You and your spouse may be working at getting over cheating that has occurred in your marriage, but inside you’re wondering: “Can our marriage go back to what it used to be?”
The question you may want to ask instead is, “Do I really want my marriage to go back to what it used to be?”
In this blog, you’ll learn the three ingredients for making your marriage better than it ever was before. Keep reading…
Getting Over Cheating: Don’t Go Backwards
If your marriage was in such great shape to begin with, it’s highly unlikely you would be facing the problems you are dealing with right now. Your spouse ultimately made this awful choice to cheat, but think about it: if your marriage was in such great shakes to begin with, it’s more unlikely that your spouse wouldn’t have done such a thing.
Whatever your marriage was before has led you to where it is today: terribly damaged, and with you in a world of pain. Getting over cheating means you are trying to move forward. If you work to go back to where you were—it would seem you are working backward.
You don’t want your relationship to be the same as it was before the affair. You want it better than ever.
It’s easy to get caught up in romanticizing the past and ignore what it ultimately lead to, which was the devastating affair. You are currently mourning a loss: of your innocence in what your spouse is capable of, your trust, your outlook, and your connection with your spouse, no matter how damaged that may have been prior to the cheating.
But believing that everything would be okay if you just went back to how things were before the affair is a fantasy-one that does not serve you well.
Your focus now should be on how you want things to be in the future, the kind of marriage you want now.
Instead of wishing for what is now gone, you can make your marriage better than it ever was before. You can get to a place where you experience more happiness, more safety, more honesty, and more love than you did prior to the affair.
Make Your Marriage Better than Ever
To boost your marriage to better than ever status, here are the three ingredients to work on:
Ingredient 1: Love
Without love, no marriage thrives, because without it, there is no foundation. It is what makes a deeply connected relationship, so you need to focus on rebuilding the love.
Ingredient 2: Commitment
Both of you have to be committed to each other and to the process of working through the difficulties in your relationship if you’re going to heal it. If only one of you makes this commitment, it will be much harder and perhaps impossible to save your marriage.
Ingredient 3: Hard Work
Getting over cheating and rebuilding a marriage takes diligent attention over an extended period of time. That’s just reality. You are going to have days that are up, and days that are absolutely down. You’ll be called on to dig deep and really put your time and effort into the process.
My best to you as you get over cheating and rebuild your marriage.
Do you dream of going back to the way things once were?
How would it be useful to return to the past-what changes would you have made then that you could make now?
What are your thoughts on creating a marriage that is better than ever?
Please share your ideas and personal experiences on this topic with other members of the community.
Wishing you hope and healing for your marriage,
Stephanie Anderson
Editor-in-Chief
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This is exactly how music should be thought. I’ve never enjoyed music classes especially with respects to the theory aspect. But now the story has changed because for the first time i actually understand what is being thought. You have a real gift. Good thing you found it and putting it to good use. God bless you and thank you.
Cassie, I am Laura~
I learned at some point there was another Laura who posts on here so I put the ~ after my name, when I noticed her postings.
I have been dealing with discovering my husband’s double life since 01/04/2009. The impact on me was by far the worst day of my life, but also maybe the best. Cause the image I had of my CS prior to that was my fantasy. After 20+ years of marriage and accomplishing many successes, I had finally felt I was living a secure and happy life. Then, BAM, right between the eyes, I learned of my husband’s double life.
I am sure he is a narcissist, and feels he is entitled to hapiness. He doesn’t understand you create your own happiness by finding joy in daily life and making the best of the cards you are dealt. Not that I am not goal oriented; I am. But, I try to find the positives and enjoy the journey.
Really that attitude made me appear naive to my husband, and an easy target for a narcissist. It started off with little things; put downs, lack of emotional support, walking out and threatening abandonmennt etc. I thought I could handle the abuse as long as I was tough and did not let it affect the children. But, it just got worse as time went on.
Cause, as my CS tells me now, I should have been stronger, put my foot down or left him a long time ago. I accept he is right; I should have done that. But I thought I was doing the right thing by taking what I thought was the high road; when it was really the coward’s road.
I have been through hard times in my life. Neglect as a child, alcoholic parents, a molestation victim at age 11, (a neighbor who was 17 when it started) that went on for about 5 years until I broke away, then years of very self destructive behavior.
If I did not have an angel watching over me; I would probably not be alive today, and there were many days that ending my life would have been a relief.
I lost my father at age 18, after he suffered a long degenerative illness that started when I was 9 or 10. I had been Daddy’s little girl and watching him fade from the big strong man I knew left lasting scars. I spent as much time with him as I could and learned that life is unpredictable and not fair! But the good lesson that I learned from him was not to waste a day! Still sometimes I forget that lesson and feel very defeated and lonely. But, then I am reminded of the blessings in my life, often in very unusual ways, some would say pure coincidence, I think differently. My mom died a few years after my dad’s death when I was in my early 20s.
