The Hidden Danger in Rebuilding Honesty

June 1st, 2011

Is honesty really the best policy?

It’s a question that many of us may struggle with from time to time. But in a marriage – especially post-affair – honesty is a must-do. Without it, your marriage likely will not survive.

In this blog, we’ll look at honesty and its place in your marriage. But keep reading to discover two surprising dangers associated with adhering to “honesty is the best policy.”

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Ask for This to Rebuild Trust After the Affair

May 18th, 2011

Anyone can be duped by a good liar. Were you?

As the victim of an affair, you were duped to some degree, either through outright tall tales, or the withholding of information and carrying out of deceptive actions.

If you want to save your marriage and rebuild trust and honestly, read on to learn two reassurances you can ask for from your cheating spouse to help you trust once again.

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Adultery: Trusting Your Spouse After the Affair

March 17th, 2011

So you may not be able to say at this moment, “I 100% trust my spouse.” But if you were to discover that you could trust your spouse 25%, 50%–or even 75%, how would that make you feel about the chances of success for saving your marriage?

The shockwave of an affair is widespread: your feelings are crushed, your heart aches, and your marriage foundation has crumbled into pieces.

But what many victims of an affair find most devastating is having their trust in their spouse and in their marriage vows destroyed. Nothing annihilates trust like a spouse’s affair. You know that without trust, efforts to save your marriage are doomed.

In this blog, we’re going to look at 3 forms of trust in a relationship, and how to rate how much trust you really have in your spouse.

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Guidelines for Creating a Code of Transparency in your Marriage

January 24th, 2011

The trust you had in your spouse has been ruptured. You want to save your marriage, yet, you don’t know how to find a way to trust your partner again.
But if you don’t—you realize that will mean the end of your marriage. You’re in a stalemate: you don’t trust your spouse, and your spouse doesn’t know how to make you believe what they’re saying, and you keep waiting to know that your spouse is being honest with you.
That’s where your attempts to save your marriage may be faltering: what you’re focusing on. Read on to learn the basic guidelines for rebuilding trust—by establishing a Code of Transparency.

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Can You Rebuild Trust When Your Spouse Is Miles Away?

March 2nd, 2010

“My husband works in sales, and he attends at least five conferences each year. He’s cheated on me twice with women he’s met at the conferences. I want to believe it won’t happen again, but then I picture him at the hotel bar, sitting next to an attractive woman. Two or three drinks later, he’s lost his inhibitions – and broken his promise to stay faithful.”

“Because of her high-powered job, my wife travels all over the world. She met Stephen on a trip to London, and they slept together. She confessed the affair to me, but I still feel sick when I think of her traveling to London. After all, Stephen is still there. And if it happened once..”

Do these scenarios sound familiar to you? These are just two of the many, many stories I have heard over the years. For a cheating spouse, travel can be the perfect excuse to meet up with a paramour or to have a one-night stand. For the injured party, each business trip can create feelings of suspicion, anger, and fear.

How can you rebuild your marriage when your spouse is so far away? How can you maintain honesty when you are sleeping alone at home, and she’s in a hotel halfway around the world?

It is possible to protect and strengthen your marriage – even when you and your spouse are separated by hundreds of miles. Here are some strategies that have I have seen work.

Coping with the First Business Trip After the Confession

You’ve found out about the affair. You’ve argued, cried, questioned, and slowly attempted to rebuild. But now, the calendar looks like a doomsday clock. Your spouse is going on a business trip in two days. Will he cheat again? Will he be tempted by a woman at the sales convention? Will he sleep with his sexy colleague?

You may be thinking, “There is no way I can trust him.” This is a completely natural and common thought. But let me suggest to you that there are ways in which you can rebuild trust in your partner again. First, there are probably other ways in which he has never violated your trust. This is because trust takes many different forms.

Your partner has broken the first form of trust: fidelity. That is huge. But consider the other ways in which you might still trust your partner, including:

Form of Trust: Emotional Predictability – Knowing Your Partner Will React Within Reason.
You probably have a good idea of how your spouse will react to certain situations. If you can’t attend a family reunion because of an important medical appointment, you can probably count on your partner not becoming violent. If dinner is late because you were picking up the kids at their soccer game, you feel safe that he will not scream and storm out of the house.

Emotional predictability is incredibly important – and the sad truth is that not everyone in the world can count on it. It is extremely painful if you do not have this level of predictability in your relationship. If you have never stopped to think about it, that probably means you trust your spouse in this area.

