Your spouse’s cheating has the effect of pulling the rug out from under you while also crumbling the foundation of your marriage and annihilating your vows to one another.
Despite the devastation, many victims of an affair have a desire to save their marriage, with the affair being just a very excruciating bump in the road. They think, “I have invested many years with this person—sacrificing, negotiating and accommodating—why should I give all that effort away to someone else? I want things to go back to the way they once were.”
In this post, I’ll show you why going “back” maybe isn’t such a hot idea, and give you some steps to get your efforts to save your marriage moving forward toward a stronger, healthier, happier marriage.
Looking Back to Happier Times in Your Marriage
It can be a mistake to expend your energy trying to move your relationship back to where it once was. By moving it “back,” you’re actually retreating to the birthplace of your current marriage problems.
Of course, during this time of pain and anguish, you are reaching for the happier times. You’re nostalgic for the innocence of a time when you didn’t have to deal with the ugliness of learning your spouse cheated. You want the good memories, not the torturous ones spawned by infidelity.
The past is gone, and even though it’s tempting to put on those rose-colored glasses to view those past years, many married couples are actually carrying their injuries, hurts and slights from previous years right up into the present. This is why looking backwards and working to get there can have you dragging past negativity into your present attempts to rebuild your marriage—and destroy your chances of building a better-than-ever relationship with your spouse.
So, if it’s not a good idea to get things back to where they once were, where does that leave you?
Rebuild a Brand New Marriage Foundation
It can be unnerving to move into the future if you’re not sure where to place your footing when it comes to your marriage’s foundation. As most couples who are working to save their marriage after an affair can attest to—it’s not easy.
But for those who put in the effort to not only rebuild their marriage—but to create a brand new foundation, those couples will tell you that the effort was worth it, and they are now experiencing a much stronger relationship, better than they’d ever dreamed possible.
Does that sound like something you’d be interested in having in your own marriage?
It may seem a little hard to believe from where you are right now, especially if the revelation of the affair is fresh and you’re dealing with the torment of images and negative thoughts swirling through your head. You may have difficulty believing things will actually improve, let alone become better than what you’ve ever experienced. But realize, saving your marriage is a process, and it will take time.
To survive an affair and build a stronger marriage than you ever thought possible, there is some groundwork that must be accomplished first. Whether you have already done the work of healing yourself, or are just starting the process, know that you can ultimately move toward a point where you won’t worry about picking up broken pieces—you’ll be looking to build a fresh foundation.
But in order to effectively move forward as a couple, you need to resolve old issues first. Here are some initial steps toward that stronger marriage:
1) Define Your Marital Hot Spots
You and your spouse will need to take stock and pinpoint your trouble hot spots. These are the recurring issues that arise from unmet needs, such as:
- Do you and your spouse fulfilling one another’s need in how to express affection?
- Are you and your spouse arguing over how to effectively communicate?
- Is there a need to spend time together in a certain way, i.e. dates, holidays, vacations, that isn’t currently being met?
- Are tasks being divided up so that both spouses are satisfied?
- Have you agreed on the amount of effort to expend in saving your marriage?
These are the problems that you argue about continually, and the needs go unmet. They are not an excuse for an affair. But to move forward, you have to know where you’ve been in limbo.
2) Be Specific on What You Need to Come Into Agreement On
When you and your spouse have defined those hot spots which lead to arguments and discord in your marriage, you need to specifically state exactly which needs are important to you to come into agreement on.
It helps to write these down. Think of it as a goal sheet. By writing out your specific needs that you want to come into agreement on, you can eliminate some of the misunderstanding that can occur from only verbalizing these needs.
After arguing for months and years about the same topics, both you and your spouse may have unconsciously developed a means of tuning one another out, or keeping your walls up and your rebuttal at hand. In order to work toward a stronger marriage, it’s time to put away those old gimmicks.
3) Brainstorm Marriage-Saving Solutions Together
Writing down your needs and coming to an agreement that these are the items you need to work on is only partially getting to your goal. Now comes the work of reaching your goals—together.
In order to reach the goal of resolving recurring problems in your marriage, you will need to develop solutions together. For example, if you have a need for your spouse to show affection for you by taking your hand when walking together in public, a solution may be a test run somewhere, asking your spouse to take the opportunity to show he/she is into you by claiming your hand for all to see!
It’s a simplistic example, but you can see that many times, the solution is simply a matter of developing a new habit, and it will take practice.
Surviving an affair and saving your marriage requires a broad range of effort from both you and your spouse. Problems and issues that took years to develop and entrench won’t resolve themselves overnight, nor will painful affair memories go away at the flip of a switch.
Saving your marriage is a commitment to stepping outside of old habits and comfort zones, and into unfamiliar territory. But in exchange, you may finally have the marriage of your dreams.
I’d like to learn more about the efforts you are making to save your marriage after the affair…
Have you and your spouse worked on undoing old habits that have caused strife in your marriage?
Are you taking a fresh look at your marriage’s hot spots, and working on doing something different to resolve those areas?
Have you done the groundwork in self-healing, to better prepare you for the energy you’ll need to build a better marriage?
Please share your thoughts and ideas by leaving a comment below.
Wishing you hope and healing for your marriage,
Stephanie Anderson
Editor-in-Chief
Marriage Sherpa
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Dear Melody
I am glad for your situation seeming to turn around and your strength and maturity to continue in working this out.
It sounds as though your husband is also doing the work.
It is a hopeful venue.
I find in my own case that it is difficult because my own husband has been spoiled ….many times over the years and wants to regain what he had with me but it is very difficult because the reality is that he HAD what amounts to a form of ‘marriage ‘ with a woman …in my mind it is difficult to play the default woman.
I have maintained my health and even youthful appearance from being a performer it has helped …but this discovery has been no ‘beauty treatment’ …I lost 21 lbs,….sleep …I have begun to heal slowly but the past image I had of being the beloved wife and singlular apple of my husband’s eye …is gone.
He was capable of faithfulnesss ….and lengthy sharing of his life…just not with me
He is deeply sorrowful but he is also not going to deny that he was able to love and share but was just NOT going to share his life with me once he found so many other choices
He turned out to be able to be faithful and thoughtful regarding her sorrows and needs …but because I was working to be caring ,unselfish and contented with what he was ‘able ‘ to give me and our family …he took advantage of that kind of ‘freedom’
He was capable of faithfulness and never cheated upon her….so then …it is hard for me to see my self as anything but his only option and not his preferred .
He did stay …I feel he only did it because it would have destroyed his whole successful life.
He does not pursue anything and I can understand that …because it is hard to say or do anything that is of ‘love’ related because I can’t believe that he did not do the same or more for her.
She is STILL in our lives in proximity …and lives very well due to our support …but no contact.
Getting past the idea that I am just the ‘only game in town ‘ now is very difficult…because despite that he is here …I have to know that he did not confess or leave that relationship …he was found out and did not have the courage or desire to leave it and quit it until he was in danger of being outed.
It is a mess.
He is dutifully here…and now we must find a house because he has too much debt to cover all of the expenses…..partly due to her ‘needing ‘ so much money at her request over those years.
It is one thing to ‘work on the marriage ‘ when you are the one that he wants…it is another game when it is putting all this into a marriage wherein you gave EVERYTHING that was really what should have been more than any man could want …but I was not 17 years younger as she was …did not have all the freedom as she did to be available with our children and home being all laid upon me ..and did not work with him ..
.I did however make myself available to him for whatever and whenever he would make time to be with me …he just didn’t because he was ‘involved’ first with work ..then with the women who lured him with freebies…and then the ONE woman who made a deal to be his side dish …despite his assurance that he would never leave me.
