What could be more torturous for an affair victim than to think they somehow don’t measure up to the paramour?
No one wants to feel second best, or undesirable, especially not to the person you’ve given your hand in marriage to. Yet, many husbands and wives who’ve been cheated on wonder what’s wrong with them to make their spouse want to stray in the first place.
In this blog, we’ll examine some of the obsessive thoughts that can occur about the paramour—and 3 tips for how to focus on yourself and rebuild your self-esteem. Please keep reading…
Affairs Introduce Doubts and Questions
You wonder if the paramour is better than you, but don’t forget this: your cheating spouse is the one with the character flaw. And if the paramour knew your spouse was married, they also have a character flaw.
Your spouse made the decision to cheat, not you—so why would you think of yourself as “less than?”
Give yourself credit for having the strength of character to not choose infidelity as the answer to your problems.
However, the blow to your self-esteem is very real, as you are no doubt experiencing. When a spouse cheats, doubts and questions are introduced into the equation:
- Will the marriage survive?
- Did I marry the wrong person?
- Why didn’t I see this coming?
And most damaging:
- What’s wrong with me?”
There’s nothing wrong with you. Even if your marriage was struggling prior to the affair, you were having troubles like any married couple has. Only, your spouse decided to cheat rather than stay, dig in and resolve the problems.
Some people cheat as a way to avoid dealing with problems. That’s like throwing a stick of dynamite you’re your living room and blowing up your house because there’s a small fire on the stove.
One of the first things an affair victim has to realize is they did not make the decision to cheat, their spouse did. You did not hold a gun to your spouse’s head or in any way threaten him or her to make them have an affair. Ownership of that decision belongs squarely with the cheater.
What you have been handed is a mound of turmoil that you’ll need to work through. Your spouse can’t fix it for you, nor can anyone else. And one of the first things you’ll need to tackle is taking care of yourself—and rebuilding your self-esteem that has suffered from your spouse’s cheating. No matter how self-confident you may have been prior to your spouse’s affair, your self-esteem still takes a hit at first.
Here are 3 tips for getting back your self-esteem.
Tip #1: Be self-centered for a while
This is hard to do: most people are givers and have a difficult time taking time for themselves. Being self-centered simply means taking care of your needs. Right now, post-affair, you have a lot of them: your emotions are in turmoil, you have negative thoughts—about yourself and life in general, you struggle with the memories of the affair and wondering about the paramour.
Work through this period of time and allow yourself the time and space to heal.
Tip #2: Make a long, long list
You have many good qualities—you just need a refresher on what those are. Make a list. You may not be able to do it all in one sitting, so consider it an ongoing project of adding the various good things that you are and offer.
Tip #3: You need a “win”
What is something you can do to help you feel good about yourself? If ever there was a time you needed a “win,” it’s now. Something to boost your spirit and self-confidence. So, your challenge is to find a challenge that you can apply yourself to and succeed at. Take a class, run a 5k race, learn how to dance.
My best to you as you heal from the affair.
Do thoughts of the paramour plague you?
If so, what are your thoughts composed of?
How has your self-esteem suffered as a result of your spouse’s affair?
Please share your thoughts by leaving a comment below.
Wishing you hope and healing for your marriage,
Stephanie Anderson
Editor-in-Chief
Marriage Sherpa
Incoming search terms:
- stop obsessive thoughts after affair (10)
- how to stop obsessive thoughts after an affair (9)
- getting your spouses paramour fired (2)
- how to overcome the obsessive thoughts and images of an affair (2)
- whats a paramour (2)
- obsessive thoughts about past affairs (2)
- protecting the paramour (1)
- paramour affair (1)
- obsessive thoughts of cheating spouse (1)
- wife thinks cheating husband is better than her (1)
Inside this 100% free report, you'll discover how to:
- Overcome obsessive images...
- Rebuild self-confidence...
- Feel normal again...
To Jackie
How did you know your MM was cheating on you with another lady? What caused him to end it with her? I was just curious. Your story is similiar to my co-workers and she thinks the same thing is happening to her.
Can anyone explain what gaslighting is? I see many people mention it in their posts, but I am clueless. Thank you!
I m writing to get help from some of you who have had the same problem I have. I have been suffering from depression for over 10 years . I have times when I am myself and them I get so bad that I withdraw from everyone as everything, which is what brought about my situation . I was just recently told that my husband of 30 years had been having an affair with their sister for 4 years, and this was right after his mother, who had been living with us for the past 7 years, the last 3 of which she declined into Alzheimer’s, and actually needing 24 hour care for last 6 months of her life. She passed on December 10 and in January my husband and I discussed a separation because I had stopped talking to him all but very rarely and or sex life was almost nonexistent. The sisters told me things thy could have only gotten from their sister his mistress because they were too intimate and he had to have told her. Anyway when I confronted him he said sisters were out tiger him because of physical fight his mistress and one had had which resulted in the mistress being hospitalized and the other arrested for assault. They said they waited until charges were dropped to contact me but felt they had to because my husband was going to leave me and
I’ve in with her
oakman rodriguez
This is certainly like a good contraption of which you’re rendering therefore you deliver the item apart intended for complimentary. When i really enjoy looking at web-sites of which appreciate this significance connected with giving some sort of good powerful resource intended for zero cost. It might be this older what exactly near is available close to regular …
Your site does not display properly on my android you might want to try and fix that
Would you work with discretionary accounts!
