An affair can be difficult to forgive and nearly impossible to forget. Even the smallest things might bring up painful memories: seeing an affair on a television show, or meeting someone with the same first name as the ex-paramour.
But one of the most heartbreaking situations is when the cheater and the ex-paramour have a child.
For the wife whose husband has cheated, this is constant torment. An affair is bad enough. When there’s a child, the situation becomes overwhelmingly complicated.
There are ways to cope. There are ways to lessen the pain and make life bearable, even happy, again. There is hope, and you can heal. But it does take work.
First, let’s look at that initial trauma. Finding out about an affair is shattering. The pain is so intense that it can become physical. Add in finding out about a child, and the anger, denial, and grief seem to come in endless waves. So what can you do?
The Cheater Must Never Be Alone with the Ex-Paramour
When a baby is not involved, it is simpler for the cheater to end all contact with his ex-paramour. He can avoid her in social situations. He can refuse to take her calls. He can tell her, point-blank, that he will not be seeing her again.
A child however, adds a level of complexity that cannot be avoided.
The father of the child must be responsible. But for the wife, the idea of her husband “co-parenting” with the ex-paramour is completely unacceptable, and there are some situations where the husband completely gives up all parental rights and responsibilities except for financial ones.
Does the Baby Give Him More Opportunities to See Her?
It is normal to feel concerned that the baby could give your husband’s ex-paramour the perfect excuse to see him. And when they are alone.cheat again.
These anxieties are understandable.
They are totally natural. And the husband must do everything he can to make his wife feel completely confident that the affair is over.
That means absolutely zero “alone time” between the husband and his ex-paramour. When he goes to pick up the child, his wife should be in the car. If possible, a relative or friend – not the ex-paramour – should bring the child out to the car. It is essential that contact is limited.
Joint parental decisions can be made by e-mail with the wife reading and contributing to the exchange. Or, these can be made by telephone with the wife listening in.
The husband must take action to restore his wife’s confidence and self-esteem. As I’ll discuss in the next section, she should not feel like a fool or a doormat. Those feelings are common, but they also can stand in the way of rebuilding trust.
You Are Not a “Doormat”!
When you found out about the child, anger, disbelief, confusion, and grief may have kicked in all at once. You may have thought: How could he do this to me? And you may have wondered Am I a doormat for wanting to work things out?
I hear that question often in my office. In fact, in my system How to Survive an Affair, I’ve identified it as one of the “Nine Shockwaves,” or nine most common questions you will struggle with when you find out about the affair. Sometimes, when I hear this question, I ask: “A doormat for what?”
Understand that I am not trying to make light of the situation. Wanting your marriage to work does not make you a doormat. Feeling that your love is worth preserving does not make you a doormat. Even if there is a baby involved, wanting to rebuild trust does not make you foolish, and it does not make you weak.
If you, as the injured party, decide to stay in the marriage, you will want to come to an agreement about preserving your relationship. It will probably not surprise you to learn that in this situation – as in all marriage-rebuilding situations – communication is the key.
Let’s look at some ways you can truly begin talking again.
Use Communication to Rebuild Trust
Feelings of betrayal and anger can fester until they are unbearable. This is particularly true when a child compounds the pain of the affair. Without communication, the cheater cannot ask for forgiveness, and the injured party cannot offer that forgiveness.
Here are 3 steps you can take TODAY to open those lines of communication.
Step 1: Agreeing to Be Open and Honest. Honesty is the number-one rule. This means being completely transparent, and that is not always easy to do. If you are the one who cheated, you might be tempted to tell “little white lies.” You might reason that those lies are preserving your spouse’s feelings..
Don’t do it. Why not? Because the affair has already created distrust, suspicion, and worry. Your small lies and half-truths only add to this sea of negative feelings.
Additionally, lies cover up important issues. If you’re avoiding a topic because it seems too painful, that is probably exactly the topic you should be discussing with your spouse. If your marriage cannot survive honesty, then you may want to consider moving on. When it comes to your marriage, you and your partner are essentially one entity. Hide from your partner, and you are hiding from yourself.
