense of self-worth out of finding people who care about them. At its extreme end, this group perceives lust as a kind of caring, even if it lasts only one night. Included in this group are those who try to make more out of the outside relationship than was there.
My spouse wouldn’t fulfill my sexual desires.
This can be an issue of frequency, but would include those people with particular sexual fetishes that their spouse’s have problems with.
My spouse no longer makes me feel special.
This is a theme I see come up over and over again. The cheater no longer feels special in the eyes of his or her spouse, so they go outside the relationship thinking that another person might be able to fill this void.
These are only a few of the reasons people give for cheating on their spouses. There are many others as well.
Whatever “reason” or “reasons” the cheating partner gives, in my opinion it all comes down to one problem.
The cheating spouse has a hole in his or her character.
When you get married and take wedding vows, you are making a commitment. This commitment is about fidelity. When you get married you are essentially saying:
No matter how bad things get, even if we get into horrible arguments, don’t have sex for weeks or months, have more responsibilities than we can possibly juggle, draw apart emotionally, and even if we forget about how much we love each other, I will not cheat on you.
You have lots of options even if your marriage seems unbearable. You could argue. You could try to discuss your problems. You could see a therapist, talk to a priest or rabbi, discuss your problems with other couples or family members you trust. You could move to your parents’ house, you could separate, you could even divorce, but having an affair is not one of your choices.
You vowed that no matter what happens you will not cheat when you get married.
This is what the marriage vow means, and when you take marital vows, that’s what you are telling your spouse.
Therefore whatever “reasons” a cheater may give for cheating, are really only justifications that the cheater has established. In fact, when analyzing the pre-affair situation, it often can be demonstrated that the cheater created or exacerbated the problems he or she is complaining about.
If you are the cheater, you broke your commitment-a very serious commitment-that you made on the day of your wedding.
The only reason is that you have a hole in your character.
The “size” of the hole in your character varies with your circumstances: the length of time you were faithful, the number and duration of your affairs, the emotional depth of your affair(s), and your level of remorse.
If you are the injured party, and your spouse is a serial cheater or has shown himself or herself to be less than honest and faithful over the years, the hole is probably bigger than a “leak” and it will be that more difficult to repair the problems and restore your marriage.
That doesn’t mean it’s impossible. It just means it’s more difficult.
To get beyond the affair, the cheater has to take the necessary steps to repair this leak or hole in his or her character.
There are ways the cheater can achieve this goal, and I have outlined steps for doing that in my books How to Survive an Affair and Saving Your Marriage.
What I am trying to communicate here is that looking for “rational reasons” your spouse cheated isn’t getting to the heart of the issue. In fact, the “rational reasons” might add insult to injury by making it seem that the injured person was at fault.
It may be important for you to understand what problems existed or still exist in you marriage, but know that these problem couldn’t “drive” someone to cheat. A person of good character will not engage in even the earliest steps that might lead to an affair.
It is also important to understand that even though it takes only one person to bring an affair into a marriage, it will take both of you working diligently to repair your marriage and make it better than ever.
Why You Will Never Completely Understand a Cheater
You may come to some understanding of your spouse’s actions. In cases where there were problems in your marriage and this contributed to your spouse’s dissatisfaction in your marriage (and perhaps your dissatisfaction too) you can (and should) identify these problems, discuss them, and try to understand each other’s feelings.
But if you are not a cheater, you will never fundamentally understand what led your spouse to make a decision to cheat on you. You will not understand what has caused the “hole” or “leak” in his or her character. And you will probably not understand why he or she had the affair.
The reason is simple: You have stuck to your marital vows, you have proven that you do not have a hole in your character, and therefore you will not be able to understand the actions of someone who does.
The good news is that you don’t have to understand why your spouse cheated in order to repair your marriage.
In fact, spending too much time wondering about “why cheaters cheat” is probably not the best way to start rebuilding your marriage.
Instead, I suggest you focus on doing what you need to do to make your relationship better than ever.
That might include:
. Turning inward and working to overcome your own emotions
about the affair. This would include getting over images
that may still haunt you.
. Working on your communication skills so you can learn to listen
to your partner and say what you have to say in more effective
ways.
. Discussing the problems in your marriage that preceded the affair.
. Overcoming the jealousy and anger you are feeling right now.
. Learning how to rebuild trust.
. Moving toward acceptance and forgiveness when you are ready.
. Building fences to protect your marriage from future problems
. Having fun with your spouse again.
In addition, the cheater will need to repair the leak in his character and recommit to the marriage. This will include:
. Understanding how you brought yourself to the point
where you could cross the boundary of decorum-
it’s usually a slippery slope and you have to be hypersensitive
to the earliest steps in order to prevent the progression from occurring.
. Improving your communication skills so you can listen to
your spouse’s pain and communicate as clearly as you can
about your marriage.
. Making a full and complete apology for your actions, the first
step of which is accepting full responsibility for them.
. Learning how to be transparent.
. Creating an environment where love and trust can blossom again.
In short, what you want to do is focus your energy on making your marriage better than it was before the affair. After all, if you get your marriage in the best possible shape it can be, you make it more unlikely that another affair will happen in the future.
I suggest you turn all of the energy you have been spending trying to figure out why your spouse cheated on you toward healing yourself and repairing your marriage.
You will find it is a much more effective way to spend your time.
Let me know how it goes with you. I’d love to hear about your marriage. Post a comment to this blog by clicking the comment button below.
As always, I wish you all the best on your road to a wonderful marriage.
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.
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This is a new year and hope all the couples out there can keep moving forward. Counseling is the key to survival. The cheater has to be fixed. Not the devastated spouse. Only then can there be healing. Its been 9 months since I found out about my wifes affair. I can never truly understand. My wife says she will make it up to me for the rest of our lives. We have been together 20 years. I was a wreck when I first found out but after some time to calm down and counseling I forgave her. I never stopped loving her even though she broke my heart. I feel we had to go to counseling for some type of closure. We were on the brink of divorce but have been working it out.
