Has your relationship gone stale and you want to know what it will take to save your marriage? Or, have your differences been tearing you apart, leading to fight after fight, often followed by long, cold distances?
You’re not alone. The divorce statistics are sobering. And yet, there are many married couples who represent the marriages that succeed.
What do they know that the unsuccessful group wishes they knew, too? Read on…
A Critical Ingredient to Save Your Marriage
There’s one big mistake many couples repeat day in and day out: talking about their problems non-stop.
Don’t get me wrong – talking about the issues in your marriage is important. But talking about them constantly is unhealthy, boring and likely to stifle the emotional connection with your spouse.
Similarly, spending every waking moment taking care of work and chores, or talking about who will take care of work and chores, is like starving your marriage of the vital nutrients it needs for survival.
I know you are busy and the pace of your world has picked up tremendously, and often you feel like you barely have time to breathe. It seems there’s no time for anything else.
When marriages go into this type of crisis mode, where the emotional connection has been eroded due to everyday problems and concerns, there is one problem cropping up over and over again. It’s a problem that many people fail to address, and it’s one that often ends up destroying the marriage: a lack of fun.
Every couple faces similar challenges: balancing the day-to-day concerns with keeping the relationship alive. It’s a struggle to varying degrees, depending on personalities, whether there are kids in the picture, economic considerations and career demands.
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A lot of these things can drive couples to engage in a great deal of conflict. But not all couples who are in this state of crisis go on to divorce. What’s different about them?
Having fun with your partner is one of the most important aspects of your relationship. Dating and having a good time is what brought you together in the first place. If you’re wondering why your relationship isn’t full of the passion and joy you used to have, it may very well be that you have let the fun die.
And when the fun dies, the entire relationship often goes with it. After all, fun helps keep your marriage glued together because it strengthens the emotional connection between you and your spouse.
To keep your marriage nourished requires having or creating fun experiences with your partner. Of course, you need to carve the time to make this happen.
Maybe going out and having a good time is complicated by your hurt and angry feelings. Your bad emotions might feel so intense that you simply don’t think you
can enjoy time with your partner. Another problem may be that you simply have no idea what to do together. You might have a hard time coming up with fun activities. Or, you might have a sense of what you like to do independently, but you have no idea what you could do together.
But if you want to save your marriage, you need to figure it out. You’ll be richly rewarded – with a glowing, positive balance in a certain bank.
The Secret of Successful Couples
So, let’s reveal the secret of those couples who experience conflict like the rest of us and yet their marriages stand the test of time. These couples do one very important thing: they rack up the balance of positive experiences in their marriage to counteract the negative ones.
Think of it as your marriage’s love bank: plenty of deposits in the form of positive, fun experiences and minimal withdrawals in the form of conflict and fights.
Let’s get you started on filling your love bank with the following tips:
Tip 1: Start Small
Don’t begin this process by taking your dream vacation together. Instead, start with something simple like going out together for a cup of coffee, or going for a walk in the park together. You can build your time and pleasurable activities together as your comfort level increases.
Tip 2: Push Your Marriage’s Boundaries
Be gentle with yourselves, but at the same time push to have some fun together. It may be hard at first, especially when you are dealing with so many difficult
problems in your marriage. But if you let the fun die, you are only going to increase your problems.
Tip 3: Brainstorm… Together
For those of you who have a difficult time deciding what to do, or have a hard time coming up with creative date activities, I recommend brainstorming.
Look through your local paper, check in about events that are going on in your community, think about ways you can take advantage of your surroundings (living in the country versus the city will make a big difference in terms of the kinds of local activities you might find), and make a list of every single fun activity you can think of doing with your partner.
Tip 4: Is Lack of Money an Excuse?
