Surviving infidelity and the emotional pain it causes is one of the most challenging things you’ll ever get through. Cheating causes a tsunami of painful emotions. Even the cheater isn’t immune to the emotional turmoil.
But the cheater’s turmoil can’t even begin to compare to the pain that you, as the victim of cheating, experiences. A spouse’s infidelity unleashes raw waves of emotion, creating ongoing internal devastation.
It can be tempting to want to sidestep these emotions, tamp them down, ignore them. But it’s not a healthy option if you’re interested in surviving infidelity.
In this blog, I want to share with you 3 options for processing those emotions in a way that is healthy—and that moves you forward so you can survive infidelity and salvage the pieces of your marriage.
Broadsided by Infidelity
If your spouse cheated on you, you’ve no doubt been reeling with the emotional backlash since the revelation. And if you were the one who cheated—you have your own emotional issues to work through.
But today’s blog is for the victims of the affair. As a victim, you didn’t have a say in the decision, you weren’t consulted, you were lied to and deceived into believing everything was going along as normal. Nothing prepared you for this, and that’s what makes it even more challenging.
When you are slammed with the news of your spouse’s cheating, it spins your world around. You may have had your suspicions, but until you unequivocally know the truth that your spouse had an affair, there’s really nothing to prepare you for what comes next.
Negative emotions take over. You as the victim feel as if you’ve lost control. The rug has been pulled out from under you—and you can’t seem to gain your feet. A daily cocktail of emotions is what you’re served, made up of anger, feelings of betrayal, pain, jealousy, intense shame, and uncertainty about the future, and who you are in that future—and whether your marriage will even survive into the future.
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Reeling from these waves of pain, it is tempting to want to escape and hide yourself away from them, anything to avoid that pull down into the emotional abyss. You may have had moments where you feel yourself internally closing a door on them, and telling yourself “I’m fine. It’s no big deal. I’ll make it through.”
The only way to truly make it through, in a meaningful way that allows you to reclaim your sense of self while healing these deep wounds, is to work through each and every one of those painful emotions in your quest of surviving infidelity and moving on.
Let’s look at 3 options from which to choose to get you started in confronting this internal demon of emotional pain so you can begin healing.
Emotion Healing Option 1: Breath
When we’re under pressure and feeling stressed, our breathing changes: it tends to become more shallow.
As an affair victim, you are experiencing immense stress. Your emotional pain leaves you feeling exhausted, mentally and physically. A simple method to help revitalize you and ease some of that pressure is to take the time to focus on your breath, breathing in deeply and slowly exhaling. Control the breath, focusing on feeling it move down into your stomach, and then exhaling in a controlled manner.
Some people report that when they first try this very simple exercise, it can leave them feeling lightheaded. But deep, controlled breaths are healthy, so it shows that you are physically existing in an unhealthy, anxious state when it feels odd to breathe this way.
Emotion Healing Option 2: Positive Distraction
A positive distraction is one in which you give yourself a break from the emotions you’re experiencing. A negative distraction would be something such as obsessively scrubbing floors to avoid the emotion.
A positive distraction differs in that you aren’t running and hiding from anything—you’re just taking a time-out to do an activity you enjoy and that keeps your attention for a bit. It provides a way to move through the hurdle of that negative emotion.
Emotion Healing Option 3: Self-Nurture
Keep up with taking care of yourself. Many affair victims are so distraught, they find they don’t have an appetite and therefore don’t eat properly, or care about their personal appearance or feel motivated to exercise.
But when you are in emotional distress, it is all the more reason to take care of yourself. Your body needs nurturing now, more than ever. It will be a welcome salve to the raw wounds you are recovering from.
My best wishes for you as you heal from the emotional pain of infidelity.
How have you processed the emotional aftermath of the affair?
Have you neglected your own needs, such as engaging in the activities you enjoy and taking care of yourself?
What steps have you taken to process the emotional pain of infidelity?
Please share your thoughts and experiences regarding this critical issue of trust.