How else might you already trust your spouse? Consider:

Form of Trust: Discretion – Keeping Secrets Secret. Discretion is a key form of trust. This means that you:

1) trust that your partner will keep private information private, and

2) trust that your partner will not make fun of you in a hurtful way.

Everyone has stories that are embarrassing or personal. In a marriage, you share things about your past that you likely wouldn’t share with anyone else. You trust that your partner will treat these issues with sensitivity and respect. You trust that he will not tell anyone else these things, because that would be hurtful. If this isn’t a problem for you, then you have just identified another area of trust in your relationship.

In my system How to Rebuild the Honesty, I discuss “The 7 Forms of Trust: Learning How You Still Trust Your Partner… Even Now.” I encourage you to read about these forms of trust. They will help you identify strengths and weaknesses within your relationship.

Once you know and understand each of these forms of trust and how to use them, it will help you:

  • Build a more transparent relationship…
  • Motivate your spouse to share everything with you…
  • Reduce suspicion…
  • Help you communicate your suspicion without igniting a firefight…
  • Create a clean slate to start over again…
  • Build a fence of protection around your relationship…

Discover how to strengthen your relationship with complete honesty.

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Transparency Part 5: Keeping the Door Open

January 5th, 2010

How to End the Lies: Learning to Be Transparent Part 5

What you want most is to develop an open, honest relationship with your spouse that you can count on. You want to open the doors of communication and trust once more and keep them open so you’re marriage can flourish.

But how do you do this?

It’s an interesting question, and the answer involves a lot of different components. But if you have started employing the techniques for being transparent you learned in the last few articles, you should begin to sense a shift in your marriage.

It may feel like it takes you forever to get there. It will surely take a lot of work from both of you. But if you keep at it, eventually the tide will turn and the environment in your marriage will go from one of deceit to one of understanding and trust.

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How to End the Lies: Learning to Be Transparent Part 1

November 17th, 2009

You have lived in an environment of deceit. Your trust has been violated. You have been lied to and you need to find a way to trust your partner again. If you don’t, you are afraid it may mean the end of your marriage.

And you’re right. It may. It is essentially impossible to have an intimate, trusting marriage when your spouse lies to you. If the lies don’t stop, your marriage could be in danger of collapse.

When one spouse lies to another the result isn’t only a feeling of betrayal. Lying is a deliberate attempt at avoiding authentic communication and as a result you have likely closed up to protect yourself from the hurt of future lies. Read on to learn how to end the lies.

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How to Rebuild Honesty (Part 2): Learning to be Transparent

November 3rd, 2009

Have you been truly honest with your spouse?

Has your spouse been truly honest with you?

If you have suffered from an affair or some other breach of trust (and you are being honest with yourself), you will likely answer “no” to at least one of these questions.

The reason is fairly obvious, yet it bears mentioning: When trust is broken in a marriage, it means that at least one spouse has been dishonest.

One of the keys to a successful marriage and building trust is the free and open exchange of information or being open and honest with each other.

When the lines of communication are tampered with or closed down by lies and deceit, it sets off a chain reaction in which the person being lied to closes down to protect him or her self from future lies.

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Picking up the pieces after the affair…

August 18th, 2009

Are you still picking up the pieces of your relationship after the
affair. Has it been months… maybe years without any luck of
any positive change. If you are fighting to fix what has been
broken then I want to tell you a story…

Even though this may sound like a fairy tale, it certainly didn’t
start like one.

(I’ve changed the names, to protect the couple.)

Kevin was manager of a very successful restaurant
and Donna was a nurse. After being married for 17 years, 2 kids
and two very demanding jobs they emotionally grew apart.

Sound familiar?

What made it worse is when Kevin came home and dropped the

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Is Your Spouse Still Cheating? . Part 2

July 21st, 2009

“He seems to be doing all the right things, but he pulled the wool over my eyes before. Are there any signs that tell me whether or not he will cheat on me again?”

Are you haunted by thoughts like this? Do you wake up at night worried that your spouse will cheat again? Do you watch every one of his actions, like a hawk, trying to detect even the smallest sign that he or she is cheating again?

If so, you’re not alone.

You probably want to forgive your spouse. You probably want to “go back to the way things were.” You may even be committed to making your relationship better than it has ever been.

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