What’s playing in your mind today? Is it the same thing that played there yesterday? And do you really look forward to seeing it again tomorrow?
I’m talking about obsessive, post-affair images. If you are the victim of an affair, it’s highly likely that you’re experiencing a non-stop show of images that include your spouse and your spouse’s paramour. These images play themselves repeatedly, until you feel like you’re going to lose your mind.
These images become obsessive in nature, because they’ve gripped you and you can’t seem to release their hold over you. In this blog, we’ll look at the #1 way to overcome these obsessive images—and the three steps to help you accomplish it.
Filling in the Affair Details with Fantasy
You may not have received any specific details about the intimacy between your spouse and their paramour. Unfortunately, your mind is filling in those blanks.
This filling in of details is pure fantasy. Intellectually, you know they aren’t based on any foundation of fact. And yet, this fantasy script is playing over and over, and it seems very real—almost as if you’re playing an actual reel of events.
This fantasy script can play a wide range of scenes, such as:
- The spouse in an intimate setting with the paramour.
- Your spouse gazing adoringly at the paramour.
- The paramour with a perfect body.
- Your spouse, looking happy and content as they share a meal and a laugh with the paramour.
Once these images begin to play, it’s hard to let them go. You may be drawn to letting them play over and over because you’re trying to figure things out: maybe you’ll see something in these images which will make everything clear. It could solve the riddle of why your spouse decided to cheat, or what the paramour’s appeal was, or how your spouse really felt about what they were doing.
At the same time, you wonder why you can’t control this awful fantasy script from playing throughout your days and into your nights. While you may be drawn to these images on one level, on an entirely different level, you know how damaging it is to your self-esteem and your peace of mind, and the cost is a serious emotional toll that you’re taking.
Ultimately, you feel powerless in the face of these obsessive images that have taken over your mind.
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Obsessive Images: Take Creative License
Understand something: the mind is very powerful. Think of all the things in the world that started out as a simple idea. But what the mind can create, it can also manipulate.
When it comes to the fantasy script, you are the one who decides if it’s welcome to come at will, or if you’re shutting down the theater. All of those obsessive images have power over you only if you tell yourself that they really represent reality. And since you created these images, you’re also free to create different images to replace them or recreate the ones that won’t seem to let go.
So, the number one thing you can do? Manipulate the images that have such a hold on you. Here are three steps to help you accomplish this:
Step 1: Schedule the Next Screening
Right now, you’re experiencing images showing up whenever they happen to appear. This contributes to your feeling of being powerless in the fact of them.
So, tell yourself that you’ll be viewing them at a certain time, and that you are only giving them a specific block of time to play.
Step 2: Prepare for a Private Screening
Set aside a period of time that you can sit quietly by yourself without interruption. Find a spot where you can be alone, and also be able to relax. This is your “private screening” area, where you have chosen to allow the images to be shown. Start the reel going.
Step 3: Play with the Fantasy Script
You authored this script, so you have a right to edit it, as well. As the director, you can decide to put it in color or black and white; you can show it forwards, or run it backwards. You can costume the participants in any clothing you want, including masks that make them look like pigs or alligators.
What you’re doing here is feeling the power that you ultimately have over these images, and proving to yourself that these images are just a figment of your own creative imagination. Once you’ve toyed with the images, they begin to lose their power—because they are within your creative control.
It will take time to loosen the grip of obsessive images, but keep replaying these steps until you no longer desire a private screening of this fantasy script.
My best wishes for you as you break free from obsessive images.
How would you describe the images that have come to you after the affair?
What affect have these obsessive images had on your quality of life and ability to move forward? Have they lessened with time, or strengthened?
Do you feel powerless to control the fantasy script?
Please share your thoughts and experiences regarding obsessive images by leaving a comment below.
Wishing you hope and healing for your marriage,
Stephanie Anderson
Editor-in-Chief
Marriage Sherpa
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So I found out 3weeks ago my spouse was having an affaire we have been together for 7 years we have 8 kids 6 girls 2 boys ranging from 18-1yr . I started reading this wed sight to maybe make me feel a bit better. I had a feeling he was doing something so I placed a recording device in his car for 2 weeks that’s how I found out . Initially my intention was to leave him I never thought he would ever do this to me maybe I was living a lie for all these years the girl is 20 yrs old I am 37 he’s 35 so you can imagen the pictures and thoughts that go through my head daily every hour every second of the day I feel like I’m experienceing a death in my heart. I made him call her in front of me to tell her it was over he begged and pleaded for me not to leave him not to put our kids through it but I’m like YOU!!! Did this so I gave in but every day it’s a struggle I’m not happy in this relationship emosonally and sexaully and haven’t been for quite some time not & I didn’t go fill that void with another man . I am a good woman who stays home to take care of the kids for 1 yr now I have always waited on my man hand and foot always trying to please him and this is the thanks I get I don’t know how to move on and get the images out my mind I want to call her to see if he still talks to he but is that wrong. I just don’t know what to do anymore
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Thursday, May 12, 2011
Dead Marriages Do Come Back To Life!
The hand of the LORD was upon me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the LORD and set me in the middle of a valley;
it was full of bones.
He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry.
He asked me, “Son of man, can these bones live?”
I said, “O Sovereign LORD, you alone know.”
Then he said to me, “Prophesy to these bones and say to them, ‘Dry bones, hear the word of the LORD!
This is what the Sovereign LORD says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.
I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin;
I will put breath in you, and you will come to life.
Then you will know that I am the LORD.’” Ezekiel 37:1-6
Is your marriage dead in the eyes of your spouse? Do all your friends and loved ones see you hurting so badly that they want you to get on with your life?
What has the Lord been speaking to your heart?
Yes, in those darkest hours of your life when you feel like you cannot cry anymore.
Your heart is hurting so badly that it feels like it is going to explode and you have had thoughts that you wished you were dead.
What is God speaking to your heart?
I know that God is speaking one special message to you that you may not believe right now.
“I love you. I will never leave or forsake you. Turn to Me for your hope.
Seek Me for doing My will and way for your life and marriage.
Nothing is too hard for Me. I can restore your dead marriage.”
I know that you love to hear personal testimonies about dead marriages being restored by the power of our mighty, awesome God.
We were thrilled and privileged that Jim and Sherry were able to share their testimony for the first time at our Bible Study last year.