Wishing you hope and healing for your marriage,
Stephanie Anderson
Editor-in-Chief
Marriage Sherpa
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Lovely encouragement from a man to men .,…standing for your wife …
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Surely They Will Live –
“Do I take any pleasure in the death of the wicked? declares the
Sovereign Lord. Rather, am I not pleased when they turn from their
ways and live?” Ezekiel 18:23
God does not delight in the sins of man. Sin came into the world
through one man (Adam), resulting in man having to toil and sweat
over the land, and ultimately, die for his sins. In spite of sin
entering into the world, God’s desire was, and still is, for man to
be reconciled unto Himself. The curse of sin and death was broken by
the sacrifice of one man (Jesus), the Son of God, who died on a
cross for the forgiveness of all men’s sins. God loves all of his
children and desires that no one perish.
“And if I say to the wicked man, ‘You will surely die,’ but he then
turns away from his sin and does what is just and right – if he
gives back what he took in pledge for a loan, returns what he has
stolen, follows the decrees that give life, and does no evil, he
will surely live; he will not die. None of the sins he has committed
will be remembered against him. He has done what is just and right;
he will surely live.” Ezekiel 33:14-16
You are in a spiritual battle for the salvation of your beloved
spouse. Your spouse is being deceived by Satan to think that all joy
and happiness is only found through pursuing selfish wants and
desires, ignoring the precepts of God. Your enemy is not your
spouse, but Satan, who has blinded her to the truth of God’s Word.
The battle for your family is being fought in the heavenly realm
requiring that you offer up prayers and petitions unceasing to God
for the salvation of your spouse. If you stop praying for your
spouse and get on with your life as the world is so quick to
suggest, she will be lost forever to the trap of the evil one to
bring destruction to God’s beloved children.
“Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are
covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord does not count
against him and in whose spirit is no deceit.” Psalm 32:1-2
Pray for God to block the path of your spouse. Pray that her
waywardness is no longer pleasurable to her. Pray that God would
remove anything or anyone that is leading your spouse to live a
disobedient life. Pray that God would replace your wife’s stony
heart with a heart of flesh. Ask the Lord to lead your spouse along
the path of righteousness that leads to life, joy, peace and
happiness. God hears the prayers of His faithful ones offered up as
a sacrifice for the sinner. He will never give up on the lost,
softly calling them home.
“I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar
paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before
them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will
do; I will not forsake them.” Isaiah 42:16
God will not forsake the sinner. Those blinded by sin will be led
out of the darkness into light. God rejoices over each and every
sinner that turns from a life of destruction to follow the path of
righteousness. Pray that God will put a deep burden on your spouse’s
heart for the things of His kingdom. God can change the most
hardened of hearts. Pray that your spouse will have a “Damascus
Road” experience like Saul, having the scales removed from her eyes
to see the abundant life that is only available through Jesus
Christ.
“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will
counsel you and watch over you.” Psalm 32:8
God not only watches over His obedient ones, He is also watching
over the sinner. God still loves us in the midst of our sin. He
knows that sin only leads to death and His desire is for us to live
life abundantly in His grace. God will never stop searching for the
sinner, desiring to bring them home unto Himself.
“Jesus told them this parable: ‘Suppose one of you has a hundred
sheep and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in
the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And
when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes
home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and
says, “Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.” I tell you that
in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one
sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do
not need to repent.’” Luke 15:3-7
Did you catch that last verse? There is more rejoicing in heaven
over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons.
God cares for your spouse more than you could ever image. God’s
deepest desire is for your spouse to be reconciled unto Himself.
Never lose sight of this! God cares deeply for the sinner and
desires that they turn from their life of sin.