If your financial picture is less than stable, here’s a sample list you can use to get your own creative juices flowing:
- Free days at the local museum
- Free concerts in the park
- Community walks
- Hikes
- Garden explorations
- Family days at the local aquarium
- Wine tasting
- Church socials/dinners
- Dances
- Farmers’ markets
- Bike rides
- Have a picnic with or without other friends
- Have a barbeque with or without other friends
As you can see, it doesn’t have to cost a lot of money to go out and have fun with your partner. You can spend as much or as little as your budget allows. What’s more, you can spend more or less time having fun depending on what your schedules allow.
My best to you as you and your spouse fill your love bank and save your marriage.
When is the last time you had fun with your spouse? What did you do?
Can you remember when your love bank’s balance shifted and became weighted more to the negative side?
What are things you did before that you enjoyed together? What stops you from doing them this week?
Please share your ideas and personal experiences on this topic with other members of the community.
Wishing you hope and healing for your marriage,
Stephanie Anderson
Editor-in-Chief
Marriage Sherpa
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Anniesheart 1, thats good advice! I can only aspire to blessing all the other women in my husband’s life. For now, the best I can do is put them out of my head and forgive him for the pain he has brought into our lives, and lighten up on myself for finding it so hard to move past it all. For me, it begins with being patient and empathic with myself first – and then find it in my heart to begin to forgive him. Sometime down the road, when I have that bit fully in place, I can maybe turn my attention to ‘blessing’ the OW. Right now, it only gets me going!!
But I know you are right! Thanks xx
Doro, I had to say it in the beginning whether I wanted to or not. I told God, I don’t want to bless these people, but I know its the right thing for me to do. I didn’t understand it at the beginning, but now I realize why.
My understanding is that they need these blessings because of alot of different reasons. Some did not know the spouse was married. Some knew, but were having their own marital problems. Some knew, but were lonely for a caring person to pick them up, and fulfil that loneliness. Some knew, and didn’t care about the pain they were causing. I could go on and on. Anyway I look at it, if God is allowing me to ask for blessings for them, then he is allowing them the opportunity to come around and realize the pain and agony that has been caused to so many. And, in these blessings and forgiveness that I offer through God, it has picked me up to another place of peace and fulfillment in my own life.
Whether any of these women ever come forward, doesn’t matter to me. I am doing what I can in my power to help them understand the wrongs done. In my power, I am healing myself, through Gods love. I have found out so much in the last few weeks about me, and about my healing, about how much I change my life by asking for these two things daily. Yes it hurts to ask that for them, but I understand also, why.
Eve, fun is what you make of it. Lady, stand strong, be strong, talk strong, love, love, love. Keep love in your thoughts, your actions, your words. Anytime negative comes up, change it into positive. Its not easy, but well worth it. Have fun with your kids. Have fun with you. But you have to love you, think love for you, think love for your kids, and even your spouse. Change does not come overnite for anyone. You have to be ready to start taking it, ready to envelope your life with it. It happens easier when you are ready for that change. I think that is what happened with my husband, he was ready.
And the funny thing is, he is playing music with his stepson from a previous marraige, who is actively involved in church, and I think he must be talking to my husband, or saying something. I see a change.
I am not over this, and will not be for a long long time. I think my husband realized that a couple of days ago, as I saw a very suprized, shocked kindof funny look when we were talking about someone elses problems. I stated yeah, it hurts way too much still. But, I realize, that in order for me to go forward and live my life with all I have, to love with all I have, I have to forgive and let it go.
I feel a change, I see a change, and I see a change in how people are responding to me. Its crazy wonderful. Yes there are days I tell myself when I am on a down, divorce wont be bad, but then I realize that all the time I am putting in is worth it now.
HOPE, FAITH, LOVE, PATIENCE.
FORGIVENESS
PRAYER
GOD
Walk with Him, love Him.
Anniesheart1, it is incredible of you to be able to get to a point of blessing the OW. I could pretend to, as I’m familiar with the concept, but at this point trying to bless her just brings my hackles up!
I admire you for it though.