In How to Survive an Affair, I go into great detail about honest conversations, and I also discuss the 3 dangers that honesty creates. Once you understand how to be honest and open, you are ready for the next step.
Step 2: Learn How to Talk and Listen Well. Open conversation is key, and so is a thoughtful approach to that conversation. I call this “The 2-Stage Method for Conversing with Your Partner and Connecting in Ways You Never Thought Possible.”
The first stage allows you to listen to your partner, and then to demonstrate your understanding by reflecting what they said back to them. This moment of reflection ensures that you and your partner are on the same page. An early misunderstanding can derail an entire conversation. This simple step helps keep you both on track.
In the second stage, you practice empathy by placing yourself in a situation similar to the one your partner is describing. This is particularly useful for the partner who has cheated. If you need to understand why your spouse is so frustrated with an issue in your relationship, it helps to put yourself in her shoes.
From page 160 to page 170 of How to Survive an Affair, I explain each of these two stages in detail, with real-life examples from couples who have used my system to rebuild their relationships.
When you have these honest discussions, it’s important that you create a time and space for them. Let’s explore that next.
Step 3: Setting Aside a Time and Place to Talk. Conversations about rebuilding your marriage are perhaps the most important conversations you will ever have. Therefore, you need to set aside a time and a place for these talks.
This is a time to talk about your relationship – not a time to talk about getting the car’s oil changed, how your kids’ report cards were, or whose turn it is to cook dinner. Here are some things that might be beneficial to talk about:
> What changes do you want to make in your relationship? (Be careful not to place blame on your partner for specific problems.)
> Is there something you can share about yourself that your partner might not already know? (Or, is there something you’ve shared in the past that would be worth restating now?)
> Without making promises, what changes do you want to make in yourself, and how will these changes make the relationship better?
Choose a time and place for the conversations, and stick to that schedule. Life is busy, and it’s all too easy to find excuses to avoid difficult conversations. You owe it to yourself and to your marriage to have these talks.
These are 3 steps that you can take RIGHT NOW to open lines of communication. They are the first 3 steps of my system “How to Talk: An 8-Step Program for Learning Better-Than-Ever Communication.”
If you’ve not yet begun my program, I encourage you to follow this link: How to Survive an Affair. You’ll find more than 270 pages of practical advice, real-life scenarios, and activities applicable to your unique situation.
Because you’re visiting this blog, I know that you want to take the steps to rebuild your marriage. I truly commend you for making effort, and for taking the time to heal your relationship.
I would love to hear how things are going for you. If you’ve had to deal with a baby from an affair how did you deal with the situation? Please post your comment on my blog by using this link:
Until next time,
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.
P.S. If you’ve just found out about your spouse having a child with his ex-paramour, you are in a lot of pain. I encourage you to begin processing your emotions in healthy ways. Deal with those emotions, rather than locking them away. You may want to try:
1. Breathing – When the waves of emotion are about to crash over your head, focus on your breath. This is a common and soothing practice, used all over the world. Use breath to step back from painful feelings and to begin letting those feelings go. If it helps you, say “relax” during each exhale.
2. Distract Yourself – Take the time to do something you truly enjoy. Try to become so invested in the activity that you forget what was going on for you before.
3. Learning How to Take Care of Yourself – This is a time to pay attention to your own needs, and even to spoil yourself. Love taking a bath with plenty of candles and incense? Don’t look for reasons not to do it. Allow yourself those moments of peace and relaxation.
4. Getting Out of the House or Office – Don’t try to “cover up” the pain by hiding at home or taking on a mountain of tasks at the office. This can become a dangerous habit. Instead, log off the computer, change out of your pajamas, and go anywhere you like. You can go to the mall, to the park to the zoo – just go!
You’ll find more of this advice in Section 1: My Spouse Had an Affair – How to Manage Your Emotions. If you have not started. I strongly encourage you to begin today.