[...] may feel as if your life imploded when you learned that your spouse cheated—or may still be carrying on an affair. The news rocked your feelings of stability and safety in [...]
anonymous, you are evil, you have destroyed families, children, marriages. if you are married and sleep with men that you know are married, then you are a whore. there is no redemption for the pain and suffering that you have caused. if you want to do something positive with yourself. call the wife and apologize. HOMEWRECKERS!!!
hi i just found out that my husband of 12 years has been having an affair. i.ve been asking him about it for some time now but he always lied and had great excuses. it was going on for more than a year while we had many arguments about the same woman. he didn’t tell me i found out on my own. now he says its over but he works with this woman everyday. i just don’t know what to do
A response to all the readers out there. There are a lot of similarities on my situation to alot of yours. I have been married for 35 years together 39. My husband went through some emptiness syndrome stuff as he says like I wasn’t going through the same thing. But, started seeing someone at work as most affairs start. But, this affair went on for about 13 months before I found out. It supposibly stopped for the past 3 years and all of a sudden was seen with the OW again. So, I am wondering did this affair ever stop when he said it did or did it continue all this time. I am just so hurt. We were child hood sweat hearts and thought we were together for ever. We have 5 grown kids that were just getting over me taking him back the first time and now it has been found out they were seeing each other again or have been. It is just so devestating on me and my kids. I am like in the middle, my grown kids are so furious with him, they tell me it is ultimatley my decision but they don’t want anything to do with him at this time. We are seperated right now. I just couldn’t take the second time around. He said he wanted to be with her, but, now says he stopped the affair this time and hasn’t talked to her or see her. I just don’t believe him. I can’t believe him at this point. The affair on or off has been so long that there must have been some feelings somewhere. It wasn’t just an emotional affair, it was sextual as well. So, am I to believe it totally stopped this time. Not hardly, so, I am a bad place right now. I am hurt, discusted, anger and furious. This affair has caused my kids and family so much un deserved pain. So, I just need some advise as what to do at this point. I told him I need my space to think this stuff through. I already took him back once a few years ago and now this time. I actually saw them together. So, yes, that sighting is in my head. I tell you, when I cought them, I threatened to kick her big ass. But, going to jail would only threaten my good job and she and he wasn’t worth all that. I still love him and have told him that. But, just don’t think I am In love with him. I am so confused right now and hurt. He also verbally abuses me, has in the past and continues to now. Then I think to myself, do I really deserve this abuse and pain. I am confused like the other victims in this type of situation. Looking at the OW, I am also wondering why he was drawn to her. But, when a husband drinks and smokes all the time and all night. There isn’t much togetherness there or even comfort of wanting to be with that person. The OW gets the sobber nice, sweat person. When at home, I get the abusive, verbal, drunk. So, after typing all this stuff, I am almost convinced having my space is doing me some most need good. I actually like my space. His family has told me I was like their sister, daughter since I have been in their family so long. Alomst 40 years. So, any suggestions?
When a cheater does not acknowledge the wrong they have done and act as if nothing happened expecting the marriage or relationship to just continue I don’t believe they are going to correct this bad behavior. I found out about the affairs and cheating the man I was with did and even when forgiving the 1st affair he would not acknowledge he did wrong with his cheating chasing ways. Even when forgiving the 1st affair and trying to work on the relationship was hard to get close to him, at a later point when he deliberately chased the very young daughter of an ex and the 19 yr old niece of another ex-girlfriend and not only became intimate with the both of them but got involved in a relationship with the 19 yr old niece. All this while we were involved as well. I was so disgusted that a 60yr man who claims to be a christian and an Engineer who sleep with and get into a relationship with a 19 yr old promiscuous unskilled, uneducated, used her body to get men money to support herself because she has no skills to speak of would give up a woman of quality, skilled, educated, and high quality of character to be with such trash. How can any woman of quality want to be close to a man (husband or otherwise) who chose young little girls over a woman. Yes “Lack of character” hits is right on the nose about this issue.
Are we supposed to feel sorry for you the homewrecker, oh poor you having sex with someone elses husband without any consideration for anyone but yourself and your impulses. What goes around comes around and i hope his wifes name is written all over it when it happens!!
My husband cheated on me with someone that was like a daughter to me. He actually ran away from home with no notice, but came back after 2 months with her. I feel angry,hurt etc. and find the biggest problem is trusting him. I believe I will heal if he is totally honest with me, however, he feels “it’s in the past” and doesn’t want to talk to me about any of it, just forget it and pretend it didn’t happen.
I think in lots of ways I am reacting like your husband, but what I want to hear from my husband are things like: “I’m sorry you feel that way, honey. I love you. Everything will be alright. It’s not your fault. Please forgive me.” I think if he could bring himself to comfort me and shower me with affection even when I am spouting off, I would feel relief, but when he gets annoyed that I feel that way or says “I’m not doing anything wrong” it feels like he doesn’t care about my emotions. I was not the one who broke our marriage vows. I am willing to work hard to make our marriage work, but I think he needs to work harder. I feel fragile and unsure of myself where before I had total confidence in our marriage and in him. Hope this helps and many blessings to you both.
I have been in my marriage for 25 years and my husband has cheated several times. My daughter and I left for about a year and a half and had to come back due to financial difficulties. When we came back home I told him that our daughter and I needed somewhere to live until we could get back on our feet and he gladly let us move back in. I told him that the marriage was over and he said okay. Then he started wanting to try again. Reluctantly I said yes and then it started all over again but this time he began being abusive. My daughter called the cops on him and he went to jail for a few days. My daughter and I pressed charges and he was faced with maybe going to prison. My daughter and I told the defense attorney that we wanted him to get help so they gave him an alternative to either go to prison or go to attend anger management classes. The classes actually worked for him and it has been nearly 3 years since we have had a major argument. I know that he had a rough childhood but it is a person’s choice to do what they do. I have come to the decision that when a person cheats, it’s about selfishness and greed. What he did to me affected our children, in-laws and friends. It has a domino effect. Not just one person is affected. So if anyone reading this ever think about having an affair behind their spouse’s back in the future, just think about the consequences and if you are up to the humiliation that not only you will put your spouse through but what you will recieve in return. Karma is real!!!!
You say that as the mistress he hut you as well. The difference is you had a choice and therefore deserve everything you get. I only hope that he didn’t catch anything from you and pass it on to his wife.
