Cheating Men: End the Lies

September 23rd, 2011

Cheating men (and women) have one thing in common: they’ve lied to their spouse, if not in word, then most definitely in deed – and their spouse wants to know how to end the lies.

If you have been lied to by your partner, you probably feel devastated. You may be struggling with emotions such as overwhelming anger, sadness, grief and depression, your head whirling with negative thoughts and images.

It’s not uncommon for affair victims to ask how to end the lies that have overtaken their marriage. In this blog, we’ll look at three tips. Read on…

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How to Save Your Marriage through Honesty

September 16th, 2011

Most spouses can forgive a lot of shortcomings in a marriage.
But what about lies and deceit?
When we tell anything less than the truth in our relationships, we are asking a lot from our spouse to forgive us, to believe in us, to trust our words and our actions. To save your marriage, you need honesty, truth and openness.
A common question that relationship experts get is, “How can I make my spouse tell the truth?” In this blog, we’ll examine this question, review a child’s fable, and see how to save your marriage by making a change and implementing a method for honesty. Read on…

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The Hidden Danger in Rebuilding Honesty

June 1st, 2011

Is honesty really the best policy?

It’s a question that many of us may struggle with from time to time. But in a marriage – especially post-affair – honesty is a must-do. Without it, your marriage likely will not survive.

In this blog, we’ll look at honesty and its place in your marriage. But keep reading to discover two surprising dangers associated with adhering to “honesty is the best policy.”

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Ask for This to Rebuild Trust After the Affair

May 18th, 2011

Anyone can be duped by a good liar. Were you?

As the victim of an affair, you were duped to some degree, either through outright tall tales, or the withholding of information and carrying out of deceptive actions.

If you want to save your marriage and rebuild trust and honestly, read on to learn two reassurances you can ask for from your cheating spouse to help you trust once again.

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Can You Rebuild Trust When Your Spouse Is Miles Away?

March 2nd, 2010

“My husband works in sales, and he attends at least five conferences each year. He’s cheated on me twice with women he’s met at the conferences. I want to believe it won’t happen again, but then I picture him at the hotel bar, sitting next to an attractive woman. Two or three drinks later, he’s lost his inhibitions – and broken his promise to stay faithful.”

“Because of her high-powered job, my wife travels all over the world. She met Stephen on a trip to London, and they slept together. She confessed the affair to me, but I still feel sick when I think of her traveling to London. After all, Stephen is still there. And if it happened once..”

Do these scenarios sound familiar to you? These are just two of the many, many stories I have heard over the years. For a cheating spouse, travel can be the perfect excuse to meet up with a paramour or to have a one-night stand. For the injured party, each business trip can create feelings of suspicion, anger, and fear.

How can you rebuild your marriage when your spouse is so far away? How can you maintain honesty when you are sleeping alone at home, and she’s in a hotel halfway around the world?

It is possible to protect and strengthen your marriage – even when you and your spouse are separated by hundreds of miles. Here are some strategies that have I have seen work.

Coping with the First Business Trip After the Confession

You’ve found out about the affair. You’ve argued, cried, questioned, and slowly attempted to rebuild. But now, the calendar looks like a doomsday clock. Your spouse is going on a business trip in two days. Will he cheat again? Will he be tempted by a woman at the sales convention? Will he sleep with his sexy colleague?

You may be thinking, “There is no way I can trust him.” This is a completely natural and common thought. But let me suggest to you that there are ways in which you can rebuild trust in your partner again. First, there are probably other ways in which he has never violated your trust. This is because trust takes many different forms.

Your partner has broken the first form of trust: fidelity. That is huge. But consider the other ways in which you might still trust your partner, including:

Form of Trust: Emotional Predictability – Knowing Your Partner Will React Within Reason.
You probably have a good idea of how your spouse will react to certain situations. If you can’t attend a family reunion because of an important medical appointment, you can probably count on your partner not becoming violent. If dinner is late because you were picking up the kids at their soccer game, you feel safe that he will not scream and storm out of the house.