Eve, it sounds like your husband is a little bit like mine. Weeping in front of him doesn’t bring a soothing response, it just reminds him of how difficult all this is for HIM. In our case, my husband seemed to have one word for all emotion – “anger!” If I was crying, he thought I was angry. If I was grief-stricken or heart-broken he thought I was angry… and so on. Then he felt he had to withdraw or ‘defend himself’. All I really wanted was a hug – some sign that he cared about how I was feeling.
This was particularly difficult, because our beloved son had just died suddenly, right before I found out about the affairs. I was decimated! But my husband interpreted only ‘anger’ – and kept his distance.
It IS hard to restore the fun, or to even remember what used to be fun. In my case, it was only when I learned to keep my feelings to myself and only share the most simplistic feelings with him, that things began to change a bit. Like, “I’m feeling sad; I could use a hug” – that sort of thing. With no further information. Baby steps! Its very tough, isn’t it? But if they were already emotionally mature, maybe they would never have had all those affairs?
Fun? What is fun? I don’t remember anymore. This blog is particularly painful for me. This is my biggest problem in moving forward/forgiving. He isn’t interested in doing things with me, having “fun” with me… We never go anywhere or do anything without our kids being there. I have asked, pleaded, over and over, but he just isn’t interested. He always made time for the OW. He didn’t take the kids when he went to spend time with her. He obviously valued the time he spent with her – he was almost willing to sacrifice his family for it. He doesn’t see me in that same way. I am “grouped” with our children. I want to feel valued as a person, as a woman. He could do that for her, why can’t he do it for me? I have sobbed while explaining to him the pain I feel over this issue, he doesn’t seem to understand how important this is to me.
If we are going to go forward, we have to realize yes, forward. It is really a very hard choice to make, to know that even in going forward, there could be difficult times. But, to me, it is so worth it. I cannot let what has happened stop us from moving in a healthy way forward.
I can’t change the past, I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I can live today, and decide each moment how I want to live it. I am in control of me.
He was lost I think, and I told him so. Fun is fun, as long as you don’t hurt someone. Pretending that feelings aren’t being hurt while cheating, cause they don’t know, is kindof a falsoe assumption. I know I had feelings, just couldn’t back them up. And with those feelings, came uncertainy, and toher negative emotions. And then I started withdrawing from him, as I felt him push me away. I don’t know how to explain.
He started doing things more without me, and then in my pity, I withdrew more. What a devastating pattern. Now, we are doing what we used to do that brought us together. Horseback riding, hunting, playing guitars. We have started some new hobbies as well, and it has been fun.
I have forgiven, and I will continue to forgive all of them. I also read somewhere about blessing those that have hurt you, so guess what? I am asking for blessings for all of them, as I am beginning to understand why I would want to do that. It is difficult, and I tell God that when I am praying, but I know in my heart it is the right thing to do.
And, I feel really good about it all. I am not going to let images, memories that are bad, thoughts control my life anymore. I have given it to God, and life is better for me than it ever has been that I can remember.
I love my husband so much, and I am trying to do what is right for ME. But I will not go back to being a doormat, God didn’t want that for me. I am a good wife, a loving wife, I cook, clean, work hard, work hard around our house, I am the camp cook when camping, I am not a frilly girl, not afraid to get dirty if need. But I am hard from perfect. In all of this, I have realized my own shortcomings, and look at what I could have done to help him understand our relation. What I can do now, to change our relation to the better, and I am doing so.
I am independent of him. I am not needy or clingy. I stand up to him when needed. I voice my opinion. I don’t cry when hurt, I let him know when he offends me in any way. I am forcing myself out of my comfort zone, and in doing so, he is coming to me, maybe he thinks that I am doing all of this to go on without him. I am doing it to make our relationship better, and it is getting there.
I pray so much now, and I think about what I pray, not just going through motions. It is so helpful, and I do know that God is helping me through. Being patient is so hard, but it is good as well.
I am loving with all my heart, all things.
The damage has been done. It has. But I read this somewhere the other day and it helped.