They went through a lot of trials and tribulations in their marriage including a child dying of cancer and Jim becoming an alcoholic.
They were divorced for six years. But God! God had another plan and purpose for this couple in resurrecting a totally dead marriage, when both had given up on ever getting back together.
We recorded their testimony that evening to show God’s mighty power in restoring another marriage.
I mention this teaching, “God Heals Hurting and Dead Marriages!” today as I know that you may need hope because of the hopeless circumstances that you are facing today.
I pray that you will throw away the “time” card that the enemy keeps tormenting you with, as nothing is too hard for the Lord to do in breathing new life into your dead marriage in His perfect timing as He did for Jim and Sherry.
Tonight read Ezekiel 37 for your devotions.
You will be blessed. The Lord gave this scripture to me over 25 years ago.
God spoke to my heart and said, “Your husband and the courts say your marriage is dead, but I am going to breathe new life into it.”
What is the Lord saying to you? Will you listen, believe and stand firm until the Lord resurrects your dead marriage by breathing new life into both of you?
By the power of the Spirit of God, Ezekiel sees in a vision a valley full of dry bones.
The bones represent “The whole house of Israel.”
The vision was given to assure the exiles who were in captivity that they would be restored by God’s power in spite of their hopeless circumstances.
God instructed Ezekiel to prophesy to the bones.
The vision was to give them hope and encouragement in spite of their present circumstances.
Ezekiel was revealing to the Israelites that they would be raised back to life and be able to go back to their promised land.
They would, also have a spiritual restoration of their faith.
Today ask the Holy Spirit to speak to your heart as you read this chapter in the Bible.
You may want to read this as an allegory to your marriage.
Allow the Holy Spirit to breathe on you faith, hope, trust and God’s resurrection power to bring life back to things that appear to be dead!
Your Lord God wants to show the world His mighty power for God to get all the glory, honor and praise when your marriage is raised back to life again.
“So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone.
I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them.
Then he said to me, ‘Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it, ‘This is what the Sovereign LORD says: Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe into these slain, that they may live.’
So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet—a vast army.
Ezekiel 37:7-10
Your marriage, just like approximately 50 percent of all marriages around the world, is dried up, hopeless, with no life or love in the marriage.
Married couples are play acting, trying to survive, and their hearts and emotions are screaming inside with pain, hurt or rejection.
Many consider their marriage dead and hopeless.
Then one spouse decides to divorce. At least one parent does not realize what they are doing to their children for their entire life.
We know because now we are working with standers who were raised in a single parent home and do not know how to love their spouse unconditionally or how to communicate properly with their husband or wife. God hates divorce for many reasons.
If someone were to write a book, telling every hurting couple what to do to reignite their love as it was at the beginning of their marriage, how long would the line be to buy that book?
Jesus Christ is the answer! God has written a manual called the Bible with His instructions regarding marriage and so many other topics.
The church is the Critical Care Unit for both husbands and wives’ hearts to be healed, resurrected, love rekindled and reignited and then filled with unconditional love for each other.
Do you believe in God’s awesome mighty power?
How big is your God?
Does everyone say to you, “Your marriage is dead, get over it, and move on?”
Your marriage may appear to be dead right now.
Yes, I had a big flashing “D” on my forehead saying it was dead!
But God! That is right, “BUT , GOD!” said, “Trust Me. Have faith!
Don’t give up. I will restore your marriage.
I will breathe new life back into your marriage in spite of ALL your circumstances! Believe in me!”
I had to make a choice that day. I chose to believe and cried out for my husband’s heart, eyes and ears to hear the Lord’s voice and to hear and see God’s truths to set Bob free from Satan’s prison of sin.
I kept praising and thanking the Lord in advance for what He was doing on the other side of our mountain of divorce and him planning a wedding with the other person.
I trusted my Lord even when it seemed impossible.
The Holy Spirit CAN breathe new life into your marriage, regardless of the condition it is in today.
I pray that these verses below will become like a “rhema word” for you personally. Your Lord God wants to show His mighty power to you and everyone around you!
“Therefore prophesy and say to them: ‘This is what the Sovereign LORD says: O my people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them;
I will bring you back to the land of Israel. Then you, my people, will know that I am the LORD, when I open your graves and bring you up from them.
I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the LORD have spoken, and I have done it, declares the LORD.’”
Ezekiel 37:12-14
Will you start praying that the Holy Spirit will move and speak to your husband/wife and thousands of prodigals around the world to come to their senses and surrender their lives to the Lord Jesus Christ?
Will you pray in agreement with thousands of other standers every day that the Holy Spirit will breathe new life into dead marriages and new life into all spouses who are living in sin?
Right now prodigal spouses are slaves to their own sinful lifestyle, but suddenly the Lord will call their name and they will be set free.
There is freedom in Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.
May God have a mighty harvest every day of the week.
Remember, we were REMARRIED on a Wednesday!
Expect your miracle to happen any day of the week!
“…’This is what the Sovereign Lord says:
I will take the Israelites out of the nations where they have gone. I will gather them from all around and bring them back into their own land.
I will make them one nation in the land, on the mountains of Israel. There will be one king over all of them and they will never again be two nations or be divided into two kingdoms.
They will no longer defile themselves with their idols and vile images or with any of their offenses, for I will save them from all their sinful backsliding, and I will cleanse them.
They will be my people, and I will be their God.’”
Ezekiel 37:21-24
Be blessed,
Charlyne Steinkamp
Rejoice Marriage Ministries, Inc.
Bob and Charlyne Steinkamp met and married in the sixties in Pompano Beach, Florida where they still live today. They are the parents of three children and the grandparents of seven, all living locally. Previously, Bob was a funeral director and Charlyne had a successful career in medical office administration.
Things were not always blissful for this couple.
They separated several times and finally divorced in 1985 after 19 years of marriage.
[ He was in an adulterous affair at the time and planning to marry the other woman.]
Two years later, in response to the prayers of a wife who had refused to give up on a prodigal husband, Bob and Charlyne were remarried, to the glory of God, who restored their marriage.