Incoming search terms:
- what to do when your partner has child with his ex (4)
- how to cope up with ur husband have kids (3)
- ex-paramour (3)
- when your husband cheated with his ex (3)
- My husband has a child outside our marriage with another woman and they are still communicating with the woman what to do? (2)
- What if your husbands ex is trying to get ahold of your family because she said they have a baby (2)
- what to do when your husband have children outside the marriage (2)
- do i want to know if my ex husband had a child outside of our marriage? (2)
- husband does not talk about his relationship with his child from the previous affair (2)
- conceiving with your paramour (2)
Inside this 100% free report, you'll discover how to:
- Overcome obsessive images...
- Rebuild self-confidence...
- Feel normal again...
how many calories in a grapefruit medium, I do love the manner in which you have framed this specific challenge plus it does indeed offer me personally some fodder for consideration. Nevertheless, from what I have seen, I just hope when other feedback stack on that people today continue to be on issue and in no way get started on a soap box of the news of the day. All the same, thank you for this superb point and although I do not go along with this in totality, I regard the perspective.
I never really believed in any of these things but when I was losing fiance, Suzie, I needed help and somewhere to turn badly. I found several comments on this spell caster called ancient priest online and i contacted on him on his email (templeofancientancestors@gmail.com) and ordered a LOVER SPELL. just 3days later, my phone rang. Suzie my girlfriend was her old self again and wanted to come back to me! Not only back, but she then noticed how much I loved and needed her.
I recommend anyone who is in my old situation to try it. It will bring wonderful surprises as well as your lover back to you. The way things were meant to be. You CAN be happy in Love! Yes, templeofancientancestors@gmail.com Spell Casting is 100% REAL I tried it.,
Hello, extremely fascinating post. My sister and I’ve been seeking to locate thorough suggestions about this type of stuff for a time, however we could not until now. Do you consider it is possible to create several youtube videos concerning this, I do believe your web weblog will probably be far far more thorough should you ever did. In any other case, oh effectively. I’m going to be checking on this web-site within the forseeable future. E-mail me to maintain me up to date. granite countertops cleveland
He told me the night before our wedding,in the middle of making love to me! that SHE said the same things when he made love to HER. I CRIED MY EYES OUT ALL NIGHT & DIDN’T SLEEP A WINK. I married him anyway cuz he promised me it was over.
He lived in another country then and we were working on being together. Little did I know she was living with him, being his “wife” in all ways but the ring….doing MY JOB while I cried myself to sleep from missing him. The worst day of my life was 8 days before our first anniversary: He told me she had “seduced” him once, and she was pregnant. (he told me this on my birthday btw….real good timing in dropping bombs into my heart this man has!) At first I was devastated, didn’t want to even continue working toward being together in the same country. Then I realized that I had thought he had kids when I first met him & accepted it….only the circumstances of the child’s birth had changed. He basically told me I HAD to accept this child or our marriage would be over. He accepted my two kids from a previous marriage, I should be able to do the same (despite the fact that this child was conceived AFTER our marriage in what should be OUR HOUSE, OUR BED!) God has been a big part of my trying to heal from this. I don’t blame the child…but I see myself blaming the mother more than my husband in order to keep my sanity. I know it took two to tango…….and I am terrified if he ever goes back to his country to claim this child that he will be with the mother again….at the house, since she is living there with their baby. I don’t begrudge the money he sends for the baby’s support, but I hate every dime that goes to feed or clothe the child’s mother. I really hate the part of myself that feels I would kill that woman if I could, and I hate the part of me that is willing to adopt this baby if for no other reason than to take something away from HER. I had lost a pregnancy from our honeymoon in a fall, and despite being together for almost a year,God has not seen fit to bless me again. I resent her for taking my right, my honour, my privelege as his wife in giving him his firstborn…..ANY child. Can I ever stop hating her and really wishing her dead???????? I’m a Christian…thoughts like these make me feel AWFUL…..I feel like a hypocrite going to church & feeling this way inside. He really has gone to great lengths to heal the breach between us and reassure me that is is only ME he will ever love. But how can I really be sure he won’t stay at the house, sleep with her again when he goes to get the child? I’m not sure financially I can go along, and if he cheats on me ever again it will kill me. Sometimes the depression is so bad I just want to give up (despite therapy and several antidepressants & antianxiety medication). We’re married nearly 3 years now and sometimes the hurt doesn’t feel any less than it did when he first told me. He reassures me constantly in thought, word, deed………even sends me romantic emails like he did before we were married. How do I ever put this behind me???????????