- The First Step to Forgiveness means Giving up the Possibility of a Better Past -
That is so true. None of us here can hope for any possibility of a better past. The damage IS done from that perspective.
But the future isn’t written yet. The one thing that we all seem to have in common is that we have discovered a part of ourselves that’s big enough to be willing to work through the problems and try to work it out.
We grapple with our frustrations and our difficult spouses, yet we keep finding the strength somewhere inside, despite the pain and anger and devastation.
We must have had this strength all the time without realizing…. otherwise, maybe we would have cheated too when the going got tough! But we didn’t. Our spouses don’t seem to have that inner strength. They were weaker than us, and they made terrible choices and threw away responsibility for themselves and their actions. (Funny that so many of them thought they were the strong one
Most of our spouses still seem to be pretty weak, when it comes to making amends and sorting it out. Even though we are all hurting here, and grappling with intense feelings, we do all seem to be the stronger part of the couple. The ones who hang in there for the possibility for a better future. We all seem to have made it this far. It’s worth taking a moment to appreciate whatever that inner strength is that is leading us forward…
How many of us guessed we even had it in us to face something as horrific as this?..and survive.. and even make small steps of progress?.. and keep going? We all still have the Possibility of a Better Future! Even if it doesn’t always feel that way.
Yes, Ray,
Damage has been done, and it really really hurts. But, I have to make choices for me, that will now, affect me, the rest of my life. I refuse to let this hold over me as I dont want to be miserable. Yes, my husband did me wrong. He did something that just tore my heart out, stomped on it, and now, has picked it up and is brushing it off and trying to help place it back.
Silence for some people is their way of trying to come to terms with what they done. It is very difficult to talk about the things that matter so much to them. I know, because I am learning to talk, about what hurts me, what makes me happy, and on. I have a tendency to hold inside and not share. So my usual response when asked whats wrong was nothing. Even though obviously there was something wrong.
So, now, I have and am continueing to learn to talk. If he asks, I tell him, and then we usually have a short conversation and move on. We don’t try to dwell on it, as this then brings back bad feelings. I have realized dwelling is bad for me. It brings bitterness, hatred, anger, negativity into my head. And that is not good.
I realize that I will never know all the facts behind these affairs, yet, even if it was told, I don’t know if it would be believed by me, and I know that I would move forward. If I find out that he is back to these tricks, then it will be done. Oviously, then, he is not happy, and I would not be either.
We are horseback riding again, something that we have really not done together in a few years. He had our nephews and some friends that were coming over quite a lot over the last 6 years, and then just the friends he had, most younger, and I do believe that was some of the biggest effects on him. They would bring over girl friends, and of course he had to make sure his image was good, “God’s gift to everyone”.
When you see your friends single, nephews that are running around, knowing your brother is married and playing around as well, you maybe have a desire to see if you can do it too. He had some friends that he played music with as well, and they rode together to the dances they played at. Well, time together like that will lead to closeness. They both denied that they were seeing each other.
He had others, and yeah, it hurts to see them now. I know. I know as I reflect on behaviours, looks, and now I realize how much I must trust me. My feelings, my instincts.
I did become close to one of our friends throughout this time, as I felt my husband pushing me away again. I almost left him at that time. But, another friend asked me to make sure that I had reasons that were justified, was it really what I wanted to do and so on.
I worked through it all. Doing the best that I could, with what resources that I had. Have I failed? Maybe, but in that failure, I have learned lessons about me, about how I can survive this crap, how I can put my trust in myself to know when I feel something, that its right spot on.
We have started restoring items that we find a yardsales together and it has been really good for both of us. We always wanted to get an old vehicle and restore it, but money is the problem. But this is a start, and it has been good, as we decide together colors, styles, modifications and other stuff.