Smytee, You hit the nail on the head! I agree with you 100%. I learned no need to frustrate myself with asking or seeking out answers on my own. It happened, I can’t change that and it truly was for all the reasons you stated. And that’s why he can’t remember, and doesn’t want to talk about it. He messed up big time and knows it. He wanted his cake and to eat it too. He got his ego puffed up by some little girl who knew how to manipulate him with sextexting. It was so exciting for him, he went insane really. She was relentless. I saw letters he wrote her asking her to stop because it was just too wrong and too much for him to handle. She responded with, she did not want to stop, she wanted him to come over and live the fantasies they had been playing out. She had every reason to play him the way she did. He was her boss and it gave her control. He was under her spell and once in the situation no turning back. He became more and more obsessed and deluded himself that he would not get caught. Well he was eventually fired. They said it was a budget issue, but they knew they had a problem on their hands. It was out of control. After he left the company she still wanted to be friends. Why not? When she needed new tires or was out of money for groceries for her and her baby, (whom she has no idea who the father is), or just plain bored cause the man she really loved was also married and unavailable so she had many nights alone. She wanted a friend with benefits and my husband thought he died and went to heaven. He still thought I would never find out, it had gone on for over a year and I never dreamed of it. But when I found out the fun was over and the fantasies are all he has to hold on to now. He tried to make me feel it was my fault, that I could not compete with her. Oh my gosh, not my fault and though I am 20 years older than she is, I have much more to offer. She is a minimum wage line cook and sorry to say very homely; bad teeth and all. I am attractive, a college graduate, a professional, and mother of 3 great young men. I did not have to sit around crying for long. I had many friends who were encouraging me to leave and some wonderful men who wanted to be in a relationship with me. I was not ready and wanted to try to work things out first. We are trying, but funny as time goes on, I feel kinda sorry for him. I try to put it in perspective since we’ve been married 25 years and chalk it up as temporary insanity. But, he has his work cut out for him to make the changes he has nneded to make for a long time anyway. So, it can be the best thing that happened. One way or another, it will all work out. The pain and anguish I felt was my ego being crushed, he is pretty darn humiliated as well. Will we get through this? I think so, but I see him through different eyes now. I have upped my standards for what I will accept from him, where before he got away with a lot. Will he be able to rise to the occasion? So far he has and I think he will. But, we”ll see. For now we take it day by day. And, I refuse to spend one more day obsessing on the phone records and trying to imagine what they were fantasizing about or comparing myself in the bedroom to her. I wasted enough time doing that and it got me nowhere but on a downhill slide. Now I wonder what was I thinking? You are right I will not give her any more power over our lives. She caused enough damage already.
The images of what may have happened don’t play as much as the images of what my ex-daughterin-law and husband (he is my son’s stepfather, and 25 years older than the ex-daughter-in-law) told me happened. She was supposedly the last fling of maybe 5 or 6 or… So how do you get rid of those images. They happened approximately 2 years ago and she let me know 10 days ago. I confronted my husband with her, I appreciated her coming forward, and he confessed to the others that I had hunches about. I am in so much pain, hurt, what do I do? I am numb inside and don’t know if I can ever trust him again, or feel comfortable with him. He is very charismatic, grew up in this small town, knows everyone, and did this to me on the basis of an insane jealousy of an event that happened at least 6 to 7 years before we were even a couple. And because of that jealousy ( or hurt as he puts it) he did what he did. Jealousy. What an evil. And that is what he is blaming so much of this on. His jealousy. Because my brother visited me. Because I had meetings with my father (family owned business). I just don’t know.
Good point SUSAN .
What we have is ‘fantasy ‘ what we WANT it truth !
That is difficult to get the WS to supply
The ‘I don’t know’ is really frustrating .
I believe we all can agree we both can remember OUR relationship all the way back to the beginning ..even after 20 , 30 , 40 years~!
Some people can even remember baseball scores ! Come ON hubby …how about it!
Sigh …some days we just have to take a break and let it go ..
What is good is that the triggers ..may be daily even now [ 4 yrs ] but less …they are stupider …since she is pathetic…and actually has been in therapy for many many years….
SOme people just cannot figure out that they are their own problem and getting into someone elses marriage is not going to help but compound the problem !
Hope you can get some answers dear….it is a long haul ..but why switch people NOW …we have already spent a lot of time and effort on our spouse …and breaking in a ‘new one’ seems like a lot more like “fantasy” to ME!
smiling here but not too patient some days .
I read the “marriage sherpa” and can’t figure out how they put out some of this info which makes little sense. Reading all of the comments reflects JUST THE OPPOSITE of what this article proclaims is the solution.
This fantasy script can play a wide range of scenes, such as:
1.The spouse in an intimate setting with the paramour.
2.Your spouse gazing adoringly at the paramour.
3.The paramour with a perfect body.
4.Your spouse, looking happy and content as they share a meal and a laugh with the paramour.
Now do any of us actually think this is a fantasy script…..or the real script of what happened. We all know this is WHAT happened so why are we calling it our fantasy script. Of course our spouse had these feelings…..They shared meals enjoying each others company and conversation, they were turned on by the OW body, they wanted to spend all the time they had with the OW, they had intimate meetings and exciting anticipation of the next sexual experience with the “new” love.
So what does the Marriage Sherpa think our spouse did with the OW……sit and twiddle their thumbs? I don’t get why they think this is a fantasy script since we all know that the spouse pursued this OW BECAUSE they were experiencing the fantasy….and it was this script….So now that it’s out in the open that this is how they felt about the OW…..that’s what we need to know….we’ve been “pretending” long enough that NOTHING was happening…or it was not real….then it drops in our laps and this is EXACTLY how they felt and what they did….so what do we do now!!
DEAR TASHA
He is presently PRACTICING infidelity and knows YOU know?
HE NEEDS HELP and YOU NEED SUPPORT ….
May you find the strength to seek it out …a confrontation and intervention when he finally appears is probably going to at least give you some leverage and help
I am so sorry for this kind of wickedness being laid upon you but YOU have the justified position to protect yourself .
This is not to say divorce…necessarily …but if HE LEAVES you, it is good for you to reconcile….if you are a follower of the LORD it advises if an unbeliever departs you are no longer BOUND>…yet if you want to reconcile and you continue to follow after the truth IN the WORD …not peoples opinions …
Then you may see a reversal …
People have to make the change within …to DESIRE to change
Sometimes consequences will do work IN them …for good ..some times it just drives them further into justifying and rationalizing …as we all see.