Is the OW better than me or our 3 girls? I know she isn’t but I guess what I think doesn’t matter. I have been with my husband since 93. Found out about the affair in March of 2011, had him move out in mid July of tha same . Is she better than me , us I guess in his mind she is and is all worth it. He just told my daughter who is 16 that he would never prefer them (our girls) over her and their relationship. He said that we just needed to build a bridge and get over the fact that he fell in love with another woman. Basically if my girls don’t accept him WITH the whore then they basically don’t have a father bcz like he said, they are just temporary and will move on with their lives and he needs to make sure he has someone he can love that will be there for him. I guess he forgot that that’s what I , his wife should have been there for . My girls have been through so much already including a suicide attempt by my 13 yr old at the time . He shows up to say how sorry the situation was however he wasn’t sorry for what he did. He constantly tells my girls how it’s all my fault bcz of an emotional affair that I had back in06. I told him how I didnt mean to hurt him and how I truly didn’t realize or know at the time what an emotioam affair was. Unlike him which was premeditated. I’m sooooo tired of being blamed for it all and for being told how much better she is in every aspect. Time will tell . All I can say is take ur yes off the situation and place them on God, there is no better judge!
It seems the paramour is actually better than me, because she’s younger, sliimmer, a nice place of her own….and especially…..a good-paying job……where my ex does’nt have to do anything for her……Wow, after 17 years, he throws this away for this woman of whom he’s run up his credit cards for, putting milleage on his truck, extra gas money, has to work OT now……where I was low-maintainance……even when I was’nt working, when my unemployment compensation ran out, had to have work done on my car…….he never, ever had to work OT, rack up a major credit card bill…..pay cash to go to dinner every time, never bought ( or had to buy ) expensive presents……I.m pleasent to be around, have good conversation with, we have alot in common, I’m a home-body,had a nice meal every night……what’s wrong with that! We had to go through alot of strife……lousy things happening to us…..Well…..that’s where, I suppose, “The-Rubber-Meets-The-Road”, so to speak…..It’s so easy in the relationship when things are going smoothly…..very different when things become rough….especially if it lasts for alot longer periodod of time than anticipated….Well then, that’s when you see how much “you-love-each-other”……It adds insult-to-injury when communication is lost and when bitterness, anger and resentment is present and one, or both, don’t want to deal-with-it…..
My husband left me and our 4 kids for the other woman, and she left her husband and her 4 kids as well. They are both deeply enmired in dirty horrible destructive relationship that has hurt at least 10 other people very deepy but they don’t care. And as for the OW being better than the spouse – not in any single way Ive discovered . She is LESS that me in every single area; looks, intelligence, accomplishments, motherhood etc etc . The spouses ALWAYS trade down. Its part of the guilt of cheating. Its also one of the reason why these silly filthy affairs can never ever blossom into a proper loving relationship – neither fully trust the other and both know they have got a dirty cheat when they could have done SO much better if they had demonstrated some moral backbone .
To Jackie
Did you spare a thought for the woman he was married to when you chose to sleep with him?
You should have been woman enough to tell him to get a divorce first before you got into his bed.
You will always be plagued by his cheating behaviour and in a way thats your karma, you did it to her now youre experiencing some of the same. Not pleasant, is it. Doubt and lies and sneaking around.
Hopefully you will be a better person and not repeat the same behaviour to some poor married woman. Think sisterhood!!! We have to stick together; dont do it to another woman however hot you think he is – if he is married and you want a relationship, ask him to leave his wife decently first and wait until the divorce papers are through. Then he is yours. After all there are plenty of single men available.
You said some wise words at the end. Yes, focus on your present relationship before looking at married men. Hopefully you have learnt from what you did. Believe me, his wife will have gone through hell because of you and so will your husband. For some this pain is so terrible they commit suicide. For others they become bitter and negative. And for others, they get through it eventually but they have lost their innocence forever and they can never love the same way again. The chaos and pain for other people is wide. And for what??????? And now you have a tiny taste of the same, although not as deep.
One more thing : to Going Crazy
I didnt realise that it had only been seven weeks since you found out.
This is very soon and things are far too raw.
Like you I tried to analysize and understand and fix things straight afterwards. I couldnt understand why my marriage was falling apart because two days before I found out he told me he loved me and held me tight and it seemed so sincere! Too confusing! But trying to fix things only brought me much more pain at that time; things didnt ease off for me until i pulled away from him and started to focus on myself. It is for him to fix things and he will only do that if a) he truly values his marriage b) he is clear about your boundaries c)he gets over his own anger at being caught out and takes a good long look at himself and sees what he really is d)wants to make the necessary changes.If you do the fixing at this stage, he has the easy ride and he will not respect you in the long run.