“‘Or suppose a woman has ten silver coins and loses one. Does she
not light a lamp, sweep the house and search carefully until she
finds it? And when she finds it, she calls her friends and neighbors
together and says, “Rejoice with me; I have found my lost coin.” In
the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the
angels of God over one sinner who repents.’” Luke 15:8-10
God never gives up on the sinner, nor should you. You may be the
only one praying for the salvation of your spouse. Who will pray for
her if it is not you? My wife went home to the Lord two short years
after we reconciled. I had prayed for more than eight years for the
healing of our marriage. Where would my wife be spending eternity if
I had given up on her and stopped praying for her salvation? You
have a huge responsibility to continuing praying for your spouse! Do
not miss this opportunity to be a blessing to your wife, even when
she resists all attempts at restoring your marriage. Your wife is a
prisoner of war, held captive by Satan to do his evil will. Bombard
heaven with your prayers, calling down angels to watch over and
protect your spouse from the evils that have entrapped her. Jesus
died on the cross, defeating Satan and his minions forever. Do not
lose hope for God desires to save all sinners from the pit of Hell.
“In all their distress he too was distressed, and the angel of his
presence saved them. In his love and mercy he redeemed them; he
lifted them up and carried them all the days of old.” Isaiah 63:9
“Here comes with power the Lord God, who rules by his strong arm;
here is his reward with him, his recompense before him. Like a
shepherd he feeds his flock; in his arms he gathers the lambs,
carrying them in his bosom, and leading the ewes with care.” Isaiah
40:10-11
Trust God to bring home your spouse. Praise Him for His mercy for
all sinners. Thank Him for His miracle working power over sin and
death. Rejoice with Him for every sinner that has returned home. May
He touch the heart of your spouse leading her home into your loving
arms and His.
God bless you, O faithful man of God!
Dennis L. Wingfield
Rejoice Marriage Ministries
JULIE
I am so sorry for your situation ..It is indeed one of the MOST painful and undeserved of wounds anyone can ever endure.
We just all did our taxes….we most likely checked the tax form or paid an accountant to be SURE that there were NO MISTAKES.
A mistake on a tax form brings about auditing or at the very least a PENALTY
Mistakes happen …affairs though not intended many times….are NOT mistakes…though when considered in the light of day …they truely ARE ‘mistakes’
Mistaken assumptions, mistaken identification of a ‘need’ which was nothing ,more than want or another ‘need’ that the person wanted to avoid dealing with .
I hope that your husband can eventually face the fact that his CHOICE to be involved with another women for FIVE years was a lot more than a ‘mistake’ but it was a snare ,that he STEPPED into …
After the first ‘mistake’ a wake up call SHOULD have happened…my own husband had a 14 year ‘mistake’ which included “giving ‘ her children!
Thanks Murphy Brown , and all the ways our culture glorified
“single motherhood’ and the “recreationalizing” the sacredness of marital relationships!
Worldviews DO effect what we do ..
By the faith of Jesus CHrist …it is SIN ..and that is not something we are capable of ‘fixing ‘ by our own effort or state we are in
It is something that our Lord came to DELIVER us from and to guide us to see as DISTRUCTIVE BEFORE we fall prey to our ‘natural” design which is to be lived within boundaries for our own pleasure and protection …aka …the TEN .
Anyway …I hope you will find the strength and courage to continue in order to allow the healing and the restoration that can be yours…both of yours ..through knowledge of the truth …and a genuine seeking out all of what is available to enable you to live in the kind of LOVE that is enduring and eternal .
Hugs
Hi,
My husband had an affair for 5 yrs, and i found it out a year ago, trying to get through the emotional pain, betrayal , is overwhelming, He refused to talk about the affair because it was a mistakes, as he said, but there are lot of questions i need to know.
what should i do?
HEAVEN AND HELL
Excellent post. Very wise advice….
We are in the midst of having to sell our home….I find that as I work I listen to the Bible on CD….it is good to have flowing as I prepare to put our home on the market.
Unfortunately I cannot completely be without a monthly reminder as we pay child support …not by the system but way over that .
Also new career change for hubby
The ‘work’ that is going on in terms of him facing his ‘stuff’ and then the marriage issues are also needed recognizing that examining the core of what is needed in his own ways of dealing …interrupt the just letting it all go.