Every time my husband of more then 20 years was flying to China to see his very young ‘concubine’ Lili (every two-three months during whole year after the affair was discovered) I was ill.
The images were not images but the reality in front of me: them walking holding hands, he hugs her, they are in bed, they are smiling and laughing…
Millions, every second during his stay with her over there for 1 or 1,5 months, day and night
The most painful, phisycal was at the time of their evening (starting from afternoon our time) This will come as skin irritation all over my body – like a clock. I will check the time – correct, this is the evening in China for them to cuddle each other
It is most horrible memmory for me even now , 5 years after discovery. And surprising one – how close we have been to each other, for me to feel his emotions from so far away….Devastating…
He is with her now – he brought her to the UK, we are not divorced.
I don’t feel this anymore (took a year for this sharp stage of pain on my skin to go away slowly…) And a lot of work and help from people around me to save my life…
It has been 16 months since I found out. It has been over for a year before that, but he still sees her 2-3 times a week, as she is a manager in one of his “accounts”, and is indeed the only one for him to deal with when he goes there for his job. This makes it much harder, as this person is not totally in the past, even though I believe it is over. My husband is very remorseful etc., but the one thing that really gets me (besides all the things others have brought up, images, knowing the great attraction we had has been repeated with someone else, making it “not special” anymore, knowing he was saying all these things to get her in bed, then coming home & saying then to me, plus (flattery, dinners, etc.) The thing that gets to me is how much easier it is for them to move on…they had the attention, the flattery, the extra sex, the ego trip, etc., but we are just supposed to “suck it up” and ignore the many times a day it comes to mind due to a tv show or movie theme, the news, a person that looks like the ow (in my case she is spanish and they are all over the place here in south florida. I run into dozens a day here in s. fl.) and I am a blonde, blue eyed american born lady. This is the part that gets to me….finally I have to suck it up and deal with it alone, as the bringing it up over & over again I know is destructive. But the shear unfairness of it all upsets me…and the fact that the “cheated on” person is boxed in a corner with only two bad choices; staying with a cheater who betrayed us, or walking away with nothing but a destroyed sense of trust for loving him for 24 years. I am now 56 years old, and wish it seemed easier to start over.. I didn’t get my ego fed, (quite the opposite) I didn’t get flattered or get adoring extra sex, or the rush and excitment of someone new…yet I am the one that gets stuck with these decisions. It’s a bitch!
@zombie, I know how you feel. My wife did the same, hotel and all.. Is she still with you, are you divorced?? I even understand about the job thing. I havent worked alot myself. Alot of it has to do with the economy, but the mind does wander while I am working too. I cant help but to think it affects my job. But it does get better. But dont be silent, talk about it, discuss it, you will soon learn alot of people have dealt with this same thing. It helps, it makes you fell better knowing it isnt just you. And its not your fault.
These are online so you do not have to call in or be on them …
It has been more than a year since I learned of my wife’s affair, and I still am having trouble dealing with it. Also, I have recently lost my career due to depression and lack of any motivation. I just can’t get the thoughts of them together out of my head. The images haunt me both day and sleepless night. I don’t know if I am strong enough to deal with this. Life seems so surreal, so hollow, so unfair. I have tried manipulating the images, but I know some of the truth, and it is those images that hurt the most. What she looked like driving to the hotel to meet him. How she looked at me when I confronted her about everything, and all the lies that followed. I feel used, broken, unrepairable, and lost within my own silence.
SMYTEE
Thanks for the link …I stayed up late to read some of the posts on there ….I don’t know why it seems to help some to read others are going through the same stuff….maybe because in the beginning noone knows what it is to go through it …
BOth the spouses begin to think ‘Hey , this is a little overthe top …and shouldn’t we be past this by now?”
It seems that there is something of a ‘pattern’ in HOW people recover emotionally …We alraady are familiar with the way it takes the body time to heal …but unless you have been hurt as deeply as this kind of betrayal does…you just have no idea
We do not display ourselves to the outside world for the most part…..we do not see it portrayed anywhere in truth in various media…..so the vulnerable and proactive adulterers seem to feel it is no big deal …that works for the influences of this world that benefit from this kind of sin
I have so many and various resources that divulge the horrific psyology of sinful acts generally born out of ignorance of what GOD reveals about sin …when a person is not informed of truth they generally view their feelings as substantial ‘reason’ to do whatever they ‘feel is right’
God says that the ‘way that seemeth right unto a man leads to death’ and so true that is .
The media encourages a lax view of sin
So does the present apostate view of scripture….
It facilitates evil .
The whole Bible reveals that man THINKS he is ‘just fine’ …
The definition from usage of the word ‘iniquity’ is lawlessness.
Jesus made a statement regarding this that should cause us all to revieiw our attitude abouit sin and law.
The doctrines that are most popular today …and I KNOW because I was once involved in one of the ministries that made the claim to be seriously bible research has sold many on the idea that Jesus paid it all ..and did it all
Extreme dispensationalism …which many who follow that are not even knowing that term nor where it arose from …tells people they do not have to concern themselves with OBEDIENCE…and they name it ‘works’
Jesus told us that we have to CONTINUE in his words…and to DO them …if we want to be considered his disciplies INDEED
We are to ‘finish the race’ , to fight the good fight until the end’
What does that mean?
How about ‘If you LOVE ME [ God} KEEP My commandments
Your wife is decieving herself AND she is promoting false doctrine by her claim that she is 'forgivein ' even as she continues to deliberately do things she KNOWS are SINFUL
"Him that knows to do good and does it not "it is sin'
This is a pretty simple measure of what is 'ok' and what is 'destructive'
The only law we are free from is the 'law of sin and death ' which law is IN our flesh ..our carnal mind.
She has swallowed a doctrine that allows sin ...and willful sin at that
Forgiveness and salvation are available to ALL WHO ARE WILLING
to RECEIVE it ..and APPLY it to living life .