I cheated on my husband for 6 months with a family friend that i spent time with, not ever imagining we would fall for one another. Unfortunately we did and it lead to the affair. It ended when i confessed to my husband 9 months ago. He wants to forgive me so we have stayed together. My husband wanted to know everything about it including very intimate details. We both want our marriage to work but my husband is so very angry. He shouts and swears at me regularly. He crudely belittles me with the details of what i have done. I know i deserve this due to my awful infidelity. Has anyone else faced this? Will we be able to work this out? Will my husband be able to control his emotions in time? Will I have to continue living in dread of him arriving home each day, wondering what mood he will be in? I want to be able to move forward. So does he. I don`t want constant reminders of the details of the affair and having thoughts of my paramour put in my head daily when i`m trying to get over him. I want a happy marriage. This programme has given me confidence that it could happen. Has anyone else any ideas about this situation?
My husband of 11 years has had several emotional affairs and then became involved with my former sister in law. It began as friendship but progressed to sex. He was sorry, we tried again having just purchased a home and things got a little better. After a couple of years she was showing up at family events and my husband felt I needed to let the past go and move on since she was still family….I tried this and was rewarded with another painful rejection from my own husband. I have left to clear my mind for 2 weeks, he has been upset, said he[s sorry but last time we tried counseling he refused to admit having done anything wrong and I actually saw him doing it! I am not sure why I think we should work on it. It seems that I do the work, he isn rejected and then after time smooths things over we find the same situation all over again. We have no children.
I am going through the same thing as you. Most of what you say is exactly my case; however, we were married for 32 years. I never ever thought he was that type of person. I thought he would leave if he was that unhappy. He told me over and over whenever we got into a fight that maybe we should both go our own ways. Now I know he was involved with her then, but still he never left, only made threats.
When I found out, I told my adult children I was going to leave. But when I confronted him, he denied at first but ultimately confessed. I was so devastated. When he said he never loved her, only had feelings, but always loved me and never thought of leaving, I couldn’t understand.
Now that we are in counseling and I’ve done a lot of reading, I realize that our marriage had been broken pretty much from the beginning. He was the verbal abuser and I was the avoider and let him abuse me. I had come from a home where my dad was verbally abusive. I had told myself I could take that, but not adultery. What was really going on was that we never could resolve conflict. It was always his way. He never validated my opinion. We were stuck in that mode and was never able to move to deep love. The respect was not there. So the affair happened because there was conflict with me (even though it was his anger that made him think there was conflict), conflict with his job (he’s in management and didn’t feel validated by his superiors) and conflict with our adult children (they had their own way of doing things). The other woman he met through a working relationship (he worked 50 miles away) and was also married and not a threat to our marriage. So with her there was absolutely no conflict. It was like an escape for him.
We are in counseling and he is working on his anger and realizes he has treated me horribly for most of our marriage and truly desires to love me as I deserve to be loved. I believe him when he says he will do whatever it takes to earn my trust back and make our marriage right. I can now understand why it happened; however, he was 100% responsible because he made the decision to do it. It’s still a struggle to forget. In my head I’ve forgiven because I understand it, but my heart will take time. Like any other hurt and pain, I think it’s just a matter of time. For me every day is getting easier. That’s not to say I don’t think about it now and then, but it’s not as often.
Dude, I feel you, my wife did the same thing to me, I never saw it coming. I to found a cell phone bill and never looked at the bills, but now that she’s gone I’m finding all kinds of stuff. Once I found that bill I started calling all the numbers and found that she was acting like a 22 year old telling people that we were divorced before she ever told me there was even a problem. I wanted her to just tell me the truth and time and time again she would lie, I wanted her to feel the same kind of pain and shame that she caused me, so I called all the numbers I could from the bills I had and told all the guy’s that she was still married and we were never and she was a cheater, after doing that I really didn’t feel any better. I still hurt a lot, after 18 years it’s hard. Hang in there.
I don’t know why my husband cheated. He cheated in June 2005. That’s the only thing I know for sure. However, I found the evidence while moving during Thanksgiving.
All he will say about it is “I didn’t think you cared”. He said after “the act” was over, he couldn’t leave soon enough. He said he cried all the way home, Took a shower, cried some more then spent the next three years trying to be the best husband he could (while lying and denying it happened).
We have been married 35 years, but really 39 years if you count the 4 years we dated in high school.
I have been betrayed, crushed, humiliated, and some days I wish I could die. I wish God would take me home because I’m no good here.
As a Christian, I’m sure God has a plan in this, but I cannot imagine what.
My therapist discourages me asking questions.
She says I can know:
Who (a coworker, now deceased)
What (too graphic for here)
When (one occasion? in June 2005)
Where (cheap hotel near a favorite vacation spot. I’ll never go there again)
Why (he cannot answer that to my satisfaction)
I cheated on my husband.
I was flawed in both judgement and rationale. My “reasons” for doing what I did make no sense now, though they did at the time. I am disgusted by my own behavior, and have since taken many steps to fix myself.
The first realization I had – HE was not the one with the problem. I was.
I realized I needed to fix ME in order to be the spouse my marriage vows promised I would be. I immediately began individual therapy, marriage counseling, exercising (I know, it sounds odd, but it helps), and adopted a policy of truth.
I take every opportunity to talk about the affair with my husband if he wants to. I answer any and all questions he has. I listen if he needs to talk. I do not shut the conversation down, I cannot afford to cause any emotional disconnect between us.
I give him space when he needs it, and affection when he wants it. I am also clear about my needs. I do not hide anything from him anymore – not even how much I spent at the grocery store.
I hear people say “Once a cheater, always a cheater”, I know, I used to say it too. Well – the statement is true, but not for the reasons you may think.
It is true that I will always remember what I have done, how much I hurt my husband. How much I hurt myself, and damamged all that I hold dear. I do not ever want to forget that. It keeps me honest.
I am now a more complete person, a better wife, and a person who can honestly say I am incapable of that behavior. I will never cheat on my husband again.
I believe a cheater can repent and even gain redemption through consistent positive action. I believe people make mistakes. I believe if two people decide to try and work it out, those two people have a chance.
1 year ago I got an email from my husband’s cheating partner’s husband informing me that he had recently discovered their affair. This message from my husband’s lover’s husband came with attachments: drama drenched emails from my husband to the other woman proclaiming his forever love, his desire to make her happy, his longing to be in her arms, his thinking about her every minute. It also came with a voice recording of a phone message my husband had left for the other woman claiming that he loved her and missed her, he loved her body and please would she give him a call, anytime. My husband’s lover’s husband also sent along his wife’s phone bill which showed that my husband and his wife had been talking on the phone incessantly for months. When I compared the dates of the phone calls and emails to my own calendar, it became clear that my husband was carrying on with this other woman on the phone and via email in front of my face, daily. He’d simply step outside for a call, or be on his computer while me and the kids were in the house. He also had been stopping to meet her in cafes and parks so they could make out and then he’d come home and happily eat dinner with me and the kids. It was easy for him because I had total trust in him and never questioned anything he did.