My husband of 5 years just told me he has been having an affair for the past 5 months and the woman is prego. He works with this woman and I am a SAHM with a 2 year old. His mistress actually told him she stopped taking birth control.
My husband states he has broken off all ties; I have told him it is our family or part time dad to both children. I have no interest in this child . I am actually afraid I may hurt this baby.
These two selfish people do not realize the affects of their actions have on so many people. LIKE our child.
Everyday, I have to send my DH to his place of work knowing that he will see her; see her get pregnant.
He has shared our two most important intimacies making love and having a child.
They may actually deserve each other.
Any cheated on husbands 40 yr olds looking for a new wife? I come with an adorable daughter!
When I was reading your story it sounded like you were telling mine. My husband had an affair and I just recently found out because she called me. She called me because she hadn’t been able to get a hold of him for a few weeks so she wanted to get back at him for ignoring her. It turns out they have two sons together and over the last three years he has been spending time with her and giving her money because she threatened to tell me about it if he didn’t. I tell myself the kids are innocent but it doesn’t make it any less painful. He says he only slept with her on three occassions. I don’t know that I believe him but she corrobarates his time line. For the past three years when he would go over there he would just watch the kids etc while she did her thing. I asked her when she stopped sleeping with my husband and she gave me the same date he did.
Anyway, now here we are. I have two sons of my own with him and now there are four. What the hell am I supposed to do with that situation. I am the bad guy if I don’t ‘accept’ the kids because they are just kids. Everyone seems to forget how they came about. I am so angry and confused. This is our 20th year of marriage. Will I ever be happy again? Can it happen or should I just leave? These questions swirl in my had all the time. He thinks I should get over it and move on since he has apologized and has no interest at all in this woman. be that as it may, they are co-parenting. AHHHHHHHHHH!!!
i am turning 30yrs this sat. and i met i thought, my soulmate, in 2003. we were inseperatable for approx 1yr. he then cheated on me, he stated at the time that he doesnt know why he did what he did and that he is ridiculously stupid. keep in mind this was on going for 1yr plus until i actually found out. i found out because we ended up wking together needless to say it wasnt plesant. all in all i was depressed and extremely unhappy during my employment ( i was binded by contract and could not quit) i managed to keep myself together to get the job done, during the course of our employment after he told so many lies he ended up marrying her in 2005, i had no idea, call me naiive but i didnt know nor was i tending to his buisness but he was “trying” to mend things between us at the same time. Essentially he was leading a double life.. later part of 2005 i found out they had been married for 1yr. funny 1yr seems to be the magic # with him. anyway he then was telling me this and that.. & i wasnt in a position to really deal with anything nor anyone much less his pile of mess he created.. so i cut ties with him to some degree because he owes for a past bill approx $5000.00 which he still making regular payments on. one day he tells me all the “right” stuff ie divorce etc. keep in mind i was distant, ashamed and every other miserable feeling possible…only to find out in 2007 he had a baby with his wife which was 6mon old. which he did not tell me about i found out this along with everything else myself just to find out that i was 2 mon along myself under the impression that everything was settled and finalized when in reality nothing was done nor ever was. i dont understand how someoneone could cause such devastation and continue to do so but taking partial blame because i allowed this to continue not in my favor. to tie this up i did not have a child with him. but the point being is why in the world would someone even lower themselves to that degree. maybe im naiive yet again but to me there was never love to start with. people use love so loosely and i dont think that people including myself really dont understand the true meaning of what that feeling is. love is not something that is expressed by words but by actions. love is a label and thought that is conjured and attached to this “feeling” we as humans are built with. maybe this is all a bad dream that we cannot awake from. so to end this drama, i ended up having to get “professional” help and placed on several medications to cope with everything which, i am still taking. i dont agree with it but at this time this is the only way that i am able to function in a somewhat dignified way. its such a shame that this is what it has led to but, i am optimistic that i will be stronger for future issues that im sure will arise.