I wish someone had told me back then to spend more time on myself doing something really fun that I enjoyed. Something that made me laugh. Because when youre doing that you are clearing your head just for a moment and that helps your body and mind to heal a little. The torment of infidelity eats you up, eats up the hours of the day, wears your body out, hurts your head. And the only thing that eases the pain is to focus on yourself. Spend money doing things for yourself that you might not have prioritised before – beauty treatments, massage, facials, etc. It will help you to relax. Yes, spend his money. You need to heal for your family. It will help you and your children. Whilst you are eaten up by pain confusion and anger your kids will feel all these negative emotions. Its not your fault – it was his choice – and now you have to look after yourself FIRST.
I didnt do that for 2 years. Two long years of extreme mental and physical pain. The moment I switched to looking after me, I started to heal and as I became less angry and hurt, and more relaxed, I was able to listen. I went to funfairs and screamed my head off. I went horseriding and galloped with the wind in my hair across fields. I pampered myself with massages and facials. Put highlights in my hair like I just didnt care! I started to forget for moments in the day what had happened. He started to show up at the house to see what I was doing. He started to ask me out on walks and chase me round the trees. We started to have some fun. And at that point we could talk more openly about things and about our marriage.
Triker,
You did exactly the right thing by telling your wife you would leave if she didnt stop and you meant it. I bet she sat up and took notice and respected you for being clear and firm. Also by making her know without a doubt that you would cut her out for good if she chose to disrespect you again with that behaviour. Good on you!
Going Crazy,
You and I are in the same position. I feel just like you. Things will never be the same because I dont see him the same way I did before. My vows were for life and I never expected to be in the that situation. It was the very last thing I expected of him, in fact. I suspect my husband is a nassarcist too because he did it despite loving me and he really truly thought he wouldnt get caught, it would run its course and I would never know. It fulfilled a need he had at the time that I couldnt help him with because I was pregnant with his child. Very difficult for me to swallow because the time he found to spend with her he should have been spending looking after me. However, I understand much more now than before and see that he has the growing up to do and his behaviour was no reflection on me. In a way I now see my strength and value. There are days when I feel doubt still (because I was hurt so much) and other days things are much better now. I am reassessing my life and marriage and what I want. The sad thing is that before I saw myself growing old and grey with him. Now I dont see that necessarily. I live for the next few months and that is it. His behaviour and how i feel will determine what happens next. I know I will be fine because I got through the deepest gutwrenching pain I could ever have imagined and survived. Who knows, my life and marriage might be the better for it. Or I may move on and be happy with someone else. Its down to him to prove he is worthy of me and our daughter and he knows it. At the moment its good but even after 3.5 years, I cannot sleep with him because I still ‘see’ images of them, even after all this time. Is that the same for you? My images are less vivid than before, but they still come. And i know that he came into our bed after having been with her and looked me and our baby daughter straight in the face as if nothing had happened, just like your husband did to you. Too hard to cope with still, even though I understand much more about why he did it (escape from daily routine, financial worries, no sex during pregnancy, ego etc). Now he has to ‘please himself’ while he waits to see if he can get me back, because he knows that if he cant control himself and does anything with any other women BEHIND MY BACK the door will be shut for good. And he knows that the law of the universe will catch him out if he tries to deceive us again. And he also knows he si free to leave if he cant make the effort.
I had a affair w/MM but I was not playing. I wanted a better relationship than my marriage but I was still married. Wrong move. One year into the affair, I noticed some things “not right” and questioned him, only to be answered by “denials”…but the “hints” kept coming. For 3 years. I could never “prove anything” so stayed in this relationship. Then something happened that put him in desperate situation and he broke it off w/other lady. Now he needed me. But I have never been able to commit to him because of the unresolved infidelity that I know was there. He is older and now I feel I must remain in relationship to “care for his needs”. But it’s a dead end. I am blocked from improving my marriage, which I am still in and also from any possibility of finding someone else. Don’t do it! My mistake was not working hard enough on my marriage in the first place and my failure to insist upon my needs being fulfilled and being truly happy, so that “looking elsewhere” for fun or love just wouldn’t have been something I even wanted to do. Make sure you get serious about your present relationship. In the end if it can be worked out to be better, you are better off than looking for fulfillment w/someone who doesn’t mind “seeing you” while they are still committed.
That’s so true! And one of biggest fears; the lying will never end! He never told me ANYTHING! I found out because of some crazy intuition asked and was told no for months. Finally I said this is it I’m done unless you tell me, even acted like someone sent me a message telling me. Finally he admitted the disgusting truth. Any other detail like who, how many times, where etc were only answered because I asked. It was an “if she don’t ask I don’t tell”. And there ere still discrepancies that I had to ask about over and over again getting new answers until finally the truth, well who even knows if it’s the truth it’s just the story he’s sticking to! I despise liars and sneaky people and he knew this was a pet peeve of mine since day one. I can’t help but to almost despise HIM now! I want this to work, but find my self slipping further and further away from this marriage. He’s finally starting to pick up in this and keeps saying I see your done with me, I see you you don’t live me, I see you hate me. And I honestly don’t have the energy to argue about it. It’s even seven weeks and I’m still as shocked, hurt and angry as I was when it came out. The other difference is I’m starting to get that “I don’t give a shit” attitude that I know will get this marriage nowhere! I’m just sick of being the one trying, caring and thinking how to better us. He is trying to talk and about up more about himself, something he never did before. He is also flirting, kissing, touching and doing any and everything for for me. He use to do those thing before though so I told him all that doesn’t mean anything to me because he were doing it and having sex with trash. I need to see someone different and I’m not seeing that yet. So how will I ever think your different??? This is so hard and I can’t believe this is now my life. It’s crushing especially when I have you g kiss and had my life planned out! I’m a good looking girl and thought that I’m a good person, I thought I treated him well. I’d compliment him, leave notes, tell him I’m do proud of how hard he works for his family, always said how much I enjoyed sex with him. Why wasn’t it enough? Really WHAT wasn’t enough? He went after me in the beginning. At one time he thought I was his “perfect”. How could whores he worked with change that feeling for me? I understand he was there give days a week and for 10-12 hours, he really only spent weekends at home. But come on! Where are his standards?