I have met her …seen her …and since he became involved with her she has had much plastic surgery ….on her face….
It boggles the mind of those that have met her …she is not that attractive …not much of a personality …and completely dull …
As it has been pointed out ..no matter how much a wife is trying to be the godly woman …submitted …fulfilled in her own various talents …something was threatening him …perhaps he felt ‘eclipsed ‘ ….it is a mystery to most people who have known us who DO know about this …
So it goes…I was trumped by a woman who did not look as good …did not have a personality …and was not particularly talented or even someone that he NOW thinks he would even want to know ….and now he has had two children with her!
It is a good testimony to the way deceitfulness has power over people when they ignore the warnings and do not avoid the issues of character and sacred vows for their own good.
I am glad for you and your ongoing hope…may we all take heart from this sharing of yours.
sorry mine is not so simple for me to get on with this …he still has a LOT to disclose …14 years is a long time …a lot of stuff I want to know ….it is also that he should confess for the cleansing of his OWN conscience sake.
Hi Hope, thank you for the support. I know my man now sees the folly of his previous actions and that is why he voluntarily confessed. He wanted to become real and transparent with me and to completely stop that activity. He says he realizes now that it was all a bunch of s#!+.
I totally believe he has stopped it completely now. I know he is working very hard to heal his own issues that drove him to the crazy behaviour in the first place, and I feel in my heart that he is now acting honest and open. Letting me know what will make him happy. Focusing on my happiness and being very loving to ME.
I admire him for the work he has done so far, and I do think he will agree with much of what you are saying when I share it. In fact, tonight we were discussing the OW and he does think she was stupid and heartless and selfish when she wanted him in her life, and that she was disrespectful to me when she knew she was taking his attention and energy away from me.
He realizes now that if he was not ready for a committed relationship to me all those years, and not willing to deal with fears of intimacy, etc. in a constructive way, that he should have just taken his chances that one day he might win me back, and then left me if he wanted to “run around”. He also knows and agrees that if for any reason he ever feels like he wants to resume that sort of activity, then he really doesn’t want me, and that I expect him to be man enough to just part company at that point — because we agree that if he does want me, he would not want to hurt me again like that, and he knows full well I am not interested in an open relationship and sharing him.
I take relationships much more seriously than that. His problem at this point is understanding this at a gut level. His ill-advised behaviour for so long stemmed from fear of closeness and disillusionment with relationships in the first place, that in turn were no doubt at least contributed to by misinformation and traumatic experiences in his past. So it didn’t take much for him to start the playing around when things got tough with me early on in our relationship. Then the more he did that extracurricular activity the more cynical he became.
I read somewhere that this emotional distance towards one’s primary partner during an affair is partly a defense mechanism to justify one’s behaviour. “Of course it’s okay for me to see someone else — look how unhappy you make me” is the rationale people tell themselves, I think. Excuses, as Hope points out.
Also, it is easy to get more and more cynical when unfinished anger and pain issues with a partner remain unresolved when a person is more or less abandoning a relationship because they are too busy concentrating on seeing someone else.
So now it is very hard for him to believe in love and to feel how special intimacy is. I think this will take time and it does take effort on my part also, to really hear him, to really help make him feel good about being with me and to finally deal with the issues with me that he bottled up for so many years. This effort from both of us is going a long way in helping him feel open and optimistic that he will get the happiness he hopes to find in a committed relationship with me.
But despite his difficulty feeling hopeful, I want to add that, to his credit, I believe with all my heart that he is trying very hard to learn to appreciate his relationship with me and to see me as his special mate. He is finally starting to have that in-love feeling he had when we were first together.
On my part, it is really essential for me to be loving, to do my best to be his friend, to realize how badly he is hurting and to empathize with how much he is struggling to forgive himself. He said the other day he is very angry and disappointed with himself for making unwise choices and for all the pain he has put me through. I really feel his love. He loves me now like he never has before. Lately he has become very kind and understanding. And he appreciates me now that he can reflect on what has and has not happened since the confession.
He is grateful that I never had a retaliatory affair or played games like some people do to hurt the person back. He is also very relieved that I never told our friends about any of this. Not even one, when doing so might have helped me feel better. But word seems to get around quickly — the other musicians in our circle, especially, might not be as forgiving as me, and what happened in our lives could have damaged his career and reputation, perhaps beyond repair.
Instead I have managed to turn to good people like you for comfort, validation, support and insight. And of course the articles on MarriageSherpa and other good websites. All this goes a long way in helping me regain my own sense of worth. And when I feel attractive, I guess he picks up on that too, and he finds me desirable. Funny how it works that way, isn’t it?
I now live in hope, and I know we both treasure the love that is re-awakening in our lives. Every day is a new opportunity to build a stronger relationship with each other. We are now both doing our best to turn bad experiences into an opportunity for growth within ourselves and in our relationship, and I feel happy to have the chance to share what we have learned with others and hopefully help others to avoid or recover from the same sort of situation.
I guess that old saying, something about “When the student is ready the master appears” is true. Growth happens when we are ready for it and when we look for it. Even disasters can become lessons if we search for the lessons and then share what we have learned with others.
DAR MELODY
Your post really touched my heart …I was a professional musician before I married . One of the stealth lies people use…[ and the devil btw] is that they ‘don’t want to wreck the marriage …just want to have a little fun’ etc.
NONSENSE! It is a PLOY ….
It is like when your child wants to eat candy before dinner ! It will spoil his appetite!
Women who use this ploy because the man tells her he is married, loves his wife, and will never leave her …see his rhetoric as a smoke screen that somehow they will able to work around if they offer something better than the wife …
What they do is syphon off the energy and interest of the husband
The issues of life and challenges of marriage are MANY and they are for a PURPOSE….to GROW people UP and grow them TOGETHER
One of the things the woman that began working on my husband did was to tell him that she was unhappy with her job …she KNEW he was in charge of hiring …and that if she could get into his life more and more ..daily …she would be able to work WITH him to OVERCOME in the areas of business that a wife has no WAY to offer.
So the very aspects of marriage that bond people …sex ,..overcoming various challenges …time together…all came about as he hired her and she was with him all day long …and then as his partner …went out with him on appointments…!
I objected but I did not dream HE would actually DO any of what he did …I saw his vulnerabilites and warned him but he did not take what I said seriously and just became more and more adept at hiding his real activities behind a huge career involvement which also ‘demanded’ time with clients in social activities. With the household and young children I had help that could have made me available but he usually told me that spouses were not allowed !
He found so many ways to justify the time and disconnect that our marriage suffered…and truly you cannot make someone interested in the work of marriage when someone else is giving them and easy and fun option!
He is sorrowful now when he sees how much of the life that God intended to work IN his life and ours was STOLEN from us all
We will never know what he would have learned and enjoyed with our family had he taken part in all that we did in homeschooling ..trips he refused to take to enrich our lives and memories …all because this woman was ‘willing ‘ to just be a side dish and ‘did not want to break up his marriage and family’
I asked him why then did she very seldom ask ‘will we ever be together’ ….she did not ask often enough to spook him ..she was smart …she kept agreeing to just be patient and accept what he had to offer…because she ‘loved ‘ him …but she kept UPPING the anti ..
Now he sees it was a calculated work to take him for whatever she could and she got it …he did not SEE her for what she is …it reminds me of a frog that is swimming in the pot that gradually is brought to a boil
She was not ‘in love ‘ with him …she USED him because he had a sense of duty and responsibility to his family that his ego would not allow him to leave but he also had a sense of wanting to PAY HIS WAY …in otherwords ..she KNEW if she could get him to give him children he could NEVER be a dead beat dad FINANCIALLY
He kept involved to the degree that he bonded with the kids even though he gave her children because she convinced him that he had ‘taken up ‘ her years wherein she could have had a man marry her …tick tock …she JUST figured that out suddenly ???? She was 28 when she approached him for the purpose of having sex!