He claims that he never stopped loving me and never ever thought of leaving me. It’s crazy making! What I don’t understand is why or how? How can a decent man behave in this way? How can a decent man treat the person he loves in this way?
We had been together for 15 years, have 2 beautiful daughters, and I thought we were soul mates, deeply bonded for life. I trusted him to the core. He was mine and I was his without question. The news of his betrayal has so shaken my foundation that I am left wondering if I will ever be able to look at him with respect and love again. I believe he is doing everything right. He has ended his affair, has apologized to no end, shows deep remorse and shame, claims he loves me and only me, claims he never really loved his secret lover at all. He is doing more around the house and showing more consideration for me. He has opened his email and cell phone to me. I recognize and appreciate his efforts.
I understand in my head when I read that it’s better to focus on making the relationship the best it can be rather than to focus on how or why my husband cheated. I just can’t seem to shake these questions of why and how he could do it because I still don’t fully understand –I don’t have an explanation that makes sense. I’m afraid that there is no explanation that I would truly understand.
I want to be able to move on, but I still feel so shaken to the core. It’s hard to trust him and really let down my guard with him because I don’t want to be devastated again. It’s been a year now and I still don’t feel emotionally safe with my husband. I am still not able to enjoy his touch because it brings on horrible images in my head of him being physical with the other woman. Even when he tries to be tender with me, it stings because I hear the same soft quality in his voice that he used with the other woman. He called her the same pet names he called me for 15 years prior and so now, I cannot stand for him to use those names on me, even when they’re spoken sincerely.
What to do? I want to move on, but something deep inside me is holding me back. Does anyone have any suggestions for how to learn to look forward and not back? how to move on and let go of the confusing past?
I hope that I can be of some assistance as your story seems somewhat similar to mine. I found out about my husbands affair two years ago. I believe that recovering from the trauma of betrayal especially by the one you hold most dear is a particular form of crisis that, unless you have gone through it yourself, you will just not fully grasp or understand how consuming it is and how badly it makes the betrayed spouse feel in the most personal of ways. It seems that there is a definite series of stages that an injured spouse passes through from: denial, anguish, rage, sorrow, self blame, introspection, loss of self esteem, physical illness, depression, obsession about the affair, imagining and “seeing” moments between your spouse and his lover. And, I still ask when this will feel better. When will this be over and my life will be normal again even though I’m beginning to know that it will not be “over” and this is the new normal that my life will be from now on.
What is changing is that I’m somehow accepting this “normal” inspite of the hurt and pain and in subtle ways with patience and love, life is good. We are more invovled with working on the present while mindful of the past. We discuss endlessly and run into blind turns about the affair but our talks are less emotional, less desperate. I know that I cannot have what I want most dearly in the world: for this to have never happened. Somehow, the spirit learns to rise above and fly again. Give yourself lots of time. Rest your body be mindful of your own needs especially your health. Keep talking with your husband and smile. You are not alone.
Be well
It’s exactly one year ago today that my husband of 17 years slept with my friend and neighbor for the first of three times. The affair lasted two months and he claims it was mainly physical, although I am sure that was not the case for her. She apparently had her eye on him for the three years we’ve lived in town.
I am struggling so much with moving on from this. He is deeply sorry and has taken responsibility for his mistake. I have not yet forgiven him at this point. We have been seeing a marriage counselor since I found out 10 months ago (her husband came to my house to tell me). But, I still feel like I may not be able to get past this. I am so disappointed in him, and I don’t have the respect for him that I think a wife should have for her husband. I view his “leak” in character as such a weakness. He feels like he has come a long way thus far but I don’t necessarily see it or feel it. He may feel better about himself, which I fear could even be the result of having the affair and feeling “manly” and worthy of someone else’s desire, but I don’t see the improvement he claims resonating through to me or our marriage necessarily.
I am tempted to give myself a timeframe within which I should make a decision about our future. Please comment if anyone has something helpful to offer. Thank you!
When we had been married five years, my wife became a Christian. During a time of prayer together she confessed to being unfaithful. I was devastated. I had no clue, had trusted her without question and was completely shocked by what she revealed. I was still on the “honeymoon” while she’d been out sleeping around town. She had been unfaithful with at least seven men that she could name and others that she couldn’t. One man in particular, who she had worked for, had been a long standing paramour of several years. I accepted her confession, forgave her as we were growing together in our new faith. I made the decision to go to each of these seven men and confronted them to let them know that I knew of their adultery (all of them were married men) and that I had forgiven them and my wife. Most of them have subsequently been divorced. That effort allowed us to move on and through counseling; grief and tears heal our relationship over a period of several years. We were active in our church and a variety of Christian ministries in our community. We were childless at that point, but subsequently were blessed with six children that have been the joy of our lives together. The business that I was in the process of starting when the affairs were revealed has grown into a multi-million dollar business that has supported us well, even allowing her to go back to college when our youngest child was born and eventually earn a graduate degree. Over the years both she and I have dealt with bouts of depression that have had their root in these affairs and the damage that they have done emotionally and psychologically.
I thought that was the end of the story, but 33 years into our marriage, she confessed to me that she’d had another adulterous affair with a man I thought was my best friend. The adultery went on for 3 years and I was told about it 3 years after it ended and this couple had slipped out of our lives in unexplained silence. The irony of the confession couldn’t have been stronger—the affair went on while the she was in graduate school and our family was bending over back-wards to accommodate her hectic schedule to earn an advanced degree in Christian counseling. According to my wife, he had “perused her”.