One thing I do think is that the CS standards for a spouse and who they will sneak around and cheat with r way different. The CS was not looking for a pretty face to have a taboo, very sleazy affair with. After all it was all secret and no one was supposed to know so the sleazier the better. But they get caught up in the fantasy and risk it all for someone they now are so embarrassed to admit they were with them.
It’s not love, it’s insanity. It’s self sabotage, it’s poor impulse control, it’s even obsession. But it’s not love. It’s so messed up that people can be so hurt by it cheating. So sad…. Cause the cheaters r the idiots and when they get caught there is shame and defensiveness. And always regret at some point or another. And my personal opinion is if u did the crime just admit it. It’s more abuse to keep lying. If u r so brave to go and cheat, then be brave enough to tell the truth and deal with the fallout. I really hate lying cowards…… Lying cowards have no remorse except that they got caught. They are selfish and won’t grow or change. They just lie.
Thanks for the reply Golden Girl! It’s almost the same situation as mine. It’s so weird to see every affair has their similarities. He really didn’t think about consequences. He even told me he thought I’d never find out and he wouldn’t lose me. He thought he could end it and come fully back to our marriage and I’d never know the difference. I just can’t imagine having sex with someone other than my husband and then coming home and looking him and my kids in the eye and smiling! It’s really disgusting! I’m seriously starting to wonder if he’s a narcassist!! He also told her he loved her, but told me it was just a game. A game to make sure she wouldn’t want to start sleeping with all these guys who texting her. Umm yea ok! And I’m supposed to believe you didn’t love her? She was worth a lot of risks not to feel anything!And I am not always happy in my marriage, who is?? But that doesn’t mean I ever thought about going to sleep with someone to get that “high”! I wonder what will happen when that feeling wears off with me yet again. And I also don’t feel the same about him, it hurts him, but also me. I had my life planned out and I thought he was included. I thought when we said our vows it was forever. And he knew I didn’t want kiss with more than one person and that once I got married I wanted that to be it, I think he took advantage if that. But he’s wrong! I’ll leave before he knows what hit him if I even think anything is going on again. My “fairytale” life is over so I’m not forcing anything. If he changes good and if not not find. Either way I’m working in me and my children and I will be just fine!
Eternally Broken,
Is your wife still running around? If she is then there is no chance you are going to heal while she is pulling this crap. If she will not stop, you need to consider divorce , this isn’t good for you or your kids. Think about it and talk to her about it. Whatever her problem is , cheating is not the answer and your accepting her behavior isn’t the answer either. You are in terrible emotional pain and that is clouding your thinking. You do not have to accept her cheating. I was right where you are and made up my mind to either have my wife stop or divorce her , I told her this and she knew I meant it. She chose to stop but I was ready to carry out my threat and divorce her. Your wife can stop if she wants to, you just have to give her enough reasons to penetrate her narcissistic shell to make her stop. Then you can begin to restore you self esteem. You have to stand up and be a man and take a chance.
We have been married almost 23 years. Despite my reputation in H.S., she was my first at 18. My wife has had at least 5 affairs that I know of. I know she suffers from approval addiction, and a child hood with an alcoholic father, but that brings no comfort t my self esteem. I cant help but feel inferior since my only experience has been with her and she has always cheated with the “bad boys”. I left that attitude behind after getting married and having children, but I guess being responsible has made me less desirable to my wife. I really feel I am a fraction of the man I once was. I am 42 , 6ft 2. Not in too bad of shape but I find myself actually embarrassed for my wife too see me naked. The last few years, I dont think I’m nearly the father I was to my sons. The thoughts, images,, things I’ve seen and read, and assorted memories plague and torture me constantly and have made me noticeably bitter and negative about life. I try to get these things out of my mind, but nothing works. I even try to constant prayer when these thoughts hit me. There are times when they come so sudden I uncontrollably grunt or cry out with a groan from the the wave of pain that seems to consume me. Yes I’m hurt, even shocked my wife was even capable of inflicting this much pain on me. I still love her with all my hear and But I don”t think I can ever even be a shadow of the man I once was, I certainly dont think I can ever be sexually desirable again.though just a few years ago I remember being complimented by random girls at the grocery store, etc. But that really seems like a different life at this point Sometimes I pray maybe God can restore me somehow, but I guess I really fear its in vain as I just can’t imagine that being possible any more
Golden Girl,
thanks again, with your thoughts on the matter plus what I know I hope to be able to resolve this in my mind at least a little so I can move on to some of the other bad memories that I need to deal with.