I completely ruined my first marriage by acting out sexually as so many sexual abuse victims do. He never knew; but certainly suspected. One day he just did not come home and that was the end of our marriage. I of course blamed myself, but stuffed my emotions and moved on with my young son; determined to make a good life for both of us. I married my 2nd husband a few years later, changed my ways and was 100% loyal and dedicated to making the marriage work; no matter what!
My first husband came back into our lives and we were civil for the sake of our son. Eventually we became friends again and shared custody of our son. Things went along well for years, and I had 2 more sons.
Then, Bam! Another terrible loss when my ex shot himself with a shotgun to the heart. It was such a shock, I was devastated and guilt ridden, though I never admitted the guilt part, but I felt I had sent him down that road. My husband had no tolerance for my mourning and I had to hide my emotions and fear I had for my son’s future.
Slowly I felt myself losing the strength I had once had and the emotional abuse I was enduring with my 2nd spouse became worse and worse. Eventually, I gritted my teeth and said I am gonna move on and I did. I did not forgive myself but stuffed it away.
Our family was still intact and I did my best to be a good wife, mother and was achieving much success in my career. We built our dream home and that is when things started going downhill. I guess it wasn’t enough for my husband and now hat he was in a position of power in his career, he began his philandering. I had no idea, though the signs were there I did not trust my intuitions. I did start to have anxiety attacks which I felt came out of nowhere, but I lived in fear everyday. Little did I know my husband had pure disdain for my weakness at this point and fell in love with a young coworker. He was completely obsessed with her and she with him.
After about 18 months into his love affair I was guided to evidence of his affair, seemingly by accident, but more than that I am sure.
I took it harder than anything I had been through before. And, here I am.
I lost my job because I basically had a nervous breakdown and could not concentrate on anything except finding out about the lies and betrayals that had gone on for years and years. With every new lie I discovered, it was another twist of the knife.
We have been trying to make it work and I realy felt, considering my past I felt that forgiveness was the path to take. But it has not been easy. Though I forgive, I cannot forget. I suffer from PTSD and have been in therapy to learn to live and talk about the traumas I have experienced and face my fears.
I am finally starting to get my life back with mediatation and time to heal my wounds.
On the other hand my husband has never experienced losses, except the loss of his lover who I scared straight and cured her of her obsession to get involved with married men for whatever gain she could get from the realtionship. She was actually having an affair with my husband’s married coworker at the same time she was involved with my CS, and he knew it, but could not let her go; for the most part because she would not let him go.
It took a toll on him to get involved with someone who could beat him at his own games. He was 50, she was 24, the married coworker was 29 and was my CSs paramour’s preference. She made a fool out of my CS, got him fired, and his coworker got his job. His career took a big hit and there was lots of anger! Karma in action.
So that, believe it or not is a condensed version of the traumas in my life. While I was still reeling from the discovery of the affair, my very close friend and mentor was diagnosed with cancer and died within 6 months.
So my mantra now is; I have been through worse than this and I will survive……
This is a reply to “To Cassie”
Its ok…its all forgiven and forgotten…so what should we call you? besides “To Cassie”
PS:don’t get me started on those women predators…and I know exactly what you mean…unfortunately its plenty of them out there….
My grandmother strongly believed in Karma ( I do too) and used to say “make sure you do a good deed every chance you get..everything you release to this world will always come back to you, times three, good or bad..” I still obey that rule…those women will get theirs in time…
Cassie, I went back and read some of your earlier posts and realize you were venting and upset and I did not know the whole story when I responded to you. I apologize; I was having my own pity party and took my angst out on you because I did not see your history of posts and judged you on your rant. I was wrong and apologize. And said things I know were completely wrong.
You are right men who are inclined to cheat will do it no matter who they have at home. They all have their reasons and some of it is insecurty. That is no justification, but it can be a contribuing factor.
I know you are heartbroken and we all can’t put into words exactly why this has happened to us. We try to figure out what on earth our CS was thinking when he chose to do what he did. We are all going through the same thing and it hurts like hell to be mistreated in such a way.
I appreciate your information you passed on about the surveys among men and their attitudes toward cheating. You were gracious enough not to get angry with me after I was so harsh to you.
I have always been the rock of our family too, but was totally unappreciated and I thnk he was jealous of my success and his lack of pride in the fact that he was not the successful one. Instead of being proud of me as he once was; he became to resent me and blame me for his percieved failures to be “the man of the house”. I became the bossy one, the demanding one etc.
I have to say I don’t think that it is fair that we are expected to now bring home the bacon and fry it in the pan, and if we do too good a job at it their prides are hurt.
And then to top it of, we are the one’s who have to get hold of our emotions, move on and do all we can to make it work with a CS
who may or may not deserve forgiveness.
But marriage lasts a long time and people make stupid decisions they may regret very much.
I’ll bet you are the love of his life and he’ll always regret what he did to ruin your relationship. Hopefuly he will grow from this and understand that the tue test of integrity is what we do when we are alone and think we will not get caught.