Emotional predictability is incredibly important – and the sad truth is that not everyone in the world can count on it. It is extremely painful if you do not have this level of predictability in your relationship. If you have never stopped to think about it, that probably means you trust your spouse in this area.

How else might you already trust your spouse? Consider:

Form of Trust: Discretion – Keeping Secrets Secret. Discretion is a key form of trust. This means that you:

1) trust that your partner will keep private information private, and

2) trust that your partner will not make fun of you in a hurtful way.

Everyone has stories that are embarrassing or personal. In a marriage, you share things about your past that you likely wouldn’t share with anyone else. You trust that your partner will treat these issues with sensitivity and respect. You trust that he will not tell anyone else these things, because that would be hurtful. If this isn’t a problem for you, then you have just identified another area of trust in your relationship.

In my system How to Rebuild the Honesty, I discuss “The 7 Forms of Trust: Learning How You Still Trust Your Partner… Even Now.” I encourage you to read about these forms of trust. They will help you identify strengths and weaknesses within your relationship.

Once you know and understand each of these forms of trust and how to use them, it will help you:

  • Build a more transparent relationship…
  • Motivate your spouse to share everything with you…
  • Reduce suspicion…
  • Help you communicate your suspicion without igniting a firefight…
  • Create a clean slate to start over again…
  • Build a fence of protection around your relationship…

Discover how to strengthen your relationship with complete honesty.

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How to End the Lies: Learning to Be Transparent Part 3

December 22nd, 2009

You no longer trust your spouse. That’s the crux of the problem. When he goes to work you wonder whether or not he is in contact with “her.” When she goes out dancing on the weekend with her girlfriends you wonder if “he” will be there.

When your spouse is home late from work without calling, it sets off a series of paranoid images that flash through your mind like a horror film. When you call his cell phone or office and there is no answer, you automatically assume he is at her place .

You’re suspicious. And it’s eating you alive.

This unwelcome change in your psyche is an unfortunate but absolutely natural outcome when you have suffered from an affair. You have been lied to so regularly for so long that you can’t help but wonder whether or not anything your spouse says or does is genuine.

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How to Rebuild Honesty (Part 3): Building a Fence Around Your Marriage

November 10th, 2009

Do you want to know one way affairs often happen? Let me tell you a story.

John and Shirley were friends with Tom and Debbie. Debbie, Tom’s wife, worked in the same office building as John, so they often went out to lunch together.

These lunch meetings weren’t secret. Shirley and Tom both knew about them. In fact, no one thought much of it, because they were all such good friends and the situation seemed “safe.”

One day Debbie met John for lunch in tears. She and Tom were having problems in their marriage. To try and console her, John gave Debbie a hug. The hug went on a few moments too long and Debbie and John both felt a spark.

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How to Rebuild Honesty (Part 2): Learning to be Transparent

November 3rd, 2009

Have you been truly honest with your spouse?

Has your spouse been truly honest with you?

If you have suffered from an affair or some other breach of trust (and you are being honest with yourself), you will likely answer “no” to at least one of these questions.

The reason is fairly obvious, yet it bears mentioning: When trust is broken in a marriage, it means that at least one spouse has been dishonest.

One of the keys to a successful marriage and building trust is the free and open exchange of information or being open and honest with each other.

When the lines of communication are tampered with or closed down by lies and deceit, it sets off a chain reaction in which the person being lied to closes down to protect him or her self from future lies.

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When the Honesty Crumbles…

May 5th, 2009

When the Honesty Crumbles .

Have you been suffering through a storm of lies and deceit in your marriage? Are you wondering, at this moment, whether or not you can trust what your spouse is telling you about where he is, who he’s with, or what he’s doing? If so, then you’ve probably realized one important truth about relationships:

Honesty and trust are as important as love for a truly wonderful marriage.

It’s true. I know a lot of people out there will tell you that a relationship can’t exist without love; that love is the foundation of a good marriage. And I would agree. But sometimes people who focus exclusively on the importance of love overlook how critical honesty and trust are in a relationship.

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