I have had many wonderful interests and activities in my life…before marriage and then new ones after …but having most of our family demands laid upon me and frequent moves sort of isolated not just me but my children as well , as we homeschooled..
It is all to the good in ways that those who recognize all things we go through as followers of the Lord may be useful to our developing walk…despite any of the ways we may view them …and even those things that are not our doing .
I am older and not as energetic as I once was nor independent …yet I agree so much with you . I have many options in terms of what I allow my time and thoughts to dwell upon …
I have many options as to the kinds of activities that we will be able to choose once we are moved and settled again .
One of the most destructive things was the consant buying, selling , remodeling and moving in addition to providing schooling …each move has taken somewhere near 6 months to a year to prepare and sell our homes…then another 6 months to find a home and move …and often up to two years to start to put order in the home ..along around that time we would be moving again …up that corporate ladder
It is the ‘life’ that we did to support my husband’s career.
Out of love , appreciation and thankfulness for the things we thought he was doing FOR our family
It meant that over our 30 years we moved some 16 times….with that taking a two year at the least in interruptions to our lives and our childrens activities such as sports and dance…it has taken a lot more from us than just his presence and love
Now , when we should be enjoying our lives in a retirement mode he must start a new career …sell and move our home if we can …in a down market …and settle again ..and try to establish a life that is NOT about moving and household managment …at least in a more reduced way
I look forward to someday settling somewhere …and in the mean time I DO agree …one MUST take a break from looking ,hearing , hashing over all that hurts.
Enjoy the air ..the sky …the new flowers coming up …walk the dog or visit the humane society and cuddle a dog…[ just be careful not to fall in love with one if you don't have the income to take one home ! it can be very seductive ..especially when you are feeling low.]
Reachiing out …offering encouragement …even HERE has been very healing for me ..and I have hope that maybe what I have offered has been some use to someone
Thank you for your most WISE and loving advice…It is true…the past may have been stolen in terms of what we were intended to enjoy with a spouse who could not keep their promises …but we need not give up more of our todays and tomorrows to the same grind …especially if that person is not willing [yet] to realize all they have lost and what they need to do to deal with themSELVES honestly
They may have lost the past goodness they COULD have had, had they paid attention to what they had …but until they really see that and care about what they still may have available in YOU …then there is little we can do
There has to be an APPETITE in order for the ‘meal’ offered will matter enough to really get themselves involved with the process THEY need to straighten out .
I also am in agreement to feel the feelings and not stuff it …doing so in healthy ways …that is where the reading may be of use…to give ideas as to how to let off steam and what actual issues are worth the time and effort to invest yourself in for healing .
Thanks again ….wise words
Great article! Now, my 2 cents on the blog subject of healing the pain:
Friends, RECLAIM your life back! I have a challenge for you all at the end of this comment.
Don’t let the pain steal anymore days from your life than it has to. You will heal if you allow yourself to. We didn’t have a choice in being a victim of an affair, but we do have a choice as to how long we remain a victim. I will be as brief in my explanation as I can be to hold your attention and still get my point across.
I ran the gamut of emotions after discovery day 2 years ago: shock and denial, bargaining, suicidal thoughts, despair for months where I could not get out of bed, weight loss, weight gain, anger, then bitterness and revenge, and withdrawal. I allowed myself to feel them all. Healing is a process and holding back the stages of grief will be counterproductive. During that time I consumed myself with any book or article that was affair related trying to learn what I could, and I was oblivious to my world around me outside of the affair.
We have to go into the pain head on for just a season to heal – not a lifetime. I know it seems forever that we will be damaged, but the damage only lasts as long as you let it. For those that are religious reading this know that it is the trials in life that bring opportunity to deepen our relationship with God. There are many amazing people in this world who survived horrendous situations that we could never have guessed that they had gone through because of the victorious life they lived — never let the affair define you forever.
About 18 months after discovery I noticed the anger and constant attention about the affair no longer served a useful purpose — INCLUDING spending time on educational websites on healing. Instead, it was starting to have the opposite affect. I felt it poisoning me. My physical health suffered from the emotional trauma and affair obsession I felt for that 18 months. I looked back and saw what I all missed out on with my child, friends, family members, etc., — time and missed opportunity that will be forever gone.