To be 'saved' is to receive with MEEKNESS the engrafted word which is able to save ones soul '
Just as it is in the parable ..the 'seed' of the INCORRUPTABLE seed as the Bible tells us is HIS WORDS
He said that to have his WORD IN us and walk in it is to have HIS SPIRIT in us
TO have knowledge of the words ..random and taken out of context without concern for doing them is to cut oneself off from the power which works IN a person when they DO them ,
Grace means 'power'
It WORKS in those who DO what the Lord says ..then HE is their Lord INDEED
Jesus said FEW will enter in and MANY will approach HIM saying 'didn't we do mighty miracles in your name ' and HE will say to them "depart from me ye THAT WORK [DO] INIQUITY ..LAWLESSLY …I NEVER KNEW YOU.
That word “knew’ is the same one that also means ‘impregnate
The word of GOD is a SEED …SPIRIT …it brings forth the “Fruit’ of the new ‘birth ‘ WITHIN …SPIRIT
A person that has been sowing the word IN themselves in their thinking will then have it rise up to teach , reproof, correction…actually WELCOMING this input of wisdom from GOD
Those who are unlearned or do not apply themselves to seeking the Lord ..being concerned that they do NOT sin are in danger
The deception that if they do not experience consequences that it is a ‘blessing ‘ is error..>the Lord says that ‘THose whom I love I CHASTEN betimes.” ” If ye be without chastisment ye are ‘bastards’ …His words not mine …ARGH! That is scary
The person concerned about pleasing their Lord …and this is not about ‘buying ‘ their salvation …will not look for excuses or justifications for sinning
SIn hurts the person themselves as well as others
When we are HIS we are not looking to sin willfully ,….it is rebellion …the carnal …or unrenewed mind is ENMITY against the LORD ..does not know truth and those in rebellion reject truth to their own destruction
I only share this with you ..as you may already know this as you are following the Lord in study of scripture…but many who claim to be christians DO NOT know the WORD thus do not KNOW what it says for themselves and buy into whatever pleases their flesh …and that is very harmful
It also gives the Lord a poor rep among those who do not know Him ….they observe the way some who claim Him justify their sin and they think why bother with learning about CHrist when those who claim to be His are just as comfortable with sin as anyone else
I grieve for the years when I did not examine and live more according to what is wirtten overall but accepted what I was being taught
We cannot not take others word for what GOD says without any examination , there is too much working against living rightly from our own flesh …and from the majority of the ‘world ‘ around us
Your wife is mistaken in her attitude of allowing FOR sin ..making a PLACE for it ..and not keeping her temple [body] under subjection
This is not popular nor fun so it is not accepted nor appreciated by many because they fail to understand nor do they want to the ramifications not just HERE while they walk this earth but in the eternal existance where their SOUL will continue.
NOW for those who do not appreciate this topic…I was ANSWERING Smytee in regard to his wife’s thinking that she has no reason to oppose her incilnation to commit adultery because she is ‘forgiven’
SHe can be forgiven but if it in regard to biblical truth she has her part in the application of the salvation and forgiveness to her own life and actions that is important for her to realize.
WIllful unrestrained behavior that is identifiedd as sinful in the Bible is NOT randomly disregarded .else there would be no need to exhort people to STOP doing it ..or fight against their fleshly inclination to sin …and in fact there would be no need to ‘confess your sin ‘ and repent …or CHANGE .
Smytee your wife is in need of becoming meek to the SCRIPTURES and to seek out the truth …then apply it to her thinking …
We are all struggling against sin if we are concerned with pleasing our LORD ….
Those who are unconcerned about HIS lordship ..that is He has earned the right to direct our path through KNOWLEDGDE of him
not random ‘fatalism ‘ which in some circles passes for faith .
We are to STUDY to show ourselves approved UNTO HIM …HE bought us with a price …we are NOT our OWN …and thus HE has a right to direct us and HE being the ONLY GOOD …will do a much better job of helping us live a life that is fulfiling His LOVE than we ourselves BY ourselves can ever know .
I exhort you to keep on looking unto Him who is the author and FINISHER of our salvation .
It is not easy …that is why it is written that FEW there are that find the strait gate …and few continue unto the end of this earthly life…but we are MADE adiquate for the duration by HIM who has called us and not one will be lost.
We walk circumspectly ..redeeming the time for the days are evil …meaning that our daily life is challenging and full of tests that WE might SEE our needs and continue to grow …Leaning not upon our OWN understanding but in all things acknowledging Him and HE WILL DIRECT OUR PATHS .
I have seen in all this the areas I have need of His strength , forgiveness and help in the ways that this has hit my heart. I do not count myself to have it all together but I see more and more the way He is to be honored for the way HE behaved when HE was betrayed
I have more and more compassion even for those caught up in the sin of adultery because it is insidious…
BUT encouragment ….”Where sin abound GRACE did much MORE abound
“Grace’ actually means POWER >..it is the ability to overcome…to apply GRACE to our lives is to press into OBEDIENCE by way of HIS POWER …which when you KNOW this …makes you more able to oppose the sinful inclinations that our flesh tries to convince us is ‘ok’
” because we are forgiven’ …
That attitude is deadly ..we ARE forgiven ..But to continue in sin is to deny that the LORD is powerful to work IN us to help us overcome the powerful feelings that drive us to obey sin in the flesh ‘
IF your wife is desiring to be HIS she does the LORD little honor to insist upon her own way . It does not give a platform to display HIS power IN her TO HERSELF to disregard obeying and applying His lordship to this aspect of her life
I know this struggle …even as the offended spouse…I too have to apply the way GOD says to behave in response to this trial
FOrgiveness from the hurt spouse is an ongoing acting upon the WORD …we do not neglect confronting sin in our own minds and lives nor do we allow our spouse to continue without warning them about the ultimate destruction their choices are making
Love does not allow someone to continue in anything harmful to themselves and even man’s law demands some restraint so that others are not harmed
Avoiding conflict by neglecting a loving exposition of what sin does and is doing in a life is not love
Love exposes sin …to ourselves ..by way of his WORDS. ..
The fact that those IN and enjoying sin do not like it does not change the fact that it is LOVE by God’s definition and demonstration
Patting a person on the back and saying ‘you just go play ‘ when they need a wake up intervention is what GOD actually does with the consciece and the consequences that sin brings about …
If a person willfully continues in their sinful choices then they will receive what they sow …and that is eventually GOING to come up ..a crop of sorrow and suffering
Unfortunately none of us live in a bubble …and the closer our relationship to someone the more we suffer for their selfish behavior ..