I, too, am sorry for what you are going through. I know the pain all too well that comes with it. Me decision to break ties with this now 20 year old girl, and asking my husband to do the same, has been met with disagreement by some. However, noone I know has walked in these shoes. I was quite alright with my husband having a relationship with her until the lies started. She quite obviously wanted to cause trouble..probably get rid of me..She, and her mother intruded into our lives..My husband knew about her for 17 years and chose not to have a relationship. The mother allowed other men to support her and her daughter. She then threatened my husband that if he didn’t see her..well, you know the rest. I was not going to live under anyone’s threats, especially a woman that could do something like this. I do not feel it is my responsibility to look after, or tend to this girl in any area. Had she come into our lives as the visitor she was, she may have been met differently. My husband’s family, or his son, which is this girl’s half-brother, want nothing to do with this situation. Sad for the girl, but I believe her Mother should never have put her in a situation like this..As for your husband, and your feelings, I think my first e-mail said it all..I do not believe something like this is ever repaired..It may be patched but for me there is always another trigger..sometimes months in between. My husband, like most men, feel it has been talked about and that’s it..We did receive professional help but he wasn’t honest there either. I believe there is still alot I don’t know. My statement that I don’t care much about it anymore is quite accurate. I don’t trust my husband and he has never done anything to remedy that, I don’t love him in the way I once did, and, whether he knows it or not, I am a very different woman with him than I once was..I don’t do things with him that I don’t want to do, don’t go places now that I once did, just to please him..Maybe time will help you as well..These things aren’t anything that I’ve worked on to make happen, they just did..Counsellors can talk about repairing a marriage, or a betrayal all they want. The bottom line is you need to have 2 honest, willing people to make that happen..Not someone who thinks it’s been “talked about” and that is the end of it..My husband still says to me 3 years later, “I can’t believe you’re asking that, or still thinking about that.” I believe it will be a forever thing..When a foundation cracks it can be repaired, but never quite the same..This is how I have had to cope to keep from losing my mind.
husband had a child with another woman he worked with. He is 45 years old I am 51. We have been married for 20 years.He helped me raise my two daughters from a previous marriage since my youngest was two. We have no children together but have had a great marriage. The woman he had a child with is also married and has 4 children. I found out about the affair when she was 5 months pregant.I tried for a year and a half to make our marriage work I even attcepted his son in to our home when ever he wanted to see him,but the dishonesty never stopped.He was always on the computer or the phone when I wasn’t around.It got to the point where he was emailing her when I was in another room in the house.He blamed me that he was under so much stress because I was always checking on him so he moved out and in with her.She also left her husband and 3 children.The pain sometimes feels unbearable because I am still in love with him.
I found out 2 months ago that in 1988 my husband had an affair with a 20 yr old college student. I was 30 and we had been married for 7 years and had a 1 yr old child. According to both, the affair last 6-8 weeks. He brought her to my home a few times when I was at my mothers. She said she broke it off, he says he did. They stayed in touch for the next 9 yrs, off and on. She lived in another state. But did not see or sleep with each other. In 1997, i was out of town with my children and they spent the weekend together at our cabin. Apparently, she got pregnant. She was married at the time, and apparently slept with someone else that samed weekend! She told my husband that she was pregnant but he did not believe the child was his. in 2005 I found a naked email of her and a pic of the child, i didnt know what I had found. Apparently her marriage was on the rocks and she wanted my husband to admit the child was his. He did not. In 2007 she divorced, and her ex is paying child support etc. She started blackmailing my husband and for 2 years he paid her close to $3000. In Feb he told her no more $$$ so she called me to tell me about the affair to get back at him. . She called me and told me everything. She does not want to rock the boat and is content to leave the situation with her child and ex as is. All I have is her word that my husband is the father. She has called my husband 2x since she told me about the affair, but has not left any mesages. He is suppose to tell me if she calls, but i dont know if he will, he hates all the emtional drama. So, I dont know what the future will bring. My husband feels we have talked about it all and refuses to discuss it with me anymore. I do not think she will make contact again, unless she needs $$$, and he is so angry with her, i do not think he would sleep with her. This has been going on for 20 years. And I really dont know what to do. Its been 12 years since he slept with her, so, how do I cope? Its like a bad movie.