It was then that I took small, then longer and longer breaks from thinking or reading anything affair related and replaced it all with self improvement books, podcasts, etc., along with researching new hobbies and going out to socialize in new venues, and trying new activities. In addition, I started to practice thoughts of gratitude for what I did have in my life. It’s kind of like being overweight and exercising: hard at first, but once it becomes a habit, it’s easier, and you can measure the positive results after some time has passed. I find it a chore now and an unpleasant waste of time to think about the affair because it disrupts my happiness. Sort of the way an ex-smoker hates to be around smoke after he quits. I finally have control of my happiness when before the affair pain had control of my happiness.
I’m sure most of you have heard by now the phrase, “Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.” I hated entertaining the thought of forgiveness because it sounds like you give the person a pass for treating you so cruelly. I have to substitute the word forgiveness with the words: “Letting go” is a gift you give yourself. It truly is. You can’t do it in one fell swoop; it’s a process. My number one focus is saving myself first, then marriage if I care to. I haven’t loved my husband the same anymore as much as I tried after his affair, but I could let go of the stronghold the pain from the affair had on my life and finally love my life again, my “new normal,” whatever it turns out to be. This is the time where you give it (the pain) to God to manage and trust he will handle it and allow Him to restore your heart. You know, my husband even said to me one time, “Vengeance is mine says the Lord. He will deal with me. Don’t destroy your life and happiness over what I did.”
I’m talking about letting go of the painful thoughts, emotions, the need for answers as to what happened and why, the woe-is-me talk about what your spouse did to you, the dissing the cheating spouse, the upset over your cheating spouse not showing remorse, the daydreams of getting revenge, the anger for the loss of the sanctity of the marriage or the marriage in whole, the obsession with books and websites on affairs, the need to tell your story over and over… It all served its positive purpose short term, but it’s time to treat yourself to some self care that will eventually take you from victim to VICTOR.
THE CHALLENGE: Depending on how far away you are from discovery, take 24hrs, a week, or a month and give no attention to the affair and replace all that energy with thoughts of gratitude, a new dream, a change of scenery, a new hobby or activity — some sort of relevant self care.
My sincerest best wishes to you all
This is so off topic….but so cool …a great diversion …and somewhat with the season …these are PEEPS dioramas for 2011…..SWEET ! and sugary too!
In the times of stress ..humor and something light is a welcome sight …
Hope this brings a smile.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/conversations/peeps-show-2011-post-your-own/2011/04/11/AF3qrFKD_ugcgallery.html
Sent to me ….not without worthy consideration .
http://www.crosspointhb.org/media.php?pageID=22
I have no association with this person but it is worth a listen to think about ….
BRAD
I know just what you mean . Not bragging but I have a history of being assumed to be up to 15 -20 years younger. Still can wear the clothes of my 20′s
It is some kind of genetic legacy …I can take no credit . Also my career kept me fit …I was required to keep up my strength and form and it endured throughout the years.
I have kept a focus on developing knowledge and character that is moral and kind to all .
My greatest weakness was trusting people without suspicion or examining them in considering that the character of people has to be formed . They have to be taught to live morally ..especially today .
They get caught up in snares…deceived …some without intention ..some DO intend to use and deceive ….it takes some closer examination to tell what is IN them and what they are prone to do.
The work in marriage is COUNTER to the way the world leads people to think about love and commitment.
Every WANT is not a NEED but we see society feeds that idea
Not every thing you CAN do is something you SHOULD do but todays population is led to think so.
I have come to see that my husband was afraid to be KNOWN …marriage has that requirement and function ..to be known to one person as you are with no one else
He has had MANY activities and associations that are superficial .They give him a SENSE of having friends …but in the long run they are not deep enough to be of any real GOOD impact or effect in his life.
