There is never a good reason or excuse for having an affair and destroying your marriage vows. Period.
A cheater is fully responsible for their actions, and the justifications they come up with to make themselves feel better. Regardless of whether or not your spouse contemplates and goes through with an affair, your marriage may still have very legitimate problems that need to be addressed.
In this post, I’ll help you examine your relationship and identify ways to remove the allure of looking outside of the marriage in order to avoid the work of solving the problems within. These tips are applicable whether you are working to save your marriage before an affair happens—or you are in a position of trying to save your marriage post-affair.
Cheaters Have No Good Reason to Cheat
There may not be a good excuse for cheating, but that doesn’t mean cheaters haven’t tried to come up with one. The same old tired themes keep appearing:
“I didn’t feel loved anymore…”
“We never did anything fun together as a couple…”
“I never see him—he/she is always working…”
“He/she didn’t understand me or my needs…”
When cheating spouses say these things, it’s probably all the victim can do not to pull their own hair out. Your spouse was willing to throw away everything you had—over something that could have been worked on in the marriage?
Hopefully, you are in a position to examine your relationship and not having to see it through the ugly filter of an affair. Unfortunately, many spouses resort to an affair because it’s a lot easier to get caught up in a fantasy world than it is to deal with hard reality.
There are no guarantees that a spouse won’t cheat—even as you’re trying to do everything in your power to make your spouse happy. Many victims of an affair will say: “I tried to be the perfect wife/husband… what more could I have done to make him/her happy?” To which I say, there’s only so much you can do, but if a spouse has a character defect and decides to cheat despite all of your best efforts, there’s nothing you could have done “better”—a marriage is both spouse’s responsibility.
It’s time, then, to examine your relationship, and then consider a remedy for any issues you’ve identified:
Tip 1: Assess Your Emotional Connection
Maybe you and your spouse realize that you both are currently far from being the perfect spouse. In what ways has the relationship faltered? Has it become rundown, taken for granted, or has there been neglect? Is communication between you strong, or has it evaporated?
This type of examination of your marriage will show both you your spouse where you could make an effort, either to make each other feel special, reestablish good communication ties, or devote time and attention to the relationship by making plans together that don’t involve chores. Without an investment of this type, you’re likely to find areas where your emotional connection has eroded.
Tip 2: Understand the Types of Communication
As discussed in a previous post, there is more than one type of communication. You may have great discussions, but how’s your non-verbal communication? You need this type of communication just as much as verbal to deepen the intimacy between you.
Think back to the early days of your courtship: you probably couldn’t keep your hands off of one another. You couldn’t wait to spend time together, and the hours probably felt like mere minutes. You held hands, kissed, cuddled… and then what happened?
Yes, life may have got in the way a bit, but it’s important that you make the effort to strengthen your non-verbal communication bonds. Come up with new ways to connect on a more intimate level, whether it’s going out dancing, to the movies and holding hands, or a myriad of other ways to experience your partner.
Tip 3: Experiment with New Communication Methods
Verbal communication may have devolved to the point of reciting grocery items needed for a trip to the store, and you call it a day. If this is where your relationship is, it’s time to break out the big guns and make it your mission to enliven your communication with your spouse.
At first, your spouse may not be receptive. If poor communication has become a habit, it’s going to take time to establish a more healthy habit.
You and your spouse can work together or separately in evaluating your marriage. Each of you brings a different perspective, and one of you may feel something is lacking that the other partner isn’t even aware of. The point is to identify the issues, put work into making these areas your strengths—and keep both spouse’s attention focused on the marriage.
I would like to hear from you about your assessments of the state of your marriage …
Have you taken time to examine your marriage recently? If so, what prompted your effort: did your spouse have an affair, or did you just feel things were headed in the wrong direction?
What current weaknesses in your marriage are you working on strengthening?
Is your spouse receptive to putting in the effort to strengthen your marriage?
Please share your experiences and thoughts on this topic with the Marriage Sherpa community by leaving a comment below.
Wishing you hope and healing for your marriage,
Stephanie Anderson
Editor-in-Chief
Marriage Sherpa
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Jhn 12:48 He that rejecteth me, and receiveth not my words,
hath ONE that judgeth him:
THE WORD that I have spoken,
the SAME shall JUDGE him in the last day.
1Cr 6:2 Do ye not know that the saints shall judge the world? and if the world shall be judged by you,
are ye unworthy to judge the smallest matters?
1Cr 6:3 Know ye not that we shall judge angels?
HOW MUCH MORE things that pertain to THIS life?
1Cr 11:31 For if we would judge ourselves, we should not be judged.
How do we ‘judge ourselves’? By HIS WORD which IS our JUDGE ….
His words are HIS judgment and we can know how he views all things by way of HIS WORDS.
It is how we examine ourselves by way of the word of GOD which is truth
Jhn 7:24 Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment.