One thing I have learned too is there are women predators out there who think it is a game to steal away married men or men in relationships; they will do anything to attain their goal. They are as self centered as the men they seduce, and walk away when the fallout begins and claim to be the innocent victim.
They give no thought to the real victims; the families that are broken up, the kids who’s lives will never be the same. The wives who are shattered beyond belief. They figure if the man is stupid enough to fall for their game, they get what they deserve, and maybe they are right. But the should not be absolved in their participation of being with a married man; if they had pride in themselves they would never think of it.
I am sorry for your pain and for judging you. No one makes a man cheat and I am sure you did not push him to it.
I apologize for my hurtful and thoughtless words.
Two years ago my husband had a brief affair with a co-worker. It was a busy time for us. I was working over 50 hours weekly, we were stressed trying to purchase a home, and I was attending school as well. I was too busy to notice my husband or his needs. He asked me if I loved him a few days before the infedility, and I brushed him off saying “of course, you know I do”. He developed a friendship with the OW while at work and they spoke at work and on the phone several times per day for a few months, then we fought one night and I said horrible things to him. He went to her apartment and spent the night on the couch. I didn’t even ask him where he was that morning when he came home. The next night he was so upset of my uncaring attitude, he picked a fight and again I said horrible things to him. He threatened I would be sorry if he left, but I didn’t care. He left and went to her again and she consoled him offering sex. He claims he had no intentions of a physical relationship, but she was aggressive and he immediately apologized to her and stated “that shouldn’t have happened. I’m married and we work together”. She said “no big deal”, but I did ask where he was the next morning. He lied, but I knew something was up. He looked guilty. I called one of his friends from work and he said there was a rumor that a coworker liked him. So I confronted him and checked our cell phone account. I was shocked! Of course I threw him out. He spent the next few days at her house, but called numerous times begging and saying “we are just friends”. After I calmed down, we did talk and I truly wasn’t the only victim. My husband was a victim too. He only wanted my attention and I neglected my marriage. This OW befriended him claiming to understand and counsel him, but she had other motives in mind. I asked why he continued to stay at her home and he replied “she was an ally”. After our talk, he immediately called the OW and said “I can’t be your friend and sorry to put you in the middle of my marriage”. Of course, she was mad, but she agreed to not contact him. I’m glad I gave my husband a second chance. Our marriage is better than before. He was sincerely sorry and claims “I would cut my hand off to take back what I’ve done to you”, and I believe him wholeheartedly. He could be labeled as a “cheater”, but I do believe it was a mistake and he truly loves me.
and one more thing, year after we started to date, he went on his knees and he proposed. He wanted to buy a diamond ring, big one and pay it monthly, I said no need, I don’t want you to buy me an expensive ring like that and pay for it for years, I am ok with CZ. Lets see, if I am the way do you think I am, (you misread me big time), I would have asked for that expensive diamond ring and not care if he had to pay for months, years, whatever..7 months later we got married. Before we were dating, when he was chasing me, when we were dating, while he was getting ready to propose, while we were getting ready for the small wedding, he was still screwing her.. I just didn’t know it..So he said, after I found out, he let it go to his head and if he thought we wouldn’t last, then why propose??why asking me to marry him?? so I guess while being married to me, just in case he thought we may not last he could have this married skank on the side, his excuses are BS. Well his skank and his cheating ways the reason we didn’t last, not because I put him down or pushed him to it..You don’t make anyone cheat, they make that decision themselves. If your not happy end the relationship you are in first, then go to the next one. You have no right to inflict that kind of pain to any human being..
and Lori, you were right on with your post!!as always!!
This is a reply to “To Cassie”
To answer your question, he also you used to say “your not just beautiful outside, your also beautiful inside, kind and with the biggest heart I ever met” Yes I am very smart and hard working, if I wasn’t I wouldn’t be where I am at. Most people have said to me until I opened my mouth and started to talk, I might be a stuck up( don’t judge the book by its cover) then told me how wrong they were. His exact words and in person he used to say, “when I am around you I feel like a king, you make me feel like a king and treat me like a king” Yes, I treated him like a king and much much more!! and I know what you are saying and I do agree beauty is skin deep. I have never once said to him or made him feel like that, it was him constantly saying “why are you with me, you could have anyone you want, why me?” and I used to say “because I love you, you are my best friend and you are a good man.”But my hurt and question is, if he was going to do this,from day one,, why chase me for months? Why make promises knowing what I went through telling me, he will never hurt me in any way, yet he was already doing it at the same time. Maybe I did sounded like I am vain, but I was trying to make a point just like RealityCheck said, it doesn’t matter what they have at home, if its in their nature they will cheat regardless what they have at home. Why do you think I was so hurt and this angry, because I loved him and I really thought he loved me..We did everything together, we were best friends so I thought and him to cheat on me with someone like that and with “a married woman” at that, to me it was a shock!! No person with morals will go and have an affair with a married woman and be married himself…Why didn’t he just break up with me first then do his thing? Why all the lies, deceit?? He got all of his needs met and more!!! Cheat is a cheat, no matter what!!He wanted to have his cake and eat it too, just like the OW. He had everything, then later on I found out he has cheated on his first wife, he has cheated on with all of his girlfriends and not one woman, I mean not one he has stayed faithful to and again I may sound like I am vain person but I could have had any man if I wanted to, I picked him, thinking he was decent, thinking he will appreciate what he has and will never risk it what we had, he had, I was wrong. He didn’t show his real face…So whether you have a hottie or overweight woman at home, it doesn’t matter, if he is a cheat he will cheat as soon as opportunity is there!! I am angry because I feel like a fool. I did love him and also wanted to feel safe. Yes I have no problem replacing this man, but the way this effected me I don’t want a man, because the turmoil he has put me through left deep invisible scars in my heart and soul. As far as being humble, I already am, I was just trying to make a point.