She just suddenly realized that she wanted to have baby at 37???
REALLY ….either she is stupid or a liar…and I think we all know which .
These days …women control birth …she wanted to exercise her ‘reproductive rights’ and have a baby out of wedlock with another woman’s husband ?
Some do …they PAY for it …they SUPPORT their choices….I don’t thnk it is right but at least they ARE FULLY excercising responsibility for their choices and take on that financially as well!
She is nothing but a parasite …and it has cost us ALL plenty .
Hearts broken …not just mine but my children who are adults but are not married and may not ever …who can restore trust when the man they trusted and knew as a loving father could PLAN children with a woman NOT their mother?
It is not like a divorce…it is like infidelity to our CHILDREN as well as to me !
That woman that approached your husband …in clubs they are a dime a dozen …groupies or wanna bes …throwbacks to a dumb era that the music business promoters built up in a fantasy for people to think that musicians are somehow glamorous if they are immoral
It is a sorrowful thing you are dealng with ..and often men just lose their heads when offered ‘free’ sex…or just attention that they feel they are due …HOW MUCH do they think they MUST HAVE
I like what JESUS told us …it is better to give than to receive ..and to love your wife AS Jesus loved his bride and GAVE HIMSELF FOR HER.
A man is told to do so for his bride..and if he does so he will not have TIME nor need for any other woman
The predatory husband poachers are being encouraged along this line more and more …it is a snare and a delusion .
Your husband and mine need to grow up and get the point …life and marriage is not all about THEIR happiness …comfort …but work and growth and MATURITY
Too many household suffer …and children do not have their rightful childhood because fathers are extending their own adolescence …
ALL will lose out …and the woman who say that they only want ‘some ‘ of their time are LIARS …and thieves of the worst kind ..they not only steal from the wives and children but they actually steal life from the man that he was intended to build while being IN and participating IN the marriage
Too late my own husband FINALLY SEES this but he is prone to depression and hopelessness because it is a lengthy process to turn it around …faith is NOT passive …but RESPONSIVE to truth.
One other tip that has helped us: because of the fights and stress we had after the confession, he had a very hard time feeling good towards me. (It was easy for him to act and even feel a pseudo-love for the OW — he saw her in a bubble, where they didn’t have to deal with any household or interpersonal issues, just focus on fun, music, and the rewards. She was even apparently a good listener and made him feel cared about — at the expense of his relationship with me, of course). But the more he was with her, the more he focused on everything negative about me. And that attitude didn’t just magically go away once he confessed. People sometimes have a lot of difficulty seeing their spouse in a good light when trying to heal after an affair, maybe even more difficulty because once the affair is exposed now the issues that were not being dealt with while the affair was on are staring everyone in the face and now do need to be resolved. And there is probably a lot of anger and pain that was once underground that now surfaces. And people might be accustomed to years of feeling angry and unhappy but just resigning themselves to bad communication habits or the habit of shutting down.
But since habits are choices, and we needed to develop new positive relating habits for our relationship to flourish, I suggested we should each try to ACT like we love each other even if we’re not really feeling loving — after all, he sort of acted like he loved the OW, so why not try doing that with me? And it’s working! Even little compliments and holding my hand make me feel wonderful. When you treat someone nicely and they are appreciative, you feel good and then you really do start feeling better towards them and vice versa, and you have something to build on that starts to snowball. And then you really experience the rewards of being together, which glues people to each other, and makes them want to stay together. Hope this helps.
“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit.” Aristotle
I can really relate. My partner of many years is also a musician. When things were stressful many years ago he started seeing a few other women behind my back. This only caused him to see me in an even more negative light, and to justify his actions to himself. Then one of them asked him for “music lessons” in exchange for sex. This bolstered his ego and he really escalated his secret liaisons, and even started wondering if he had more of a “relationship” with her than he did with me. He was always angry with me it seemed, and whatever line of thinking people get onto become habits that build upon themselves. This OW knew about me and his reservations to get further involved with her, but she told him that she didn’t really matter and what they were doing was just harmless fun and that he should keep it secret from me because I wouldn’t understand. He tried to believe it because seeing her from time to time and being “appreciated” for his musicianship was easier than actually growing up and resolving issues within himself and with me. But he was continuing to build an invisible wall between us and cutting off the open communication that was such a hallmark of our relationship at the beginning. Eventually the OW got tired of the music, and maybe was unhappy that he didn’t leave me, who knows? But also his guilt got the better of him and he realized how shallow and unfulfilling that connection was, and how he wanted a real relationship, not just a fantasy thing in an artificial bubble of pretend happiness (which is really all affairs are, and I guess that is why they are so tempting for people), and he finally confessed. This was a huge shock to me. I had trusted him completely and he was very good at concealing it. Anyway, this allowed the healing to begin. It has been a very hard struggle but the fact that he voluntarily confessed showed me he really wanted to be a better man, and that gave me hope that things could get better. Luckily, as hurt and confused as I was, I was and still am in love with him and this has enabled me to hang in and keep trying to make our relationship stronger. And these articles and forums have been really important in my efforts to regain my self-esteem and confidence in my desirability which have also helped a lot. This blow to my self-esteem was not something he was prepared for and the struggle to relate has been a really hard uphill climb for both of us. But we are still together and I do believe he has been totally faithful since the confession. This week he expressed remorse that the open and honest communication we had at the beginning and was so important to him was something he took away from us and that he is happy to have back now. So Jimmy and others in your boat, please really try to appreciate what you do have at home, stay communicative, let your own partner be that fantasy woman you dream about and find a way to make each other excited and happy about being together. We went to counselling too, but the best thing that helped us was learning how to really communicate in a healthy way on our own. We are now starting to feel proud of the hard work we have done to not hold anything back and to always be sure to tell each other if we are unhappy so that we give each other the chance to resolve the problems and get back to feeling fulfilled. And we both understand that it is really important to let each other know exactly who we are, and not what we think the other person wants to believe. It can be very scary to be vulnerable and show your deepest feelings and so on, but the great thing is that if you really have picked a compatible partner, the more you let them know the REAL you, you will be pleasantly surprised that the better they like you, and that you are the person who fulfills THEIR deepest desires and fantasies too. Oh, and btw, now that he feels better about himself and is really starting to believe in himself and to grow as a person, his music is getting better than ever, he is getting gigs and recognition and appreciation he has never experienced before too! Good luck Jimmy, I’m happy for you. Keep on a real track and it can all only get better.
thanks Jimmy …good report!
Hi Hope. Thank you. It does take work and you need to communicate but i feel at peace now with myself. I feel very fortunate to have such an understanding wife that hung in there. I hope my situation and out come will help someone else out.
Thanks again
HUZZAH!!! Soooooooooooo glad to hear this !
And as most musicians can attest ….it is a fantasy that many have about entertainers that has been fed to the public….
But there ARE indeed even musicians who have tried that personae on and found it stupid, dangerous and empty
Thanks for the great report and may the Lord bless your efforts as you move into your “newly wed” status but with some new wisdom that may keep you investing in the real deal for the rest of your lives!!!
smiling here
Hi Hope. I am happy to tell you and everyone else on this forum that i have stopped with the affair and have actually gotten closer with my wife. It’s such a great feeling to know that i can talk with my wife about anything and be completley honest with her. This has made us see a side of each other that we didn’t know existed. I feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted off of me.