Keep on doing what you find to do from within the scripture …we may as well endure suffering for a season …for the Lord’s sake …since we all suffer in this world to some degree one way or another
Joy is still grown out of the soil that is ‘turned’ and made ready to receive the seeds of life from the Sower…
To: Never felt such pain…
It is difficult and answers will always be hard to come by as in some cases, they don’t even know what made them do it. I really believe they blank out part of that.
There is a forum I found called http://www.survivinginfidelity.com
It is great with lots of activity. The have a few different sections including ‘just found out’ to ‘the wayward side’. The latter are actually postings by wayward who finally woke up and are trying to help us betrayed by explaining the craziness that lead them to their wacky ways to help us betrayed spouses get though this crap.
It can be enlightening. I made some nice online contacts where we have shared stories and help keep each other lifted up. I heard stories of a hubby kicking his professional, attractive wife to the curb and taking up with some trailer trash who was less attractive, socially inept, etc. Why, why why???
For guys, it tends to be ‘flattery’. Not to be surface, but for some of us men, a woman who is a 4″ can become an “8″ in our eyes as they are able stroke our delicate/shallow egos. For some women, some have stated they felt empowered or renewed or made to feel like “themselves” again by their affair partners as if we hubbys sucked the life and vitality out of them.
It might be worth a look. At least they talk about their mindsets. I still don’t get it and I would never do to her what was done to me. I am worried more about my salvation/conscious, etc. Need to be able to look at myself in the mirror.
Plus to the point of the thread, we have to stop elevating these affair persons as better that us, more attractive than us, smarter than us, etc. It simply isn’t true. We are giving power to folks who do not deserve it. IT is our spouses who are sick, twisted and looking for something that they cannot find within themselves. We have to remember that.
To Hope in the morning….
To say the flesh is weak is something. I really think that for some waywards who are spiritually inclined (mine is, she constantly uses ‘slogan’ like God is good, all the time. talks of prayer during personal trial and tribulations, etc). She could quote a scripture if her life depended on it. Maybe “Jesus wept”
I think they (waywards) actually think in terms of Gods grace and forgiveness. That perspective leave them thinking (incorrectly) that God will forgive them of sin, period no matter what so they count on that and keep up the activities. What they don’t understand is that while God may forgive, that doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences to those actions.
You may apologize for stealing or killing and be sincere about it, but that does not stop Judge Judy/Mathis from throwing you in prison.
I am trying to have faith that this situation will resolve itself with a marriage renewed, but I am slowing coming to conclude that the resolution may be “no longer married to her”. Once I overcome the fear that I will not find someone else, of being alone I will be much better off.
I want to have a good marriage but I love her enough to let her go… and maybe she can go live the life she dreams of. And I wouldn’t have to see the carnage she has coming. That would be best for all….. (except her)
Smytee
IT SOUNDS TO ME LIKE HE WANTS HIS CAKE AND EAT IT TOO. DIVORCE IS COSTLY. AFFAIRS ARE FUN FOR A SEASON. SO HE DON’T WANT TO MESS UP THE SECRET EXCITMENT. GET JAMES DOBSONS BOOK LOVE MUST BE TOUGH. IT HELPED ME.
I keep going over and over things in my head but its not images of then together, its the things they did, the fact they went to our special places, the things my husband bought her that were so personal when all I get is practical gifts! Jealousy? Yes but it makes me feel sick that he could love someone else and lie to me and continue to lie about it. I don’t trust him, he says I need to get over it and won’t talk to me about it and he makes it sound like I am mad for wanting to check up on him and get things clear in my head so much so that I really don’t know what I should be doing anymore and i’m wondering if I should just call it quits. He says he loves me and wants to be with me but I know he loves the ow and I know they still text. I saw a message the other day with a page full of kisses. He swears it wasn’t to her and that it was a shared joke with one of his friends but there were similar situations when he was having the affair so I don’t believe him. I don’t understand if he loves her why if won’t go and be with her, we don’t have kids but do share a house but if he loves me is it unreasonable for me to expect him to ignore her and to be share everything with me or is that an invasion on his privacy? I would really appreciate if a cheator could reply so I can try and understand this from the other side as I feel completely lost at the moment. Thank you
Wow, who are you? Your words have given me strength and I’m sure you have given strength to others. Thank you! I am good about talking with God, His light is what ALWAYS gets me through. I have been allowing visuals to occur on my schedule and the visions have changed — thanks to you.
It has been 6 years now since I found out that my wife has had and still is having affairs. It was nice to hear that I am not alone in having this problem of the affairs playing over and over every day in my mind. Blessed are the poor in spirit is what Jesus tells us in Matthew… my faith is stronger that ever due to my brokeness. I am not aloud to speak one word of her infidelity. I know that our lives are but a blink of an eye and that we need to look to the eternity after our lives are over… we need to prepare for this. I do nothing because I still have children under 18. I just keep my eyes on Jesus throughout this endless storm or desert. but the tape recorder always wants to play over and over again every day. My soul weeps for my family and the brokeness.
Dear MIGHTY SMYTEE…sounds like you are really making the effort ….I still wonder even with the knowliedge of the Word how people do what they do …with THEIR eyes wide open
The excuse of compartmentalization is weak ..it is ‘the double minded man is unstable in all his ways ‘ thing.
I also understand how sin …willful sin opens the door to many types of things that will take control …and GOD will allow people to come to the end of themselves…
Some types of abused in childhood cause people to be opened up to other things too.
What a mess we arein …but GOD has provided the power of his WORD when we obey it ..follow it …
Presently ..today I am challenged as more hurtful words…then apologies. ..but the worst is the unanswered questions.
We are still married 30+ years and so much of the life that GOD intended for us was wasted as he sought to live his life outside of marriage …though had a very skillful smoke screen up ..
The things I want to know are continuing …the hardest …his choice to give her children …and then basically be a husband to her ..and a father to them at ALL of our expense.
He told me he tried to avoid doing things with her he did with me ….I wonder WHAT those things could possibliy be!
Thanks Gloryinthemorning.
I have only minor hope at the moment. Many things are going on in my life right now. But our relationship is very strained. My wayward and I have no intimacy at the moment of any type. She is looking for “organic growth” in our relationship to move back towards each other. She won’t go to counseling, isnt sure what she wants, etc etc. So we are kinda stuck.