We do not use our natural minds to judge what is right or true.
Jesus Christ is THE TRUTH and that is what is true for everyone …even those who reject Him.
The scriptures are not from man or by man …they are inspired or God breathed…and are the means by which we are thus equipped with the means to evaluate what is true .
it is righteous judgment …because it IS GOD’S .
2Ti 3:16 All scripture [is] given by inspiration of God, and [is] profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for INSTRUCTION IN RIGHTEOUSNESS :
2Ti 3:17 That [for the purpose that ] the man of God may be perfect, throughly furnished unto all good works.
We do not invent ‘good works’ …GOD does good works IN those who take His WORD in and live by them and then the good work is HIS WORK in us.
In areas of preference we are given our freedom to make choices but in terms of what is life giving or death dealing the Word gives us the standards and protective perimeters within which we may choose life.
Marriage and sex within the protective boundaries is good
Outside of marriage sex is damaging ..because it is called sin …
Something created by GOD as ‘very good’ is also very damaging when it is engaged in outside of the protection of the marriage covenant …whether we believe it or not
Because of mercy and grace the consequences that are CONTAINED IN the seed of sin ..do not often bring forth the fruit immediately and people see that as some kind of reason to think that the consequences will not occur.
My husband and his adulteress did a lengthy arrangement including the planning of two children ..despite the knowledge of the moral law we all know of .
The fruit is coming up now ..and though they are now not in contact they are reaping what they sowed to the sorrow of not just them but all …the families , friends and their own children ,..plus OUR children ..and ME
I sorrow for this but HE was warned …frequently of the way sin would cause all kinds of damage to HIMSELF ..and she heard the gospel and chose to turn to the occult
I shudder to think of the end they have to look forward to if they do not turn from the rejection of the truths they could have .
I think that is why the LORD told us to pray for our enemies..and those who despitefully use us …we all have flesh to deal with and to turn from and the WORD teaches us what the state of our fallen flesh is and it’s crafty capacity to deceive us .
No one is without this law of sin within from the time of the Fall of Adam …passed upon all of us …the flesh DIeS and does no inherit the kingdom of GOD because it is flesh
But the translation of our eternal soul is made possible by the gift of eternal life to all those who repent ..turn from living in and by the flesh to sin in order to follow Jesus Christ by way of learning what he said …all scripture and then to DIe TO the sinful flesh and walk IN and BY the spirit .
This is what it means to be judged BY His WORD .
He did not come to judge the WORLD because from the Fall the WORLD IS already judged …fallen …done.
His kingdom is NOT OF THIS WORLD
it is WITHIN ..and that is why our bodies are to be kept pure and cleansed by the washing of HIS WORD ..done by way of living by it ..learning from it ..as we read and thank Him for giving us understanding of it .
It is SPIRIT and understood BY Spirit ..which IS HIS WORD
Jhn 6:63 It is the spirit that quickeneth; the flesh profiteth nothing: the WORDS that I speak unto you, [they] ARE spirit, and [they] ARE life.
We do not have to die WITH the flesh because Jesus is the WAY to die TO the FLESH and be translated as we live and walk by his words …into HIS KINGDOM …before our flesh expires …
Thanks for the great tips! Its more helpful.
In every case here–you are looking at moral character. Being honest, true and respectful to your spouse says who you are–how you love your family and what culture you are from.
My husbands family were dairy farmers originally. They moved away from their culture on the farm rapidly and were not prepared for the choices in the outside world.Their family started a church called “the whisky church” where that group of Mennonites could drink. I learned this all after being married for 20 years. Rebels, alcoholic rebels and not really successful Not as if their daring behavior won them riches or accolades in the world.I was told 5 months into the marriage that my new father-in-law was running away from my mother in law–I was 22 years old and immediately became terribly ill. Headaches depression and totally loss of self. I should have left. But again my culture said-”no divorce”. Now here I am 32 years later. Finally divorced, alone and exhausted from struggling with all the lies during the marriage and even after the lack of commitment to the divorce agreement. Went back to get a paralegal cert and represented myself in court for the past year. Try to heal with an action plan that both of you are committed to — if either one of you after a year cant pull it back together, my advice is separate. The same way our modern world culture has allowed this behavior to become acceptable, it is just as acceptable to have a time out from a dysfunctioning marriage. Find your own friends, based on your own LIKES–not grudges or anger. This is YOUR life. You only go around ONCE. LOVE your children and forgive your cheating spouse, just don’t stay if you cant pull it back together with love foregiveness and joy. My husband cheated, did drugs got into illegal business dealings–this went off and on for the 30 years of my marriage. I lost all respect and desire for him and I lost respect for myself. I was dedicated to my children and making a good home. I was at home teaching religious instruction for my children’s classes, while he was leading his life in NYC. What is right for one person–is not right for another. Dont be judgemental. Find your peace care for your children they are innocent. Care for yourself.