Just for the record i am not the kind of person that because i am a musician likes to count notches on my belt or is into the groupie thing. I didn’t think my wife would like to come out with me when i perform cause i assumed she wouldn’t. Since ending the affair my wife does come out from time to time and we have a great time with each other. Its almost like getting to know the person i new for all these years all over again. LOL
I am currently looking for a good marriage counsler so we can both go. There is always some good that can come out of a bad situation. The good is me and my wife having great communication and being completley honest with each other about everything. I can honestly look back at what i did for the past year and see very clearly how screwed up i was and the situation. All i have to say is i am the luckiest person alive to have a wife that saw through what was going on and managed to some how stick around and give me another chance. This is a great person and wife.
JIMMY ….worked the clubs as a musciian for years….can you HONESTLY say that after observing so much stupidity in the clientele in clubs that you really would throw away your marriage for the likes of what goes on there .
WAKE UP …cut the various excuses for your “needs’ and keep your wife in your heart , mind and lay off the fantasies.
Any woman who is gaga for musicians especially married ones has “issues’ that will come back to bite you in the butt and destroy anyone who goes in for that kind of lying …’stuff’
Come on …if you have not been in the business for any length of time and STILL fall for this kiind of thing then you are just not paying attention!
Set your affections on what is right at home and deal with showing your wife your loyalty ALWAYS …whether she is present or not .
That will actually do the women who are lusting for getting JUST ANY MAN they can get in those places ….to learn that there is HOPE for one day meeting a decent man
Be an example of faithfulness…it will be REFRESHING
Most professional musicians I have known over the years worth their stuff …are not interested in the groupie thing or getting a number of notches on their “horn’ ..they are more interested in continuing their craft,,
Don’t add to the cheap fantasy people have of musicians …lift the bar please!
sherry:
I don’t know how can you be so calm, I would it contact her husband and the boss’s wife. She destroyed your world destroy hers too.
Or get a private detective to follow her and confront the Boss with the proofs so he would fire her. I would not be suffering by myself.
It is hard, I am not in your place, but sound like she is a really WHO..
Really pray and go to church to find the peace;sometimes men fell into this emotionals affairs without even not it, and specially if the WH has more street experience than them. They can manipulated them, and men are so stupid, they think OH! I found my real soulmate. Some Who from the streets after we have gave them our lives; now, we the wives are old fart, and they want to feel yourng again with the other women.
The Captain that my husband had an affair, she was a really B…. after I told her not contact him anymore, she did it again on Feb 09 and July 09, well I found the emails and photos that she sent and I called her and told her that I was to call her commander, and the B is tap dancing now, because looks like she got married now, and she does not want her precious life to be destroyed.
She is working at one of the Top military schools up north( WP), she is from Puerto Rico, when I confronted her with the second email, she had her mother called me and insulted me. I told her mother too, how her Who.. daughter had an affair with my husband, and she knew he was married.
I am still pissed; I am really trying not to think about revenge. It is hard to forget when the lover insist in having contact with your spouse and they really don’t assure you of their commitment.
Good Luck to you and Merry Christmas
Hope God Bless you and your family
He is the only one that loved you unconditionally
MEN ARE SELFISH
MAD
I cought my husband of 14 years cheating while he was in Iraq with a Capt. I confronted her and she was a Big B, I got plenty, but plenty of proof, videos, pictures 76 emails of them, nude pictures of her, video of him sucking her P. I am trying to rebuild my marriage, but it is so hard when the other person think that he has not done nothing and does not want to go to therapy.
I have gone to therapy twice, but I really did not benefit much, talking with my mother and praying to God to help me, to guide me have gave some peace,but I still do not trust him; it is hard to really forget, well I think time will tell. Good Luck to everyone that is really trying.
These sites help you some to realize that you are alone and that it is not your fault that your spouse cheated, it is his or her choice.
If something was bothering him or her they should it told you. We are not mind readers.
MAD
I feel all your pain everyone and a hundred fold. My husband of 34 years has gone off the charts.
Imagine having an innocent conversation about craigslist and seeing a very strange look on your husband’s face. So with that “instinct” you look at the personals for sex encounters and out of hundreds you pick two that sound JUST like him. You reply and it is!! I couldn’t hold it together at home to see if he would have met me…but all indicators pointed that way included the elicit photos of himself and his face.
That was only the beginning for me….myspace, adult sex sites the list is so long. I had caught him 15 years ago emailing women suggesting meeting but he denied he ever had. I never found anything again but my instincts always said differently. Surely he wasn’t doing it at work because he never got on the computer at home. WRONG! He left work to have sex with strangers in the middle of the day!
Now I am shattered into a million pieces and he wants us to just move forward. Start building a NEW life. Mind you–I had to find the truth…he never just told it to me or the marriage counselor. Even had her convinced it was just online sex but I manage to find women that thought they were talking to him and they told a whole different tale. Only then did he admit to two. The two I found…yeah. I may have been blind but I am not stupid.
I look at my husband. He looks like the man I thought I knew. I don’t know him at all. All the secrets. I never seen me growing old with anyone else but him. Now the future is blank.
Hi Mrs. S I want to thank you for your help. I am trying to find a good counsler. If you have any more comments or suggestions i am open to hearing anything. Have a great thanksgiving and thanks again.
Great social observation by Kevin and how sadly TRUE!!!
I DO think Jimmy should try counseling, again. I was told that I would need to interview several, before I found the right one. I have trouble understand & dealing with the rejection/betrayal/etc.
Might have helped IF he had spoken to me honestly, at first or at all over the past 30 months.
First counselor didn’t work. My husband thought she didn’t “get it” & that “it” was hopeless. I thought she DID get it but made him feel too uncomfortable. Second counselor was Christian based & court ordered. I think it was more comfortable but he still did not get acceptance/ understanding for his infidelity, felt judged, & avoid being slapped with contempt of court.
I wonder how Jim would feel, if he thought his wife was having great sex with someone else (maybe his best friend)? Sounds like all he and the OW have going is some good feelings, hot sex, and verbal petting (typical beginning of romance/maybe love), however, you can’t keep the bedroom gymnastics up forever. What’s left after (excuse the pun) that peters out? It will, too!
Anyone try the “LOVE DARE”. I haven’t seen the book & wondered if it really worked?
Hi Kevin. I appreciate your post and its good to hear from you again. I wanted to ad something to your analogy about what is socially accepted. I don’t know if you have ever heard these radio commericials (they are on satellite radio) for Ashley Madison or that Cougar Town site. If your not familiar with these they actually advertise to have an affair. When i started to hear these spots i was saying to myself this is the craziest thing ever. They did an interview with the owner of one of the above web sites and he was asked if he advocates this kind of thing. He said that the idea came to him and he decided to try and start a site. He doesn’t like the idea of people using a web site for this kind of activity but he said, i didn’t beg the million plus people to join it.
When i think about this i say to myself could it be there are that many unhappy, bored people that are married out there? It just seems crazy what society excepts and what they don’t. Don’t you dare park in that spot or you’ll get a ticket. Its ok if you want to join a site to cheat on your wife or husband. LOL Just crazy. Thats my only comment to you i had. Thank you for your past comments and help. Its very much appreciated.
Hi Mrs. S. I did want to hear what you had to say and will listen to anything you want to say. I agree with you about thinking with the wrong head. LOL I know that i am caught up in something that to me seems really hard to get out of. I don’t know why i am thinking about who she will be with when this all comes to an end. I think your right on target about sex making me feel like i am in love and about my friends on the outside seeing the things i can’t. I guess another issue i have is how do you seperate these feelings of love and how do i stop or control myself from wanting her if the sex we have makes me feel like i am in love? Its a crazy and scarey thing at the same time. I just can’t for some reason come to see all this.