AND YOU ARE TELLING/BLAMING ME THAT MAYBE I PUSHED HIM TO CHEAT??FROM DAY ONE??SO BASICALLY YOU ARE SAYING ALL THESE PEOPLE WHO ARE IN THIS FORM MUST PUSHED THEIR SPOUSES TO CHEAT??INCLUDING YOU??
Oh here is a little article you should read;
I’ve made it my business over the last eight years to know as much as possible about relationships. At my first “real job,” editing romance novels, I began thinking about how reality falls so short from women’s ideals. Then I started studying the ins and outs of the topic, wondering how we get from dysfunctional to functional, and better, functional to optimal.
In that span of time, I’ve interviewed hundreds of experts, thousands of men, read seemingly a million surveys and studies and sat on a hundred-plus panels.
Over on Formspring, I answer questions about dating and relationships (ten thousand and counting) based on what I’ve learned, and dialogue with women about what’s going on in their lives. I even went back to school to become a life coach to help folks find their happy.
And after all those questions and all the stories and all that research, there’s been one question that consistently baffles me: Why do we, women, consistently put up with cheaters?
Earlier this year, I hosted an all-male panel about relationships. Five men. Uncensored. Inevitably, we talk about cheating and the (unmarried) men are discussing it with the same level of concern they’d give to taking the last swallow of OJ and putting it back in the fridge. I finally just ask, “Do you even have any expectation that your significant other will leave when she finds out?”
“Well, D,” the single men begin, side-stepping the question, “we don’t expect the main girl to find out.”
“But if she does?” I press.
Oh, then? Nah. She’ll be mad, but leave? Not even on their radar. (Oddly enough, ESSENCE.com did a poll on cheating Wednesday. Two thousand responses and half you said, you’d work it out with a cheating partner.)
“And if she were to cheat on you?” I asked the guys. Unequivocally, they — married and single — were throwing “deuces” like C. Breezy… though one of the marrieds revised his knee-jerk response to add, “It’s hard to just leave when you’ve built a life with someone for ten years and you have children.”
That, I totally get. Vows of “for better or worse” should make a person think twice, or three, four times. But ultimately, you have to make the best decision for you, your sanity and your health. And staying with a man who deceives you about his whereabouts, lies to you about his actions, denies your “something’s up” feelings, and gambles with his health — and yours — by potentially exposing himself to STDs and HIV… is that best for you? Your call.
I was hosting a different panel last year at ESSENCE Music Festival in New Orleans. It’s me, six men (including Lamman Rucker, Darren Sharper and Jeff Johnson) on stage. We’re talking about cheating and Jeff, a self-confessed reformed cheater, just made it plain why men do it: ultimately, the guy doesn’t want to be with you. If he did, he would value the relationship enough not to put it in jeopardy. He can change eventually, sure, but not with you… because, back to the chicken (or the egg), he doesn’t want to be with you. You’re a glorified placeholder until the woman he really wants comes along.
As the panel vigorously nodded in agreement, I realized that in all the years I’ve been interviewing experts and individuals about cheating, I’ve never heard a man advise women to stay and “work it out.” That’s only what women say to each other. Maybe if we held a zero tolerance policy toward infidelity similar to the stance men take with us, there would be a lot less of it. Or at least the act of cheating would inspire more concern than running out of juice.
I understand your pain, we’ve all been burned but reading your posts were kinda telling. I am sure you turn heads everywhere you go, good for you! You say you have money, and all the things this very average guy could have wanted. You say you married down with the thought he would feel so lucky to have you he would treat you like a queen. Did you treat him like a king? I never once heard you mention you are smart, or an empathetic person. You may be a hottie but you do not sound very deep. You seem to think you did this guy a favor marrying him, but my guess is you let him know it too. When probably you married down cause you have insecurities of your own and needed to feel in control. I could be way off base, but I get the idea you spent more time thinking about getting your needs met than you spent trying to meet his. You r mad as hell he cheated but do you think you could have pushed him away simply by making him feel inferior to you or he felt it would never last cause he would eventually be unable to keep you happy. Beauty is only skin deep you know. This could be a wake up call for you to work on your spirituality and learn to feel beautiful inside too. No one will truly feel comfortable in a relationship w a partner who feels they are superior. If I am way off base; I sincerely apologize. But woman to woman; you came off to me as rather vain and entitled. Not attractive qualities really. Try to be introspective and understand what part you played in this. And you never said if you loved him; did you really? Or we’re you just looking for a safe relationship? Not trying to lay blame on you. He made some bad choices. He may truly be sorry, yet maybe relieved to be able to move on to a more equal partnership. Again, sorry if this is harsh or I misread you. But just felt I should give you food for thought. Best wishes to you and don’t sweat it. If you are as fantastic as you say you are, you’ll have no problem replacing this very average man. Take a leap and go with someone you feel is in your league. Maybe it will humble you a bit.