Triker,
I am happy I have been able to help you a little bit.
If your wife has said SHE will tell the childhood friend to go away the next time he shows up because she is married to you and its INAPPROPRIATE, then thats a great step forwards. It looks as if she really has grown up and sees things as they are.
Your anger will go away eventually. You will have days when you forget and everything is great. Then other days you will be triggered by something exterior and the bad feelings will come back. This is totally normal. The good thing is that the more your wife continues to earn your trust the faster these bad feelings will disappear. And one day they will be gone.
The anger takes a long time to go because youve been badly hurt. Its been three years and 4 months for me and i still have days when those feelings return and I feel angry and disappointed in my husband for having chosen to go down that route. But it is infinitely better now than a couple of years ago when i was tormented by it day and night. So rest assured that things will get much better for you, especially if your wife has changed – and it sounds as if she has!
One thing that helped me a lot was to focus on having fun with my husband. For us it was skiing, going away for the weekend, going for walks in the woods and chasing each other round the trees etc. Perhaps if you could think about something you would both enjoy that takes you out of your normal routine it would help you. When I had fun with my husband, my head emptied, and i was living right in the moment, not in the past. I forgot about everything and just enjoyed being with him. It did me a lot of good. And i think it helped him too, to relax.
Forgiveness is a big ask. I cant do it and I told my husband so. I also said that if he ever did it again I would be gone, and there would be no discussion about it; the door would be shut forever. He knows exactly where the boundary is and what will happen if he choses to go there again. But I did say I accept what had happened and want to move forwards. I accept it because I had no control over it and I have to let it go. If I dont accept it, it will continue to eat me and I will constantly be living in the past and rehashing what happened instead of enjoying today. And I have suffered enough. So acceptance is the way forwards for me. Perhaps this spin on things might help you feel less angry so you can heal.
Golden Girl,
Thank you for the response. It is good to get a woman’s perspective on my wife’s actions.Although you don’t have her character flaws it is easier for you to get into her head to understand what was going on. She has grown up a bit. She no longer runs around or flirts in a trashy fashion. She no longer treats me with disrespect, in fact she tells me I’m a wonderful man and she often says she doesn’t deserve me. She is a good wife now and the problems are mine . I carry a huge load of anger and resentment from the past that I am trying to resolve so that I can move on to forgiveness. My therapist says I need to peel away my layers of anger and resentment that I have built up over the years. So, I am trying to start with the most resent events and go back. This thing with the childhood businessman friend is the most recent, in fact, a current problem that is really hard for me to resolve. After all, my wife says the next time he shows up, she will prove herself to me by setting him straight, but that could be months or years or even never since I confronted him, but I have to figure this out and take care of the anger so I can move to the next trigger event. Thanks again for your incite.
Triker,
The contempt thing i understand. When i found out about what my husband had done, he was so angry to have been caught that he was horrible to me for quite a few months. Later he told me he lashed out because he was ashamed of himself and extremely angry. I had just had a baby so it was a double blow – I expected him to be contrite and apologise and do everything he could to make things right. But he withdrew, and everytime he saw us he blew up. I was so confused and hurt I could not have a rational conversation, my head was spinning and I was angry too. In the end I left with the baby and didnt contact him. The silence did some good, I calmed down and so did he. He rang and begged me to come back, apologised, said all the right things. So a certain level of anger I can understand when it comes to you and your wife’s situation.
The continued contempt/flaunting men in your face is a bit more worrying. Perhaps she was unhappy in the marriage, or angry or felt trapped. I dont know. All I know is that when someone immature gets caught doing something wrong, quite often they lash out at the person closest to them. Maybe you got angry back and there were some massive arguements and all the justifications she made in her head for having affairs seemed right to her, so she wanted to show you that she was ‘free’.
Regarding the old friend, yes it sounds like they might have had a thing in the past I agree with your wife’s mum. Im sure she respects you for telling him to get lost now, even if she wont admit it. You showed her where the boundary is. It should have come from her but maybe this is her hanging on to the last bit of her adolescence. Are they emailing now?If so you could ask to see them…If it is innocent she will have nothing to hide. It is for her to EARN your trust, not the other way around. She got drunk because she was the naughty kid and you were the ‘parent’ – you took control of the situation and she lost hers (quite literally…)
You say your wife is a good wife now. Perhaps she has grown up a bit after all this. If she hasnt asked for a divorce she wants to stay with you. You must make sure she is being transparent with you, so that you can learn to trust her. That is important for you to do, otherwise you will go mad with worry whenever she is out. And that’s bad for your health. It is up to her to do this if you want to continue with the marriage.