The other confusing thing is if i am caring about what she will do when this ends isn’t that a sign of love in the sense of why would i care what she does. This is what confuses me a bit. I guess what i am saying is to use an example when i am out in a club playing and i see a guy and a girl that just meets, dances has a few drinks and leaves after a bit, it doesn’t bother me what they might be going to do cause i don’t know them and its there business. Do you know the point i am trying to make? If i am not in love with this OW then what would i care what she does? This feeling just won’t go away and it is really starting to scare me a bit. When the OW woman talks to me she sounds so sincere and nice and makes me feel great. I never fish for compliements but she is always saying nice things about me.
I have been looking and asking for a good counsler to go to but no one seems to beable to recommend one to me. I was going to a counsler for a bit but i didn’t get much out of it. I don’t know if the counsler was new at the profession or ?
If you can be so kind to try and explain some of this to me i would really appreciate it. I am really trying to stay level headed and keep what myself and my wife have worked so hard for all these years.
It’s funny how social consciousness has changed over the years. In the 50’s you couldn’t get a divorce unless you could prove adultery (divorce was fault based) and smoking was socially acceptable and nobody knew what a prenub was. Now you are a social outcast if you smoke and adultery is socially acceptable (divorce is no-fault based now) and adultery is the top reason for divorce… right next to money. Prenubs are now recommended… with the reasoning, if you get married be prepared to get a divorce. This will probably be the most important agreement in the future.
Not sure Jim wants my response BUTTTTT here goes.
Your friends are RIGHT!!! You’re thinking with the wrong head big guy – LOL. Sometimes others know whats best for us & more than we can gather for ourselves. If you are TOO close &/or into this OW, than you don’t get to view the bigger picture.
I’m not divorced but going along with my husbands decision. I’ve spent 40 yrs living with the consequences of his choices. He called all the shots. I’ve fought this last one, for 30 months, because I did have dreams of us growing old together, traveling, enjoying our family & home. When he suffered from E.Dysfunction. which I think was from drinking &/or depression, I went without physical contact for LONGGGGGGGGGG periods of time & this lasted over an eight year period. Did I have needs? Did I have desires? Did I crave his touch? You better believe I did & the absence hurt!!! NEVER did I consider filling the void(s) with another man. I hope the wives of the wounded soldiers coming home don’t share your opinion(s) on the sex or many will end up with broken homes. Sounds like you both are looking for love in all the wrong places, instead of each other. I hope you will STOP and recognize LOVE isn’t sex & sex isn’t LOVE. Sex may make you feel “in love” & being “in love” may drive you to want to express that physically but don’t make the mistake of confusing those two words/actions. Plan a date night with the wife & Watch FIREPROOF!!!
My husband of nearly 30 years had an emotional affair with a woman at his office. They were office friends for about 8 years. She is also married.
She applied for and accepted a position with another agency, but before she actually left, she told my husband that she has had a crush on him for years. That conversation lead to another – each more intimate than before.
He tells me that he didn’t think it would go anywhere – because she was leaving for that other job. Until she didn’t leave. It was discovered that she was missing an important credential for the position and they cancelled their offer of employment. Unfortunately, she has been allowed to stay at her current position.
So…about the time she accepted the other job my husband and I went on a 2 week camping vacation and our anniversary fell during that time.
There was a unfamiliar and uncharacteristic weirdness about him while we were gone. I couldn’t put my finger on it – but after we got home and the affair was discovered I put 2 and 2 together.
Turns out they had over 20 phone conversations during this two weeks – he would call her early in the morning when he walked the dogs and anytime he was away from camp without me. Sometimes they talked for a minute or two and other times for up to 30 minutes. They actually exchanged emails and had a long phone conversation on our anniversary!
Using our laptop he accessed his work email account that is password protected. He explained it away by saying that he was “just checking in with work”.
We got home from the trip and the affair was discovered because he got careless with emailing from our home computer. I typed a document and accidentally gave the command to “paste” instead of “print” and a very suggestive paragraph posted to my paper, addressed to her that told of his physical attraction to her and some other things. And so….the cat was out of the bag.
I told him if he needed her to bring him joy, he should go be with her….but then he could not be with me. He said he did not want her the way he wanted me.
He insists that there was no sex – they never saw each other outside of the office and only one physical contact at all – which he says was a hug in which he nuzzled her neck. It was supposed to be a “goodbye” hug. (Seriously? Is that how people say goodbye when a co-worker leaves? Whatever.)
Anyway – she didn’t go away. The next day after the discovery he says he put a stop to the intimate talk – telling her that he was not willing to lose his wife and his marriage over an office flirtation.
And he told me he ended the friendship, too because of the potential trouble it could cause and that they understood going in to this affair that if it were discovered, the friendship would have to be sacrificed.
Well, the flirtation may have stopped, but “friendship” didn’t get sacrificed. It just became more secret. I made the mistake of telling him how I found out some of the things I knew and that just made him better at hiding.
Just when I thought things were going to be ok, he started acting weird again. Defensive, angry. I called him on it.
He confessed to being in love with her, but not in the “deep, 30 year kind of love” way that he was in love with me. They had not ended contact at work – but then he couldn’t because they had to work together, after all.
The truth is, they’ve actually become each others confidant and “best friend”. Neither wants to give that up – and they really don’t want me to be privy to it – so they work really hard at keeping it hidden.
But he is conflicted. In an effort to become “transparent” he voluntarily gave me the password to his work email (I did not ask for it) and said I could check it anytime. So I did a few times over the course of a couple weeks. Last week I found an email he sent to her that said he was thinking of her while he was out of town on business, but under the circumstances couldn’t contact her. And he asked her not to respond to the email.
He’s wishing he had not given me the password.
This OW is attractive (so I’m told) and married. She and her husband both have large salaries, and live in a big house, but the husband apparently is only able to meet her financial needs. She is currently having an on-going sexual affair with her boss to meet her physical needs and wants my husband to meet her emotional needs by being supportive and protective, etc…
She must be meeting some of my husbands needs, too – although he has not been able to tell me what those needs are, other than to be admired for his work. Even though he knows all of this about her, and considers her behavior “somewhat ugly”, he can look the other way to keep the friendship alive. He feels betrayed that she is sleeping with her boss – he says he won’t pursue a physical relationship with her, but he would rather not be witness to her pursuing one with someone else….especially in the office.
At the beginning of this story, I said my husband had an emotional affair – but honestly in many ways, he is still having one.
And it seems a little twisted to me….
Does this sound like a man who is trying to recommit to his wife?
I’m torn between waiting to see if this relationship just fades away – and just cutting him loose.
Hi Mrs. S. I am sorry for all the pain you suffered from your divorce. I was talking with a very close friend of mine at our show last night who knows my situation. He asked how things were going etc. I told him i am having a hard time keeping focused and looking straight ahead. The OW was not at our show last night. She went to a sports bar closer to her house which is no where near where i was. Although she did text me to say that she wanted to come out to support me but she isn’t cause i asked her to give me space last week so i could “breath” a little bit.
As myself and my friend were talking i made a statement and my friend turned to me and said, why are you so worried about her meeting someone else and her having sex with them? I told him i think its because sex between us is great and i guess the thought of someone else having what i had bothers me. I now realize that this is an issue with me and part of the reason i am going to have a problem letting go of her. I am also wondering if i have some kind of sex issue as well. I am the kind of person who is not affraid to admit my faults and go to look for help. Having a physical realtionship with her is very addicting and i always want more of her and she feels the same. I don’t know how i am going to over come this hurdle. I know you mentioned that sex in a relationship is important but an added bonus. I look at it as you positively need a strong sexual relationship in order for the marriage to work. I guess not having a good sex life and not being open with each other or feel inhibited in bed is a reason why people cheat. This is just my opinion.