Even the most perfect marriage cannot heal emotional/psychological dysfunction, do away with skeletons, strengthen every weakness, or do away with one’s own baggage.
To say that a ‘perfect’ marriage can prevent an affair in the first place is flawed logic. People do not ‘cheat’ in order not to be married, they cheat in addition to the marriage but for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with ‘the marriage’ not meeting their needs. The ‘needs’ they have CANNOT be met by ANY marriage.
I believe that most, if not all, cheaters are intrinsically narcissistic. I also believe that most cheaters have two very different sides to them that they live out one way or the other. It works out somewhat okay for them while single… but when they marry and are expected to integrate their two sides… all hell breaks loose eventually…. and they find a ‘world’ they can act out in. To the faithful spouse it may seem that their CS has gone basically nuts. But the truth is, the cheater was always there.
While a perfect childhood may create an environment that will produce an emotionally ‘whole’ adult who’d never cheat, a marriage can’t accomplish that which their parents failed to do. Even the most loving spouse cannot substitute for a psychiatrist. Even the most loving spouse cannot respond to or help meet the needs of a hidden part of their spouse. We’d all have to be telepaths.
Hitting the proverbial ‘bullseye’ of your CS’s needs is like asking yourself to see in the dark. Some people enter into marriage thinking that the problems in their life were caused by others… their failings are what made them fail… what was wrong with the other person made them become wrong (and they usually believe it was unfairly so).
An honest person can read the recommendations made in the captioned article and say… “But, of course. That’s a no brainer.” Speak honestly. Give and take. Be an open book. Tell the truth. Love. Have patience. Be true to your word.
A person with two sides and who has become comfortable surviving by living essentially two lives… their entire lifetime… deals with you only on a partial basis. The part that they believe pertains to you is what they share. Everything else is none of your business. Whose business is it? Its for the other life’s business. Two sides of the one coin.
There is nothing worth being said between two people if both are not fully invested in the outcome. This holds true in personal relationships as well as business relationships. Nothing predicated in partial truth and partial dishonesty works. Even the most ‘perfect’ marriage cannot turn a leopard into an elephant.
When I read articles such as this… my blood pressure always rises.
To quote: “If your marriage was in such great shape to begin with, it’s highly unlikely you would be facing the problems you are dealing with right now. Your spouse ultimately made this awful choice to cheat, but think about it: if your marriage was in such great shakes to begin with, it’s more unlikely that your spouse wouldn’t have done such a thing.”
That’s like saying the pretty girl wouldn’t have been raped if she wore a longer skirt. The man wouldn’t have been hit over the head in the airport if he hadn’t made himself a target by wearing a business suit.
Rather ridiculous and cruel if you ask me.
Cassie,
Sometimes we don’t make the best choices, but we are all suffer from the human condition which is full of faults. We all need to take a good look at ourselves. Ask if loving this person is worth all the pain and sorrow that they bring into the relationship. Most of the time the answer isn’t clear, and we must dig deeper for answers, and find a way to have peace in our lives. Sometimes it mean leaving the relationship, other times it means working things out. How does one know when to give up and quit? I certainly don’t have the answer yet. I guess it matters which way the wind is blowing. Are they better, worst or the same.
We need to learn to forgive ourselves, and those we love, or forever live in a bitter state of mind. Somehow we need to move on with our lives.
Affairs suck! They are the opposite to what a good marriage is…a very destructive force…emotional distancing on the part of the CS.
I am sorry guys that I went off like that.
I am still so angry, with myself… For giving him many chances in hopes he will come clean, tell me the truth and wasting another 2 years of my life in this turmoil..
I am angry I was made a fool of and angry that I didn’t throw him out, after I found out, then after the first lie, after he promised not to lie again..
I am angry I wasted 7 years on a cheat and a liar..
I am angry with myself losing sleep over it for 2 years, while he slept like a baby..