It took some doing for me, but I think I finally got through to her that IF none of the men she had ever slept with forced her to do so (and she admitted that they had not raped her), that she had in-fact, seduced them. Men are virtually helpless to say no in those circumstances, with VERY rare exception. It’s 18 months later, and through months of counseling and reading Dr. Gunzburg’s materials, I am still in my marriage, as insane as that may sound. She has what Dr. Gunzburg calls “leaky character”, an endless need for affirmation physically, sexually, emotionally and physiologically. The most difficult part of this for me continues to be the plaguing question of “why?”. She had it all, including my faithful and endless encouragement and a loving family that puts up with her narssistic personality. I feel guilty for the men, relationships and families that she has had a part in destroying. This week we’re to celebrate our 35th anniversary. It’s difficult for me to plan a celebration and not be able to share the more recent revelations of adultery with any of my close friends, knowing how it would hurt, or even frighten them. To realize that for 1/3 of our married life she was either involved in a multitude of affairs or covering up the truth, is frankly depressing. I often hear people say “how painful it is to go through a divorce,” and while I don’t disagree, I can’t help buy say or at least think to myself, “staying married isn’t without it’s pain and anguish.”
I appreciate much of what you’ve shared, but your words that really hit home for me are the two sentences: “The truth of the matter is, I became a better person as a result. It’s hard to explain but, I feel for the first time in my life that I don’t need her to be happy.” I will stay married, because I am a person that is faithful to my vows and my wife, regardless of her actions. I will enjoy the family that I’ve been blessed with as a result of this imperfect, sinful world that you and I live in, and I won’t expect them to always please me with their actions either. I don’t expect perfect behavior from imperfect people and I realize that I can only take responsibility for my own actions. This is a fallen world filled with fallen people, and boy am I excited about heaven as so clearly described in the Bible. Between now and then, what it is, is what it is.
I completely understand how you feel. I was told from counseling even if he told the details, do you believe it.
You are obviously the better person. I have been asking the same question since I found out about my wife’s affair a little over two years ago. How she got caught isn’t really the issue here but when I confronted her, she finally spilled the beans. It turned out that she had another affair five years back with one of our employees at the time. She was also constantly shopping for a relationships with other people. The sad thing is that I had to pull it out of her on the initial confrontation. I wanted to know why because I needed to know what was wrong with me. Why did she sleep with others when she told me she loved me al the time? even when she was about to sleep with this guy. I wanted to know why because the pain was so great that I started to doubt my manhood. But again we had no problems with intimacy for all of our 10 years of marriage. It’s been two years now and the pain gets diluted little by little. The feeling of betrayal has not left me yet, I wonder if it ever will. The truth of the matter is, I became a better person as a result. It’s hard to explain but, I feel for the first time in my life that I don’t need her to be happy. In fact, I don’t need anyone to make me happy. What she did and why she did it was a result of her issues. She needs to work that out herself. You and I have many things in common. We are both responsible family people. We took our sacred vows seriously “In sickness and in health” but to be real, we have to look after ourselves. I don’t think I will ever forgive her because I know she is not remorseful about what had happened. She tells stories of her state of mind at the time and how unhappy she was. At first I started to blame myself. I started to go through my life with her since we met. I started to question my business ambitions. I imagined her with him having sex. But I know now that she had issues with self esteem. She sought out people that constantly told her what a great person she is and she took that as maybe this person will make me happy. She wanted to be told what a great person she is all of the time even when she was screwing up our business finances. That was a game I could not participate in. Sure she tells me she is remorseful about the pain she caused me but words are not enough. Her actions should prove that. I am saying this because the only time she talkls about what happened is when I ask. You see, this was a great growth opportunity for me. I learned through the pain that everything happens of its own accord, I needed to learn, I needed a lesson in how to take care of myself and stop trying to make other people happy. I needed to learn about compassion for others. I needed to slow down and enjoy this life and all it had to offer. As a Mr. Fix it, I’ve been helping people all my life and neglected to help myself. You have only one life to live and you owe it to yourself to live it the way you want to with her or with out her but remember that dwelling on pain for too long is not healthy. You might not get your answer and frankly even if you did, it will not make any difference. You were betrayed by a person that you love. This has got to be the most difficult, it is for me.
Joy and happiness are yours for the taking. Just like they say “the only way to joy is through suffering” go ahead and shine that bright light on your sad experience and let it be transformed into understanding and love. Love for yourself and all things coming your way.
As far as I am concerned, you as the mistress have no right to invade this blog with your comments considering you participated in destroying a family’s security and well being. Yes I’m still angry about my husbands affair. You didn’t stop and think about just how many people you would be hurting. Hope you learned a lesson and don’t do this again to another family. Tell the cheater NO especially if you know he is married!!! Have respect for the institution of marriage because one day you will be married; therefore, put yourself in the wives shoes and see how you would feel!!
I, like you, want to forget the details. I have too many of them. After 9.5 yrs of marraige my husband cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend while I was pregnant with our daughter. He told me about it 5 days after her birth. This was over 1 yr & 3 mos ago and I still struggle with the thoughts, visions and all the emotional upheaval this has caused. I still do not trust him; yet he has been trying his hardest to prove to me that he loves me and wants this family. We also have an 8yr old son. I have not gotten to the point of forgiveness yet. I keep asking myself & God why I cannot not get to that point. Some days are harder than others.
His cheating started out with phone calls then a lunch just after Thanksgiving. That Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years & Valentines Day are all tainted by his cheating. He spent a weekend with her in January & says he ended it in February/March. Yet he was still taking her calls because my son’s friend had a bday party we went to and she showed up at this public place we were at. He had told her we were going to be there. He talked to her the next day and he says he cussed her out for showing up and it better not happen again. Then after our daughter was born, she emailed him to find out if he had told me yet about the affair. He told her we were working things out. Again, another betrayal that he would even respond to her email at all.
I have been struggling with the feelings & thoughts of maybe if I cheat on him, it would make me feel better. But unlike my husband, I do not have a leaky character; therefore, unable to bring myself to do that to him. I love him and want to forgive but I’m struggling with that. The thoughts & visions do get better over time but there are reminders of his cheating thrown in my face everyday. Either by what I see, hear on tv or even when out & about. Every time I see the make of the car she drives (yes I know what she drives), it only reminds me of his cheating.
I try to always replace the bad thoughts/visions with the good ones and remind myself that he told her that he loves me and not her. I keep reminding myself that he cried and told me if he didn’t have me and the kids then he has nothing. Just hope I can get to the forgiveness point in the future. Nothing will take away the thoughts/visions. They will only subside over time and not be as frequent. I know the pain and anger, devestation and hopelessness that is felt. I’m still feeling it. But I still go on each day trying my best to make things work. I don’t always let him know when I’ve had a bad day, but when I do, he encourages me to not give up. Hold your head up and stay true to your own character rather than stoop to the level of a leaky character that our husbands had.