I did speak with my wife last night about us and i have to say that this is the first time we were able to talk about some touchy topics without yelling and beating each other up. She told me that if i feel i need to be with the OW then i should do that. She then told me that she has been approached by a few guys who she has become friends with. I asked her if she has dated any of them and she said no. She has been out with friends and they were there but its a friends thing at this point. She says they talk by email and thats it. My wife is not the kind of person to jump in bed with anyone and she believes in marriage and respecting that. She did say that if we get seperated she will date this person cause she needs to be happy and she wants to find someone to share her life with etc.
I agreed with her cause i want her to be happy.
Your opinion and experiences are important to me. It is helping me to understand all this. Thank you again and i look foward to your response.
Cutting the cord?
Jim says he is confused who to go with (wife or OW). I think that doubt will insure that his marriage will FAIL!. You can’t get tex-messages if you don’t have a cell phone. My husband insisted that he had asked his OW to leave him/us along. She did NOT respect him, me, or our marriage of 38yrs./family/relationship of 40 yrs. enough to do that. When I suggested getting a different cell phone he made up “excuses” for why that wasn’t possible. I can’t help but feel that his ego was being stroked by having 2 of us want him. I told her I DO love him enough to let him go. (Actually, he was/is FAR from perfect & there have been many benefits from his moving out 2 1/2 ys ago like peace, independence, fellowship at church & with GOD). Now, she says she doesn’t want him just their friendship/affair and she remains married but refers to her husband as her X. What is that all about??? = Selfishness!!!
I hope Jim doesn’t quit the band he’s worked hard to establish but there is MUCH he can do to “cut the cord” with the OW. Next time she contacts & threatens to go be with someone else, hopefully, she’ll be told to have a good time -LOL. NO ONE needs threats from a needy/greedy, selfish, drunk, control freak! This is why I am NOT fighting to stay with my husband & granting him the divorce he says HE wants. I can’t express, in words, the hurt that my husband has inflicted on me with this OW. Jim’s wife, myself, others who have written DO NOT deserve this lack of respect, care, indignaty. Cheaters should watch Mel Gibson’s movie the Passion. I DO feel like I have suffered the pain that Christ bore, before they hung him on the cross. My scars are all on the inside. Any other wives agree?
Hi Mrs. S. I want to first thank you for your thoughts. You are right on target in what you say. I struggle with this issue everyday. A few of my friends can’t believe what me getting involved with this other person has done to me. The thing that is pretty tough for me right now is all of my friends became her friends. So imagine this. Every time i go and play a show (which is 3 to 5 times a week) everyone is always asking me, hey is the OW coming out tonight? I have to live this everytime iam out working. I have been giving serious thought to leaving the band iam with presently to get away from the whole atmosphere. The only thing is i have worked really really hard to get this to where it is now. My cousin who is a musician told me your crazy for leaving that band. Its just giving the OW all this power that she shouldn’t have. He also seems to think that if this OW really loves and cares about me the way she says she does, that she would give me time and space and let me find my own way with my wife. She would not be texting me when she gets drunk telling me she is going to be picking up someone at the bar and taking him home with her. I asked the OW woman why she does this and she says cause she is really jealous about me and she can’t imagine anyone else with me. I figure if i just get away from the whole scene then i won’t have to hear or see any of what she does.
My cousin still thinks it not the right thing for me to do and that i should not worry about what she does as long as she don’t bother me. You know my wife is a really caring and giving person who after all this is willing to take me back and try to fix things and make them better. I don’t know why i let this OW get to me. The last thing i want to do is lose everything i have. I don’t have any kids but i have a house, studio etc. Then go with the OW only to have her tell me down the road its not working. Myself and the other woman were talking one time about our relationship and things that are to come down the road. She kept on telling me that everything will be fine etc. I said to her how about if i find myself in this same situation 5 years down the road. The OW got all bent out of shape saying i am going to love you and its not the same as your current marriage. She then told me she thinks i married the wrong woman. I asked if i could see her crystal ball. That didn’t go over to good and she got insulted. LOL I am only telling her what i think. Nothing is guaranteed and sometimes she makes it sound like we are in fairy tale land or something. Kevin made a great statement in that i will not really know her until i live with her for a couple of years and she lets her guard down. That could be a shock. LOL I am going to do my best. Thank you so much for your feedback. This forum is really helping me to build up the confidence to do what i need to do. I look forward to your response. Thank you again.
OH, Jimmy,Jimmy,Jimmy…where to start:
You sound like you’re where my husband is, now. Although we are headed for divorce court, instead of dating (his choice).
I think the OW gets a thrill leading him on & once she has him, she’ll be looking for green pastures. She NEEDS him to prove something to herself. He’ll end up a conquest, after giving up his home, wife, best friend of 40 yrs. & splitting up his family.
Hopefully, he doesn’t pick up an S.T.D. in the process. Be Careful. Be alone if you can’t be with your wife.
Romance IS great!!! It feels wonderful to be “in love”. You had that with your wife & I believe you can have it again but it will take work & commitment. I thought the suggestions in this article were AWESOME> Romance your wife, instead.
The bible makes NO references to marrying the love of your life but it is VERY specific about loving the person you marry.
A great relationship is about communicating NOT sex, although sex is great, too (added bonus). What do you want, for the rest of your life? Do you REALLY think this OW will feel the same when you’re grey, flabby, old & wrinkled, with no teeth.
It DOES happen – LOL If your wife is dating you & giving you a 2nd chance…grab it, run like $*%*&$, and don’t look back for the OW EVER or any other!!! Good Luck.
Hi Kevin. First off thank you for all your help. I was looking forward to your response. I agree with what you said. Like i said, last week the OW woman didn’t have any contact with me and myself and my wife went out to a show. By the end of the night when the OW got drunk the first thing she starts doing is texting me using the i am planning to pick someone up and take them home statement cause she knows it gets to me. Then after wards she tells me she was mad and would never do anything like that.
She also told me that she can’t ever imagine me with anyone else but her. Myself and the OW have always been honest with each other about everything which sometimes has not been so pleasant.
You mentioned something that i always think about. Its the not knowing fully about the other person until you live with them thing. I do love the OW but like you said i might be in for a real surprise after the chase is over and she wins me. I have a big fear about this. It almost i will do anything to get this guy, then after the chase is over reality sets in. She sounds so sincere to me when we talk. She tells me over and over everyday how much she is in love with me, how attracted she is to me and that she only wants to see me happy. I was talking with one of my friends and they told me that doesn’t seem normal. Why would she only want me to be happy? Is she figuring that once she gets me to leave my wife and everything i have that she is mine and will get what she wants in the long run?
I have to admit that when she comes out to see me play and guys talk with her it does get to me. I don’t know where this all comes from cause by nature i am really not a jealous person. Sometimes i think to myself that is has to do with the sex issue. I have thought to myself that i get nervous at the thought of some other guy experience what i have with her. She has told me that she will not sleep around with different guys and she is only a one guy person.
I should also tell you that the OW woman has a really outgoing personality and is a little flirty. I have told her that one of these days that is going to get her in trouble. She told me that this is the way she is and she only wants me. I don’t know if i mentioned to you that she has been married 2x. I asked her about her previous marriages and she said that both of her ex’s were the type of guys that worked, came home and liked to watch tv. As far as sex goes she said that they would satisfy themselves and that was it. I said to the OW that you are a very sexual person. Didn’t your ex’s want to do more with you in bed. She said that everytime she would suggest something to them they would tell her that she was a sex maniac and stuff like that so she would just say nothing and that was that.