I told my husband he was free to leave if he wanted to because I didnt want a liar and a cheat in my life. When i said that he stopped dead in his tracks. I dont think until then he saw what he did as that. I then said, if that was what he really was I didnt want him, I want better in my life than that. I said it very calmly without raising my voice. By saying that I think he realised exactly where the boundary was and how he had crossed it and that it was unacceptable to me. I really think he had convinced himself that he wasnt doing anything bad; it was just an escape from daily routine/financial troubles. Suddenly too he saw he wasnt trapped because I didnt want him if he behaved like that and he was free to move on. Since then things have improved dramatically and he is falling over himself to make me happy and re-earn my trust. Hard of course, but …
Golden girl,
you seem to have incite into my wife’s thoughts, how would you explain her treating me with contempt? She openly mocked me when we fought over her running around, she would laugh at me and even flirt openly and aggressively with other men right in front of me as if I wasn’t there. That conduct to me indicates a total lack of respect for me and contempt. Also, we still have one bone of contention. She has an old school friend that has made inappropriate advances toward her over the years and she has never rebuffed his advances even though she knows I know about his attempts and that it bothers me greatly. We have fought for years about this guy. He shows up for a visit every 5 years ago and tries again and my wife pretends not to notice what he is up to. I have asked her to email him and tell him she is not interested but she refuses. I ended up doing it myself and told him to get lost, her response was to get drunk (something she never does). She is a good wife in every way now, she has given up jher old bad ways but doesn’t seem to be able to let go of this last bit of badness, what do you think is going on here? Her excuse for not emailing is that he only shows up every 5 years or so and they really don’t have a relationship for her to end, but, I don’t believe this is true. My wifes mother believes that when they were young, perhaps they had some kind of adolescent affair that has provided a “connection” that my wife and the guy don’t want to end. Any theories anyone?
Ray, thats not true.
Triker, the reason she didnt come to you was NOT because the other guys were better than you. she didnt come to you because the affairs gave her something else that MARRIAGE sometimes doesnt (esp after a while)..A feeling of power (i can get him if i want); a feeling of release from routine (the thrill of doing something different) perhaps. Maybe it made her feel like she was free from marital responsibility for a brief moment – young, single, free etc. It no reflection on you – its a reflection of her immaturity. And its no reflection on you sexually either. Its just the rush of power over another person; knowing she has still got ‘it’. She has you already, you see. Im not sure how you could get around it because it is her problem; she is not grown up. Their ‘services’ were no better than yours; she was addicted to her feeling of power of them; knowing she could click her fingers and they would be there. A bit like kids in high school. And they are rubbish men, sleeping with a married woman! No integrity! Selfish! One day she will grow up.But it really has absolutely nothing to do with you, your body, your performances. Its more to do about her; her insecurity; her failings; her immaturity.. If sex got a bit routine (happens to all in long term relationships,she was just as responsible and you didnt do the same as her. and luckily there is plenty you can both do to spice it up). But you are not the reason why she chose to do what she did. The core of the problem lies with her. She broke her promise to you.
Going crazy
I struggled with the same thought. Why would he choose time to be with her rather than me. I was pregnant with his child and he told me he loved me all the time; yet he made time to be with her when he should have been looking after me. A tough one. It made me feel inferior to her; unattractive, lacking in lots of things. The thought of them having sex made me feel physically sick and tormented me for a couple of years. But I now know that when he was with her he ‘forgot’ about all the overwhelming financial problems we were facing; for that brief time he was 21 again, free and single. He put that time in a box that was completely separate from our marriage, me and the baby. It was horrible to face the reality of what he had been doing and the lies he told me about where he was just to keep that ‘box’ going. You are right, the affair provides chemical releases that are like a drug. But it does eventually wear off. Then the person having the affair sees what the person is really like and that they are black inside.She is not better than you. She provided one thing, an ego stroke, an escape from reality. And believe me, eventually your man will see that and hate himself for stooping so low. Like you i didnt understand why he was prepared to chuck me, the baby and our 15 year marriage under the bus for that. But that didnt enter his head. He didnt think of the consequences much. He never wanted to leave us and he never thought he would be caught. It was an opportunity that arose when he was particularly weak and he needed to feel ‘free’ and ‘young’. So immature. And so so stupid. Because now I dont love him like before and he hates that. And she was sent packing.
Well said Triker… Amen Brother. If you were better she would have came to you….lol.
I didn’t mean to come off sounding like my self esteem is totally in the gutter. It really isn’t. I was more or less giving my wife’s viewpoint .At the beginning of the healing process my esteem was very low. I tied my self worth to my wife’s opinion of me which, when she was running around was very low. I have since come to realize that I am more than what my wife thinks of me, then or now. People that know me , know I’m a good husband and good provider and was a pretty good dad even while my wife was whoring around. It took me a long time to realize that the opinion of normal not cheating people was a lot closer to the truth than the opinion of a serial cheating out of control housewife. Still, I have to conceed that she thought her men were more important to her and superior at providing the “services” that she needed. After all, if I was better, she would have come to me instead of all those other guys.
Vulcanized said: ——->”…H’s mistress sent h a simpering e-mail about how smart he was … to make a FB page. That’s on par w/praising H for wiping his own ass. And then H had me telling him to pick up his dirty socks.”
V – thanks for the laugh! Sigh…ain’t it the truth.
H’s home-wrecker is ‘better’ in that she is willing to accept H’s status quo.
H’s affair has been going on for more than 3 years. Mistress has been willing to stay w/married man all that time. H is unwilling to get D, yet mistress still stays. Rather obvious that if H wanted to LEGITIMATELY be w/whore, he’d have D’d me by now. Instead, I am actively pushing for D.
I think the WS finds the OP ‘better’ in that they are more easily managed. feeding the WS entitled mentality, etc. H’s mistress sent h a simpering e-mail about how smart he was … to make a FB page. That’s on par w/praising H for wiping his own ass. And then H had me telling him to pick up his dirty socks.