Thinking of you.
D
All of this sounds all too familiar! I have been dealing with my issues for 3 years. On July 11, 2005 my husband told me he had an affair with a woman that he worked with. He told me because her husband had found out and he was going to come and tell me. I too had welcomed this woman into my home. The first year was hell with vivid images in my mind that I couldn’t get passed. I did forgive him and things actually got better. This was short-lived. He is now saying that he is unhappy and depressed. He doesn’t know what he wants to do and he has distanced himself from me. He has all the classic symptoms of male depression and it is tearing me apart. In fact, I wake up in the middle of the night and have to leave the room. I find myself just crying. I am fearful that this woman is trying to get back in his life. I also feel so out of control and the pain is just terrible. Any help, advice or just a response if very much welcomed.
I found out my wife cheated on me,I found out by she acidently left the cell phone bill in the car,I never payed any attention to the bill before,but some reason I looked at it,and this same number kept popping up,so I called it and this man answered,and told me I had the wrong number,but I knew I had the right number,I called her she did’nt answer,because he was calling her to tell her I had found out about them,She tried to lie about it and tell me they were just friends,but I knew after over hundred of calls ,and christmas,and new years after midnite to wish him happy new year,it was more than friends,and she finally amitted it.I feel the same,sometimes I think of having an affair too so maybe i’ll feel better,if I let her feel what I felt.I wonder where she goes when she leaves the house.or who she talks to on the phone,She even had text added to our phone plan,just so I would know when she was talking to him.I remember now when her phone would ring,and the kids would go to answer it,she would stop them,and say something like it was one of her friends and did’nt want to talk to her then,but now I know the real reason.I’m’ tring to get over the pain,and try to trust her,but she don’nt want to talk about anything,she just wants me to sweep it under the rug.she keeps saying thats in the pass,but It still happen,I found out 5 months ago.
Your situation is VERY similar to mine, only the woman in question passed herself off as a “friend” to get access to my husband. Their affair went on for 3 years as well, and if you want to discuss STOOPID!: They would attend high school games together and I would send them off with my blessings and often times would give my husband money for longer trips and “HIS” hotel rooms!!Basically, idiot that I am, I financed his affair!!!! Her husband eventually caught them and I forgave my husband and took him back, only to find out that they were continuing their liason, setting up meetings around our small valley via a pre-paid cell phone she bought for him, which, just by the grace of God I found! The one happy spot in all of this is that I used nearly $30 of HER money by using the remainder of minutes on the phone! The entire story is TOO incredible and too long, but I also found prepaid calling cards that he had purchased so the calls wouldn’t show up anywhere. FOUR times I have taken this bastard back and TRIED to forgive him, but I have since filed a temporary restraining order against him for injuries sustained in the course of confiscating his 2nd phone and in trying to discuss this whole issue with him!Divorce papers are also on the table,but I haven’t followed thru with those for one very simple reason: When SHE found out I was getting ready to put in for a divorce, a co-worker in her office just happened to mention to a friend of mine that “Susan was walking on air!” So I stopped the divorce action just to yank the rug out from under her!!! She has called my house a couple of times which just sends me into orbit because I keep telling my husband that obviously he STILL hasn’t given her the “heave-ho” since she feels that she can STILL invade my life!!! There is MUCH more to all this but I’ve gone on long enough…..prayer DOES work: It’s how I found one of the phones and BOTH of the calling cards!! Good luck and blessings on you!!!!!
My husband and I went to marriage counselling for almost 18 months. Hind site is always 20/20 and I can see now that, at least I wasn’t in a place for the counselling to be effective for me and our relationship. My opinion and thoughts are that my husband, in all that time, thought that it was too hard to put the effort in. And in the few times that I recognised that he had made an effort, I wasn’t accepting of the effort. My husband walked out of our marriage 1 week after our 16th wedding anniversary. We were intimate 2 weeks before. I asked him at the time that he left, was there another woman and he was emphatic that there wasn’t. 1 week ago I found out that he has been very intimate with another woman and has been from at least 10 weeks after we separated. I have my suspicions that, over the time that we were in counselling that he was more focused on imagining a life with her than trying to save our relationship. My morals and values, which were the same as his all through our time together (at least that is what he indicated), highlights to me that to leave a long term relationship (20 years in total) and jump into another bed within 10 weeks of separation is an indication that his affair has been building for far longer than he will admit. My husband, and his new girlfriend have justified their behaviour with the old line “We are separated”. In my eyes, and in my belief, I am still married to my husband until the day I die or the day he divorces. I have done so much soul searching and have been through so much self discovery that I believe I am a far better woman and mother as a result of our separation. And I believe in my heart that I can be a far better wife too. With the discovery of the ‘other woman’ I was privy to 120 text messages from my husband to her, professing his deep lust and attraction to her and enjoyment of her body. This was done so in the most disgusting and degrading form that I am shocked in the words, the thoughts and conotations expressed by my husband. His behaviour (text and phrases) is in complete contrast to the man that I married. I am intuitive enough to realise that, whilst he does not recognise his behaviour and actions will rebound back on him, that they will in the future. I can imagine forgiving him for anything that he might have said or done in the past and even anything that is yet to come at me, to hurt me, intentionally or not. I can do that because I love him. To me, love is forgiveness. I know that my character is strong and true and has not gotten lost in the past going’s on. But what i struggle with the most is being told that I am in denial by my husband, being told that he does not love me, being told that my love & forgiveness means nothing to him and being told that our children’s pain and anguish is just something that ‘has to happen’ because he cannot envisage our family together again. When I hear that from him I do see the hole in is character, I mourn for the loving kind man that I married, and I hope and pray that he has some kind of intervention in his life that stops him in his tracks and allows him to consider the consequences of his actions and to weigh up and value what we do have. For him to think he hasn’t done anything to be forgiven for is very sad for him – not for me.