I am angry with all the precious time wasted to try to find things…
I am angry, when he just looked at me and lied and cried, then I comforted him…
I am angry I gave my time and my love to someone who didn’t deserve it…
I am angry I was duped…
I completely agree with reality check!! I wasn’t a millionaire but I was/am very well off when he had/has nothing, I don’t own a bar/golf course but I have a body of a model, I am beautiful and I turn heads everywhere I go, I am well dressed and always in heels,I am also loyal and in a way nymphomaniac and he always used to say, “your a dream come true, you are any mans dream”.. I knew he never had a woman like me and never will and it was like he hit the lottery!! I mean come on, he wasn’t rich, far from it in debt, not much to look at, not well dressed..I gave him a chance looking past all of that, thinking he is decent, good guy, he will appreciate a woman like me and when his family met me they were stunned, his friends were gawking and couldn’t stop staring and he couldn’t even handle me in bed and how was I supposed to know that he was getting a bj in a car, in parking lots before he came home with this married homely,skank??when he was telling me he was tired, his back hurts I believed him, there were no signs whatsoever!!he was so sweet and devoted so I thought! and when I saw the OW I actually got offended and my mouth dropped!! I mean he chased me for months, pleading to give him a chance and telling me that if I give him a chance “he will treat me with love and respect that I deserve” what a crock of shit!!
If a guy is a cheater and that’s in his nature no matter what he has at home, he will still cheat when there is an opportunity!its just who they are!!
we were not having any troubles at all, we were in honeymoon stage for gods sake!!He was with her from the day we started to date and continued until she quit that job 3 years later. I asked him WHY? his answer, he let it go to his head that 2 woman were interested in him the same time,he thought I was too good for him and we probably wouldn’t last “HUH??” he thought she was a friend and I said “you didn’t want me to have any male friends whatsoever from day one, telling me, man will have ulterior motives and yet it was okay for you to have a female friend?which I didn’t know about?which you hid it from me?which you never said anything about? well it takes one to know one!!”
Cheat is a cheat, when they cheat they cheat down, stupid!! now look where is he at?? broke, lonely!! oh yeah only ones he can get will be looking for a meal ticket,looking for him to support her. Good luck with that!! What kills me is these women when they see a man with a good looking woman they go after that women’s man! thinking “why is she with him, he must be loaded or something?” or whatever!!and when that man gives in, those woman thinks now they got him, they must be superior to that woman he is with!! its funny, until he met me he was looking, single, on dating sites( I found about that later) with no luck, as soon as I said ok, these whores started to coming out from where ever they come from!!and this idiot thought it was because he was all that and more!! geez now he is dumped where are all the women????? oh it maybe some, at his work, redneck, low life, drug using, married, chunky,nasty whores where he works at!! that’s where his redneck married whore was at, at his work!!after me, for him to find someone, he is going to have to lower his standards, and a lot!!
Like Reality check said
“No one and no situation ever pushes a person to cheat – it is a choice!
Make a marriage better..? Not in a million years!!”
our problem in our marriage was due to the fact that my husband is an alcoholic and he lost his leg and he went back drinking 10 years ago and was on the pitty pot…..so he left me for 8 months to run our business. Now he wants me back after I caught him having an affair. I do not trust him and he does not trust me. I was a devoted wife for over 30 years….very very sad situation…I do not know if I can forgive him or if I should. All respect and trust is gone.
Well I can say that our marriage was never great! My husband was very much tied to his family and his mother was amazingly contolling. No one he ever met was good enough for him; her baby boy deserved the best in that regard and she always voiced her opinions on whomever he dated.
He and I fell in love and dated for many months before I ever met her. He warned me about her; but I was still unprepared to deal with a person like her. She was very nice and told me she liked me very much. Things went well until we planned a wedding several months later. She wanted to take over all details, who we could invite, people we could not invite because she was feuding with them. We, as a couple, decided to have a small wedding at the courthouse before we moved into the home we buying, then maybe have a more formal ceremony at a later time. We were anxious to get on with our lives. The frustrations over the plans for a formal wedding could not be resolved with his mother, so we never did that; and we were okay with it.
The frustrations with his mother only got worse (cause she did not get her way) and she started more and more conflicts as time went on. I tried very hard to get along with her; but that did not stop her from telling me how sad she was and disappointed because she knew that her son “could have done so much better”.
So the lines were drawn early in our marriage and my husband feeling in the middle was unable to really break away from his mother and never committed to or marriage fully.That is when our one-sided marriage began.
His loyalty to is recently widowed mother was devout, even though she did not acknowledge our marriage or growing family. We moved to another State hoping it would ease tensions; but it did not. She would call and only talk to him, never came to visit, our son’s did not have a relationship with her, it was very sad.
We would visit her occasionally, but it was not often because the cost for our whole family to fly to visit her was expensive. We offered to purchase her airfare and lodging to come visit us, but our invites were always declined. I really wanted a relationship with her for me and our boys, and did all I could to be a good daughter-in-law, but it was never enough. As far as she was concerned I was the OW!
She would call him at work often so that she did not have to call our home and my husband would not tell me “cause he did not want to upset me”. She would encourage him to leave me, (and our sons) and come back home!
So the lies by omission started and his frustations and focusing on the negatives in our lives grew. And at his mom’s encouragement always kept his eyes open for someone better out there that would make him happy.