Going Crazy,
It isn’t the person our partners are going after – it’s the feeling the person is giving them during the affair. The OM / OW is simply the conduit for the high. There are chemical releases in the brain during the affair. They will say/do whatever it takes with the OP to keep the affair going to maintain that high. They will make really bad decisions to get that high, much like a crack addict would with their own family. If you look at it from a more clinical standpoint, it takes the edge off from thinking you were lacking something compared to the OP. As Golden Girl mentioned – if the affair was really about you and what you were lacking, they would have left you for the OP, not dumped them.
Sorry for the spelling errors in my last post, I was going too fast on my phone. That was the first time ever commenting and it kind of felt good. I love the “parawhores” word! I forgot another question I’ve had I wanted to get opinions on, or at least off my chest. I wonder if the only reason he stays with me is because of our children, and not wanting them to be from a separated family, him not seeing them as much, divorce is looked down on his his family, and knowing he’d be paying child support, instead of it being he truly loves me. Also he may really want to be with her, but deep down knows she is a whore, he isn’t the only married guy she has been with, so he knows it’d never work. And he thinks I am an attractive girl and always said he likes to “show me off” to friends and coworkers, she is not that attractive and maybe he wouldn’t get that ego boost with her? He knows it wouldn’t last with her, he’d be embarrassed to bring her around his family etc etc so it’s “easier” to stay with someone he’s familiar with. I need it to be plain and simply because he truly loves and wants me, I’m just afraid it’s all these other reasons my psycho brain is coming up with at this point!
Its hard to believe they aren’t better though. I can look at her and know I’m better looking, I’m a better classier person and I know I have more intelligence, but my opinion isn’t his. We are different people with different opinions. But I still look at the fact he chose her over me at times. Now that is “out” he doesn’t want anything to do with her and says he wants to be with me. But the face if the matter, for me, is that you chose to take time away from me to be with her. How does someone do that if I’m better to them and they really live me?? So confusing!
They didn’t cheat on us because we were defective, they are. They made the decision, they abandoned their own moral compass, ditched their own integrity. That is a reflection on the CS, not us. As for the Parawhores, knowingly pursuing and sleeping with a married person is a reflection of their own poor self image. So many of you comment on the fact that the Parawhore is less attractive than you are. Again, a reflection on the CS. The CS is so needy, so desperate to be noticed, to have somebody stroke their egos that they get involved with anybody who will pay them some attention. That might be fine when your young and insecure, but really at some point you need to grow up. The Parawhores are so insecure and desperate that they will settle for someone who can only give them a part time, uncommitted relationship. That, and they need to make themselves feel powerful and desirable by their ability to tempt a married person from their spouse. In my particular case, even that wasn’t enough for the Parawhore, she also had to introduce herself to my children, send me facebook messages like she was my friend etc. She has done this to one other family in our community that I personally know of, so this is obviously her preferred MO. She is my age, I am more attractive that her. But she flirted with my Husband, made him feel desirable, made him feel young. So he jumped right in. It was another way for him to avoid dealing with our problems. Now 10 months after discovery, we are in counseling, he is finally dealing with his own emotional issues and the issues in our marriage I tried to get him to face for years. In someways our relationship is better than ever. On the other hand, our teenage sons are struggling, one of them discovered the affair. The way everything came down, there weren’t too many things I could protect them from. I still struggle with trusting him from time to time even though he is working hard at transparency. A certain innocence is gone for me and our sons that will never be recovered. That someone could throw their family under the bus for sex, is mind blowing, but again a testament to the immaturity and insecurity of the CS. It’s just that sometimes it seems like we end up with all the crap to deal with and they don’t. But I do remember my Husband stating that the guilt he has for hurting me and our sons, for being ostracized by our sons is painful for him too. In addition, he is so disappointed in himself. I allow him no self pity, I hold him accountable, but try to be curious about what he is going through and open to his concerns and thoughts. Will the marriage survive? I don’t know, some days I think it will and that it will be better that ever…then other days, not so much. Today, I am hopeful.
to karma
why do you want to be more desireable for a man who treated you so badly?
he is not worthy of you AT THIS MOMENT.
the sexual things he said to her were meaningless. if they really mattered he would have left you for her, and he did not.
he did not leave you because he knows you are better.
you feel this way because it is still too early for you to have healed from the hideous shock of finding out what he had been doing.
this feeling will pass eventually.
please look after yourself, treat yourself to all the beauty treatments you want. see what a beautiful woman you are. and remember, all the beauty treatments in the world wont give her what you have in abundance, a beautiful soul. this is what will show in your face as the years pass by. trust me, her face will be as hard and ugly as her insides.
This is definitely something I am struggling with…even now, a year and 5 months after I found out. My last counseling exercise was to keep track of my internal chatter for a week. I knew my self-esteem has taken a critical hit, but I was shocked to see how often I still compare myself to HER. The thoughts are very quick and subtle! For example, when my partner reaches for my hand, the thought flashes, “Her hands were prettier, softer, younger.” When he brushes my hair back, the thought, “Her hair was prettier, softer, younger.” Multiply that by the hundred times it happens everyday. And it doesn’t help that I gained 30 lbs (from 120 lbs to 150!!!) since this started. I have never been overweight in my life, and now my thighs look like cottage cheese from the cellulite. So I’m also plagued with the knowledge that I am not nearly as attractive as I was, and he cheated on me while I WAS attractive.