So Kevin i am not in good shape. I have to tell you that when i read your responses to my posts it does comfort me. I am just trying to figure out if the OW is really who iam supposed to be with or i am i blinded by the great sex and all the other things she does for me. Thank you again for all your help.
Hi Jimmy,
You are in a state of limbo.. sitting on the fence not knowing what to commit to because you really don’t know what you want. It’s common for the person involved in an affair to string along their faithful spouse for many reasons and possibly many years. Maybe because they want them to fall back to if the grass isn’t greener on the other side of the fence. You know your wife very well after being with her for 20 years but you really don’t know the other woman, you haven’t even lived with her so she could be a completely different person than what you imagine or how she wants you to perceive her. Also you have an emotional addiction to the OW that gives you a high and it can be difficult to walk away from her. On the other hand if you leave your wife you will miss her and go thru withdrawals from her not being a part of your life anymore making it difficult to let her go cold turkey. This is way people can stay married while they continue to have an affair for years living in limbo not being able to make up their mind on what they really want or what they are committed to.
Our society has confused us about attraction and love. It tells us all you need is attraction, chemistry, passion, we click.. whatever you want to call it and if you have “attraction” that’s all you need, you should commit to each other, get married and live happily ever after. This is why there are so many divorce lawyers, because people use attraction as the basis for committing to a relationship and not love. Attraction is not love, they are very different. You can be attracted to someone and have a very bad relationship with this same person. There are examples of this everywhere. One would be a woman that says she wants to meet a nice responsible caring man that appreciated her. Yet, she is attracted to “bad boys” who treat her with a lot of apathy and really could care less about her, that’s why she’s so attracted to them. Why is that? Her relationship is based on attraction and not love. You are attracted to the OW but you can’t say you love her because you don’t really know her, you really won’t know her until you live with her for 2 years and she lets her guard down so you can see her true colors. You know your wife and her true colors much better than the OW yet you are willing to give up on your wife because you are attracted to the OW that you really don’t know. Also you said the sex is good. That does not mean you will have a good relationship with this person. You can think the sex is gr8 with someone in the beginning of a relationship, it’s new, exciting and it’s different than with your wife. But once you really get to know the person you may find out they are not a good match for you.
I posted on this site a few weeks ago and kevin has given me some good advice. Just to give you some background on my situation. I have been married for 20 years. I am a musician who found myself cheating on my wife. After the first time this happened me and my wife talked about things. From time to time if the opportunity presented itself i would be with another woman. I never fell for anyone emotionally until 2 years ago. I met this OW at a show and we would talk for hours in my car. The relationship didn’t get phylsical for about 3 months. Once this happened the OW confessed that she was in love with me. This went on and again my wife found out. I have been trying to make this work out but i can’t and maybe don’t want make the OW go away. Because of my work situation anyone can walk into the clubs i play at. So blocking phone numbers and texts work short term.
A few days ago i told the OW that i needed time and space and asked her to stop texting and calling me. I was out with my wife at a show and things were good. Then at the end of the night i started to receive texts from the OW saying that she was at this other club right down the road and she was having a great time and she hoped that i was to with my wife. She then told me that she was going to be taking someone home with her to have some fun. Of course i got sucked in and asked her why she was doing this. She then said that she was coming over to the club that me and my wife were at. I got out of the asap.
Here is my question. My wife has been through alot. Should i just leave and stop hurting her or is there a chance of my marriage working. I understand that there is something missing in my marriage or else i wouldn’t have cheated in the begining.
How do i know that this OW is or isn’t for me. The sex between us is amazing and she was coming out to all my shows. She seems to be all for me and will do anything for me. She does seem like a good person. I did ask her why would she tell me what her intentions were that night to take someone home. She told me that she was really drunk and it wasn’t the truth. She was just saying that. I don’t know if that is a sign that she has issues as well. I am really confused at this point. My wife and i are at a stand still and i am thinking of leaving if not for anything but to get my head together. I thought i had it together a couple of weeks ago but i found myself always worrying about what the OW woman is doing. She seems to be a very sexual person as well as i am. I don’t know if the sex is just blinding me to reality or is this OW more suited for me than my wife. I need some advice fast. I want to be at peace with myself and finally stop hurting everyone.
Hi Byron,
my situation was very similar to yours, was our neighbor and her boss. I’ve lived thru what you are going thru. WHEN YOU CHANGE THE WAY YOU LOOK AT THINGS… THE THINGS YOU LOOK AT CHANGE! Read it again. Your wife now has the ability to really mess with your brain if you allow her to manipulate and control you. How could someone you love hurt you so bad.. this is the wrong way of looking at it.. it’s really like this.. olny a person who doesn’t love you, doesn’t care about your feeling and how they treat you, olny a person who is inconsiderate, thoughtless and selfish would do this to you. If you are still living with your wife realize this… you are know living with your worst enemy. I would be very cautious of your behavior and what you do and say to your enemy. Your wife will manipulate you and try to control you if you give her the power to do so. If I were in you shoes.. which I was, I would kick her out, change the locks on doors, document all that you can about her affair, find a good lawyer get some good advice, freeze or close your joint bank and credit card accouints and start the divorce process asap. I would have no communication with your wife who is involved with another man except through your lawyer. The quicker you do this the less pain and agony you will go thru. Concentrate and focus your energy on youself.. move on and find someone who loves you.
My wife has been having an affair with my next door neighbor who recently got divorced himself for cheating on his wife. This has been going on for months while we all used to hang out as friends. When I first saw all the phone calls and text messages, I was destroyed. She eventually confessed to the craziness that would go on while I was next door in my house. But since her confession, she agreed that it was best that they cut things off which she hadn’t done. She wants “space” in our marriage now and freedom to spend time with whomever she wants. I reluctantly let her go over to the neighbors to watch a movie on the eve of our anniversary. When I noticed they had music playing, I went over to the window and heard moaning. I lost my marbles and smashed the thing. If I knew that was it between them, I could move on, but she is still insisting she needs space to figure things out. We have lots of issues in our marriage, but I can’t focus on improving them until I am certain she can comfortably cut off all relations with the neighbor, at least for now. Ahh, what to do?
Hi Jackie,
if it’s an emotional affair your marriage is doomed. It doesn’t matter how much you love your husband, that means nothing. It doesn’t matter how much you WISH your husband loves you because he is telling with his behavior he doesn’t care about how you feel and he is on the prowl for a new lover… it’s really black and white there is no gray area that you are hoping for. Getting a divorce before your husband turns very resentful and angry towards YOU is a smart option to consider. If your relationship is meant to be and he can’t live without you, you will get married again if you chose to do so.
I wish you the best!
I loved my wife but that means nothing, the point is she didn’t love me. I kicked her out the day she got caught and called a lawyer 3 days later. What helped me make the decision was web-sites just like this one.. where people talk about how years later they are still being manipulated and in pain. I also talked to several people who tried to save their marriage, they all said it was a horrible experience and recommend divorce ASAP. I was good advice and the right decision for me. If I would have waited to make a decision, my x and her boyfriend would have taken my house, my children and my business on top of her infidelity. There is light at the end of the tunnel and I can honestly say my life is great after divorce!