It became a one-sided marriage with me doing all the work to keep it together. He soon learned he could do anything he wanted and I would work to keep our family and marriage intact.
Eventually he became involved in an affair and even bragged about it to his mother and brother about how happy he was. They were thrilled; he deserved to be happy after all.
Funny cause the girl he had an affair with was certainly someone his mother would not approve of, and certainly not a step up for my husband, (far from it) but if it meant betraying me; it was all good with his mama. The OW was a subordinate of my CS and they did a terrible job of keeping it secret. He was fired, but he told me it was because he had not kept his budget on target.
Eventually I found out about the affair and was crushed. His mother contacted me once and was amazingly cruel. Then she told my CS that I had been rude to her! She encouraged a divorce and the whole family cut off all communication with me.
We started counseling and my CS realized how things had spun out of control because of his inability to break away from his mom and grow up and assume fully the husband and father role in an honest loving way.
Now he works hard to be involved in our marriage and family and is fully engaged. But we live with the pain of his betrayal and it is not easy.
Our marriage is much better, but sad to say I am disappointed in his behavior that was a secret for so long, and really do not feel the love anymore. Nor do I feel the fear of abandonment or the worry if he will cheat again. I think he is a pathetic person who does not have a mind of his own and is really sorry for his past behavior, has worked hard to change but too late baby boy
I am devising an exit plan cause seriously, I could have done better and am pissed that I stayed in an emotionally abusive marriage for so long.
So the affair did make things better than ever. I will survive and prosper without babysitting this Mama’s boy anymore. I have my power back, so am thankful my CS was selfish and stupid enough to push it to the limit. I was faithful and am sure I can make it on my own, cause I have been doing it through our entire marriage.
My CS is working hard to repair things now. But, though I really wanted to get past this nightmare of his affair and the deception that was easy as pie for him. I have to admit after growing and understanding what happened, I forgive, but can’t forget.
I wish my CS well and maybe he will find that “better” person out there for him. Now he will know how to treat her and understand that it takes 2 people to make a marriage work. The good thing is, I understand that now too.
And I will never make the choice to be with ayone who is not bringing out the best in me, or is insupportive and aloof. If they don’t have my back, and are not loyal, I would rather be alone.
I agree with many comments written. Sometimes I feel spouses choose to cheat because they just get addicted to the high the affair gives them. They don’t even think of the consequences of their actions. Only that they feel good, so it must be right for me.
My H was the most honest man I knew. Almost too righteous. H was going through a mid life crisis and under a lot of stress at work…unsure of where he was, where he was going, losing his purpose in life, feeling unneeded cause the kids were teenagers and involved in their own things. When I tried to talk with him, he would say it was his problem, and he would take care of it. Next thing I knew, he had an emotional affair!
Now that he had an emotional affair (which he still has trouble admitting to), he is quite a broken man. Whenever I questioned him as to what he was doing and why, he would attack me, and blame me for making him cheat! The denial was amazing! Just like a drug addict!
I believe a lot of cheater really have a character defect, which is partly due to their inability to communicate their needs, their poor coping mechanism, choosing to escape rather than deal with the real problems, and susceptibility to obsessive habits or addictions.
After 2 years, he still sometimes chooses to blame the marriage or me, for not fulfilling his need, which he is still not able to express, since I don’t believe he even knows what his needs are. All he knows is he is not happy.
Don’t they say, you are responsible for your own happiness? What happens if one is a pessimist, depressed, introvert?
I must have read 40 books on relationships and self improvement. He chooses to read adventure fantasy books. It takes effort to improve oneself, and admit to one’s shortcomings. But blame and denial are so much easier. That way, you never have to look at yourself, or do much effort to change.
I love this man. Things have improved very slowly, but he still has a lot of issues, and habits. He refuses to go to coulseling, because I think he finds it difficult to take a good look at himself…I think he doesn’t like what he sees, and the therapist opens his eyes to his shortcomings.
I want my H to be present emotionally. To be a better husband and dad. To pick up the slack and do his part in this marriage, if he wants it to survive and thrive. But he isn’t quite on board yet…he is still muddling through his mid life crisis! AAAAAAAGGG!
I SO agree with you Realitycheck!
All marriages that I have ever seen, have issues. I’m sick & tired of hearing that if our marriage was better he wouldn’t have cheated. That is such BS! There is never, NEVER, a reason to cheat. If the marriage has issues maybe they should talk about THAT instead of CHEATING! I wonder if their lives are better now than before they cheated & was found out?
LOVE IS A CHOICE & CHEATING IS A CHOICE! Doesn’t it ever occur to these people to work on solving supposed problems in the marriage rather than cheating? They are cheating on the whole family when they do this. Then they wonder why their children don’t want anything to do with them?
No….I’m not taking the blame for this. He can carry this burden squarely on his own shoulders.