My husband of 22 years has been addicted to porn for at least 10 years, the past 5 has gotten worse but secretly. I’ve begged him for years to please stop looking at the porn,I told him it was degrading to women and disrepectful to me. He told me he would but 4 months ago I got into his email and found pages and pages and pages of porn, then I noticed he had sent some of it to another email address and I got into that one. . . I was so shocked and sick and in disbelief with what I found, the one person I have trusted, the man that I have been with since I’m 16 years old, 28 years of my life, was having a disgusting, skanky affair. The emails I read, not even someones worst enemy should have to read them. It said things like how hot it was when he came in her throat and how their sex was getting hotter and hornier every week, and there’s so, so much more that I’m pretty sure I can’t put on here. We have been going for cousiling, my husband is trying so very hard, he has become a changed man but my problem is that I can’t get those emails out of my head no matter how hard I try and my trust level is at zero…I don’t know how I can ever trust someone again that was my world and I trusted him with it just to have it all torn away because of his selfishness, his addiction to porn that eventually lead him to want the kind of sex he saw on the internet. I hope this is making sense, it makes me sick to talk about it. If anyone can help me how to cope, or how to get past this, I would be so grateful. I love my husband but if I can’t get rid of these images, how is my marriage ever going to have a chance.
Cheryl
All of this sounds so familiar! My husband cheated with another woman on his job. I don’t know how long it actually went on…he was always home with me, I had no clue…until I was invited to a function with some of his co-workers. At this function, he sat me right beside his mistress, as a matter of fact I sat in between of him and “her”!!!Yeah, how stupid does that make you feel? I found out about the affair shortly after…I caught him with her at a bar. I decided to try and forgive him…its been a “living HELL” for 3 long years.I have tried to rebuild trust but I really don’t feel like I’ve gotten very far. It’s a battle every day. I don’t think I will ever get over what has happened!!! Please pray for me…As I will for all of you…
I just wanted you to know that I know exactly how you feel. I have thought and felt the very same things. I have often thought that it would help me just to know that someone else understands. I wish I could erase the pain. God bless everyone going through this!
I was married for 20 years when my husband cheated on me with a close friend of ours. I always believed my husband loved me and people who know us think he worships me. We are trying to work things out but there are so many times when I wonder if I will ever get past the anger and hurt. I trusted him completely for 20 years he was faithful and loving. It’s hard to come face to face with the hole in your husband character after that much time and commitment. What are the things that really help you to focus on the good and forget the bad? My husband is really trying!
My HUSBAND ALSO CHEATED ON ME AFTER 36 YEARS OF MARRIAGE. I found out in a very traumatic way, when I RECEIVED A PHONE CALl in the middle of the night, from the daughter of the woman he cheated with. She told me she had found them naked in bed together, and wanted me to know.(sHE FOUND his phone, and dialled my home).he got out of bed with her, and spoke to me(in shock), REALLY REMORSEFUL). He had been working away from home for 3 months, and had developed a friendship with her, which turned into something more, when his time working there was nearly at an end. Since then, I have been haunted by repeating thoughts and images(he has told me all the details, says he is terribly sorry and how much he loves me!)
Now, our relationship is more loving and we no longer take each other for granted–I still havent go over it but hope and pray that time will heal. We had been drifting apart, but found out that we really love each other. Still, there is still a small part of me that wont completely forgive and I NOW never want to be so emotionally dependant on him again and am turning more towards my girlfriends.
I read your blog on your being the mistress..I have been tempted many times to email the woman who had the affair with my husband and wondered if I would get any closure to the affair, or would it just make it worse. I have to ask you, why?? If you knew he was married, as my husband was, why didn’t you walk away..You must have known he would go back to his wife and family. But the devastation that this affair has caused is unbelievable. Its been 6 months and I know I’ll always have to live with this as does my 27 year old son, who found out after he heard me crying. He was very angry with his dad and asked me that I not tell his 3 sisters about it. I have told no one , not even my family or sisters, or friends. My husband has been in counseling for the last 6 months. The women my husband had an affair with was divorced with a pre teen daughter. You now get to walk away from this, but my family will always hurt.
Wake up and smell the roses quick. Getting rid of him will be sweet to all of your senses. He is an inconsiderate cheat and a liar.
My husband cheated on me and initially denied it so many times. Fianlly because of my reactions and digging to get answers, he finally confessed that he had the affair. He agrees to a reconcialation, but refuses to divulge the details of the affair. I am not looking for details of what happened, but wanted to know how long it lasted, how deep were the feelings, what did he expect from the affair, etc to determine the hole in his character and to really use the affair to get back to a level of complete transparency. He is adamant that I know all I need to know which is that he had the affair, why he had the affair, that the affair is over and that he wants to work on the marriage and that I should leave it in the past and work on moving forward. i don’t understand why he won’t come clean and can’t help feeling that there is something very bad about the affair otherwise why wouldn’t he tell me. Can one repair a marriage by burying the details of the affair?
This blog helps me as the person that the spouse cheated with. My affair with him lasted 14 months. Really don’t know why I kept it going that long…anyway. When his wife found out about our affair she was angry with me as she should have been. She completely believes her husband as he told her that I chased him and he really never wanted to have an affair. Please, I know he is telling her everything that she wants to hear. I feel so much compassion for her that she is in such a denial. Your articles helped me so much over the last 8months (that’s when the affair ended).
Me, being the mistress in this has made it easier to understand why he commited the adultry. He cheated on his first wife also, that is how he met his second wife.
In the 14 months he always said that he loved his wife but that she was “difficult” and each time we were together he stated that it was making his marriage stronger. What a nut! If that was the case, why did he keep coming back to me. I wasn’t married, was I feeding his ego…..yes to all of these. What he didn’t realize is that all 3 of us had been hurt my his “cheating” My life is on the right track.
After 36 years of marriage my husband chose to have an affair with a friend. I discovered the affair a year ago, when I found them in each others arms, it was devasting. The betrayal after all these years and the fact that I’m over 60 has made it very difficult to recover but with the help of a marriage counselor and reading your columns peace has come and as of today we are still together. Since they were intimate in our home and we go all the places that we use to go together there are lots of reminders. I Also have trouble coming to terms with his “leak in character”, though out our life he was always saying how he was a man of his word and his word was his bond to catch him and then have him blatantly lie was… He has said he is sorry and is doing all he can to make our marriage work. It is lonely as I know he does not have the pain that I have so he isn’t reminded by all the places we go. I am looking forward to the someday when I can look back at this without pain, not sure when that will be.