I don’t feel she is as interested in working to restore/create a healthy marriage as I am. That is what I mean by the power imbalance. If I care but she doesn’t I am the one who is constrained in my behavior, words, actions, eggshell walking etc.
Backstory… she blames me for gaining weight in our marriage and felt that I could not love her since I didn’t do everything I could to be an attractive spouse to her. Thus within a midlife crisis, massive self improvement program and weight loss of her own, etc.. she sought out external validations.
Now think about that for a moment. The issue she had is solely about problems “I” had/have were about her?? Not about my own illness and dysfunction with food/lack of exercise? It was all about what she wanted. You could say that maybe she didnt love me? certainly not unconditional love.
This same person would offer to exercise with me for a week or two, but then abruptly stop, or encourage us to order really health foods like double pepperoni pizza… sounds a bit like a saboteur behaviors (or giving a drunk a bottle of booze.)
How can my problem be about “her”? … It is because she is a selfish, self centered being who probably believes the world should revolve around her.
I made strong attempt to be better, went to counseling, dieted, sought medical help etc. But it is a struggle for me. I just don’t burn calories like everyone else does with the same effort. Note that thru really aggressive efforts, I lost much of the weight I had gained and continue to work on it… but guess, what? Our relationship has not substantially improved. Now it that was the issues, why is that??
She says she still has anger but hasn’t done anything that I know of to seek help on it. I have apologized, tried to make amends, etc. But it is tough sledding and I have run out of things to try. So I am backing away and need to work on my self esteem and self improvement. That is the hard part.
Please know, I was a great husband to her, I earned an excellent living, she has nice things, large home, etc. I never hung out, never unfaithful, never disrespected her, was attentive, told her she was beautiful (even when she didn’t look her best), did more than 50% of the housework, child rearing, bought her gifts, respected her family.
She would acknowledge all of that to be true and so would her friends and her family. But she has always been wired towards self, she was abused as a child by a male relative and it created dysfunctions in her life and thinking. While she has sought treatments, it has not fully healed her.
So what is next, I am a very spiritual man and I know that God does not give us anything we can’t handle. And that all things work for good and his glory. I pray for guidance and for his intervention in my life to do and use me as he see fit. I may have to have Job’s patience and suffer pain and trials in the meanwhile but I will survive this “with or without her”
What do i have to lose being me??… ‘A bad marriage and a dysfunctional spouse’ I guess to quote the sick Charlie Sheen moment, “I WIN”.
Going to the gym right now to work on the new me!!
Smytee
amen….good take and good caution ….
Willingness to do whatever necessary …and get any amount of help is not too much to ask …
Smytee….Got your eyes wide open! Hoping for you to have reason to hope….
Brad,
My situation is similar to yours. What I have concluded after a couple years of dealing with an attitude your spouse displays is several things.
1) The affair is not our fault and it never can be. The marriage may have had issues (all do) and we the betrayed spouse own our 50 % share of those marital issues but the intentional breaking of the marriage vows is 100% the wayward spouses fault. There is no excuse for it. It is about choices, pure and simple choices. Love is a choice as well.
2) If our wayward spouses felt they were not getting their needs met, that we inflicted some emotional or physical cruelty to them, they could have asked for separation/divorce and then pursued this relationship after your was resolved. No reasonable person would blame them if the whole story was known and we were that deficient or if they just wanted “change”.
3) The failure to pursue #2 above and instead choose to engage in the affair is an singular act of selfishness, rebellion, a lack of self control, a desire to inflict emotional damage, or any one of other self destructive behaviors. It isnt excusable under any condition and it is the actions of an inmature, emontionally stunted person with a host of other issues and imbalances.
Also, note that their affair was conducted likely in secret. Secret texts, phone calls, emails, dating websites. Did he/she bring her affair partner to your family gathering? invite them to Christmas/hollidays with the rest of the family? hold hands out on your deck with the neighbors waving ‘howdy’ while doing the chores on a nice day? Did you spouse ever come home and say, hey honey, i just took $150 out of our checking account to get a nice romantic suite down at the Hyatt to spend the night with affair partner. We did it all night, it was great!
‘Probably not, and why is that???… wait for it…
Because it wasn’t right. They were wrong, dead wrong!
It wasn’t something that our society (outside of Hollywood) approves of and they didn’t want your kids, family and friends to see them like that.
4) In their hearts, (reflecting on #3 above), under the cloak/quiet of night and upon reflection in pure unvarnished truth, the wayward spouse knows that what they did is/was wrong and will always be. They know!!!
But their ability to resist their base instincts, their lack of self control, their need for validation, need for revenge or to distribute intentional hurt (what ever it is) allow them to “blame shift” to the other spouse to feel justification for what “THEY” did.
5) Our (betrayed spouse’s) desire to complete the ‘why did he/she do it puzzle’ reminds them of their actions, the pain they cause us or other memories that are not pleasant. It is a form of self preservation, to keep them grounded in some carved out reality between their old world with, possible illusions of a ‘bad’ marriage, and their selfish world with the affair partner where a Disneyland type fantasy exists about the affair and their reasons for pursing it or engaging in it. Cotton Candy, fried snickers , fantasy land where everything with the other person is better than trying to decide with you what to have for dinner or whether you can afford to send the kids to camp this year and all that other non sexy stuff that married people have the nerve to deal with daily. while they are shacked up in the hotel, they order room service. $14 hamburgers and $10 apple pies… McDonalds has a value meal and these can be had for $2.00!
6) By asking for any answers (though we have every right to do so to heal), it reminds the wayward of their error(s), causes them pain they would rather forget and both actions reopen the wounds for both people.
7) If some of the more dysfunctional wayward spouses really understood fully their actions and pain caused and felt real remorse (before they fully healed themselves), many of them may have jumped off the nearest tall object just to exhibit how sorry they really felt.
But instead, so it is much easier for them to say…. “Brad, why can’t you just get over it” That soothes their conscious. that eases unremorseful tendencies they have.
But until we can fully understand, be confident we can trust them and feel that we will no longer be hurt, it is difficult for us and it takes time. A wayward who feel true remorse for their actions will be patient and do what it takes!!!
However a wayward who continues to deflect, blameshift, and cannot own their 100% share of the affair mistake and their 50% of the marital issues is not remorseful and frankly, I do not believe they are sincere in their desire to never hurt us like this again.