In fact the more of these a man or woman has the more losses that are within. They do not have to make any real growth considerations
I hope you are able to realize that your life is so much more valuable in HOW you come through this ..in you …and as you touch the lives of others…
Taking the high road takes a lot of gumption and your posts indicate that you are one who is willing to take the lead on the upward climb
Please be encouraged that faithfulness to your marriage vows has more to do with the lifting up of all around you who are not able to take that high road.
Stay true.
I was reading the Q & A on Rejoice Ministries site and there were some good answers to consider for those in pain during this most trying time.
Life has more to offer than just our quick fixes and pleasure ‘options”.
We all like pleasure but most would agree …we learn more through the dealing with the tough stuff ….And WHO chooses the tough stuff.
Beware of the urge to comiserate with others in this pain …it would be easy to fall into your own situation that would only add to the recovery that you are desiring …
Hope this helps some .Thank you for your sharing here .
Hugs
Hey Brad, Take care of yourself, because it you are obviously a sensitive and loving individual. Your wife made a bad choice and you can’t let it destroy you. It’s so easy to blame yourself. But you did not make the decision to cheat and lie, no matter what problems you and your wife had in your marriage.
Take care of yourself, get your life back, get your confidence back and believe it wasn’t about you at all. Your wife had her own reasons for having her affair. She may not even know what they were. I know this may sound harsh, but she was not thinking of you when she had the affair. She submitted to temptation and was feeding her own ego.
I had to move away for a while to have time alone and think about the next step I will take. It helped me a lot. Cause believe me, I was crazed, obsessed, depressed, and never been so angry!
It certainly woke my husband up. He realized that he had a wife that he loved, a family, home etc. that he selfishly and foolishly almost lost.
He had become prideful and took it all for granted cause all he thought about was himself. He even had the delusion he would never get caught. And also admitted that he thought that even if he did get caught, I would take him back and there would be no fallout. That’s because I had always been forgiving, trusting and put up with his selfish behavior for all our marriage, including his little temper tantrums if he did not get his way. Basically, I was his doormat, cause I was so afraid of being abandoned, (part of my baggage from my past life). No more of that! Things have changed for us and we are now working on having a relationship that is healthy.
I hope you and your wife are in counseling. If she won’t go, please go by yourself. Being rejected hurts so much and the first instinct is to hold on tight and do anything to keep the relationship together. But if the relationship is toxic and you and your wife can’t resolve the problems that led up to the affair, maybe it’s time to get out.
I am seeing after reading these blogs there are a lot of honest, sincere loving people, who are out there who did not deserve to be hurt this way. You matter Brad! You are a good person. Please talk with your doctor and get some help with your depression and anxiety. Right now, you are #1 and you have to take care of yourself. I don’t know if you have kids or a mother or any other family you care about, but if you can’t do it fro yourself, do it for them, please.
This article hits the nail on the head. I actually had panik attacks sometimes right after I found out about the affair. When I would ask my wife a question about the affair, my heart would race like crazy, and I would get short of breathe. Those have pretty much gone away now. I can feel them slightly now but very rare. I have let myself go as far as exercising goes. I cut alot of weight and got into great shape, and was in that great shape when my wifes emotional affair turned physical. the guy doesnt evercise and has a soft body, office worker. And I am 6ft. tall, was about 195 pounds and had a 34 inch waist. It didnt matter, she was so emotionally involved with this guy, he could have weighed 300 pounds. I asked her if she found him attractive, she said “Well, not really” , she said “He isnt real ugly” So it doesnt really matter I guess. Now I am about 220 pounds and not in that great of shape. I can work all day and ride my dirtbike and all, but not near in the shape I was in. If it didnt matter what he looked like, why do I need to get into that great shape again for?? Its kinda how I feel about it. I have since had shoulder surgery, which set me back, and had my gall bladder removed because it quit working, and it set me back too. So it is frustrating, but the heck with it. My wife proved to me it doesnt matter anymore about looks. This blue-eyed red-head was in the best shape of his life, and my wife cheated anyway. So whats it matter..