To the anonymous poster before me I am truly sorry for what you are going through but I do have to disagree to some extent. My husband had an affair while we were still dating and I didnt find out about it until after we were married. The women texted his phone and I called her back only to find out they had been together while we were dating she thought they were still together had no clue about me or that we got married. They had not slept together according to both of them since the first few months we had been dating beacuse he moved 600 miles away from her to where I lived. I did however in that same phone call found out they had a child together and she got pregnant after him and I were dating and the child was born right before our wedding. I am still going through all the emotions it has been a few years now that I have known of the affair we have yet to get any outside help and I’m pretty sure we’ve taken all the wrong steps in fixing the relationship so I’m honestly at times not sure if its to late or not for the relationship to be fixed successfully and to become a healthy relationship. One thing I would like to add is I’ve never asked him not to see his child and I don’t believe a child should have to suffer because of the mistakes and feelings of the adults they need all the love and nurturing in the world. I do believe its possible to move on and repair a relationship if it’s done properly and the marriage and partners are strong enough. I have tried being civil to the “other woman” for the sake of the child but obviously she hates me I have tried supporting my husband in whatever decision he makes with the child and offered him to bring her to our home to visit so he can spend time with her and she has time with her dad she is still little she needs that relationship. I would gladly welcome her with open arms I have bought clothes and presents and mailed them to her I have even discussed with my husband adding her to our health insurance so that she is always taken care of. I hold nothing against a child that wasn’t asked to be brought into the world let alone this disaster caused by the adults. The biggest problem is my husband has continuously lied to me about a bunch of different things even the little “white lies” so it just never lets the trust come back. He doesnt really have any contact with the child because the mother is one of those I’ll use the child as a reason to see you type of people. She always wants to call him or write him and say she wants to talk about the child then talks about whatever she feels like and just holds the child over his head. Then my husbands family blames me and think that I tell him he can’t see the child which is completely false and he desnt stand up and say it’s his choice and defend me to his family telling them it is me who pushes him to have her in his life. I really would love someones comments and some help I am so torn apart by the whole situation, the cheating, the length of time with no help, the child, the trust everything and really have nowhere to turn.
3 years ago my husband claimed to have just found out about a child he fathered 17 years prior, long before I ever knew him.He met with the mother, and girl behind my back, took a DNA test behind my back and made arrangements to see her once a week, all behind my back. I was devastates when he told me and my first instinct was to leave him. In the ensuing months, I discovered he had known about the girl her whole life long but chose to ignore her.To make a long story short, I the young girl tried to cause trouble between my husband and myself by telling each of us lies..I have know totally rejected her and I have asked my husband to do the same..He says he has cut off all ties, but I don’t believe him..3 years later my feelings for him have changed dramatically, trust has never been re-built, and I believe he is deceitful. I truly don’t care what he does. She will never be in my home, or part of our life while we are together..If we end up not together..well.. I’m ok with that. The whole situation has made me feel dirty, and has given me a true perspective on who my husband is. Why do I stay? I have a good life, no financial worries, I travel often. Something like this never goes away. For men who are not honest with their wives..you are probably living with a woman who feels much the same as I do. I feel a deceit like this can never be fully repaired, and your wife probably always looks at you with some degree of distaste..Not what I would want for my life, but, YOU made it happen. I am at a place where it all doesn’t have the same meaning anymore..My husband, whether he knows it or not, has lost me. I’m there physically, but there are many things that have changed for him that I’m sure he doesn’t like, and wishes he had done differently. I truly feel a man and a woman that go on after something like this, go on for reasons other than love, and trust. I know I have.