Our marriage was never perfect, except maybe at the beginning. But, I always told myself to keep on, no matter what. I am a bit old fashioned in a lot of ways, I was brought up that way, and so, one of those was to work out your problems. This is my second marriage, and as I look back, I realized that my first marriage could have been saved, but hindsight doesn’t do much good for that, other than I can start using it on this one.
I was selfish in some ways, I felt that I deserved things, and I was influenced by my father, who lived a hundred yards away. In seeing all of this, I have realized that I have probably influenced my husband in his directions as well as the influence he had on me. I know that I am not perfect. Did I deserve these affairs to come about? NO, nobody does. It still was a choice made by my husband to do so, despite our problems, conflicts, his jealousy, anger, it was still his choice. His anger did not allow him to come to me with his feelings of unjustified jealousy.
In all of this, I have grown so much, knowing me, and that is so important as now I can see where I need to work on my own self, and he has seen his shortcomings. For the spouses that don’t want to talk, those that care are suffering alot. The guilt is there, the shame is there, and for some the disbelief that their wife/husband still is willing to work it out is hard for them, as they may feel not worthy. They may still try to lash out in ways to protect themselves, as they are probably treading on unknown waters.
I cannot tell any of you what to do, I just speak from my heart, from the pain, from my own shortcomings of myself. I know me so much better. My strength is growing, and my faith is growing. God is here for me, and as I continually pray every day, I feel my strength growing. It is something that I cannot explain, but what I am feeling is affecting us both, and our children. In a good way.
My best advice is prayer, open your heart, your soul, your spirit, and pray to God, with God, and when those tears start falling down your face, you will feel Him and know.
God bless you all, I have you in my prayers.
Shelly-
You know the thing is: It takes only ONE to DESTROY a marriage, but TWO to fix it. The funny thing is : is that I didn’t know anything was wrong, she could of told me something was missing or wrong that needed to be address right? The truth is that if she ever lies or betrays me again I will have NO problem dropping her and making sure she pays a bigger price, but you are so right she doesn’t think to say anything or ask to be forgiving, I think she has forgiving herself. You know now I must work on a marriage that I thought was never broken. I really should just move on to be honest, but you are right other factors( a child and finance). KARMA
Ray,
You are so right! So much damage has already been done! It is very hard to hold things together if only one person in the marriage is working on it!
Everyday you just wonder “okay, what’s next”. I’m doing the coaching on here & she is great, but I think we all pretty much know what we should do: its just doing it that is the hard part. How long do you continue trying.
My husband is so quiet & reserved & I never know what he is thinking & what his motives in our marriage are.
I agree that everyone says to work on ourselves. So much easier said than done when we are still trying to continue our everyday lives & live with all of this emotional baggage! I’m so jealous of everyone on here that have spouses that are sooo sorry & are begging their spouses forgiveness. My husband would never beg or act as weak as that may appear for him to look!
Thank God for these forums! We can share how we feel & get some great advice as well.
Don’t give up Ray!
Annieheart1
I had a buudy tell me once that the problem with saying your SORRY is that the DAMAGE is DONE ALREADY. I am not saying that I did everything right in our relationship, but at NO time did I deserve what happen to me, and whatever I did wrong she (my wife) payed me back over 300 times(get that). It just really sucks, just the other day my wife hid something from me ( not a really biggie) but still not being totally honest or forthcomming about things, I guess she didn’t lie, but I don’t want a marriage like this. I really do hope all others with CRUSHED hearts in time find a better other, or some type of mended heart. Good luck fellow BETRAYED OTHERS.
Thank you for posting, and yes,, I really agree. There are enough bills, disappointments, and problems to fill every day. It is important to get away often and just relax with your spouse.
I could not agree more. having FUN is important. It makes the challenging times worth pushing through. I think the other part of the equation is forgiveness. Both partners must become champions at forgiving. It makes problems go away.
We are going to try this. Simply because if we dont .. i am going to leave him. I am feeling tired of my relationship and my husband. On the other hand I love him sooooo very much. I will try this and get back to you if you like..
take care.
Sheila.