For some reason, I never recieved this e-mail from the Marriage Sherpa, but I did read it. My marriage is going a little better now. She still feels the need to tell little lies about things. Stupid lies about things that are very unimportant. I caught her in one about a week ago, it was something that meant nothing. We did have a good talk that night though. I told her that when I found out about her affair(which has been a year ago now) that I was lost and didnt know what to do. It was the first time I could remember that I didnt have her to turn to for support. I think that response has hit her pretty hard. It wa the first time I told her that. I think she realized how much she let me down. It is still hard to trust her completly. I only found out 5 months ago who the affair was actually with. (her ex-boss, who I suspected but she would never divulge who the affair was with) She kept that a secret. So its like the affair happened a few months ago. She wasnt seeing him anymore, but they kept in contact with phone calls and e-mails. Even after we were trying to repair our marriage and move forward. That sent me back months when I found out. But it is starting to improve, if I can just get her to quit with the little lies all the time. It happens frequently and the lies dont seem so little when they happen.
millisa, i would call it like i see it ,he doesn,t love you enough to come home something is up ,he s taking advantage of your love,you need to ,be firm conscuises of his dission are good for divorce.
Kevin – I am not weak, my husband was kicked out. He was only allowed to come back when he felt he was ready as there was no point in trying to work on our marriage before that happened.
If I lent you $10,000 and you did not pay it back, yes I would forgive you (it’s only money), and no, I would not lend you another $10,000 without proper paperwork and some sort of insurance put in place.
There is no doubt that a cheating spouse is one of the biggest kicks in the gut that anyone can recieve, but if they are truly sorry, have cut off all contact and are trying their best to make things right, is it so wrong to try to make a go of things again? I’m sure there are periods in everyones marriage when they feel like walking out because it’s all so hard, it’s just that some handle things differently. The way you moved so swiflty against your wife Kevin, sounds like your love for her had died a long time ago and you were just looking for your excuse to cut her out of your life.
I thought this website was for people trying to get their marraiges together after an ugly affair, not for people who are pro divorce as the answer to everything.
Melissa – If you and your husband want to work things out then go for it, but it will take a lot of effort on both parts. There is never any excuse for his cheating on you and he should know that and will have to make huge efforts to earn your trust and respect back, just don’t lose your own self respect in the meantime. But should someone be damned forever? Know what you want and make clear ground rules and don’t waver from them. It does not make you a weak person to want your marriage to work, it probably takes more strength and courage than walking out, that is the easy option.
Oh sweetie, I dont usually comment, but you have to pull your head out. You are being played for a fool. You must see that, he moved out so he could be with her, and then blamed it on you. So now he doesnt have to carry all the guilt, he can lay it at your feet too. Forgive and try to repair your marriage if thats what you need to do, but see it for what it is, you will be better off, you will at least have power and conviction in yourself. Good luck, been there, never going back again
I’m still amazed at how weak people are when they live their lives with low self-esteem, no self-respect and fear. They’ll sub-consciously change their beliefs because reality is to painful for them to deal with. They’d convince themselves that their husband left because he still loves them… has a roommate because because he still loves them .. and only did it once and it was just a sexual release because he still loves them. They allow their gift of self, intimacy and privicy to raped, put pictures of the rapist next to thier bed and tell themselve they’re being raped because he loves me. Then they’ll have someone preach grace and forgiveness, and convince you that you should forgive his debt without repentance or remorse over and over again. Look at this a different way, can you borrow me 10K? I promise I will pay my debt.. really. When I don’t repay the debt.. you will show grace and forgive my debt.. thanks you’re so nice… can I borrow another 10K please.
I know you desperatly want to believe your spouse loves you and you desperatly want to believe his lies and deciept.. but actions speak louder than empty words… your husbands behavior is telling you loud and clear that he doesn’t care for you, he has no respect for you, he doesn’t love you and your relationship is over. The only thing left is how long you will allow him to emotioally manupulate you. I think it’s sad.. but truth is beauty.. and the truth hurts sometimes.
Dear Kevin/Melissa
Can you honestly say that your wife is the same as Melissa’s husband. If he is to believed, it did only happen the once after a period of time. He may have needed someone to talk to and I’m sure her intentions were NEVER honourable, but maybe his were. Only he knows that. But, after sleeping with her, he confessed and moved out, your wife did not and still does not admit to what is going on. Give him some time Melissa. Is he 40 something going through mid life crises i wonder? They feel so sorry for themselves then. At least he is willing to go to a councillor which shows he is still interested in saving your marriage.
My husband could never admit to anything. I was told by a friend, even though she gave him 3 days to tell me, he still couldn’t. I know he was feeling sorry for himself and really wants to make our marriage work, but the OW was such a manipulator and always trying to convince him to leave. She had him totally sucked in. At least your bloke can see the error of his ways as far as she is concerned.
He was obviously unhappy the way things were, whether justified or not (i think a lot of the time, they just feel sorry for themselves), so if you want it to work, I guess you have to find out what his issues were and work on them together. I’m sure you had issues with him also, but we are so much more tolerable aren’t we?
My husband moved out for a while, (not with her) and came back when he was ready. I let him as I thought that was what I wanted, but I am having trouble getting over the hurt. He really wants to make a go of things but I am still hung up on some of the things he has said. ie, never felt about me the way he did about her etc. I really hope you have more grace and forgiveness than me. If his affair ended after one night, I might, but not when he kept choosing her, until one day when he looked at what he actually had and may lose. In other words he climbed out of his pit of depression. My world fell apart and I am the one who had to keep it together and be strong for the kids.
Good luck Melissa, I really hope things work out for you.
Hi melissa, I’m sorry your husband is putting you thru this, I was in your shoes 2 1/2 years ago, good marriage with 2 sons. I also had rose colored glasses on and wanted to believe all the lies and deceit my wife was feeding me and our children.. you’re setting yourself up for a for a big fall. Then my lawyer, one of the few honest ones, gave me a dose of reality and gave me the best advise anyone could give me which was: GET A DIVORCE AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. I followed his advice and started moving on with my own life that day, as my wife would tell her sons that she wasn’t living with her boss… he was just staying there… or some other lame lie that they expect you to believe. I got a divorce as fast as possible, I kept the house, 100% custody of my sons, am having a great life with my children who are far better off now then when they had to put up with their mother’s behavior. My x got what she wanted a roommate, but to this day she can’t even admit to herself, her children or anyone else for that matter that she is living with him. Affairs are all about manipulation.. I feel fortunate I saw the writing on the wall and moved on and never looked back. My sons and I avoided a lot of needless pain.
My husband confessed to me that he had been with another woman one night a few weeks ago. The problem is this woman was his roommate -he moved out two months ago after saying he wanted a divorce and a week later she moved in with him (as a “friendly” gesture to help pay the rent) which I felt very strongly was a bad decision and worried that she had malicious intentions of getting him to leave me. I explained to him my fears and that although he “said” nothing was happening between them and that she was just a “friend”, I felt very sure that something could happen under highly emotional circumstances and wanted him to get out of it which he kept refusing to do. I trusted his faithfulness to me completely, but the night this affair happened, I was at a lawyer’s office getting some information for myself about this separation we were going through and after fighting with him over something relating to the loneliness I was feeling, told him if he wanted to talk to me, it would have to be through a lawyer or mediator. He felt it was over and went home, she was there and took advantage of his vulnerability (which is exactly what I had known would happen if he stayed there). He has told me he never did anything before that with her in all that time (about 1 1/2 months at that point), except for this particular night when he was sure that our marriage was over because I wouldn’t talk to him. He said it meant nothing to him and he protected himself which makes me feel that it was simply just a sexual release for him, however, I had been telling him I was uncomfortable with his living arrangements and wanted him to move out, which he agreed to do only after this night happened. I know that he is truly sorry for what he did because he confessed to me so soon (and the way he did is not his typical manner of dealing with things). He is now living at his parents, is willing to go to counseling together, and has agreed to end the “friendship” with her, but has said no to what I want from him which is to move back home with me and our children so that we can work out our problems together. He says we still need time apart so that we can get through all the pain and hurt of our other problems, but it has been too long already and I just want him to come home. Am I justified in asking this of him, or should I just wait for him to come home when he is ready?