I have been reading your newsletter now for 10 months, and they truly have helped. I have worked for my 27years ( married for 22) and discovered that he is having an emotional affair with my good friend and coworker. It has been going on for over a year, and when I found out about it ( 10 months ago), I left him and moved 2 hours away. Neither my husband,good friend or her husband feel that there is anything wrong. The large pay increase, the &1700.00 shopping spree, the jewerly, the limo rides to concerts, plays. The extravant dinners with her and the whole family ( husband,2 kids and her mother). I feel so betrayed by my husband and her. Am I the only one that sees this as an emotional affair?
We went to marriage counseling who informed my husband that yes he was having an emotional affair and I needed to get over it as there was other issues in our marriage which was the issue. Unfortunately, he moved to another state and we never found another marriage counselor. This week alone, she has received more jewerly, as I got the thank you note for the 2K purchased…….
I feel like I must be the nutty one, as he says they are just friends……
I believe that my husband has had an emotional affair with a woman that he works with. He has denied it many times. He still continues to ‘lie’ or ‘withold’ information regarding work. This went on for years and is still going on. I am continually finding out more and more things that he has done and chose not to tell me, even after I have asked for total honesty. Many times I have asked that he tell me details. He refuses, skirts around the issue. I believe that if indeed he did not have a physical affair and that if they are just friends, then I need that honesty and information in order to heal from the lies which is really what created the lack of trust in the first place. Why does he hold back the info? That makes it worse–lots of room for doubt and assumptions. Honesty is the best policy.
I have been married for 27 years, and my husband has had two affairs that I know of and many other indiscretions. His self esteem is so low he cannot see what he has right in front of him. He is middle-aged getting heavy and drinking more each day. I am not sure I can or even want to wait until he gets it! I have been a loyal wife and each day I realize I am much more than he deserves and could probably be happier just cutting my loses and moving on.
My wife cheated on me.
We had been happily married (or so I thought ) for 17 years.
We had 3 children, and I had my own business which I was working hard at, to get it off the ground, for a decent income for my wife and family & it took up a lot of my time.
I spent every spare moment with my family, but it wasn,t enough. My wife got a job (school hours) nnand worked every day at a plant nursery.
She was usually alone, the boss was working as a contractor, but he began going home during the day, and a relationship began.
I found out about three months later, and of course we had words. She promised of course that the relationship would end, and I trusted her.
I found out later again that the relationship had never really ended. I don.t know why I did not divorce her at that stage, but I loved her and thought she would wake up to this guy, and see what his motives were, but it never happened.
The relationship continued, with me getting more and more bad tempered, and her lover using the situation to keep her tied to him.
She left me and the children after it had been going on for 3 years. This time I thought, that was enough, so I filed for divorce , moved to another country far away from the memories of that betrayal.
My wife came back to me 2 years later, crying that she had made a mistake, And I foolishly gave in.
Our marriage has now been going for a further 28 years,
and I now have reached the stage of WHY?
I would like to now go back and kill this guy, and wish I had done 30 years ago.
He is now in my mind constantly, and I find myself watching my wife like a hawk.
This is very hard to live with, and I am at a loss to know what to do.
I want to forget the details of why he cheated, but we had problems before that were much worse than the months he cheated & he took a dive into an affair at the most critical time for us. We bought a new house, my son started kindergarten & he cheated during the holidays & I found out on Valentine’s Day. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, our anniversary of when we first met, our son’s birthday & Valentine’s Day will always to me be a memory of when he cheated. I feel like if I cheat on him, I will feel better, but deep down inside my character doesn’t have leaks. I feel like it is now transforming into a fantasy to become a “leaky” character due to the trauma my husband has caused. It has been three months since the affair, but I go back & forth on making it better or finding a new companion. I would never even think to look in another’s direction if it weren’t for his affair.
Such heartbreak. Ouch. Sounds like his cheating could be part and parcel to a drinking problem. Not to excuse his infidelities as this wonderful article discusses, but, if it is the disease of alcoholism, it’s a sickness like cancer that gets worst as the days go by. May I suggest al-anon for you. Lots of information there. They suggest you try 6 different meetings if you can (they all have a different flavor) and that if you think your husband’s problem may be alcohol, that you give it 6 months before you decide (unless you are in a violent situation, then do whatever to protect yourself). You may find the support you need there to help with your decision. May you be blessed with serenity, courage and wisdom!.
If he doesn’t come clean with the details you will never have a good marriage. My husband told me every last detail. It was very painful for us both but it is the only way to heal. I know how many times, how long it lasted, what position they were in, if they had oral sex, how it felt. As long as you stay calm and listen without judging you may get what you want.
I found out a month ago my husband had been having an affair for 3 years. It started just weeks before our wedding. The other woman finally realised he wasn’t going to leave me for her and confessed all via text to his exwife, who forwarded it to me. Although he has answered my questions about their intimacy, he has said very little about her,or why, other than he wanted to end it a year ago , but she kept threatening to tell his exwife (who his 3 teenagers live with). He wants to make a go of the marriage, but was only home for 3 days shortly afterwards, as he is in the navy. He has sent flowers and emails saying he loves me etc, and we have had intimacy over the phone. But I am constanly worrying that I do not satisfy him sexually and that she did, and that when he comes home he will turn to her again. I do not understand why it started as I thought we were happier than we had ever been, or why it continued after the wedding. I try to be positive and look to the future, but cannot stop her coming into my dreams and haunting me. I am frightened to tell him how I feel as I think it might drive him back to her. I have been to councilling but do not find it helpful as it just reopens the wounds.The only thing that has got me thru are your emails outling practical things to do and the order in which I do them.As I have another major operation coming up a few weeks after he comes home I worry he will just be my carer and not be my husband, and by the time I have recovered enough to try and sort things out it will be too late. Now I feel that as I was so forgiving in the beginning it has all been brushed under the carpet and I am left with the insecurites,scars and on going pain.
Affairs have to be the most hurtful thing someone can do to another person. The pain and desperation that it inflicts is at times unbarable. I asked my husband to leave when I found out. I knew something was wrong for about 8 months. My husband treated me differently, keeping me at arms length and being very disrespectful and on two occasions I asked him point blank if he was having an affair. Ofcourse he lied. But finally I had solid proof, an email not deleted. I have been to counciling for myself and I am stronger than ever. My husband is weak and cowardly and I don’t want to be with someone like that. I don’t believe all the excuses as I know as a wife I was not perfect but I was always approachable. I feel sorry for him but will not put myself in that position again with him. I have lots of life and love to give and it will be with someone who deserves and respects it.