Anyway, I do recognize that this is my own problem and that I need to correct it. Rationally, I believe what the article says…I just can’t convince my heart. Like you, Triker, I just can’t get past the logic. And I don’t want to just have a better heart and soul than her. I WANT TO BE MORE DESIRABLE!!! He said sexual things to her that I’VE never heard from him.
Anyway, good article, wish it could tell me exactly how to stop comparing myself to her!
Is the “Parawhore” better than me? Hell NO!!! she cant even be my little toe nail, let alone better!!
Laurel~
I just went and checked that “thing” your husband risked you and your family for and I just threw up some in my mouth!! Sorry to say, if your husband risked everything for this “thing” he is really effed up in the head and is a low life! Then again all cheaters are!! I am sorry sweetie..
Triker,
doesn’t matter if you were the most handsome man in the world, with that mind set she would have cheated on you no matter what! So don’t think and beat yourself that way. Beauty & youth fades in time, once that gone what do you have left anyways? For me the most important thing in a man is his morals, character. You have all that and more, so in my opinion you are/were better man than anyone your wife cheated on you with! You are not INFERIOR, those man who cheated with your wife, knowing for a fact that she was married are the ones that are Inferior NOT you!!
Bob,
if they cheated with you, they will cheat on you! Its a known fact and I second everything you posted!
Golden girl,
you will NEVER EVER look at him or see him the way you did before, that’s gone forever! They are less than you! I didn’t feel worthless, unattractive, I felt STUPID! I could never do to another woman what that woman did to me either..What killed me was she was way way below me in everyway as well and I said, if you were going to do this to me you should have picked someone at least better than me to make it worth losing everything for…. “Parawhore” also begged my ex to stay with her but he dumped her right away, even with all her pleadings, begging. Then 2 years of his gaslighting, I finally dumped him.
Like I said before; in my case, I am much happier now than I have ever been, so I am here to let others know, if you do decide to leave, actually grass is really greener on the other side
Keep your chin up, you are better than them!
I wondered why my husband would choose to be with a woman so disgusting that she would agree to sleep with a man she knew was married because he wore his ring, had a wife at home and a baby on the way. The mini skirt? possibly. The thrill of the chase? possibly. The feeling of being young again and not having the responsibility of being a dad? possibly. Well now he sees how disgusting she is and he feels disgusted with himself for risking his family for that. He despises himself for what he did and feels less of a man because I NOLONGER look at him or see him the way I did before. She begged him to stay with her when I found out; and even offered sex when he told her it was over and she had to go. They were both less than me and deep inside they know it. Yes after I found out I felt very bad, worthless, unattractive, stupid …you name it. It was such a shock. But 3 years later I now know the truth. I could never do to another woman what that lowlife did to me. She is so far below me she is under the ground. And I could never do to my husband what he did to me either. So he is not at my level either. He is not my equal anymore. And he is scared to death that i will find someone who is and will leave him.
Is the “Paramour” better than me?
No
The old ” I was really something in high school ” lets text and find something you are interested in and talk about the old gang and where are they now and how bad I have it with my husband.
Wow this sneaking around lying and cheating is fun and exciting!
So what if I am no longer in the picture???
What kind of relationship do we have with out the sneaking?
Part of the dynamic is gone. The excitement of cheating is gone. And all that’s left is the person that has been lying to you and you to them.
They are left with the fact that the one person who is honest and true is gone and all we have left are two self serving individuals that have nothing to go forward with.
Except ..maybe they can start cheating on each other.
My wife has always looked younger and prettier than her age. She always choose men and boys younger and more handsome than me. She chose to be with these men over me and in spite of the pain she was causing me. They provided the drama ,sexual thrill and sexual excitement that I her husband could not provide for her. Yes she was messed up in the head but to her, they WERE BETTER than me. I can tell myself how good a husband I was and am till the day I die but for a lot of years there was a list of guys, her 18 year old boyfriend, the doctor at the emergency room, her school days “friend that visits every 5 years or so”. The guy at the night club whose phone number she came home with, the guy at the Mail boxes ETC , all of them were “better” than me to my serial cheater wife. She has changed and now says I was much better to her even when she was cheating but I know that’s a white lie on her part so as to not hurt me further. The simple truth is that my cheating wife chose the better man by cheating with them and there is no way to logically explain why she would cheat with the inferior man. She chose to cheat on the inferior man.
You have to be kidding, how can a 28stone fat ugly single whore with the personality of a finger nail possibly be better than me.
Unfortunately mine is like most men cannot keep it in his pants, nor can he cope with the real world. Mine lives for himself he is in “me World”, and when things get tough mine got going, to a whore who handed it to him on a plate, unfortunately he bit, unfortunately for his marriage he got found out.
That fat whoreing piece of shit better than me NEVER.
If she were any better I think he would have left me for her! Younger, yes. Prettier, uumm not really. Taller yes, but smarter? I don’t think so.