Like I’VE said before, “it would have been easier to have accepted his death than this”, (of course I would never wish him dead!). I will have to live the rest of my life knowing that he gave the most sacred thing he could give, to someone else….
reality check, I agree as well. I was taking care of the kids and making sure that he had little to no stress at night when he came home from work, because he is working on his PhD nights and weekends and he always had no time for us. I made sure the kids, one his and one ours-16 and 6, we have full custody of the 16 yr old, did homework and took them to museums and the zoo and local festivals, he was always “too busy” but for a month in feb 2010 to march 2010, he had time for an affair. He had time to text her over 3000 times in that month and he picked a fight with me so he could spend the night with her at a motel, but no time for me and our boys and he wondered why the six year old didn’t want anything to do with him. He was sick with a horrible upper respiratory illness when the affair started but not too sick to have sex with someone he worked with on a business trip. When I caught him he didn’t know what he wanted to do! But he decided to stay and I can tell you at almost 2 years later that I am the one who has had to do most of the work, and he is still too busy to text and talk to me all the time like he did her. But he does give more quality time to the boys. So yes I agree that at least before he cheated things were great at least in my eyes. We were having trouble with his adult daughter being totally disrepectful and rude to me and that is the only fights we ever had were about her. Now i have been going to therapy and still wonder what he is doing. Oh he is being transparent and I know he isn’t currently doing anything, and trust me I am very vigilant, but that isn’t what I signed up for. I can no longer trust that my husband has my back now or in the future, and that sucks. So an education doesn’t mean anything either. This woman half his age, if fact 2 years older than his own daughter, and married herself, got my husband to turn his back on all that is good and decent and right to commit the most deceitful wrong thing a man can do to his wife and children. He made a choice just like I did, only my choice was to keep my vows and commitment to my husband and he chose to lie and cheat and screw around with a homewrecking whore. Some prize I got huh! He was saving her from her horrible husband, her knight in shining armor! I told him, well too bad my knight in shining armor didn’t come rescue me from my horrible husband’s actions, I guess i got screwed. So much for my fairytale romance! They have no idea of the destruction their actions cause and at the time they don’t care, but we have to suck it up and work to repair something they destroyed, and don’t relly have to do much. I hate this but I see no way out except to stay until the oldest boy goes to college, because his little brother adores him and I’ll be damned if I am going to be the bad guy for taking that away from him. So I’m in a holding pattern for at least 2 more years and then we will see. No one made him cheat, our marriage was fine until that little whore came along and started sucking up to him and he decided what I didn’t know wouldn’t hurt me. Too bad he didn’t realize that I am far smarter than he is and know him far better than he thinks, because I knew something was up and only needed proof to call him on it and I still have the “I love you babe” video he sent that piece of trash and forgot to delete from his email trash. He has never read any of the books about cheating, I’ve read 20 or so. Yeah it’s all my fault though that he cheated!! I don’t think so, it was a choice, his choice, if I wanted to cheat I could, I chose not to. If i wanted to screw around I would still be single and I wouldn’t have put up with all the crap from his daughter for so many years if I didn’t love him. But of course life’s a bitch and then you die. My priorities are me and my boys and he comes last. That’s where I came, his wants and needs are more important than anyone else’s. Selfish and self serving, thats what he is and that is the prize I got for being faithful and a good mom, stepmom and loving, trusting wife–cheated on!
I will never fall in love again. It just hurts too much and in the end it is not worth it.
I should have know the way she came on to me when we first met. How stupid I was.
Check-you are right the key word being choice-no one forced her to stray she just did it for a thrill at your expense. Cheaters only think of themselves and never think they’ll get caught, like they are above the rest of us. They all will get what they deserve in the end-and that is not a loving husband or wife. I have no respect for any of them-male or female.
Its even worse when you have small children-the disregard for these kids while cheaters are out whoring around is pathetic. They deserve to have the children taken away forever and that is where I’m at.
At least there are decent people left out there that we victims may meet and can share our lives with-move on and be happy, instead of the constant anger that eventually turns to hate. Cheaters never win-I can rest easy believing that-they dig their own graves and deserve all the crap they get.
This marriage can’t get better cause the Rass clath man is with his whore right now. It’s now 1:45 AM and he has not come home so I am sure he is with his KOREAN WHORE!!!!!! The dirty stinking bastard that he is!!!!!!
You got that right Check….. My wife Boned me too and a good friend on mine…. I hope she gets whats comming to her…..
I totally disagree with this blog!!!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; I would take the worst day of my “pre-affair” marriage over the best hour of my current “relationship” (because I can’t call it a marriage anymore).
My marriage was never before in a better place than where it was when my wife cheated on me…built a new house, great jobs, good money, healthy, our sex life was better than had been in years and it was evolving like never before.
This blog suggests that the affair happened because the marriage was in trouble…that is not the case at all; it happened because my wife chose to have an affair…it’s that simple.
If a guy is a cheater by nature, he could be married to a millionaire super model that owns a bar and a golf course..oh yeah and she’s loyal and a nymphomaniac…he will still cheat when the opportunity presents itself.
No one and no situation ever pushes a person to cheat – it is a choice!
Make a marriage better..? Not in a million years!!