Are you haunted by thoughts that your spouse is still unfaithful? Post-affair, questions of “is my spouse still unfaithful” can keep you awake at night, worried that your spouse will cheat again.

Suspicion is natural after an affair. But some suspicions are reasonable and others aren’t. Try to distinguish between the two as you work through your post-affair emotions.

In today’s blog, I want to share with you 3 signs that your marriage may be safe from further infidelity. Please keep reading…

Wanting a Faithfulness Guarantee

If you watch every one of your spouse’s actions, trying to detect any hint that he or she is cheating again, you’re not alone. It’s not at all uncommon for affair victims to go through this.

You probably want to forgive your spouse, rebuild trust and save your marriage. But how can you do that when you aren’t certain your spouse isn’t still being unfaithful, or won’t betray you again?

This is a very difficult dilemma, and many people who are trying to recover from affairs struggle with it. It’s almost an internal tug-of-war: you want the marriage to work, and yet, you’re held back to some extent because you’re so fearful of your spouse pulling the wool over your eyes again.

Most affair victims want absolute, irrefutable proof that their spouse is not cheating, and won’t ever cheat again. But, there’s no way to be absolutely certain that your spouse won’t cheat again – which is why you are in a state of uncertainty and find yourself unable to move forward.


End the Affair NOW and Save Your Marriage from Divorce

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The real solution comes when your spouse changes his or her character. This means they recognize they had a character problem, and decide they never want to be the kind of person who lies or cheats from this point forward. In addition, you should see that he or she is truly embarrassed and remorseful about having been the kind of person who did something like that in the past.

Just the same, I can help you hone your cheating radar – if only because it may make you feel better to be able to tell whether or not your spouse is still unfaithful.

Next, we’ll look at how to recognize some signs that you may be safe from having your spouse cheat again or that they are still unfaithful.

Signs your Marriage May be Cheating-Safe

First of all, these signs ARE NOT a guarantee one way or the other. However, these signs can give you some indication of how safe you are in your marriage.

Use these, along with your natural intuition – which is your gut telling you what your eyes are unable to see.

Sign #1: Spouse Listens to Your Expression of Pain

One key indicator for how serious your partner is about remaining faithful to you is his or her willingness to listen to your pain and openly and actively engage in conversations about the affair.

That means your partner should be willing to listen to you, even when you are saying the same things each conversation, about how hurt you were by the affair, especially as you work through the early stages of healing.

It also means that he or she should actively listen to what you have to say about your relationship, and should actively communicate his or her feelings about the marriage as well.

If your partner won’t listen to you, or you are having problems communicating it doesn’t necessarily mean another affair will occur. It just may mean your spouse needs to learn how to communicate better, so any attempt to try to do so is a good sign, because problems communicating and no attempts to fix it are not a good sign for your marriage.

Sign #2: Offering a Total Apology

Another sign that your partner is serious about remaining faithful is the quality of his or her apology. If you have yet to hear an apology, that’s a bad sign. But hearing one isn’t necessarily good, if it sounds like this: “I already said I’m sorry, so let’s not bring it up again, okay?”

After the damage a cheating spouse’s affair has caused, it’s going to take quite a bit more than a one- or two-time “sorry” to achieve a full and complete apology.

Here are characteristics of a full apology:

* Understanding and identification with the injured spouse’s pain

* A frank acknowledgement that what the cheater did was wrong

* Agreement from the affair victim that they feel you really understand how hurt they are
* Effort on behalf of the cheater to repair the parts of their character that allowed the lying and cheating

* A statement from the cheater about their commitment to the marriage

* An unequivocal promise that the cheater will remain faithful from now forward

Sign #3: The Cheater Becomes Open and Transparent

Another sign that indicates how likely it is your spouse will cheat again is if he or she acts defensive and self-protective instead of being open and transparent. To put it simply, the more open and transparent your spouse is, the more he or she is demonstrating a change in behavior and attitude.

After an affair, it is the cheater’s responsibility to work on opening up and becoming transparent. If you don’t see that happening, it may be a warning sign.

If the cheater is being defensive, secretive, lying, withholding information, or otherwise being less than open, there may be something going on behind the scenes.

Fully intimate marriages consistent of a free and open exchange of information.

My best to you as you recover from post-affair trauma.

At what point do you feel you’ll be comfortable that your spouse isn’t still unfaithful?

What guarantees have you tried to obtain from your spouse, if any?

Do you believe you will be able to rebuild trust in your spouse once again?

Please share your ideas and personal experiences on this topic with other members of the community.

Wishing you hope and healing for your marriage,

Stephanie Anderson


Marriage Sherpa

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