Be afraid, be very afraid!!!!
The above is my opinion, but I have lived this issue daily for a couple years now and it is what I have come to conclude after much soul searching trying to recover my self-esteem after the wayward spouse detonated the A-Bomb on our marriage. Every battle before then was just sling shot rocks.
Caring too much give the other person power they don’t deserve.
Take care of yourself and build you own reality and heal.
Smytee
Maggie Mae
I sympathize with you …and empathize…it is difficult to observe that the person so adept at harming us is also very ‘resiliant’ it seems ..and we do not want to jeprodize our whole life by outing them ..
God has a way of causing all sin to be exposed sooner or later ..
AND no amount of their compartmentalizing helps THEM …in truth the suffering of consequences is actually a GOOD and USEFUL thing
BUT the spouse …us …that loves our spouse does not want to be the one to bring that pain about .
Trust me …the painful consequences of adultery WE KNOW are what WE …share ..because we are ONE FLESH with this person
They WILL eventually suffer consequences …and hopefully sooner rather than later…because all sin has them within their very design!
People do not want to hear it ..the warning against doing things that are defined as ‘sin ‘ but the truth is that the outcome is ALWAYS painful …and damaging …even if the ones enjoyying it for a season do not think so
As we see on here …all people it touches are harmed in some way
The deceiving thing is that those who ignore the warnings and trust the lies of our present society are caught up in the vain fantasy of it all
ALL that is glamourized is NOT good and only serves to fragment an already fragile society presently
There is a lot more to our soul existance than THIS present world …some do not know that ..some do not believe that …some rather do not care …nonetheless it is still the fact and will eventually be faced
In your situation …the best thing for our mates to have to face is the damage they have done …ARE DOING to themselves as they flee confrontatino with themSELVES …
Continue to seek the deliverance for your own soul in Christ …and trust His word that he will perfect that which is concerning YOU …and HIS plans are for the purification of our inner man …through HIS words in our minds…which shine light on our thoughts from HIS perspective so we can see our own various areas in need of correcting
Pray for strength and clarity from Him as you read..and hope in the eventual promises of your husband also coming to the place where he has no where else to soothe his conscience with quick fixes that this world may offer….just time wasters…using up his precious life span in empty endeavors to ‘ feel good;’ while ignoring the need for a saviour from his fallen fleshly way of thinking and acting .
Hugs for you
THe cause of marriage is so much more than most of us realize…in our pain we seek and learn more and more what it is meant to be …it is in service …sacrifice and deliberate act of the will upon truth.
Jesus told us HE IS the way the life AND THE TRUTH …so learn FROM HIM …not just about Him is useful to navigate this most difficult trial .
My husband had been having an affair with his secretary for at least two years. I suspected and confronted him several times — of course, he denied it (daaaaaaa!). It’s been a year since the affair ended, but I can’t stop thinking about it, running the “tapes” over and over in my mind. She had separated from her husband six months into the affair. We moved away – that’s what ultimately ended the relationship. So, I’m constantly wondering if he misses her, does he call her from his new job, are they chatting via email. He’s a very public person, only a few know of the affair, and he continues to pretend to be this perfect, naive person, all American man — whom everyone loves. On the surface, I appear strong, but on the inside I’m not doing well — my self esteem is gone and I know I’m experiencing some depression. The articles help some — thank you!
after 35-40 yrs of the 45 yrs of my marriage my spouse had affairs I knew about and suspected. He was obsessed. 3 yrs ago he informed me he did not want a divorce but did not want to live w me. He has moved back in 2 times only to move out again. I am disabled so moved in with children yr half ago. Now spouse who is ready to retire wants us to live together. He loves me and realizes his mistakes and what he has done to his family and me. He has had counseling. He will not discuss the past. He refuses. My family is torn apart, with children not speaking. Can a person finally change an obsessive compulsive disorder and quit becoming narcisicistic?
As far as i know, the affair is over but we have not yet reconciled. But after about a year, while still in this affair, he started coming around again. I found that the sex is the same as it always was and at first my mind raced with pictures of them having sex.Then, i focused on me. That i had him first, that our relationship was honorable while theirs was dirty and i have every right to enjoy the moment. A few times i did feel like throwing up but by taking care of myself throughout, i do not feel inadequate but rather more in control. It took a while to get to this point. The important thing i’m focusing on is how i feel afterward and i have found that sex is NOT love and i simply want more than just the act. While the newness of any sexual relationship is exciting, if it is only based on the physical, it holds no weight and will not last. It is shallow- especially if he keeps coming back to me. At this point though, it’s not about him anymore… it’s about me now!
I was counselled to start to move the images away from my mind to the right and above. I was then to turn them into black and White and to alter them by making them do different things. I then brought them back towards me. This also was a way of having power over the images and being in control. Eventually once the images came, I began to reject them and stop myself from going down the path with them , presumably because they had lost their hold over me as much. Time came when I no longer re-played them at all . It dies take a long time, but they will go away.
I saw them together. How they acted, looked at each other and touched in public with our friends, when they wanted me and everybody to know they were in love. How can I get rid of those images. When he found out she wouldn’t give up her other men friends he decided to call it quits with her. It still stings him. I’m now suppose to believe he’s always loved me. How can I forget? How can I believe him after so many lies and the shabby treatment? I’m at a loss.
i WAS COUNSELED TO GET 3X5 CARDS AND WRITE DOWN THE MOST ABSOLUTE HAPPIEST MEMORY ON EACH CARD. EVEN IF IT IS FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD. WHEN THE BAD PICTURE COMES, THEN TAKE ONE OF THE CARDS OUT AND PLAY IT OVER AND OVER UNTIL YOU FEEL YOURSELF LIVING THAT HAPPY MEMORY ALL OVER AGAIN. I ALSO QUOTE CERTAIN VERSES OVER AND OVER. THIS IS A “PIT” EXPERIENCE. FAR WORSE THAN ANY VALLEY. PS. 40. THE LORD WILL DELIVER US IF WE STAY FAITHFUL TO HIM AND TRUST THAT HE IS IN CONTROL. I AM 16 MONTHS IN THE HORRIBLE PIT. MINE CHOOSES TO NEVER LOOK BACK. PRAYING TO SOON GET OUT OF THIS HORRIBLE PIT.